3 Major Blind Spots That Will Sabotage Your Chances At Love

Transcript

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Um, okay, so a blind spot.

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Your bs The way

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that I define blind spot is when

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you think that something that you’re doing is good or fine

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or neutral even.

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And so you’ll keep doing it when

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it’s actually really not good.

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Okay? Um, yay. Thank you, Christine. I appreciate that.

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So we all have blind spots.

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We sometimes can’t see the tip of our own nose

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and with you guys, maybe it’s with men.

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And, um, I have my own blind spots in my own life.

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And even though I’m an expert at so many of these things,

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I will always have a coach and a mentor

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because I can’t see what I can’t see for myself.

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Or if I see it, I still want that person to take me

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to the next level and help me see what I can’t see.

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So I’m just the kind of woman that’s committed

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to always having that kind of support

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and accountability in my life.

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So I can always be my best self.

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Um, so when it comes to love and dating

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and men in relationships, these, there are three big,

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there’s a lot of blind spots,

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but I’m gonna give you three today, three major,

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major blind spots that you are doing or having

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or experiencing, meaning

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that you’re doing something you don’t know you’re

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doing and it’s a problem.

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So the first is what I call ambivalence.

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If you’re dating, wanting to have love, wanting

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to find your person,

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and you have ambivalence while you’re out there doing this,

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that’s a big blind spot.

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So let me explain what I mean.

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Ambivalence comes from when you have two opposing

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feelings at the same time.

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Some people call that cognitive dissonance.

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I think that’s a lot of like woowoo jargon, b******t stuff.

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It’s, it’s, it’s real.

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But like, to me, a common term is just ambivalent.

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When you want something and you don’t at the same time.

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So intellectually you want this, you’re telling yourself

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that you want this, the world tells

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you you should want this.

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And so you’re out there dating,

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but yet at the same time, you’re holding the same

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weight of an emotion.

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You want it, but you don’t, you don’t

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because these reasons, you’re scared

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you don’t know what you’re doing.

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So you’re afraid you’re gonna mess it up.

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You are afraid you’re gonna get hurt.

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You are afraid of rejection, you’re afraid of being judged.

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You’re afraid of letting someone close.

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You have so much fear around surrounding what it means

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to get into a relationship.

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Okay? So when it comes to dating, you’re scared

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because you haven’t done it in a long

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time and you don’t know what you’re doing.

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Maybe you’re just out of a relationship.

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Maybe you’re just out of a divorce.

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Maybe you just, um, recently widowed

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and you haven’t been dating for a long time.

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Well, that’s intimidating. It can feel overwhelming.

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You’re scared you haven’t done it.

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Ugh, alright, maybe you’ve been doing it a long time

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And it’s starting to drain.

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You, wear on you, make you feel exhausted.

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You’re starting to feel weary from it.

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So you’re showing up dating with ambivalence

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because you wanna have a relationship,

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but this is, you hate, you’re starting to dread dating.

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Okay? Do you see what I’m talking about?

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If you really want this so terribly and you’re out there

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and you’ve got dough eyes and you’re Bambi

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and you’re like, let’s do this.

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But it’s deep down, subconsciously you’re afraid

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of being betrayed again, of being hurt again,

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of picking the wrong guy again.

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Of, um, well, I was gonna say this,

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but I’ll say, I’ll say that in a second.

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But you have all this fear about getting in, getting some,

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getting close to somebody.

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Okay? Maybe you have fear of engulfment, fear

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of losing yourself in a relationship.

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Well, you know, if your past experience has, has meant

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that you’ve been in control in relationships

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with controlling men or men who really are possessive,

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or you just kind of lose yourself in relationships

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because you acquiesce a lot and you tiptoe

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and keep the peace ’cause you’re afraid of conflict.

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Like why would you wanna get into a relationship if that’s

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what it means to you or for you?

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So you’re gonna have ambivalence.

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Now, here’s the secret, the like the secret

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weapon of ambivalence.

