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I know you think you just haven’t met the kind of man
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who is equally as successful as you, a man who is strong
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and secure enough to celebrate your success rather than
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being intimidated by it.
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But that is not the real problem, I promise you.
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And if you keep thinking that it is, you are only going
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to exhaust yourself trying to find him.
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So today I’m going to tell you what the real problem
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actually is, and it might sting just a little bit,
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but it’s exactly what you need to hear
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because once you understand this, you’ll be able
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to unlock the frustrating
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and confusing cycle of dating,
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disappointment and relationship.
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Let down and finally just attract, create,
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and keep the love that you want.
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If you’re new to me in this podcast
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or you just need to be reminded,
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I really am an authority in this space.
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I’ve been a therapist and a coach for 25 years.
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I started with a private practice for 14 years working
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with men, women, and couples on the toughest life
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and relationship issues, things like divorce, infidelity,
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addictions, narcissism, anxiety, you name it.
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I’m classically trained in almost all the clinical
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modalities, and I was even one of the very first few people
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to ever be certified in EMDR back in 2005.
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Over the years, I have spent tens of thousands
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of hours with clients.
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So I’m not just a content creator who posts videos
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and sells courses and has this podcast.
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I’ve actually been in the trenches, face
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to face sleeves rolled up, sharing tears with clients
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and remembering their names
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and their faces and their stories.
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And here’s what I know for sure.
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The women who take what I’m saying to heart, they win.
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By the way, here is something else
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that not many other people can say.
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I’ve been with my husband for 26 years, so I do know
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what it takes to make a relationship work.
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So please trust me when I say that asking,
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where are all the good quality men?
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Where do they hang out?
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I don’t even know where to meet good men.
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All of that is just misdirected time, energy, and focus.
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It is the wrong question. So listen to me right now.
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It is not about finding him my loves.
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It is about being her. So what do I mean by that?
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I mean, there is a very specific version of you
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that you need to be in order
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to be successful in your love life.
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She who is the version of you who is healed and healthy
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and whole and happy, all on her own, she loves
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and accepts herself unconditionally.
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She doesn’t doubt herself or question herself,
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but instead trusts herself completely in every way,
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to always be herself no matter what to do, what is best
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for her, even when it’s hard or scary.
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And she knows that she will always be okay no matter what.
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This is the version of you who knows without a doubt
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that she is worthy and capable of giving
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and receiving healthy love
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and will never, ever settle for less.
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That is what I mean when I say it is not about finding him,
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it’s about being her, being that version of you.
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Because I promise you, even if Mr.
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Wonderful came knocking on your door right now,
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you’re probably not ready for him.
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You might think that you are because you want it,
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but if your past is any indication of your present,
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you are likely to just continue your
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cycles and your patterns.
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So let’s get into the three steps to fully
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stepping into being her.
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Step number one is the edgiest thing that I’m going
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to say to you today.
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So put your seatbelt on.
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You need to accept
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that you are the problem in your love life.
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All the struggles and patterns
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and cycles that you’ve been in.
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Yes, it is you and I know it is the bitter pill to swallow,
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but it is also the magic pill
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because if you’re the problem,
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then you are also the solution.
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And that is the most liberating
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and empowering thing I can tell you
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because if the reason that you’re experiencing all
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of this disappointment and letdown is external,
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if it’s all about the men and the apps and your small town
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and your age and your past,
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there’s really absolutely just nothing you can do about it.
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You are screwed forever.
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But on the other hand, if you are willing
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to look in the mirror and to see
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how you are the common denominator, that is the quickest.
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Really, it’s the only way to get to the root
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and breakthrough to love
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because you just simply need to see
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where you’ve been going wrong all this time
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and make some adjustments.
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I always wanna be the reason
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that something isn’t working in my life
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because then I have complete control.
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I can see what I need to do differently,
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and then I really just make the essential shifts
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and I end up getting what I want.
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So while I know it’s really hard to hear this,
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it’s also the best thing that I can tell you.
