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I’ve personally worked with tens of thousands
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of women over the last 25 years,
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and I can tell you there’s nothing more frustrating,
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confusing, or even dangerous than not being able
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to see yourself or a situation.
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Clearly, blind spots are the things that you’re doing
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or the ways that you’re thinking
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that are actually working against you, but you can’t see it.
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In fact, you might think that you’re doing something good
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or helpful when really it’s backfiring
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and keeping you stuck.
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And when you don’t realize something’s a problem
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and you just keep doing it over
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and over again, you’re going to get the same outcome.
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Just digging yourself in deeper
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and deeper without even knowing it.
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So today I am sharing the four biggest blind spots
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that I see in high achieving women
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who are dating and looking for love.
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And by the end I promise you’ll walk away
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with at least one powerful realization about why love has
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been elusive and how to finally get out of your own way.
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Hey, welcome back, and if you’re new here,
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I’m Hillary Silver, former clinical therapist turned,
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master coach and the founder of Ready For Love,
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the longest running
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and most successful relationship coaching program in the
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world for high achieving women who have everything but love
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and for women who’ve tried everything
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and nothing has worked.
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If you wanna know more, you can watch my free masterclass
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where I share our proven four step method.
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Just go to hillary silver.com/masterclass.
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Okay, let’s just get straight to it.
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The first blind spot
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that most high achievers have about love
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and relationships is ambivalence,
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which is when you want something
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and you kind of don’t want it.
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At the same time, so many have our ready
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for love clients say they wanna partner to do life with,
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and they are out there dating and doing all the things,
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but under the surface there’s another voice one that says,
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what if I choose wrong again?
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What if I mess it up?
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What if I lose myself in the relationship again?
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What if I get hurt? I don’t wanna give up my freedom,
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my independence, and my autonomy.
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And so without realizing it, they’re out there dating,
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but they’re doing it with all this fear and doubt
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and anxiety and second guessing
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and questioning themselves, wanting it,
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but also not wanting it at the same time.
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That is classic ambivalence
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and it’s what I call driving with one foot on the gas
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and one foot on the brake
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and wondering why you’re not getting anywhere.
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And here’s the thing most people don’t know,
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you simply can’t fake it going
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through all the motions on the surface,
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but having these deep down conversations with yourself
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actually blocks what it is
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that you want from coming into your life.
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It’s a vibe and it’s an energetic signal
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and it creates confusion in your field,
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which I know sounds woo, but it’s true.
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And it sends mixed messages to every man that you meet
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and it sends mixed messages out into the universe itself.
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I want this thing, but also maybe I don’t.
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I’m ready for it, but I’m scared. So maybe nevermind.
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You say that you’re open, but you’re also guarded.
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You say you’re ready, but you’re terrified.
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If you are not ready for it, it will not come. Period.
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This energy will block any good thing
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that you want from coming into your life,
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so it will just never happen.
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So while you’re out there trying your best
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and spending your time and your energy and all this effort
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and maybe even money on apps
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or matchmakers, instead of attracting what you want,
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you keep attracting more of what you fear
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and create more evidence that it can’t happen for you,
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which is attracting emotionally unavailable men
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or men who won’t commit, or men who aren’t at your level,
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or men who ghost or who seem great at first,
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but then disappear.
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Can you see how this blind spot
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of ambivalence keeps you from getting what you want
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and it makes you your own biggest obstacle?
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And it’s why we are having this conversation today so
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that you can just get out of your own way
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and in order to get out of your own way,
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you must do the work on all the reasons
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that you keep putting your foot on the brakes and resisting
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and why you’re afraid and all the what ifs so
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that you can just be free and clear to let love in.
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Okay, so the second blind spot is dating from a place
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of lack, lack of worth, lack of confidence
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and lack of self-trust.
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And instead, you’re dating with this insecurity
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and self-doubt and fear and scarcity,
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and this is one of the most deceptive blind spots
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for high achieving women because you think of yourself
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as a smart, powerful, and confident woman
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because you are that at work.
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You point to all of your success and your accolades
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and your achievements and your accomplishments
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and maybe even the money in the bank, the letters
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behind your name and you say, yes, see, I’m confident.
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Look at all that I’ve done.
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So you’ve climbed the ladder
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and you have achieved this level of success that most women
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and anyone would envy, and there is so much to be proud of.
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Yet your track record with men does not reflect that
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of a woman at your level.
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In fact, the truth
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of your relationship experiences reveal anything
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but a woman who truly, genuinely knows her worth
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and her value, doesn’t it?
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So you have situational confidence, not true confidence.
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And so here’s the thing you really have to hear today.
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Your worth has nothing to do with your accomplishments
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or anything that you’ve built for yourself
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externally in your life, your looks
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or anything else like that.
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Your true worth is inside of you
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and it’s been neglected all this time while you’ve been busy
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chasing and proving your worth
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and enoughness in your external accomplishments.
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But if we take away all
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of these trophies on your mantle, what is left?
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Nothing but a little girl inside of you who
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so desperately wants to be seen and loved
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and known, this is the secret plight of the high achiever.
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It’s a fact, a little known fact, but a fact
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nonetheless, that high achieving women often secretly
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struggle with low self-worth and low self-esteem
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because the truth is, if you really knew your worth
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and your value, you would not
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tolerate the things that you have.
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You wouldn’t over-function people please
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or feel anxiety around whether he likes you and picks you
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and you wouldn’t care so much
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what other people think about you all the time.
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You also wouldn’t stay too long with the wrong men
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and try to make it work.
