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Your entire life, you’ve been following a set of rules.
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Be sweet, be kind, don’t make waves, don’t be too
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much, go with the flow, make everyone else comfortable, even
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if it means you’re uncomfortable.
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And when it comes to men, be pretty enough, thin enough, funny
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enough, cool enough, easy enough so you can get the guy, because
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his picking you is what makes you enough.
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What if I told you those rules were designed to keep you small, to keep you
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controllable, to keep you from realizing just how powerful
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you actually are? Today, I’m giving you five new rules,
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rules that flip the script, rules that put you at the center of your
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own life, because it’s time to stop being a good girl and start being
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yourself.
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Women have long been oppressed by narratives,
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socialization, and conditioning for generations.
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This is how patriarchy has persisted for so long, by teaching us
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these rules, by making us believe that following them is what makes
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us good, lovable, and worthy. The narratives are
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that our ultimate fulfillment and purpose is being chosen by
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a man and building a family with him.
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And in order to be chosen, there is a very specific way to
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be: feminine, selfless, nurturing, take
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care of everyone before yourself, be selfless,
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gracious, accommodating, be agreeable, helpful, sweet,
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pleasing, be easy, don’t be too much.
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It’s all so very narrow and oppressive, putting
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us in a one-down position, in a box, instilling
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passivity and pick me energy. You’re only someone if
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he wants to be with you, so do what you need to do.
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Be pretty enough and thin enough and all those things enough so that you can get
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the guy. Because somehow, when we finally get the guy, his
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picking of us makes us enough, and then we have to keep it up
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so that we can keep him. That’s the old rule book, and it’s complete
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b******t. So today, I’m giving you five
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paradigm-flipping new rules for women so we can start
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rewriting our own narrative, grab the wheel, take control of our own
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destiny, and live life on our own terms, whether that includes
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a partner or not. These aren’t rules in the traditional sense.
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They’re permission slips, invitations to become the woman that
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you were before the world told you who to be.
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So rule number one: be unruly.
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Remember in the ’80s and ’90s, there was that bumper sticker that said, “Question
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authority”? That’s kind of what this is all about.
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I break rules all the time, especially if they’re stupid rules
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made up by no one special for no good reason, just for the sake of having a
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rule. When I play a game, I follow the rules because I’m not a cheater.
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I file my taxes. I’m a law-abiding citizen most of the time.
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I don’t hurt people or steal. I have been known to run a red light at 5:00
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AM on my way to the gym when no one else is on the road.
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But that’s what I’m talking about, questioning everything that feels like a
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rule, not just to be oppositional and defiant like a child, but so you
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can start thinking for yourself. Ask, “Says
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who? Where did this come from? And why do I need to do this or
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be this way? What about this feels wrong?
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What about this feels unfair?” Really, says who?
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If you were in charge, how would things go?
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Because most of the rules that you’re following were not designed for
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your benefit. They were designed to keep you compliant, to keep you
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small, to keep you in line, and to keep you from questioning the systems
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that benefit from your obedience. Why do I have to smile at strangers?
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Why do I have to be polite? Why do I have to soften my tone to be taken
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seriously? Why am I not allowed to be emotional?
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Why do I have to explain myself when I say no?
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Who made these rules, and who do they serve?
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When you start asking these questions, you start seeing how many
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invisible rules you’ve actually been following without realizing it, rules
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about how you should look and how you should speak and how you should behave, what
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you should want, who you should be.
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The moment you start questioning them is the moment that you start taking your
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power back and living the most authentic, aligned life.
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So be unruly. Break the rules that don’t serve you.
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Make your own rules. Live by your own code.
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Number two: be difficult. It’s way more interesting
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to be difficult than it is to be easy.
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Being difficult means that you have opinions.
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You have likes and dislikes, maybe even strong opinions.
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Being easy is watered down, no flavor, no decisiveness,
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no character, boring. Being difficult is fun and feisty and
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flavorful and spicy. It means you know yourself really well, and you’re
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secure enough in yourself to express it.
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No biting your tongue and going with the flow just so everyone else is more
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comfortable while you suffer. Maybe you don’t even know or realize the
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extent of your suffering because you’ve been doing it for so long.
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But yes, being easy means you’re swallowing it all down to keep the
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peace, to caretake everyone else’s feelings, to not cause
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trouble, to be liked. And here’s what happens when you do that.
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You disappear. You become a version of yourself that’s palatable to
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everyone else but unrecognizable to you.