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And if you don’t believe me, listen, the old way
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of doing all of this is being a business badass,
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but accepting crumbs, friends
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with benefits when you really want a commitment
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and sitting in his waiting room while he decides if you’re
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the one for him, it’s lowering your standards, compromising
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or negotiating with yourself
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and settling for less than you desire in a partner
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or in a relationship.
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It’s wasting time staying too long with the wrong men
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and in the wrong relationships thinking maybe this is
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as good as it gets and just trying to make it work.
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And maybe even some
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of you are allowing yourselves to be treated poorly.
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It’s also going through all the motions of the dating
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and the meetups and the coffee dates,
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but you’re subconsciously thinking a lot of these things,
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all the good men are taken.
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There are no good men in my town.
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Only married men are attracted to me.
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All men cheat or men only want sex. I can’t trust men.
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It’s only a matter of time before it ends
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and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
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It’s thinking that men are intimidated
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by my strength and my success.
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So be honest, how many of these thoughts have you ever had?
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Or similar? You can’t want a truly equal partner
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and think that men are intimidated by your strength
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and success, and you can’t want a lasting,
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loving relationship and meanwhile be waiting
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for the other shoe to drop.
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It just doesn’t work like that.
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So once you take this big, powerful, brave step
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to swallow the bitter pill, which is also the magic pill,
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you are in complete control.
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You know that it’s 100% up
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to you whether you have amazing love in your life or not.
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To do this, you have to be willing to be honest
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with yourself and take radical responsibility for yourself.
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This puts you at the wheel, okay?
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And that just means no more blaming men, the apps, your ex,
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your past, your parents or your small town
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or the big city that you live in.
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And it also means no more hoping, praying, wishing,
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dreaming, and waiting for something
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to just magically change in your love life.
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And it means no more denying, avoiding pretending, lying
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to yourself that this isn’t important
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to you while you focus on work or everything else, but love
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and saying you’re fine when you’re not.
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Because while you are sitting on the bench curled up in
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you’re a comfy, cozy cocoon where you can’t get hurt
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or be disappointed again, life is passing you by.
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So here’s the big picture
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and what I want you to understand, the kind of man
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that you want to be
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with has done his own looking in the mirror too.
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He knows that he is the problem in his life.
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And so together you’ll be able to create a relationship
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where you can both take responsibility
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for yourselves instead of always pointing the finger
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or blame at each other when things aren’t working
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or their things aren’t going so well.
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You see what I’m getting at here?
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When you stop looking externally for the problem
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and when you stop justifying your avoidance of love
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with excuses, you are going to open up the floodgates
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and so many quality available.
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Masculine men are going to walk through that door
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and give you what you want.
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They will treat you the way you want to be treated.
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It’s like magic except it actually works. And it’s real.
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Step number two, transforming your
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relationship with yourself.
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All the focus is always on finding the one.
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And of course that is the end goal. But here’s the deal.
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You first have to become the one.
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Our relationships are a mirror reflecting back
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to us the truth of who we are in every moment.
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So all the experiences that you’ve been having
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with men in relationships reveal
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what is happening internally with you.
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So let’s talk about what’s really going on on the outside.
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You look the part, you have it all together, the career,
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the house, the success, the lifestyle.
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You take really good care of yourself
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and maybe you look 10 years younger than you are.
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I hear that every single day from women.
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And you do all the things, the spa days, massages, facials,
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hair, nails, girls trips, and nice clothes.
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So you think that you have good self care
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and take good care of yourself.
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And then you point to all of your professional success
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and your fabulous life
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and think about yourself as a confident and powerful woman.
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Intellectually, you know you are a great catch
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and you deserve love and anyone would be lucky to have you.
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But here’s the thing, your track record
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with men does not reflect that of a woman at your level,
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nor does it reflect that of a woman who truly,
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genuinely knows her worth and her value does it.
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That’s because what is going on in your inner world is a
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very different story than what you show the world.
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I am so willing to bet that you are hard on yourself.
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You have a mean inner critic,
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you doubt yourself, question yourself.
