6 Subconscious Reasons Successful Women Date Down

Transcript

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Well, hello, it’s Hilary Silver here, founder

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of Ready For Love, and I’m excited to talk

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to you today about why successful professional

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women date down.

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That is what we’re gonna dig into in this audio.

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Well, what do I mean by dating down?

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I know it can sound judgmental, but it’s not.

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It’s actually just a cold, hard reality.

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And what this means is

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that when women are successful in their careers,

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they have serious jobs, they’re very ambitious,

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they’ve climbed the ladder,

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or they’re making really good money,

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they’re just also stable in their lives.

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They’ve got their s**t together.

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They often end up dating men who aren’t at their level.

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And so these are men who have problems.

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They have issues, they have issues, anything

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that can be from financial issues.

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Um, they’re not making the same amount

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of money they are in debt.

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They, you know, don’t have a good credit score.

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Their financial world can be a mess.

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Maybe they’re just not as ambitious or driven

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or successful as you might be in your career.

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Um, and so there’s a disconnect there in terms of values

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or priorities or focus

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or, um, being productive, things like that.

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Men who are underemployed, so men

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who just aren’t operating at their own highest

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level of potential.

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Maybe they’re unemployed, maybe they’re in between jobs.

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Maybe they have a problem bouncing from job to job

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and not being able to hold a job.

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Um, maybe they’re trying to start a business

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and you don’t really yet know what they’re capable of.

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And maybe these are, maybe he’s somebody

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who can actually end up creating a multimillion dollar

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empire, but you haven’t seen it yet.

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And all you know is that he’s trying to start a business.

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I’ve seen clients in the past lend money to men

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to start businesses, to help them start their businesses in

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many ways, not just financially.

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Um, men who are under functioning in their lives.

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So they either have an alcohol problem, a drug problem,

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mental health issues, um, there’s all kinds

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of drama in their lives.

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Maybe they have an ex who’s causing all the drama.

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Maybe she’s mentally ill.

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Maybe there’s drama with his family.

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This, we all have problems in our lives.

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No one is perfect and everybody s**t stinks, okay?

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But when there’s a, a serious gap between

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where you are functioning in your life, being at your level,

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and the men that you are continuing to get involved with,

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this is a problem.

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Um, you know, also, maybe,

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maybe they just don’t have the same social status.

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They’re not, um, as socially sophisticated as you,

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they’re not as intellectual as you, they’re not

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as educated as you.

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You know, we don’t always have

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to have our perfect match in every way.

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We’re not always going to have that.

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But in what areas, you know, are you willing to settle,

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sacrifice, compromise?

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And which areas are you not?

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And if you’re not being selective about it,

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you’re gonna end up dating down.

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So this is an example, um, of dating down

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what the men look like.

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And what I wanna tell you right now, ladies, is

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that projects are for your backyard.

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They are for landscaping.

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Your backyard projects are for work.

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They are not for your love life

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projects are not for your love life.

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Do not be pick picking fixer uppers

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because you like the challenge,

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because you like helping, blah, blah, blah.

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So that’s what we’re gonna be talking about today.

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I’m gonna be sharing with you six very subconscious

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reasons, surprising reasons, sneaky reasons, um,

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why women do this.

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And I wanna warn you right now, it may be hard to hear,

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you may find yourself getting defensive.

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You may, you know, not believe that it’s true.

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And before I list these out for you very plainly

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and simply, I want to just challenge you to take it all in.

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And if one of these doesn’t feel true for you,

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then ask yourself, well then what is true?

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And if it doesn’t feel quite right,

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then rather than turning me off

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and shutting it all down,

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I would rather you just say, well, what is right?

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You know, like, I’m just poking.

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So many of the things that are pro, that are problematic

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for us in our lives are because it’s in our subconscious.

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We’re not aware of it.

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And the only way that we become conscious is by willing,

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being willing to kind of take a peek under the hood

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and to probe and to poke

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and see what bubbles up to the surface.

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If everything stays calm and flat and boring,

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and still we’re not stirring up things,

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and then things don’t rise to the surface

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for us to look at them.

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So I just kind of see my job as I’m gonna poke.

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It’s kind of like when you go to like the chiropractor,

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or when you go to a massage therapist

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and they start looking around

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and you have this pain in your shoulder,

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but they push on your left hip

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and it starts to trigger your right shoulder pain.

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That’s what I’m doing. I’m just poking in different areas

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to see where this is all coming from.

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Um, so let’s get started

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with the very first reason.

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Um, so the first reason that women subconsciously date down

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is that because you don’t feel good

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enough for the good guys.

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And again, subconscious, I know intellectually you can say,

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I’m confident, I’m powerful, I’m successful, you know,

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I’ve got my s**t together.

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Um, you know, I look the part on the outside, but,

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but I’ve heard this, you know, pretty much every single day

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for the last seven years, women

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Say things like this to me.

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Oh gosh, if Mr.

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Perfect knocked on my doorstep right now,

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they immediately get a flood of anxiety in their body.

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A a rush of like energy that’s like unsettling.