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You wouldn’t settle for anything less than you deserve
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or desire in a partner or in a relationship.
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You wouldn’t stay too long with the wrong men
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and try to make it work,
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and you wouldn’t be confused about
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whether he’s good for you.
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You would just know. So until you address the deep lack
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inside of yourself, you not enoughness, quality, love
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and relationships will always remain out of reach.
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The third blind spot I see is high achieving women waiting
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to be picked instead of doing the picking
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or waiting to be chosen instead of doing the choosing.
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This one is incredibly common,
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but almost no one talks about it.
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So you meet someone who seems nice and
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because he shows interest,
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you think maybe this could be something.
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Maybe he checks some of your boxes
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or maybe there’s chemistry,
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or maybe he’s just a man who pursues you when
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so many others have flaked.
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You are interested only because of his interest in you.
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So whatever the reason, you let his attention dictate your
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attraction, you let his pursuit determine the path forward
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and you get flattered way too easily, I might add.
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So you go with the flow and see where it goes.
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Maybe even knowing the whole time that he’s not your guy,
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but going along anyway because nothing else is coming along.
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Maybe you think this is as good as it gets better.
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Hang on in case what I really want just doesn’t happen.
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But here’s the problem. You’re not choosing.
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You’re just responding.
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And when you are in your worth, you don’t wait to be picked.
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You get clear about who you are and what you really want
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and you select accordingly.
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This isn’t about chasing men
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or being the pursuer, it’s about showing up
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with discernment, having a clear sense of what you need
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and want in a partner and not wasting time entertaining
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anyone who doesn’t align with that.
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Because when you just go along, you take
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what you’re getting rather than getting what you want.
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It’s important to know why you picked wrong in the past
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and how to change your attraction pattern if
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it’s if that’s what’s needed.
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And you also need to understand
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what makes a good partner for you.
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Understanding your ideal man criteria, which is
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what I call it, is more than a list on paper.
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It’s actually trusting yourself
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to know it when you see it in person,
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when he’s actually standing there right in front of you.
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Otherwise you end up settling, bargaining, compromising,
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or negotiating with yourself
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or just continuing to go along with anyone who pursues you.
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Again, being interested in him only
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because of his interest in you.
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This is not the way to a truly great relationship at all.
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And finally, this is the blind spot
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that wastes the most time
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because it tricks you into thinking you’re doing something
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when you’re really just spinning your wheels
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and calling it progress.
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It’s thinking love will just magically happen thinking
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that you’re working on your love life
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because you’re thinking about it and trying and dating,
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but you’re actually not really making any real progress
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or taking any real action.
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It’s hoping, praying, wishing, dreaming, waiting
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for the right guy to just come along.
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It’s talking about it with your girlfriends.
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It’s thinking that putting yourself out there
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to find love is enough to actually find love.
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It’s dating a lot and going on more dates
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and thinking it’s a numbers game.
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I’ve literally heard people say it’s just a numbers game.
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It’s continuing to get out there
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and focusing on which app you’re on and your profile
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and your pictures and the men
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and the events and the coffee dates.
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It’s walking into any room
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and scanning to see if maybe your guy
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could possibly be here.
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It’s believing that you just need to find the right guy
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and you’ll be good to go.
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Or alternatively,
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it’s taking time off from dating when you just need
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to take a break and you need a breather.
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But while you’re taking a break, you’re not doing anything
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to work on yourself while you’re taking this time out
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and sitting on the bench.
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In this case, you’re sitting there
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and time just passes you by.
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And then when you decide that you are ready to try again,
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you get out there and nothing has changed
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because you haven’t done anything to work on yourself.
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So women will get out there
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and immediately experience the same exact issues as before.
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So here’s the truth. Thinking about dating in relationships
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is not working on it.
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Learning about feminine energy
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or memorizing what some influencer says to text him
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to get another date is not working on it
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and actually going to therapy is not working on it.
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And just getting out there and dating and dating
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and dating is not working on it.
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Meanwhile, you’re going about it all wrong,
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and it only reinforces the belief that maybe love isn’t
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for you or that all the good ones are taken
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or that you just have to settle for a life without love.
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Listen to me right now.
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Do not give up until you have actually worked on it.
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Dating while you are completely unaware
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of yourself is a setup for exhaustion and disappointment.
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Nothing changes unless you change.
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Remember our old friend Einstein said,
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doing the same thing over and over again,
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but expecting different results is insanity.
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That’s that famous quote by him.
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I just call it denial, refusing to look at what is going on
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and avoiding the real issues
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or just trying so hard to figure it out.
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But looking in all the wrong places is is denial.
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If your outer results keep repeating,
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it’s not what’s happening out there.
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It’s about something in here.
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It’s something you’re not seeing,
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and that is the best news I can give you.
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If you are somehow the problem
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and you are willing to look in the mirror,
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then you are very, very quickly the solution.
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We are all always our own biggest obstacles.
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We are all always our own problem.
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And personally, I want to be the problem
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because if I’m the problem,
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then I can get to be the solution.
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I can do the work, I can shift, evolve, learn, grow,
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learn a skill, change my mindset,
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whatever it is that I need to do.
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But if I commit to it, I can change it,
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and then I always end up getting what I want.
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So I hope having this conversation today
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and revealing these four blind spots helped you see
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what needs to change for you
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to start having better results in your love life.
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If you’re ready to take the next step and to see if
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and how we are a fit to help you specifically apply
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for a call with my team, just go
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to hillary silver.com/apply.
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Thanks for being here, and please share this with anyone
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who needs to hear this and I’ll see you next time.
