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Everyone is talking about attachment styles right now.
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Anxious, avoidant, disorganized.
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It’s everywhere on social media.
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Suddenly, every influencer
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and baby coach who just learned the term
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yesterday is an expert.
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Even real professionals can’t stop talking about it.
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You may be surprised to hear this from me, a therapist
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and coach, someone who’s been counseling
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and coaching men, women and couples for 25 years.
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But I’m telling you this, stop, stop listening to that
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and learning about it because none of
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that information matters at all when you’re dating
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and looking for love.
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Nor does it matter when you’re in a long-term relationship.
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All of this talk, all of the chatter and commentary
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and over-explaining attachment is not helping you.
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In fact, it’s actually hurting you,
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and it definitely won’t help you find the love you want.
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I know it sounds really contrarian.
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So today I’m telling you why it’s such a harmful trap
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and what you really need
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to do instead when you’re deciding if someone is
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the right partner for you.
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Welcome back friends,
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and if you’re new here, I’m Hilary Silver,
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former clinical therapist turned master coach of 25 years,
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and I’m the founder of Ready For Love.
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We help high achieving women attract partners
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who are equally as extraordinary as they are
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and create the loving,
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supportive relationships they’ve been dreaming of
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by focusing on the relationship
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that they have with themselves.
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Getting anything you want always starts with you.
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And if you wanna know more about that right now,
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you can watch my free masterclass.
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It’s only 35 minutes.
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I’ll put the link in the description below.
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So what do high achieving intelligent women do when
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something in their life isn’t working?
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Especially something as confusing
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and painful as your love life.
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You do what you’ve always done, you research, you analyze,
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and you problem solve.
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You aim to fix it because you’re a go-getter.
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Well, that works in many areas of your life,
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but when it comes to personal growth
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and relationships, it’s just different.
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So while you’re reading the books
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and listening to the podcasts even,
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and following all the experts
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and even going to therapy to understand why you are the way
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that you are, and to learn about what kind
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of attachment style he has, none of
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that is going to help you.
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You think it is, but it’s not.
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And here are three reasons why
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and what actually matters instead.
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First, information doesn’t create transformation.
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Okay? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve spoken with women
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who have done therapy for years, gone to the retreats,
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done the seminars, Tony Robbins events,
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and they even have stacks of books on their nightstand.
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And so they can talk the talk,
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telling me all about their patterns
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and why they do what they do and where it comes from.
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But the problem is nothing has changed.
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They haven’t changed.
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This has them doing what I call knowing better
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and still not doing better.
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And this is so hard.
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It’s excruciating because it’s like when you’re trying
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to lose 20 pounds, right?
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You know you’re not supposed to eat junk food when you’re
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trying to lose weight, and then you do it anyway falling
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into the same old patterns and the same old behavior traps.
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So gathering information and researching
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and learning is actually a distraction from moving forward
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and making meaningful change.
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Learning about something and understanding it is not
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taking action.
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There’s a big difference.
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It’s rumination and obsession
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and mental masturbation, just overthinking
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and overanalyzing.
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It’s having a morbid curiosity
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and fascination about your own past
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and your own psychology and his.
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So this is what I call being therapized overly therapized.
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You’ve been in the works for years.
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You know all the right terms.
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You can name all your patterns
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and you understand your childhood wounds and inside and out
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and how it all came to be in your head,
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but it hasn’t landed in your body or in your choices
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or in your relationships.
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So please stop spending all your time
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and energy learning about how you got to this point
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and why you do what you do.
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Worrying about labeling your own attachment style
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and diagnosing his and how they either go together
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or they don’t, and instead just focus on what you need
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to do differently and how to do it so you can move forward
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and actually create real change
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and get the results that you want.
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Focus on cultivating real inner security
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where your worth isn’t tied to his behavior
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and your intuition becomes your guide.
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Second, all
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of this attachment Bs keeps you intellectualizing the issue
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rather than learning to trust yourself.