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Imagine a man stepping out of a luxury vehicle.

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He’s dressed and polished, and he’s successful and handsome,

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and he looks kind of the way you, you know,

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whatever your ideal man might look like, A true gentleman,

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sexy, strong, secure, done his work, whatever,

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that is your perfect high value man.

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And he’s like walking up to you, what,

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what happens to you on the inside?

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Sometimes it’s

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because you don’t feel good enough for the good guys.

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And, and women have said, Hilary, oh my God, what kind

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of a woman do I have to be to get that kind of a guy?

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What kind of, what kind of a woman does that guy go for?

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You know? And that’s not, that’s not the helpful question.

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It’s not about turning yourself into somebody

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that you’re not to get the good guy.

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It’s about believing that you are good enough the way you

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are for any man that you would like to be with.

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Um, so I don’t want you to shrink.

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I don’t want your automatic reaction to be he won’t like me,

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or I’m not good enough for him,

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or, oh, he’s outta my league, or whatever, you,

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because you have him on a pedestal.

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So this is conceptually really about how you think

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of yourself, and that

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for some reason there’s this subconscious limiting belief

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deep, deep down that you don’t feel worthy of a man.

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Like that one woman said to me,

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and I, now that I, I said, I’m gonna use

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that, I’m gonna use that.

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She said, I just don’t feel like I belong in the yacht.

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I sometimes feel like I belong in the dinghy.

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And, and so we, we, I talk about that.

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Are you on the a are you on the A team

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or are you on the B team?

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And some women say like,

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I know I look like I belong on the A team,

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but I keep, you know, getting onto the B team

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and playing in the B team.

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Um, you don’t wanna go fishing in the B pond,

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you wanna be fishing in the A pond.

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Um, so this is really about how you feel about yourself.

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If you don’t feel like you deserve to be with that caliber,

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caliber of a man, even if you are his equal,

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you won’t allow it to happen.

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You’ll sabotage it.

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He’ll walk up to you and you’ll clam up,

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or you’ll get awkward, you’ll get insecure,

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you’ll get nervous, or you’ll push him away,

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or you’ll, you know, say things that aren’t true.

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You won’t be your true self.

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You’ll be trying to impress him

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or be somebody better than you think that you are,

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or all that kind of crap that just gets in the way.

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None of this is in your conscious awareness.

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Um, but I’m wondering how true that might ring for you.

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Um, if you have these guys on a pedestal,

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then you’re always gonna be looking up.

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Like if he’s on the Olympic, you know,

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pedestal on the podium, and he’s on the first place

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and you’re down there on 10th place, that isn’t good.

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Okay? It’s just not. So number two.

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Now I wanna say some of these are very similar,

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but there are very slight distinctions,

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and sometimes the slight distinction might ring

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more true for you.

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So I’m gonna continue on.

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If you don’t value yourself enough,

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then you will date them.

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And I know, again, it sounds similar, but it’s different.

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So if you date below your level

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and help them, take care of them, fix them, rescue them,

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save them, because at some level, fixing them

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and helping them and taking care of them gives you the value

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that you don’t otherwise believe that you have.

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Then all of this, giving caregiving, taking care of rescuing

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is what makes you valuable.

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It’s basically you’re turning yourself into a commodity.

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It becomes about what you can do for them,

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not just men, but maybe friends

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and other people in your life too,

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because that’s what gives you value that you wouldn’t

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otherwise have.

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And when you turn yourself into a nurse or a social worker,

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or a therapist

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or um, some kind of caregiver,

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you give them the money, you give them support,

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you give them stability.

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You never really feel loved for who you are

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because it’s not about who you are.

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It’s about what you can do for them.

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And then you end up feeling used, feeling taken advantage

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of, or unre, unappreciated, not important, not loved for

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who you are, you feel exploited.

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Um, and that, that’s just not good.

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So, so, you know, I’ve had clients tell me, literally

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I’ve given $80,000 to a boyfriend to help him

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with his child support, huh?

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This was a high level HR executive, smart beyond what you,

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you know, like smart, smart, smart lady, very successful,

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very capable, very competent, give a boyfriend $80,000

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to help him through a hard time.

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And oh my gosh, she ended up staying with him

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for a year longer than she wanted to be with him

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because she wanted to recoup her money.

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She felt like if, if she broke up with him,

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she would never see that money again.

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So another year of her life goes by

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because she helped him financially.

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Um, and,

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00:11:23.475 –> 00:11:26.495
and that’s just not a fulfilling, it’s, uh, it’s dangerous,

243
00:11:26.495 –> 00:11:27.815
but it’s also not fulfilling.

244
00:11:28.555 –> 00:11:32.415
So, so again, when you don’t feel like you have value

245
00:11:33.445 –> 00:11:35.095
just for being who you are,

246
00:11:36.075 –> 00:11:37.895
you will turn yourself into a commodity

247
00:11:38.355 –> 00:11:42.975
and give yourself value by helping, fixing,

248
00:11:43.495 –> 00:11:45.375
rescuing, problem solving and all of that.