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Second guess yourself.
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You don’t trust yourself, which causes all kinds of anxiety,
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overthinking, overanalyzing, and overwhelm.
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Your self-talk sucks.
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Deep down you are constantly proving you are worthy
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and enough chasing, earning
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or performing for external validation and acceptance.
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Such is the way of high achieving women.
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This is a little known fact, but it is a fact.
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Nonetheless, high achieving women often struggle
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with low self-worth and low self-esteem.
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And I want you to understand this.
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All of this comes from our conditioning
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and our programming from our very earliest days.
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As little girls, we were taught to think this way, taught
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to talk to ourselves this way, taught to be this way.
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But this is not how we talk to
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or treat someone that we love, is it?
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And here’s where it all started.
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When you were ignored, emotionally neglected
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or loved conditionally, meaning only when you achieved
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or acted in a specific way, you learned
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that there is a certain way to be in this world.
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And if you’re not that, then you are not lovable.
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And when you were left to fend for yourself
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and maybe even take care of others, you learned
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that everyone else matters but you don’t
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and that your needs aren’t important
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and maybe you don’t even get to have needs.
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And you learned that no one will ever be there for you
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to take care of you and help you.
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And if you want something in this world,
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it is up to you to make it happen.
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So you became super self-sufficient and independent
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and the woman who handles everything, all
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of this works at work, which is why you’re successful,
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even if that has come at a cost,
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but it absolutely does not work in love.
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In fact, it makes it nearly impossible to receive the love
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that you are longing for and working so hard to find.
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The sad truth is
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that you’ve probably never really received unconditional
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love, not even when you were a little girl.
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So it’s quite possible you don’t even know how
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to let this kind of love in.
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And here’s what’s so confusing.
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You want it so badly and you’re starved for it.
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And at the same time,
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it scares you way more than you realize.
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And that’s because intimacy is scary.
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Even for powerful women who are fearless at work,
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being vulnerable and letting him in means he might see all
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of you, which means he may discover that you’re not perfect
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or see all the bits of you that that you deem unlovable,
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that you have yet to accept in yourself,
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and then that puts you in a position to be abandoned, hurt,
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rejected, or disappointed again.
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So here’s what’s really happening.
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Your subconscious self-protective behavior kicks in.
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It’s designed to keep you safe from your
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worst fears being realized.
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I call this protection prevents connection.
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It’s a trademarked piece of content right out
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of the Ready for love program.
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And here’s the painful irony.
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Because of this, you end up creating the very rejection
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that you are so desperately trying to avoid
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because these behaviors are blocking the intimacy
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and the connection that you want.
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When you are deep in protection mode,
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you can’t be in a state to connect at all.
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You can’t create connection,
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but it looks like he’s the problem.
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So here’s what becomes possible when you do this work.
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You create a rock solid, unconditional,
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and unshakeable relationship with yourself.
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You make peace with your past and heal all those old hurts
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and wounds and traumas,
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and you reprogram your brain to think in a new way
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and create new mindsets for yourself.
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And this allows you to love yourself unconditionally,
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accept yourself even on your bad days,
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and forgive yourself
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for all your flaws, faults and mistakes.
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And then you know you are worthy and deserving
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and trust yourself to always get your own back.
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Imagine what that would feel like.
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Would that feel like relief or peace? Or freedom?
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And when you do all of this, what happens is you become
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that one, you become the one in your life.
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You are the love of your own life, the one who is beaming
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with self-generated joy and certainty and magnetism.
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You will feel it internally
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and then it just radiates out of you.
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You take that energy with you everywhere you go, everything
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that you are doing has this high vibe quality behind it.
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It’s who you are being when you are doing all
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the things that you are doing.
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And the last piece to step fully into being her is
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to get good at dating and relationships.
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So let’s face it, you are good at
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almost everything else you do.
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People come to you to help solve their problems.
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You run circles around everyone.
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You are a highly capable, competent woman.
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It’s just who you are. You probably get more done in the
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morning before nine o’clock
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before some people do all day, right?