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What if your biggest fear is success?

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What if you actually are successful

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and you get to have this relationship

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that you’ve said that you want?

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Now what? Oh, s**t. Right?

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That’s when it really gets scary

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because you don’t know what you’re doing.

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It will end, it will disappoint you.

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You know, intimacy is scary. I have to let someone in.

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I just talked to somebody the other day who grew up

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with parents who didn’t like, she was in a very, um,

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love deprived environment.

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She had all that she needed,

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but she was lacking emotional support.

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They didn’t tell her that they loved her,

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they didn’t give her affection.

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She kind of knew they loved her, but never felt loved.

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So she grew up in a really deprived state

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and was not used to it being, receiving love

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and giving love, expressing love.

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And so her, her husband just decided one day he was done

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because he wanted more

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than he was getting in the relationship with her, which was

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that she didn’t like, they were roommates

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and they were functioning kind of like teammates

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and, you know, they co-parented and ran a household well,

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but there was not a lot of love and he wanted more

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and left her devastated.

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Well, she would’ve stayed forever

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because that was good enough for her.

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So ultimately she’s scared of

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allowing herself to have the more

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that she says that she wants.

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So can you feel that discomfort?

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That’s ambivalence you guys. And

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When you have that push pull, you are going to sabotage.

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You can’t show up wanting something in your life

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and feeling that way about it at the same

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time it doesn’t work.

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So you’ll either end up dating with this, driving

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with one foot on the gas and one on the brake

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and wondering why you’re not getting there.

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Or you’re gonna opt out and sit on the bench

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and watch as life passes you by saying

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that you’re busy saying that life is too busy saying,

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you know, making excuses

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for why you’re not dating when you kind of want love.

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So that’s how you’re gonna sabotage.

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And I feel like that is all I need to tell you about today.

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I’m gonna give you two more. But really

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that is like the biggest, biggest subconscious

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sabotage ever because it is such a blind spot

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that women don’t have, don’t realize they have.

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And, and it’s all fear-based.

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It’s all not trusting yourself to do this,

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to have this, to handle it.

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Um, and that’s a hundred percent what we help women

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with in the Ready for Love program.

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Okay? Number two, blind spot

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is focusing on the wrong thing.

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Meaning it’s not working,

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it’s not working, it’s not working.

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You’re not finding the right guy, you’re not

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being successful.

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Dating isn’t working for you.

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You’re getting stuck and struggling and frustrating.

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But what you’re doing is you’re focusing on all the wrong

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things, which app you should be on your dating profile,

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your dating profile pictures, um,

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that you live in a small town

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and there’s no good guys in your small town.

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How you look that you’ve gained five pounds or 20 pounds,

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or that you’re getting wrinkles or that you need a boob job

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or whatever, focusing on all the wrong things

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and not addressing the real reasons why it’s not happening

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for you will keep you stuck.

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Sure, it’s simpler to think that you just need

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to lose 20 pounds, but you know what?

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Love is for everyone.

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And I’ve seen plenty of really obese women

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have great relationships with somebody who loves them.

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It’s not that I’m telling you right now,

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and it’s not about what app you’re on.

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The truth bomb here is that if you keep dating and dating

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and dating the same way that you’ve been dating,

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it doesn’t matter if you find the right guy, it won’t work

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because it’s something that you are doing.

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That’s really the problem.

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But as long as you stay focused on a problem

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that seems easier to solve, you’re going to stay stuck.

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Sure, it’s easier to stay focused on, oh,

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I’ll just get a little, you know, filler a little Botox,

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or I’ll just darken my hair,

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or I’ll just, you know, go shopping,

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or I’ll just get on a different app,

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or maybe I just need a matchmaker.

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All those things are superficial things.

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Those aren’t going to be what really keeps you stuck.

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Those I said it the wrong way,

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the focusing on those things will keep you stuck focusing on

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what seems easier to focus on.

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Does that make sense? It, it’s, it’s,

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you’re gonna waste time if that’s

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what you keep trying to fix.