249
00:11:46.475 –> 00:11:50.175
Reason number three, if you don’t feel good enough,

250
00:11:50.445 –> 00:11:52.055
then when you are with somebody

251
00:11:52.195 –> 00:11:56.685
who you think is less than you, it’s impossible for him

252
00:11:56.705 –> 00:11:58.325
to discover that you’re not good enough,

253
00:11:58.475 –> 00:12:00.765
because you will always be better than.

254
00:12:01.425 –> 00:12:03.125
So let’s go back to the Olympic podium.

255
00:12:03.385 –> 00:12:05.765
If you’re on the top on your,

256
00:12:05.865 –> 00:12:07.565
you’re on the gold medal first place,

257
00:12:07.665 –> 00:12:09.925
and you’re dating somebody who’s on 10th place,

258
00:12:10.545 –> 00:12:15.125
you’ll always feel better because it won’t be discovered.

259
00:12:15.155 –> 00:12:19.285
Oops. You’re actually 20th place to him on 10th place.

260
00:12:19.445 –> 00:12:20.885
I know it sounds weird,

261
00:12:21.505 –> 00:12:24.645
but this is how I kind of, these metaphors help us

262
00:12:24.665 –> 00:12:26.405
and visuals help us understand it.

263
00:12:26.985 –> 00:12:30.125
So internally, if you feel below

264
00:12:31.065 –> 00:12:32.805
and you date somebody below you,

265
00:12:33.915 –> 00:12:37.165
when you let someone into your personal, private world

266
00:12:37.265 –> 00:12:39.885
and you let all your walls down and you’re vulnerable,

267
00:12:39.885 –> 00:12:42.485
and you let him see just who you really are,

268
00:12:42.985 –> 00:12:45.365
he won’t discover you’re not good enough,

269
00:12:46.275 –> 00:12:48.805
because you’ll still be better than him.

270
00:12:50.305 –> 00:12:51.925
And know it doesn’t make sense in our

271
00:12:51.925 –> 00:12:53.125
conscious minds at all.

272
00:12:53.665 –> 00:12:55.405
But this is how women sabotage.

273
00:12:55.605 –> 00:12:58.725
I told you it’d be surprising and sneaky and, and,

274
00:12:58.785 –> 00:13:00.005
and deep, deep down.

275
00:13:01.265 –> 00:13:03.205
But if letting somebody in to see

276
00:13:03.205 –> 00:13:06.445
who you really are is scary, then

277
00:13:07.225 –> 00:13:09.325
why would you let somebody see who you really are?

278
00:13:10.345 –> 00:13:11.685
If you’re not worthy or good enough

279
00:13:11.685 –> 00:13:15.085
or you’re broken, you won’t date somebody who has the power

280
00:13:15.105 –> 00:13:18.325
to hurt you by discovering that you’re not good enough.

281
00:13:18.465 –> 00:13:21.725
And then they’ll leave. So you date somebody, quote unquote,

282
00:13:21.725 –> 00:13:25.645
beneath you, because you will always be more than him.

283
00:13:27.425 –> 00:13:30.485
Reason number four, when you date somebody

284
00:13:30.545 –> 00:13:32.005
who you think needs you,

285
00:13:32.715 –> 00:13:36.205
then you are protecting yourself from, from him leaving,

286
00:13:36.915 –> 00:13:39.325
because he’ll never leave you if he needs you,

287
00:13:40.305 –> 00:13:45.205
his dependency on you, you are codependent in this way.

288
00:13:46.425 –> 00:13:50.085
So if there’s a part of you that is afraid of being rejected

289
00:13:50.085 –> 00:13:53.005
because you’re not good enough, then you’ll date men

290
00:13:53.025 –> 00:13:54.405
who you think need you.

291
00:13:54.835 –> 00:13:56.525
They become dependent on you.

292
00:13:57.225 –> 00:13:58.285
Um, they need your money,

293
00:13:58.475 –> 00:14:00.325
they need your support, they need your help.

294
00:14:00.325 –> 00:14:02.485
They need your kick fixing and caregiving.

295
00:14:02.485 –> 00:14:04.845
They need your love, right?

296
00:14:05.025 –> 00:14:07.765
If they will, if they, if they’re depending on you

297
00:14:07.765 –> 00:14:09.765
for this, they will never leave.

298
00:14:11.055 –> 00:14:13.405
Sadly, I’ve heard time

299
00:14:13.425 –> 00:14:18.125
and time again, women give and give and give in these ways,

300
00:14:18.665 –> 00:14:21.405
and then he’s taking, and taking and taking,

301
00:14:22.225 –> 00:14:25.165
and he’s actually having a love affair with somebody else.

302
00:14:26.235 –> 00:14:28.205
It’s, it’s devastating and heartbreaking

303
00:14:28.795 –> 00:14:31.725
because this relationship isn’t based on real love.

304
00:14:32.555 –> 00:14:34.205
It’s transactional, actually,

305
00:14:35.105 –> 00:14:36.925
you’re both getting needs met in a different way,

306
00:14:36.925 –> 00:14:38.605
but it’s totally dysfunctional.

