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What if I told you that everything you’ve been told about
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how to be confident is completely backwards.
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They Say confidence comes when you achieve
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and accomplish big things.
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But I talk to smart, successful, badass women
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every single day who crush it at work.
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Executives, lawyers, neurosurgeons, aerospace engineers,
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and they all tell me that they are confident
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and even have their mantle of trophies to prove it.
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Yet their track record
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with men dating in relationships does not reflect a truly
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confident woman at all.
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How they show up when they’re dating in relationships,
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what they’ve tolerated
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and put up with, questioning themselves,
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doubting themselves, losing themselves.
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Mainstream advice says confidence isn’t something
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that you feel before you act.
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It’s something that you earn
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after you act, that you don’t sit around waiting
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to feel confident so that you can do the scary thing.
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It’s you do the scary thing without feeling ready
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and then confidence comes afterwards as a result
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of having done it that way.
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It’s really proving to yourself that you can be confident
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because you’ve done something.
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At first. This might seem to make sense
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and it’s why people accept this as true,
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but I am here to tell you that this is completely backwards
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and actually misguided advice doing it this way is like
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giving yourself conditional love.
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Hillary, I will love you only when you’ve successfully
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completed a challenging
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and scary thing instead of Hillary,
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I will love you no matter what.
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Then Hillary feels secure enough
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to give it a try and see what happens.
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Can you see the difference?
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Being able to do a big scary thing
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and seeing yourself be successful at it can help build
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confidence over time.
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But honestly, most people will never do that scary thing
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because they’re not confident in themselves enough
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to do it in the first place.
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And what you need to understand
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is doing it this way is not building true confidence.
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It’s creating situational confidence, meaning
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you become confident in handling that kind of situation.
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It’s building an area of expertise
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and knowing that you’re good at doing that thing,
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you are confident because you have competence
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or experience in that area.
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And so this is why most women
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and all people actually mistake being confident at work
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as true confidence.
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And then it’s so confusing when they trip all over
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themselves when trying to be vulnerable
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and create intimacy with a man who they are interested in
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and then they end up settling for less than they deserve
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or desire in a partner or in a relationship.
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There’s a big discrepancy in
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how she shows up in all the other areas of her life.
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Friendships are family life too.
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So how does this whole confidence thing actually work?
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I’m gonna tell you right now, confidence begins
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with certainty
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and certainty only comes when you completely trust yourself.
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I’m going to explain what I mean by that in a minute,
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but first I want you to experience this
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feeling of certainty.
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Feel it in your body. So here’s a simple example.
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Last week my husband and I were going out to dinner
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and he was driving and we were about
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to pull out of the driveway.
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He started to go left, and I knew we needed to go right?
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I’ve been to this restaurant 10 times more than he has,
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so I was that certain of myself,
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and when he questioned me, I pushed hard for the right turn
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because I was that confident in being right.
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I was that sure of myself, that I was willing
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to bet my life on it.
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Whereas if I hadn’t been to that restaurant before
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and I wasn’t a hundred percent sure,
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I definitely would’ve doubted and waffled
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and eventually even acquiesced to his left turn.
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And I know it’s a silly little example,
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but it works for you to feel that certainty, right?
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I know you’ve been in a situation where you have the truth
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and you have the knowledge, and you have the information,
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and you know for sure that is certainty.
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Just feel it in your body.
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And so now that you know the feeling,
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let’s get even more specific about it.
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Trusting yourself isn’t about having all the answers
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or believing that you’ll succeed at something.
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It’s bigger than that and goes way beyond that.
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It’s actually having full faith
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and trust in yourself
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that you’ll be okay even if you don’t succeed.
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It’s being certain that you will be okay no matter
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what the circumstances or outcomes,
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and actually it’s not just being okay,
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but knowing that you will win no matter what happens.
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Let me say that again, that you will win no matter what,
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not just when things go well, not just when you succeed,
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but even when things don’t go as planned,
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even when it doesn’t work out the way you want,
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even when it fails spectacularly,
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you will still come out on top, you will still benefit,
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you will still learn, grow,
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and be directed towards something better That is certainty,
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and you don’t get that kind
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of radical certainty from external outcomes and results.
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You can only get that kind of radical certainty
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by giving it to yourself.
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It’s an internal decision, a declaration
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that becomes a deep knowing
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and a truth that lives inside of you.
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And this has to come first before you have any evidence,
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before you’ve proven anything and
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before you’ve stacked any wins, you decide right now
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that you will be okay no matter what.
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That even if you fail, even if you fall flat on your face,
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even if it’s devastating, you will survive.
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You will learn and grow and win.
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So say it with me right now, say it out loud.
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I win no matter what. I always win no matter what.
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That decision and declaration is what gives you the courage
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to take risks, to do new and scary things
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and to step into the unknown.
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You go first, then the world follows.
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And when you have that certainty, there’s no more paralysis,
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no more waiting to feel ready
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because you know whatever comes your way, you can handle it.
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That is the foundation of true confidence.
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And then you lock it in with the following steps
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and actions with the base of certainty in place.
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Step number one is to be committed
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to yourself first and always.
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This is where it begins.
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You decide that you are your own safest, best bet.
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If you are not willing to bet on yourself,
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what else can you bet on?
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You can only control you.
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So you are really your own safest, best bet
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that you can ever make
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because the ball is literally in your court.