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So can we just maybe agree or at least consider that love
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and relationships may not be your zone of genius?
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Maybe this is just one area
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that doesn’t come naturally to you.
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Maybe you didn’t learn how
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to have a healthy relationship from
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what was modeled for you at home.
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You probably learned like most of us,
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what you don’t want from your parents.
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I sure did. And you didn’t learn this anywhere along the way
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in school or church or synagogue or temple or therapy
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or anywhere else because we’re not taught these things
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and you’ve probably not experienced yourself being
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successful in this area of your life yet.
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So it makes perfect sense why this is so hard for you.
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We know we can do something when we’ve seen ourselves do it
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and do it well again and again.
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But maybe you just haven’t seen yourself do this well yet.
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So it can be hard to trust it and to be certain
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and confident in yourself in this area.
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But here’s the thing, believing that love
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and relationships should come easy or naturally,
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and that if it doesn’t come naturally to us,
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then there’s something wrong with us
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or we’re inadequate for love.
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And that is just total bs.
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There’s a difference between wanting love
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and having the skills to make it happen.
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And there just comes a time when we have to acknowledge
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that we need to learn a new way of doing things
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or acquire a new skillset.
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So here’s what it looks like when you know
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what you’re doing, what becomes possible when
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you develop these skills.
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First, you trust your picker completely
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because you have 100% clarity on
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what you need and want in a partner.
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So you trust yourself to never, ever settle, bargain
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or negotiate with yourself ever again,
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nor will you push away a great guy for the wrong reasons.
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That’s a big one. Next,
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you can navigate the early tender stages of dating,
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like the texting and the flirting and the messaging
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and the pacing, and to do it with ease and grace.
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You know the rules so that you know what to do
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and not to do even when you get really excited
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because he checks so many of the boxes
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or the chemistry is hot and you don’t get attached
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before a man has actually earned that place in your life,
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you spot red flags early and walk away
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because you value yourself enough to know that your time
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and your energy are precious.
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And if it’s not a fit, it’s just not a fit.
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And finally, you learn how to be healthy in a relationship
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so you can make it last for the long term.
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It’s understanding a whole new dynamic
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where you are fully expressed and you know how to receive
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and hold space for yourself in a relationship.
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No more self betrayal or self abandoning
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or losing yourself in a relationship ever again.
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This is being her dating as a high vibe, high value woman,
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just easy, breezy, comfortable in your own skin, fearless
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and vulnerable all at the same time.
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Knowing that you are worth is inside of you
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and not contingent upon him picking you.
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It’s knowing what you want and refusing to settle for less.
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So do you have a vision of what that version
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of you looks like and feels like?
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What’s it like to be her? How does that change your life?
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Not just your love life,
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but being her all the time, wherever you go, no matter
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what you’re doing or who you are with, when you can be her?
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It doesn’t just change your life.
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When women start showing up like this,
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it really does change everything.
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So the bottom line today, the good men are out there,
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but it is not about finding him
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or using manipulation strategies
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or tactics to get him those high vibe,
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high quality men are not looking for that old version of you
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that fixes broken men or shrinks herself
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or hides behind all of her layers of protection
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and doesn’t know how to receive love.
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Those men are drawn to
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and are looking for her, that new version of you
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and becoming her.
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That is the work that must be your focus.
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And when you do and you become her, you win no matter what.
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Whether you ever meet an amazing man
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and have that love in your life, you win no matter what
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because the true gift
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and the true prize is you get this to be this version
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of yourself in light.
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And I do just wanna say, ready
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for Love is the most comprehensive life
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and relationship skills program available anywhere,
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and we are the longest running
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and most legit, we have more success stories than any
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other program can offer.
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If you want to watch or listen to some
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of our graduates sharing their experiences,
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I will put those episode numbers in the show notes
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and in the description below.
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And if you’re ready to have our help with how to do all
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of this and how to actually make it happen, go to ready
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for love inc.com/apply.
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Thanks for listening and I’ll see you next time.