307
00:14:40.065 –> 00:14:41.525
So reason number five,

308
00:14:43.065 –> 00:14:45.315
um, here’s the thing.

309
00:14:45.915 –> 00:14:50.555
I know that you all think you want this amazing love.

310
00:14:51.265 –> 00:14:53.565
You want the romance, you want the fairytale,

311
00:14:53.565 –> 00:14:54.725
you want the partnership.

312
00:14:54.785 –> 00:14:55.925
You want the true equal.

313
00:14:56.585 –> 00:15:00.165
You want someone to see you and and appreciate you

314
00:15:00.185 –> 00:15:03.005
and witness you, and you wanna feel loved and seen

315
00:15:03.025 –> 00:15:04.805
and valued and adored for who you are.

316
00:15:05.625 –> 00:15:08.605
But if that also scares this s**t out of you,

317
00:15:09.545 –> 00:15:11.685
you won’t pick somebody who can do that.

318
00:15:12.585 –> 00:15:15.085
So you’re gonna subconsciously pick men

319
00:15:15.705 –> 00:15:17.645
who can’t show up for you in that way.

320
00:15:17.795 –> 00:15:19.845
They’re just unhealthy enough as well,

321
00:15:20.865 –> 00:15:23.205
or they’re situationally not able to.

322
00:15:24.105 –> 00:15:27.165
And by not being with somebody who’s capable of that,

323
00:15:27.675 –> 00:15:30.925
then you get to avoid it because it scares you so much.

324
00:15:31.665 –> 00:15:34.805
So maybe you’ll pick somebody who lives far away,

325
00:15:35.625 –> 00:15:39.085
and it’s just impossible to have intimacy

326
00:15:39.085 –> 00:15:42.965
because you only see each other on weekends or once a month

327
00:15:43.105 –> 00:15:44.365
or every six months,

328
00:15:44.505 –> 00:15:45.725
or, you know,

329
00:15:45.725 –> 00:15:48.125
you’re not really truly building a life together

330
00:15:48.125 –> 00:15:51.445
because it’s just, it’s like every time you see each other,

331
00:15:51.515 –> 00:15:52.805
it’s perfect in a honeymoon,

332
00:15:52.825 –> 00:15:55.125
and it’s exciting, but that’s not real.

333
00:15:56.425 –> 00:15:59.725
If what you really want is a real life with somebody

334
00:15:59.735 –> 00:16:01.525
where you’re merging lives

335
00:16:01.705 –> 00:16:03.845
and integrating each other into your lives

336
00:16:04.025 –> 00:16:05.485
and building a future together,

337
00:16:05.585 –> 00:16:06.845
that’s not what you’re gonna do.

338
00:16:06.845 –> 00:16:08.845
You’re not gonna pick a man who lives far away.

339
00:16:09.145 –> 00:16:12.445
You’re not gonna pick a man who’s not yet fully divorced,

340
00:16:12.505 –> 00:16:15.845
and he’s only sort of separated, right?

341
00:16:15.845 –> 00:16:18.925
Picking somebody like that, picking somebody

342
00:16:19.265 –> 00:16:21.285
who might be free and clear and lives nearby,

343
00:16:21.305 –> 00:16:24.645
but he’s got enough of his own emotional baggage

344
00:16:24.795 –> 00:16:26.445
that he’s not capable

345
00:16:27.345 –> 00:16:29.685
of the emotional intimacy that you want.

346
00:16:30.425 –> 00:16:34.245
So you’re picking somebody who’s actually at your level in

347
00:16:34.245 –> 00:16:38.085
this way, you want it, but you’re scared to death of it.

348
00:16:39.195 –> 00:16:42.165
Okay? So it looks like he’s the problem,

349
00:16:43.305 –> 00:16:46.565
but as I teach, the universe doesn’t give us what we want.

350
00:16:46.625 –> 00:16:47.725
It gives us who we are.

351
00:16:47.725 –> 00:16:51.245
And as long as you are scared of this intimacy,

352
00:16:51.345 –> 00:16:54.365
you will keep picking men who are also either scared of it

353
00:16:54.385 –> 00:16:55.805
and sabotaging themselves,

354
00:16:56.105 –> 00:16:59.325
or who just aren’t capable of providing that for you.

355
00:16:59.715 –> 00:17:04.045
Because if you pick a man who wants that from you, expects

356
00:17:04.045 –> 00:17:07.165
that needs that is capable of it, but you’re scared of it

357
00:17:07.185 –> 00:17:10.285
and you avoid it, he won’t wanna be with a woman like that.

358
00:17:11.305 –> 00:17:12.365
So you’re picking men

359
00:17:12.365 –> 00:17:15.525
who are at your level in this way, okay?

360
00:17:16.185 –> 00:17:20.725
And this is what I call ambivalence, where you want this

361
00:17:20.865 –> 00:17:23.005
so desperately and you’re craving it

362
00:17:23.005 –> 00:17:25.365
and you’re longing for it, and you’re starving for it,

363
00:17:25.785 –> 00:17:29.005
but you’re also scared of it, or you don’t know how to do it

364
00:17:29.665 –> 00:17:30.685
or whatever.