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You lose your edges, your preferences, your personality, and your
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spark, all in the name of being easy, agreeable, and
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low-maintenance. But you know what? Easy is forgettable.
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Difficult is memorable. Difficult is magnetic.
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Difficult is real. When you’re difficult, people know where they stand with
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you. They know what you like and what you don’t.
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They know that you have boundaries and standards, and they know you respect
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yourself. The right people will appreciate that, and they will respect you for
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it, and they will rise to meet you. The wrong people will be
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annoyed. They’ll call you high-maintenance or demanding or too much.
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Good.Let them go. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, okay?
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They were just never your people to begin with.
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Because being difficult isn’t about being mean or unreasonable, it’s about being
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honest. It’s about knowing yourself so well that, and,
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and being able to express what you want and what you don’t want without fear.
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It’s about refusing to shrink yourself to make others comfortable.
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So stop apologizing for having preferences.
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Stop pretending you don’t care when you do, and stop going along
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with things that don’t feel good just to avoid conflict, make other
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people happy, and to be easy. Dare to be difficult.
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Please, be high maintenance. Be your full self.
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That’s where all the good stuff is.
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Number three: be uncontrollable.
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I’ve had so many women over the years tell me they’re afraid of getting into a
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relationship with another controlling man.
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These are otherwise smart, successful women, powerful in their
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careers, but in the past they’ve been with men who were very
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suspicious of their every move, who told them what to wear, who they could
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hang out with, when they could go out or not, how to spend money, even their
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own money. So yeah, I’d be afraid of that, too.
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I would never want to end up in a situation like that.
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But the answer isn’t to avoid controlling men.
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The answer is to become uncontrollable.
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If you’re an uncontrollable woman, you have nothing to fear.
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You never have to worry about being stuck in a relationship with a controlling man
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and having your autonomy and freedom stripped when you are simply
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uncontrollable. I’ve always been an entrepreneur, and I joke that I’ve
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just always been insubordinate and unemployable.
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I can’t have a boss because I can’t stand being told what to do.
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It’s kind of like that. And that has served me very well,
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not just in business, but in life, in relationships, too, because
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I’m not controllable. I’m not manageable.
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I’m not someone who can be molded or shaped or directed.
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I’m my own boss of myself. You are your
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own boss of yourself. Remember when you were seven years old and
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someone tried to tell you what to do and your response was, “You’re not the
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boss of me”? Take that to heart. Bring back that energy.
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You’re not the boss of me. No one gets to control your time, your
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energy, your body, your choices, your life. No one.
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Not your partner, not your parents, not your boss, not
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society. You are autonomous. You are
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free. You are sovereign. You are differentiated, a
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distinct, individual human being.
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And when you embody that, when you become truly
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uncontrollable, you never have to fear being controlled
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again because the man who tries to control you will quickly
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realize that it’s just not gonna work.
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And in fact, being this way sends an energy and a vibe that
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creates kind of a force field around you.
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Those types of people just bounce right out of your way.
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They don’t even really come into your world.
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Basically, you are u************e.
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So be uncontrollable, be untamable, be
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ungovernable. You are your own authority.
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I just love this so much. Number four: be a no
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person. Despite what you’ve been told, you are not here to serve
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others, help others, take care of others, do favors for other people, make
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other people happy if it means that you sacrifice yourself
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in any way, your time, your energy, your mental or your emotional
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wellbeing and safety, your money, your belongings.
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If doing something is a threat or a sacrifice to
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you in any way, it’s a no. We’ve been conditioned
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to say yes to every invite, to every second date,
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even if you don’t want to go out with him because you’re afraid of hurting his
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feelings or being honest, saying yes to helping your mother-in-law, saying
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yes to volunteering at the school, yes to all things.
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But here’s what I want you to do. Be a no
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person. Your automatic response is no instead of
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yes. “I can’t do that. It doesn’t work for me.
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No, that’s not possible. No, I can’t.” You can always change your mind later and
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say, “I thought about it, and if you still need me, I can help.” But once you say
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yes, it is so much harder to back out.
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It can be done, but it’s just harder.
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So just start getting used to protecting yourself, your time, your
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energy, and say no. And if that feels too
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big, too much of a stretch, and you’re not ready for that just yet, then while
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you’re learning to build this muscle, your new best friend is this.
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“Let me think about it and get back to you.
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Let me check my calendar and get back to you.” That buys you just a
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little bit of time. It gives you the space to actually consider whether you want
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to do this thing or not, or to just find your words, whether
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it serves you, whether it feels good, because here’s the
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truth. Most of the time, when you say yes immediately, you’re
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not saying yes because you want to.
