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Have you ever found yourself in the fallout
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of a relationship that crashed and burned
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and thought I knew it.
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I just knew something wasn’t right,
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and the further down the road you get,
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the clearer it becomes piecing it all together.
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It does make perfect sense when the fog clears.
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I know it’s excruciating
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because you saw the red flags,
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maybe even the yellow flags too.
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All the things that you brushed off, explained away,
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or convinced yourself weren’t a big deal,
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and you went forward anyway, throwing caution to the wind
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and yourself under the bus,
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and now it’s all glaring you in the face unmistakable,
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and you’re left with regret, disillusionment,
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and maybe even the serious consequences of putting yourself
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and your life back together, all kicking yourself
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because you knew better and you just didn’t listen.
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If you’ve ever asked yourself,
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why do I keep ignoring the signs, this episode is for you.
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There are real reasons high functioning, intelligent women
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override their own instincts,
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and today I’m going to show you exactly why that happens
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and how to stop doing it.
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Whether you’re single and dating
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or in a relationship, this episode is for you
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because what I’m sharing can be applied to all relationships
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and all life situations too.
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Hey, welcome back and if you’re new here, I’m Hilary Silver,
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former therapist turned master, coach of 25 years,
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and the founder of Ready For Love.
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I help amazing, high achieving women create the
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extraordinary love
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and life that they deserve
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by focusing on the relationship they have
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with themselves first,
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because getting everything
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that you want always starts with you.
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If you’re single looking for love, the best place
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to get started is to watch my free masterclass,
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to learn more about what we do that is
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so radically different from anything else
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available anywhere.
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And if you’re in a relationship
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and want to continue being the most magnetic
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and powerful version of yourself,
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I’m cooking up something super special where you can get all
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of my programs and my workshops with monthly q
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and a sessions too, and any of my other goodies.
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So we’ve started a wait list for that.
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Both links are in the show notes and in the description.
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So let’s get into it. Why you ignore red flags?
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There are three big reasons,
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and I’ll bet at least one of these will hit home.
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The first reason is this, you want what you want so badly
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that you see what you want to see.
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So let’s be honest. When you really want a relationship
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to work, you don’t wanna see the things that might ruin it.
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You’ve got your eye on the prize, the outcome
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that you desire, the dream, the potential, the hope,
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and well, he checks a lot of your boxes.
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He looks great on paper. You have chemistry.
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There is more potential here than anything you’ve
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experienced in a long time.
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So you convince yourself
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that the weird thing he said isn’t a big deal,
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that the moment he was a little dismissive,
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he was probably just tired.
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That the thing that didn’t add up is just you being overly
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unfair or sensitive.
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You’re not clueless, but you’re selective in
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what you let yourself see.
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You minimized, you minimize, you rationalize, you ignore.
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You don’t want the red flag to be real
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because if it is,
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that means this whole thing might not work out,
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and either that hurts just too much
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or you have to start all over again,
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or even maybe this is as good as it gets
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and nothing is perfect,
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and what if something else better doesn’t come along?
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So yes, this is good enough.
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We are going forward, but here’s the truth
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that you already know and have learned the hard way.
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Ignoring the flags does not make them go away.
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It only just delays the inevitable
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and all the heavy consequences.
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You are trading short-term gain for long-term pain.
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When you fall in love with the idea
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of the relationship rather than seeing the relationship for
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what it is, or you fall in love with the idea of him
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rather than seeing him for who he really is, you are blinded
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by the desire for the outcome rather than being present in
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the journey of creating it.
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The second reason smart women ignore red flags is
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because you’re disconnected from your emotions.
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This one’s a little sneaky
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because you don’t even realize it’s happening.
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You get a feeling in your body, an ick, that tightness,
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a sense of something’s off, but instead of pausing
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and tuning in, you override it, ignore it, minimize it,
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or you feel it but you don’t know what it is
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and you brush it off not making the connection
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between the feeling that you’re having
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and your body’s response to something
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that you’re experiencing.
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You don’t want to feel uncomfortable or anxious or afraid.
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You don’t even know how to sit with that feeling
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so you shove it aside.