365
00:17:30.905 –> 00:17:33.125
And so you’re driving with one foot on the gas

366
00:17:33.125 –> 00:17:35.525
and one foot on the brake, but then wondering why you’re not

367
00:17:35.525 –> 00:17:38.325
getting there, wondering why it’s not happening.

368
00:17:38.395 –> 00:17:39.845
Gassing breaking, gassing breaking,

369
00:17:39.985 –> 00:17:42.565
and then you’re not making any progress moving forward.

370
00:17:43.025 –> 00:17:44.245
You want love, but you don’t,

371
00:17:44.265 –> 00:17:45.485
you want it, but it scares you.

372
00:17:45.485 –> 00:17:47.165
You want it, but oh, no, I don’t know what I’m doing.

373
00:17:47.185 –> 00:17:48.885
You want it, but I, what if I mess it up?

374
00:17:49.025 –> 00:17:51.685
You want it, but oh, no, what if, what if I get rejected?

375
00:17:51.755 –> 00:17:53.445
What if, what if I’m not good enough?

376
00:17:54.955 –> 00:17:58.125
That is major, major sabotage

377
00:17:58.195 –> 00:18:01.245
because you’re out there trying to have these relationships

378
00:18:01.985 –> 00:18:03.165
and then it doesn’t work out.

379
00:18:03.165 –> 00:18:04.805
And then you exhaust yourself in the process

380
00:18:05.315 –> 00:18:08.485
only digging yourself deeper into a belief

381
00:18:08.485 –> 00:18:09.565
that it can’t happen for you,

382
00:18:09.585 –> 00:18:12.045
or that men just aren’t able to do it for you.

383
00:18:12.265 –> 00:18:14.925
Or you keep attracting men who aren’t at your level

384
00:18:15.555 –> 00:18:18.845
when really there’s a part of you that kind

385
00:18:18.845 –> 00:18:19.925
of just is scared of it

386
00:18:19.925 –> 00:18:21.125
and doesn’t want it at the same time.

387
00:18:22.515 –> 00:18:25.645
That is so deep in our subconscious. Okay?

388
00:18:25.905 –> 00:18:29.285
And then the final reason number six

389
00:18:29.985 –> 00:18:33.885
is when you are with somebody who is beneath you, again, so

390
00:18:33.885 –> 00:18:37.605
to speak, you feel more powerful and in control.

391
00:18:37.995 –> 00:18:40.125
It’s not really true, it’s perceived,

392
00:18:40.425 –> 00:18:42.205
but it’s what you kind of believe.

393
00:18:42.745 –> 00:18:46.485
So there’s this powerful, successful, secure, sexy man,

394
00:18:47.545 –> 00:18:51.965
um, and he’ll never judge you for not being good enough.

395
00:18:52.545 –> 00:18:55.125
You’re trying to control a situation

396
00:18:55.745 –> 00:18:57.285
and trying to avoid a,

397
00:18:57.525 –> 00:19:00.045
a future potential reality that might happen.

398
00:19:01.185 –> 00:19:05.085
So if you have a fear of rejection, a fear of abandonment,

399
00:19:05.205 –> 00:19:07.565
a fear of getting hurt, fear of getting your heart broken,

400
00:19:07.625 –> 00:19:09.485
making a mistake, messing it up,

401
00:19:10.035 –> 00:19:12.365
your fear is sabotaging you.

402
00:19:13.745 –> 00:19:17.645
And, and so when you’re picking somebody who’s beneath you,

403
00:19:18.065 –> 00:19:22.285
you’re trying to prevent your greatest fear from happening.

404
00:19:23.545 –> 00:19:26.645
And, and so you’re trying to circumvent

405
00:19:27.815 –> 00:19:31.605
being rejected, being abandoned by picking somebody

406
00:19:32.625 –> 00:19:34.565
who doesn’t have the power to hurt you that way.

407
00:19:35.185 –> 00:19:37.085
If you’re not that invested in somebody

408
00:19:38.385 –> 00:19:40.845
and you don’t really, you’re not all in with somebody,

409
00:19:40.915 –> 00:19:43.205
then if he does break up with you, it just doesn’t hurt

410
00:19:43.225 –> 00:19:44.805
so bad, right?

411
00:19:44.805 –> 00:19:46.845
If you pick somebody who you don’t really respect

412
00:19:46.845 –> 00:19:49.205
or admire that much, you’re settling

413
00:19:49.625 –> 00:19:50.965
and you’ll be bored eventually,

414
00:19:51.265 –> 00:19:54.005
but he won’t have the power to hurt you or crush you

415
00:19:54.005 –> 00:19:55.965
because you weren’t that into him to begin with.

416
00:19:57.105 –> 00:20:01.805
And so, again, that I,

417
00:20:01.925 –> 00:20:04.285
I know I’ve just kind of laid these all out on a platter,

418
00:20:04.705 –> 00:20:08.445
and I’m trying to make what is subconscious conscious?