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Like, those things don’t matter. Okay?

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And then number three, blind spot is ignoring patterns.

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So if you are out there dating

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and the same thing keeps happening to you again and again,

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and you’re, and you’re not paying attention to it,

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then nothing’s gonna change.

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Meaning, let me give you an example.

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So, um, if you are out there online

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and you’re chatting with men

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and you’re not getting asked out on a first date

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ever, that’s a problem.

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And that’s a pattern because it’s not just happened once

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with one guy, it’s happened with two or three

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or four guys or 10.

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If you’re just stuck in the early messaging

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and not getting asked out, that’s a pattern.

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If you are going on like 150 first dates

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and you’re not getting past the first

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date, that’s a problem.

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And that is a pattern. And not paying attention to that

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and thinking you just need to go on more dates

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until you find the right guy.

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That is a blind spot.

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Because after 150 first dates,

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you should have at least been asked out again many times.

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So there’s something you’re doing

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or not doing, you’re saying or not saying

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or whatever, that’s getting in the way

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and not being willing to look at the real thing that is you

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or something that’s going on with you is a problem.

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That’s a blind spot if you’re getting a month in

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and then it, then he ghosts you.

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If you’re getting to the point

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where you’re finally just like three months in

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and maybe you finally admit you care for him,

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or you start to really like him, you let your walls down,

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maybe we even have sex and then he ghosts you or it fades

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or it fizzles, or he backpedals

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and says, you know, I’m not ready for a relationship

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after all, you’re really great and all, but,

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or I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

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You’re so amazing. But something’s missing.

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Like if you keep hearing those excuses anywhere between two

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to three months, up to six months

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and you’re not getting past a certain point,

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or maybe you’re getting into one, one

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or two year long relationships,

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three year long relationships, and it’s the same guy over

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and over, different face, different haircut, same

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00:11:27.195 –> 00:11:28.295
guy, right?

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All of them are in between jobs

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00:11:32.005 –> 00:11:34.025
or all of them are getting back on their feet

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again after a divorce.

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Or all of them are trying

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to start a business or all of them.

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Like there’s something going on

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00:11:42.285 –> 00:11:45.115
where you end up like dating these men for two

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00:11:45.135 –> 00:11:48.755
or three years and it’s not the right guy and you’ve settled

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00:11:49.095 –> 00:11:52.635
or he just can’t commit to you after a certain time. Or,

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You know, they’re all still separated

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00:11:56.305 –> 00:11:57.865
and the divorce isn’t through yet,

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00:11:57.965 –> 00:12:00.905
and you, so you’re dating somebody who’s really not totally

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available because he is not divorced yet.

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00:12:03.135 –> 00:12:05.385
Like, these are patterns you guys,

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and if it’s happened to you more than one

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time, it’s a problem.

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And it’s not just a numbers game.

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So ignoring the pattern

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and thinking, I just need one more date,

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or at some point I’ll just find the right guy

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and it’ll all magically poof, be better.

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You’re fooling yourself, you’re lying to yourself

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and it’s a big blind spot.

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So overall, my message today is

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you’re gonna waste so much of your own precious time,

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either sitting on the bench, opting out, being in timeout,

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because it’s safer to say you’re busy

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and make excuses for why you’re not dating,

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when really you’re just scared

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or to be try, try, try, try trying,

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and nothing’s gonna change for you.

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And meanwhile, you’re exhausting yourself

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and you know, it’s starting

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to take a toll on your self-esteem.

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You’re gonna do all of that and waste so much time

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and heartache and energy and effort and maybe even money.

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00:13:03.295 –> 00:13:05.755
It comes down to that. ’cause being single is expensive.

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Or maybe you’re lending money to these guys

289
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or you’re, I don’t know, um,

290
00:13:11.835 –> 00:13:15.815
or you can actually pull the wool from over your eyes

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and see, clearly look in the mirror, ladies.

292
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I believe that it’s always us.