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So what I mean by this is the more you try to dig in deep
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to understand why someone is avoidant
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and what avoidant behavior looks like,
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you’re following a list on paper, a list compiled
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of all the typical things,
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and avoidant will do also, that you can determine the label
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and categorize him.
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But as we all know, people are not cut and dry like that.
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It’s just not black and white.
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It’s not so easy and neat and clean.
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We are messy and unpredictable
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and inconsistent because we’re human.
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We’re not a mathematical equation.
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When you’re following the GPS map,
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the actual territory is not always the same, right?
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So GPS says, there’s a road here for me to turn onto,
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but I don’t see a road.
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So the map tells me one thing,
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but the actual terrain is different.
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So now what? Do you see? What I mean?
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Just because someone told you what to expect from a man
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who is avoidant, and what that will make you do
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as an anxious person doesn’t necessarily mean
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it’s actually so.
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So here’s the danger in pigeonholing someone into a label,
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you end up making judgements
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and then key decisions about this person based on this
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arbitrary label
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and information, you end up projecting your fears and doubts
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and insecurities onto this person
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and predicting the future, anticipating
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and trying to preempt any potential disappointment.
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So you can cut it off before you get hurt.
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But this is like fortune telling
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because you don’t actually know what he
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or she will actually do.
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You can walk away from someone
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because you’ve decided they’re avoidant,
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and that doesn’t work well
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for your attachment style, someone like you.
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But this is playing it safe.
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It’s playing defense against yourself.
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So again, rather than worry about the labels
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and being in your head and analyzing and overthinking
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and intellectualizing the concept,
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just work on your own relationship with yourself.
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Focus on becoming the best version of you.
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A woman who shows up in her love life from a place
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of deep self-worth and wisdom.
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And you only get that from having a rock solid relationship
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with yourself, trusting yourself, listening to yourself,
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and deciding if being with this person is good for you
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or not, regardless of any label.
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And finally, just
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because someone reacts the way that they do today
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doesn’t mean that they will do that all the time
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and forever into the future.
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So this leads me to the last and most important point.
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And to be honest,
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this is something very few people talking about attachment
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can say, I’ve been with my husband for 25 years.
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I have the advantage of perspective.
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We have been through a lot together raising two kids,
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losing parents, career changes, all the seasons of life.
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It’s not always pretty and it’s never perfect.
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Just because I know all that I know doesn’t mean
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that I get it right all the time.
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I most certainly do not. But what I can tell you is this.
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It’s a damn good thing.
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I wasn’t thinking and overthinking about all this stuff
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when we first got together.
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Who knows what I would’ve decided then if I was looking
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for all of the labels and the pathology
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or what he would’ve decided about me,
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we may have pushed each other away.
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The truth is, over the years I’ve been anxious
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and insecure, and so has he.
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I’ve avoided intimacy
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and connection at times, and so has he.
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And I’ve been completely secure as well, all
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of which happens over the years.
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Together, we’ve hurt each other, we have conflict,
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and then we figure it out together,
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and the connection deepens.
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So instead of wasting your precious energy,
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dissecting his attachment style
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or yours for that matter, what you really need
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to be assessing is can we have hard conversations?
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When I share myself, how does it feel?
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Not can I share myself with this person
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that is not up to him?
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That is up to you, and only you can decide that.
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So when you do share yourself, how are you received?
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How does he respond and how does it feel?
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How do I feel with this person?
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This is about self-trust above all,
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and why it doesn’t matter what kind
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of attachment style they have.
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Just focus on yourself.
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Learn to tune in and rely on yourself becoming the best you.
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This is the deep permanent kind
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of change we help our clients create
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inside of ready for love.
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So if you’re ready to stop overthinking
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and start actually transforming the way you show up in your
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love life, watch the free masterclass
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or apply for a call with us.
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We’d love to help you. Thanks for listening,
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and I’ll see you next time.