419
00:20:08.815 –> 00:20:11.925
We’re taking what is deeply covert within us

420
00:20:11.985 –> 00:20:13.085
and make it overt.

421
00:20:13.695 –> 00:20:16.845
We’re we’re shining the light in the dark so

422
00:20:16.845 –> 00:20:17.925
that you can see it.

423
00:20:19.425 –> 00:20:22.805
And, and those deep fears comes from your childhood.

424
00:20:23.865 –> 00:20:28.045
It just does. It’s deep shame about things that we have.

425
00:20:28.115 –> 00:20:29.605
It’s unresolved baggage.

426
00:20:29.955 –> 00:20:33.445
It’s our childhood wounds that we’re still carrying around

427
00:20:33.745 –> 00:20:36.005
inside of us, that little girl inside of us.

428
00:20:36.425 –> 00:20:39.565
And right now, if you’re operating in any of these ways,

429
00:20:39.665 –> 00:20:41.485
and these are just six, I’m sure there’s more,

430
00:20:42.425 –> 00:20:44.845
but it, that little girl is inside of you

431
00:20:44.845 –> 00:20:46.765
and she’s in charge and she’s in control.

432
00:20:46.865 –> 00:20:47.965
She is running the show,

433
00:20:48.025 –> 00:20:51.245
and she does, does not want to be rejected or hurt

434
00:20:51.305 –> 00:20:54.125
or abandoned or judged ever again.

435
00:20:54.665 –> 00:20:58.605
So if you think about it this way, it makes sense, okay?

436
00:20:58.705 –> 00:21:01.485
If you don’t have any fears about not being good enough,

437
00:21:01.485 –> 00:21:03.685
or not being worthy, or not being deserving,

438
00:21:04.345 –> 00:21:05.845
or fears of being rejected

439
00:21:05.945 –> 00:21:09.165
or abandoned, that that your flaws

440
00:21:09.165 –> 00:21:10.245
and that your imperfections

441
00:21:10.425 –> 00:21:14.525
and idiosyncrasies actually make you more lovable and,

442
00:21:15.445 –> 00:21:17.565
and deserving, and that you’re,

443
00:21:17.635 –> 00:21:19.645
that you deserve love just the way you are,

444
00:21:19.645 –> 00:21:21.405
that you’re good enough just the way you are.

445
00:21:21.405 –> 00:21:24.565
If you’ve done that deep peeling work, then none

446
00:21:24.565 –> 00:21:25.765
of this really is a problem.

447
00:21:26.785 –> 00:21:29.485
But here’s the thing, when you have picked men

448
00:21:29.745 –> 00:21:33.845
who aren’t good for you, it’s hard to trust yourself

449
00:21:33.905 –> 00:21:37.405
to pick, it’s hard to trust yourself,

450
00:21:38.025 –> 00:21:40.845
to pick the right man for you when you have a history

451
00:21:40.845 –> 00:21:44.045
of attracting and picking men who aren’t good for you.

452
00:21:45.015 –> 00:21:47.525
Again, my team and I speak with 50 women a week

453
00:21:47.705 –> 00:21:51.205
who want our help, and we hear every day from smart,

454
00:21:51.775 –> 00:21:55.165
successful, savvy women that they don’t trust their picker.

455
00:21:55.315 –> 00:21:57.325
They say, Hillary, I just have a broken picker.

456
00:21:58.145 –> 00:21:59.565
So if this sounds like you,

457
00:22:00.195 –> 00:22:04.085
then not only are you likely not attracting the right men

458
00:22:04.105 –> 00:22:06.165
and you’re attracting all the wrong men,

459
00:22:06.385 –> 00:22:08.925
but you’re also likely ignoring red flags.

460
00:22:10.105 –> 00:22:12.605
You maybe you don’t see the red flags at all.

461
00:22:12.605 –> 00:22:13.765
You’re oblivious to them,

462
00:22:14.265 –> 00:22:17.045
but more than likely you’re seeing them and ignoring them,

463
00:22:17.045 –> 00:22:18.685
and you’re going forward anyway.

464
00:22:20.585 –> 00:22:23.765
You, you doubt yourself. You question yourself.

465
00:22:24.305 –> 00:22:25.565
You don’t wanna be judgy.

466
00:22:25.585 –> 00:22:27.245
You wanna give him the benefit of the doubt.

467
00:22:27.385 –> 00:22:29.805
No one’s perfect. He checks a lot of the boxes.

468
00:22:30.585 –> 00:22:33.685
So maybe we’ll wait and see, maybe I’m being too picky.

469
00:22:34.095 –> 00:22:35.965
Maybe you’re not even doing the picking at all.

470
00:22:36.075 –> 00:22:38.885
Some I call this, um, being interested

471
00:22:38.915 –> 00:22:40.725
because of his interest in you.

472
00:22:41.305 –> 00:22:43.725
And that means that you’re not even selecting anybody,

473
00:22:43.745 –> 00:22:46.645
you’re not being discerning, you’re just going with it

474
00:22:46.645 –> 00:22:49.165
because he’s actually showing interest in you.