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Maybe you grew up in a home where feelings weren’t safe
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or where emotions weren’t allowed.
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It’s the I’ll give you something to cry about message.
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Maybe you were called too sensitive when you were little,
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or you learn to stay calm and logical to avoid conflict.
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So now emotions are like a foreign language
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that you never really learn to speak,
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or maybe it’s as simple as how your brain works.
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Maybe you’re a sciencey, mathy kind of woman
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or engineers, CPAs, data analysts,
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and even doctors can be like this.
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What pop culture considers being left brain dominant,
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whatever the reason, your emotional world is just a little
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bit underdeveloped.
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You’re cut off from your emotional self
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and you aren’t fully connected to your emotional world.
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But here’s the thing, intuition is a felt sense.
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It’s your spidey senses alerting you
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to something even when you don’t have a tangible
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or logical reason for thinking something, but you feel it.
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Nonetheless, not all red flags are bright red.
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Some are pale shades of pink.
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I joke with my clients that also some flags are on fire
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and you still go forward anyway, which goes back
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to the last reason you want what you want so badly, okay?
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As long as you resist, refuse,
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or repress your feelings, you deny them,
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turn away from them,
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remain disconnected from your emotional self,
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you’ll never connect to your intuition.
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You will not be able to access
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that internal guidance system.
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If you don’t know how to feel your feelings
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or you’re not willing to feel your feelings,
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you’ll keep missing the messages
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that they are trying to send you.
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This is something that we teach in the Ready
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for Love program because it’s actually that common
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of a problem, especially for high achieving women.
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And this brings me to the last reason.
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Smart women ignore red flags, and I hear this all the time.
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It’s the I see the good in people. No one’s perfect.
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I don’t wanna judge anyone.
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You pride yourself on being kind, compassionate,
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and nonjudgmental.
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You don’t wanna write someone off too quickly
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so you give him the benefit of the doubt.
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Make excuses for what you see,
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like he’s going through a hard time.
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You’re understanding, accommodating and empathic.
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Maybe you think it’s noble to be this way.
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You were raised to think this makes you a good
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person, but here’s the truth.
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When you choose to see only the good in someone,
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you aren’t seeing them for all of who they are.
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You are seeing what you want
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to see rather than seeing the whole picture.
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You see their potential
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and ignore their problems or their patterns.
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So you overlook the things that should make you walk away
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that is not compassionate and that is not generous.
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That’s self betrayal, and it’s definitely not noble.
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We are all more than our best parts.
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That’s what makes us dynamic and human.
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You need to see all the parts
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so you can discern whether this person with all
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of their parts is a fit for you.
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So let’s pull this all together.
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You ignore red flags because you’re human,
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because you want love, because you don’t want to feel pain.
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You don’t want to start over. You don’t want to be single.
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You want love because no one taught you how
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to trust your instincts.
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But here’s the bottom line, you relationships are a mirror.
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If ignoring red flags is a pattern for you,
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then the work isn’t about them
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and all the things they are doing or not doing.
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It’s about you. And you have to get honest about
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where you don’t trust your own feelings,
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where you silence your voice,
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where you’ve abandoned yourself in the pursuit
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of being loved and in the name of being a good person.
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You have to learn to trust yourself, to listen to
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what your emotions are trying to tell you,
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and to see people clearly without projecting
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your hopes onto them.
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It’s not always easy to shift out of this mode
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because likely you’ve been doing this a very long time
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and it’s so deeply embedded
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and even so subtle you may not even know you’re doing it.
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And what we don’t want is for you to do a 180
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and start looking for the red flags
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because you’re trying to avoid them.
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That doesn’t work either because we get what we expect.
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There is a sweet spot in the middle where you are wise
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and smart and savvy,
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and you trust yourself without being hypervigilant
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and pushing people away too soon for the wrong reasons.
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If you’re tired of ignoring red flags and getting burned,
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and if you’re ready to show up grounded and confident
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and emotionally attuned to yourself
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so you can finally choose the right man, instead of trying
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to turn the wrong one into the right one,
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watch my free masterclass.
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It’s designed specifically for high achieving women
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who have everything but love
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and are ready to change that the link is in the description.
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I will see you there.