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So here are two simple
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but very important things you can begin doing every day
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to strengthen your relationship with you.
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First, prioritize yourself.
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You really are the most important person in your life,
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so treat yourself like the VIP that you are.
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Consider your feelings and needs first,
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then make your decisions.
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Taking that into account, you come first
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and you go first in your own life.
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Know that is not selfish, it is necessary.
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And second, keep your word to yourself.
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If you say that you’re going
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to do something, you follow through.
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If you promised yourself you’re not gonna tolerate something
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anymore, you honor that and you hold the line.
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If you say, I am going to make myself a priority,
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then your actions start to reflect that you make time
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for the things that are important to you
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and that comes first.
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A truly confident woman knows her worth
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and treats herself the way she deserves to be treated.
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And when you consistently show yourself that level
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of commitment, when you prioritize yourself
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and keep your word to yourself, something shifts internally,
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the more you do it, the more you live it
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and experience it until one day you realize,
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this isn’t something I’m trying to do anymore.
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This is just who I am now,
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and that’s when everything changes.
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Step two, use fear to measure your growth
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even though you have this rock solid
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foundation of certainty.
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Now, taking risks is still scary,
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but feeling scared is your cue that it’s the right thing
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to do, not the wrong thing
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because if you only do what is safe
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and comfortable in love, life
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and business, you aren’t stretching yourself.
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You aren’t growing and expanding, and I love this
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because there’s an easy way to check in with yourself.
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Simply ask yourself these questions.
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How scared am I to do this?
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What are the potential upsides to this?
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And what’s the worst thing that can happen?
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Because you might realize
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that maybe it’s not a big enough step to take.
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Maybe you’re playing it safe, maybe you’re playing small.
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Embrace fear as a sign that this is an opportunity
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to expand your identity and capacity for more.
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This is next level s**t right here.
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And then remember whether it works out or not.
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It doesn’t even matter because you did it anyway.
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That in itself is the reward and the confidence builder.
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It’s not doing something scared
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and it going well, it’s simply doing something big
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and scary, period.
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So have the hard conversation.
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Apply for the job, get on the stage, go on a date.
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Say yes to the opportunity even if your knees are shaking,
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especially if your knees are shaking, that is the sign
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that you need to do it.
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It’s not about the outcome, it’s
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that you did it at all when there were no guarantees,
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and you bet on yourself.
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It’s saying to yourself, I’m a sure thing. I’ve got this.
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I’ll figure it out. I’ll handle myself,
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and whatever comes my way, that is the win.
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And that is how you build true confidence that continues
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to build on itself.
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Step three, track your progress.
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We often don’t give ourselves credit for our wins.
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We just put our heads down and move on to the next thing.
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That’s kind of how high achievers roll
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and personal growth happens very slowly and subtly.
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Sometimes we don’t even realize it.
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The only way to notice your growth is to actively look
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for it and celebrate it every day.
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This was life changing for me when I was launching Ready
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for Love, even when external things weren’t moving
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along in the business.
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I was personally growing a lot
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and I began a daily practice of celebrating wins,
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and it helped me see
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and appreciate my own growth, which
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as you’ve heard me say many times
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before, identity work is everything.
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Writing or speaking, these celebrations every single day
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marks the shifts that are happening, happening internally,
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and it becomes your evidence and proof of your growth.
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Step four, reframe everything as working in your favor.
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This is one of my favorite mindsets
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because it’s the one that makes you completely unstoppable.
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When something doesn’t go your way, it’s not failure,
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it’s not proof that you can’t do it
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or evidence for why you shouldn’t be confident.
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Instead, think about it as a redirection.
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The universe is closing the wrong door so
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that you don’t waste time going down the wrong path.
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If you choose to believe this,
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then when something doesn’t work out, your response is,
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what other amazing thing is coming my way
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that I just can’t see yet?
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Or what am I supposed to be learning right now?
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What is this growth opportunity?
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Anytime that my business is stuck
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or a goal of any kind remains just beyond reach, I know it’s
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because I’m not ready for it as I am right now.
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I have to grow in some way
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before I’m ready for that next level.
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And so when you adopt this mindset,
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you stop fearing the unknown.
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You stop fearing rejection
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or fearing all of the what ifs is if this doesn’t work out,
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because even if it doesn’t,
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you know it’s still working for you.
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That is why everything always works
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for your benefit and in your favor.
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I know this is a completely different way
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of thinking about confidence.
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It’s probably the opposite of
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what you’ve been told your whole life.
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I know it’s contrary to a lot of the popular YouTube videos
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and podcasts out there by people
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who are talking about confidence.
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But I promise you, this is the only way
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to build true confidence, not situational confidence
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that disappears the moment you step outside
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of your comfort zone or your area of expertise,
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not surface level confidence
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that crumbles when things don’t go your way.
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This is how you become dangerously truly confident, the kind
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that’s with you everywhere, the kind
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that makes you magnetic, the kind that changes everything.
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Thanks for listening today.
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If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review.
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Leave a comment on YouTube. It helps other women find us.
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And if you know someone who needs to hear this,
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please do share it with them.
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And if you want to check out the Daily tool
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to help you track your progress
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and build this unshakeable confidence,
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grab the Day Daily Journal.
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Go to ready for love inc.com/journal.
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I’ll see you next time.