475
00:22:49.825 –> 00:22:51.525
And, and that’s a big problem as well.

476
00:22:52.155 –> 00:22:55.245
Alternately, maybe you’re being hypervigilant,

477
00:22:55.785 –> 00:22:59.005
and this is what I call having your binoculars on

478
00:22:59.005 –> 00:23:00.085
and your microscope out,

479
00:23:00.085 –> 00:23:02.125
and you’re looking for all the red flags

480
00:23:02.635 –> 00:23:05.125
because you’ve been there, done that, not doing that again.

481
00:23:05.425 –> 00:23:07.525
And so you’re doing everything you can

482
00:23:07.585 –> 00:23:09.245
to scope out the red flags

483
00:23:09.505 –> 00:23:11.765
and potentially pushing away people to quickly

484
00:23:11.825 –> 00:23:12.885
or for the wrong reasons.

485
00:23:13.945 –> 00:23:18.285
And it’s, it’s, you’re over filtering. Let me ask you this.

486
00:23:18.905 –> 00:23:23.325
If you went to work feeling as unsure, insecure,

487
00:23:23.915 –> 00:23:27.525
uncertain, self-doubting, second guessing yourself as you do

488
00:23:27.665 –> 00:23:30.205
as you’re dating, would you be successful in your career?

489
00:23:31.275 –> 00:23:33.965
Most likely you would not be yet.

490
00:23:34.785 –> 00:23:37.765
We, we, we expect to be successful dating

491
00:23:37.785 –> 00:23:40.125
and in relationships feeling this way.

492
00:23:40.785 –> 00:23:42.085
And if you were at work

493
00:23:42.085 –> 00:23:44.685
and you felt that way about your skillset or your,

494
00:23:45.225 –> 00:23:46.285
You know, capabilities

495
00:23:46.865 –> 00:23:48.365
or your ability in some area,

496
00:23:49.065 –> 00:23:50.525
you wouldn’t just push forward.

497
00:23:51.225 –> 00:23:55.485
You would be riddled with, um, imposter syndrome and,

498
00:23:55.865 –> 00:23:58.405
and anxiety and nerves that you’d be figured out

499
00:23:58.405 –> 00:24:00.525
that you don’t know what you’re doing and you would fail at

500
00:24:00.725 –> 00:24:02.045
whatever you would be attempting to do.

501
00:24:02.345 –> 00:24:05.685
So at work, you would absolutely get a mentor,

502
00:24:06.025 –> 00:24:09.685
go get a coach, you would take a class, take a course, um,

503
00:24:09.825 –> 00:24:12.885
you know, you would get the help that you need to bolster

504
00:24:13.755 –> 00:24:16.365
your, your development in that area so

505
00:24:16.365 –> 00:24:17.685
that you could be successful in your career.

506
00:24:18.425 –> 00:24:19.525
Yet with relationships

507
00:24:19.625 –> 00:24:22.205
and especially dating, we don’t do that.

508
00:24:22.865 –> 00:24:23.925
And we just get out there

509
00:24:23.985 –> 00:24:26.485
and we operate not knowing what we’re doing,

510
00:24:26.705 –> 00:24:30.005
and we allow all of our insecurities and, and doubt

511
00:24:30.185 –> 00:24:32.205
and not knowing what we’re doing to get in the way.

512
00:24:32.785 –> 00:24:35.485
And so the hearing this day in

513
00:24:35.485 –> 00:24:37.525
and day out is what led me to create this

514
00:24:38.035 –> 00:24:40.765
amazing program called Trust Your Picker.

515
00:24:42.055 –> 00:24:44.765
Trust Your picker is everything you need to learn how

516
00:24:44.765 –> 00:24:45.885
to navigate this part

517
00:24:45.885 –> 00:24:48.445
of your love life successfully and confidently.

518
00:24:49.425 –> 00:24:52.525
Now it’s very simple, it’s very practically oriented.

519
00:24:52.665 –> 00:24:55.485
You’re gonna walk away knowing exactly what you need to do

520
00:24:55.505 –> 00:24:58.445
and not do to trust yourself when you are out there dating

521
00:24:58.505 –> 00:24:59.925
online or in the real world.

522
00:25:00.385 –> 00:25:02.405
So it starts by having a look backwards.

523
00:25:02.735 –> 00:25:04.325
We’re gonna look backwards to see

524
00:25:04.325 –> 00:25:06.685
where you’ve gone wrong in the past, settling

525
00:25:06.985 –> 00:25:09.765
for less than you desire and deserve in a partner

526
00:25:09.905 –> 00:25:10.965
or in a relationship.

527
00:25:11.305 –> 00:25:13.365
And we do that so that you can see very clearly

528
00:25:13.365 –> 00:25:14.445
where you’ve gone wrong in the past,

529
00:25:14.585 –> 00:25:16.885
so you can confidently move forward in the future,

530
00:25:17.685 –> 00:25:19.485
creating exactly what it is that you want.

531
00:25:19.975 –> 00:25:22.045
We’re also gonna get very, very clear

532
00:25:22.265 –> 00:25:24.205
who is this perfect person for you?