293
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If I’m not getting something that I want in my life,

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despite my best efforts to make it happen, it’s always me.

295
00:13:31.245 –> 00:13:35.365
I either have fear, reluctance, ambivalence, um,

296
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I don’t believe that it’s possible for me.

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I don’t feel worthy of it. It’s my own s**t. Okay?

298
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So when I’m talking about bs,

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I mean your own b******t and your blind spots.

300
00:13:46.565 –> 00:13:50.205
Your own b******t is, I don’t have what it takes.

301
00:13:50.585 –> 00:13:53.645
I’m unlovable, I don’t deserve it. I am broken.

302
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Something’s wrong with me.

303
00:13:56.105 –> 00:13:58.405
Um, everyone else can have love, but not me.

304
00:13:59.025 –> 00:14:01.885
I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, whatever,

305
00:14:01.885 –> 00:14:03.085
enough, or I’m too much.

306
00:14:03.185 –> 00:14:05.125
I’m too successful.

307
00:14:05.305 –> 00:14:09.245
I’m too outspoken, I’m too, you know, whatever.

308
00:14:09.875 –> 00:14:11.725
Like, it’s, that’s your own b******t.

309
00:14:12.635 –> 00:14:14.495
And the b******t that you’re carrying around

310
00:14:14.495 –> 00:14:16.935
with you is b******t that you’ve had since you were little.

311
00:14:17.325 –> 00:14:19.455
Okay? That stuff starts when you’re little

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00:14:20.115 –> 00:14:22.815
and it’s likely been there all this time

313
00:14:23.725 –> 00:14:25.975
keeping you stuck from getting what you want.

314
00:14:26.385 –> 00:14:28.255
Maybe in other areas of your life too.

315
00:14:28.305 –> 00:14:30.415
Maybe not for some women, it is,

316
00:14:30.515 –> 00:14:33.495
it is definitely holding them back from living their fullest

317
00:14:33.495 –> 00:14:37.595
potential, taking big risks, starting the business, moving

318
00:14:38.165 –> 00:14:39.955
right, or doing something crazy

319
00:14:39.955 –> 00:14:41.155
that you’ve always wanted to do.

320
00:14:42.135 –> 00:14:44.835
Um, one of our new clients said she’s always wanted

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00:14:44.835 –> 00:14:47.315
to be a pilot and she’s been holding herself back

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00:14:47.515 –> 00:14:48.675
’cause she’s got a stable, steady

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00:14:48.735 –> 00:14:50.155
career with a great income.

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But, but it’s like that’s the life that she dreams of.

325
00:14:54.265 –> 00:14:56.605
So when she enrolled with us, she was able to

326
00:14:57.445 –> 00:14:59.805
recognize there’s a common thread inside of her

327
00:15:00.185 –> 00:15:03.325
that’s blocking her from all the big things

328
00:15:03.425 –> 00:15:04.645
and dreams that she wants.

329
00:15:04.705 –> 00:15:05.765
And that’s usually the case.

330
00:15:06.065 –> 00:15:09.285
Not always, some women can really compartmentalize really

331
00:15:09.405 –> 00:15:14.345
well that I can go to work and put on my professional facade

332
00:15:14.445 –> 00:15:18.025
and, and do what I need to do and kick ass.

333
00:15:18.445 –> 00:15:20.625
But when it comes to intimacy with men,

334
00:15:20.695 –> 00:15:22.265
it’s super vulnerable and scary

335
00:15:22.325 –> 00:15:24.305
and it feels totally different and it’s adult.

336
00:15:24.305 –> 00:15:28.505
Totally different story. So I know because you’re listening

337
00:15:28.505 –> 00:15:31.585
and you’re in our group, that something I

338
00:15:31.585 –> 00:15:32.825
said today fits you.

339
00:15:33.525 –> 00:15:36.385
You are, you fit the mold in one of the ways

340
00:15:36.385 –> 00:15:37.865
that I’ve talked about, okay?