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I, I bet you if anything, I’m willing to bet if you look at it
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all, you will be saying yes because you feel obligated,
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because you’re afraid of disappointing someone, because you don’t want to seem
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difficult or unhelpful or selfish.
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But saying yes when you mean no is lying.
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It’s self-betrayal. It’s abandoning yourself to please
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someone else. Are you trying to fulfill a role that you
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didn’t choose for yourself? Every time you do
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that, you reinforce the belief that other people’s needs matter more than
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yours. So start saying no. Start protecting your yeses.
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Start reserving your time and energy for the things that genuinely light you
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up, that are in alignment, that are in accordance with your own values.
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No pleasing others if it doesn’t genuinely please you
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first. That’s the new rule. And this last one is a fun
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one, but it’s gonna make some of you very uncomfortable, and of course,
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that’s a good thing. It means we’re onto something, right?
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Be a taker.Women are conditioned to be the givers,
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the nurturers, the caretakers, the ones who give and give and give until there’s
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nothing left. We’re trained to be modest and humble and self-effacing, to be
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demure, to minimize our accomplishments, and downplay our strengths.
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Let others take the credit for what we’ve done.
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Taking is somehow selfish and arrogant or greedy, and that’s not feminine.
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But here’s what happens when you only give.
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You deplete yourself, you murder yourself, you build
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resentment, and you teach people that your needs don’t matter.
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You disappear from your own life. So I’m here to tell you, be
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a taker. Take up space. Take the last cookie.
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Take the compliment. Take the credit.
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Take the help when it’s offered, and take what you deserve.
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Because when you take and when you receive,
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that’s the word, you teach people that you matter and that you’re worthy
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and that you are here and that you exist.
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Taking up space means not shrinking yourself in meetings, not
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making yourself smaller so someone else can feel bigger, not
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apologizing for something you didn’t do wrong or just for
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existing. It means sitting up at the table and speaking up,
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not waiting for permission to be seen or heard.
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Taking help means not always being the strong one who carries the load
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alone. It means saying, “Yes, thank you,” when someone offers
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assistance. It means allowing yourself to be taken care of.
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I know that’s really hard for some of you.
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Taking compliments means you’re not deflecting or diminishing.
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It means just saying thank you when someone tells you that you’re brilliant or
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beautiful or talented, and actually letting it land without
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making a joke about it or deflecting or just returning the
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compliment. Just take it and believe it.
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I know this may feel so very uncomfortable for many of you
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who never received, not even when you were little.
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You were ignored and abandoned and left all alone to
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figure life out on your own. But this is a life-changing
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shift. You have to do it if you want a loving relationship with a
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partner, if you want healthy friendships, and if you want to
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learn how to love and value yourself.
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So listen, you deserve to take up space and
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receive all things, love, success, pleasure,
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rest, recognition, abundance, not because you earned
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it, not because you’ve proved you’re worthy, but simply because you
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exist. Stop over-giving from a place of
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insecurity or trying to earn your worth.
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Start taking. Start receiving.
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Start occupying the space that’s already yours.
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Be a taker unapologetically. The old rules were designed
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to keep you small and controllable and to keep you from realizing just
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how powerful you are, to have you play nicely in a world centered
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around others, being who you need to be to make the
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world go around like a cog in the wheel of
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patriarchal status quo. But you are not here to be part of an assembly
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line, to go through the motions of what is expected of you.
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Once you realize this, you can decide not to follow the
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antiquated, archaic, oppressive rules anymore and
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ditch it all. And when you start living by any new rules that you
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get to decide for yourself, rules that put you at the center of
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your own life, that have you honoring yourself and listening to yourself and
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being true to yourself, you stop fitting into a box that is
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too small or ill-shaped for you, and you start
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expanding and growing your capacity for more,
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to live the biggest, most extraordinary life.
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Shed the shoulds, ditch the expectations, and break out of the
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quiet confinement. The self-defining and
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self-determining version of you is the most powerful,
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magnetic, and liberated version of you that’s ever existed.
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This is how we begin rewriting the narrative one woman at a time,
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starting with you. Thanks for being here.
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If this episode resonated, please share it with someone who needs to hear it.
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And if you would take just a minute to rate and review the show, it would mean the
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world to me. Oh, and one more thing. P.S.
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Did you know that I’m on Substack? You can follow me over there for free, and
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paid subscribers get more in-depth content, and you can even chat with
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me when I do live videos over there.
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See you next time.