533
00:25:24.905 –> 00:25:27.765
It is not, um, the type that you had in the past.

534
00:25:28.305 –> 00:25:30.165
It is not just going with the flow

535
00:25:30.185 –> 00:25:31.565
and picking who’s interested in you.

536
00:25:31.625 –> 00:25:35.365
And it is not just because you have chemistry with somebody,

537
00:25:35.425 –> 00:25:38.965
and it is not picking somebody from your wounds as a,

538
00:25:38.965 –> 00:25:41.445
as a woman, but from your worth as a woman.

539
00:25:42.105 –> 00:25:45.885
And so this is a very important step to get very clear.

540
00:25:45.905 –> 00:25:48.645
We have multiple frameworks to walk you

541
00:25:48.645 –> 00:25:50.605
through in identifying who this man is.

542
00:25:50.625 –> 00:25:53.485
And more importantly, it’s not just about putting it on

543
00:25:53.485 –> 00:25:55.325
paper, it’s about trusting yourself

544
00:25:55.345 –> 00:25:58.085
to recognize him when he’s standing right in front of you.

545
00:25:58.865 –> 00:26:00.485
And then finally, we’re gonna walk you

546
00:26:00.485 –> 00:26:02.285
through all the red flags

547
00:26:02.285 –> 00:26:03.805
and what to look out for so

548
00:26:03.805 –> 00:26:05.325
that you don’t ignore them anymore.

549
00:26:05.465 –> 00:26:07.765
We literally give you a red flag tracker

550
00:26:08.105 –> 00:26:09.885
and teach you how to start trusting yourself.

551
00:26:09.905 –> 00:26:11.325
We learn to not trust ourselves

552
00:26:11.835 –> 00:26:13.925
when we know what’s the right thing to do

553
00:26:14.025 –> 00:26:16.765
and we don’t do it, or when we feel something,

554
00:26:16.785 –> 00:26:19.485
but we dismiss it or when we’re just not listening.

555
00:26:20.025 –> 00:26:21.525
And when you self betray

556
00:26:21.705 –> 00:26:24.485
and self abandon, you learn, you can’t self trust.

557
00:26:24.585 –> 00:26:25.605
And we are gonna stop

558
00:26:25.605 –> 00:26:28.285
that s**t in this program once and for all.

559
00:26:28.605 –> 00:26:30.085
I hope you’ll take me up on the offer

560
00:26:30.345 –> 00:26:31.605
of signing up for this program.

561
00:26:32.195 –> 00:26:35.085
Like I said, you will walk away with a framework

562
00:26:35.185 –> 00:26:38.325
and a strategy and trusting yourself to navigate this

563
00:26:38.355 –> 00:26:39.765
with confidence and ease.

564
00:26:40.545 –> 00:26:43.285
And, um, and I just want you to know, ready for love.

565
00:26:43.455 –> 00:26:45.205
We’ve been around since 2017

566
00:26:45.465 –> 00:26:49.965
and everything that we do is about empowering women to love

567
00:26:50.105 –> 00:26:51.925
and value and accept themselves

568
00:26:52.345 –> 00:26:55.165
so they can show up a high value woman in their love lives,

569
00:26:55.485 –> 00:26:57.525
trusting themselves to get their own back

570
00:26:57.525 –> 00:26:58.765
and to do what’s best for them,

571
00:26:59.505 –> 00:27:01.645
and to just be this most magnetic

572
00:27:01.705 –> 00:27:04.365
and alluring best version of themselves possible.

573
00:27:05.115 –> 00:27:07.845
It’s never about becoming somebody that you’re not.

574
00:27:08.315 –> 00:27:10.925
It’s never about doing anything that will abandon you

575
00:27:10.925 –> 00:27:12.725
or betray you just to get the guy.

576
00:27:13.145 –> 00:27:15.205
We are at the core, a self-love

577
00:27:15.205 –> 00:27:16.765
and empowerment company for women.

578
00:27:17.385 –> 00:27:19.845
And so if trust your picker is what you need,

579
00:27:20.005 –> 00:27:21.005
then we are here for you.

580
00:27:21.505 –> 00:27:23.725
If you wanna do more of the deep inner work to,

581
00:27:23.825 –> 00:27:25.965
to resolve some of those childhood wounds

582
00:27:25.965 –> 00:27:27.165
that have you not believing

583
00:27:27.165 –> 00:27:28.685
that you’re worthy, we’ve got you covered.

584
00:27:29.305 –> 00:27:31.765
Um, so check out the Trust Your Picker program.

585
00:27:31.905 –> 00:27:34.045
You can click the link at the bottom of the PDF that we

586
00:27:34.205 –> 00:27:35.485
provided for you, um,

587
00:27:35.665 –> 00:27:39.525
or you can go to ready for love inc.com/courses

588
00:27:40.105 –> 00:27:42.565
and check out our entire suite of offers.

589
00:27:42.705 –> 00:27:43.725
We are here to support you,

590
00:27:43.965 –> 00:27:45.685
whatever you need on your journey to find love.

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