341
00:15:38.605 –> 00:15:40.345
And that’s the best thing I can tell you

342
00:15:40.345 –> 00:15:41.985
because I can help you with all of that.

343
00:15:42.045 –> 00:15:43.345
If you, if you’re listening to this

344
00:15:43.365 –> 00:15:45.905
and you still think it’s just, I haven’t found the right guy

345
00:15:45.925 –> 00:15:49.905
yet, but you have a lot of this stuff going on, please,

346
00:15:49.905 –> 00:15:51.025
please just listen to me.

347
00:15:51.165 –> 00:15:52.825
I’m telling you this because I care.

348
00:15:53.105 –> 00:15:57.985
I want all women to finally get past their own b******t,

349
00:15:58.135 –> 00:15:59.345
love and value themselves,

350
00:15:59.445 –> 00:16:01.545
accept themselves unconditionally,

351
00:16:02.445 –> 00:16:05.555
treat themselves the way they deserve to be treated,

352
00:16:06.415 –> 00:16:10.795
and then trust themselves to get this right, to know how

353
00:16:10.795 –> 00:16:12.955
to do it, that they can have it.

354
00:16:13.415 –> 00:16:15.995
And that’s really what we do in the Ready for Love program.

355
00:16:16.705 –> 00:16:21.645
What I want you to know is at 42, 52, 62,

356
00:16:21.905 –> 00:16:22.925
if you haven’t been able

357
00:16:22.925 –> 00:16:25.365
to fix these lifelong issues on your

358
00:16:25.365 –> 00:16:26.525
own, you’re not going to.

359
00:16:27.385 –> 00:16:30.325
And like I said, I couldn’t do it for myself.

360
00:16:30.345 –> 00:16:33.485
And even still today, knowing what I know, I still want

361
00:16:34.505 –> 00:16:38.625
somebody who’s outside of my life who I trust

362
00:16:39.205 –> 00:16:42.625
to point out to me what I can’t see for myself,

363
00:16:42.725 –> 00:16:46.425
or if I do see it to challenge me to do it better

364
00:16:46.645 –> 00:16:50.225
or different or, you know, just a partner

365
00:16:51.085 –> 00:16:54.385
to collaborate with on helping me be my best self so

366
00:16:54.385 –> 00:16:55.385
that I win always.

367
00:16:56.365 –> 00:16:58.945
Um, and I, that’s what I provide to you guys,

368
00:16:58.945 –> 00:17:02.705
whether it’s the r the um, DIY or the VIP.

369
00:17:02.995 –> 00:17:04.945
We’re here for you. We love you.

370
00:17:05.325 –> 00:17:07.745
We want you to succeed, we want you to be happy.

371
00:17:07.885 –> 00:17:09.785
We want you to get the love that you deserve.

372
00:17:10.565 –> 00:17:13.185
Um, and it starts with you being willing

373
00:17:13.205 –> 00:17:15.985
to get past these blind spots and look in the mirror and,

374
00:17:16.045 –> 00:17:17.745
and break through your own b******t, okay?

375
00:17:17.925 –> 00:17:21.305
It is your own b******t. It always is. I got mine.

376
00:17:21.325 –> 00:17:23.025
You’ve got yours, we’ve all got it.

377
00:17:23.125 –> 00:17:25.625
No shame in that, but let’s just let go of it, okay?

378
00:17:26.045 –> 00:17:29.065
And I will show you how to do that. Um, so happy Friday.

379
00:17:29.335 –> 00:17:31.945
Have a great weekend. I’ll be back with you guys again soon.

380
00:17:32.045 –> 00:17:36.205
And please put in the comments, um, which

381
00:17:36.205 –> 00:17:37.685
of the blind spots sound like you?

382
00:17:38.345 –> 00:17:42.335
And if you want our help, please put DIY

383
00:17:42.335 –> 00:17:43.495
or VIP or both.

384
00:17:43.725 –> 00:17:44.535
Okay, bye.

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