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How do you take it when someone gives you honest feedback? A friend putting the mirror up to your face and telling you something hard to hear? A boss or colleague offering critique? A therapist or coach challenging you on your choices? Do you tighten up and squirm? Do you take it in and consider it? Do you resist it? Get defensive? Be honest. What is your initial knee-jerk reaction to feedback? And I know it depends who is giving it and how they give it and whether or not you asked for it. But put all that aside for a minute and just reflect. Today, I am sharing one of the most underestimated traits that is the secret to becoming the best version of yourself possible.Hi, it’s Hilary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast.
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Hi, friends. Welcome back. And if you’re new here, I’m Hilary Silver, former psychotherapist turned master coach and founder of Ready for Love. I help midlife women look, feel, and be their very best, live life on their own terms. and get everything they want. If that sounds good, the best way to support the show is to follow the podcast and subscribe over on YouTube. So here’s what I’ve noticed. 25 years as a therapist and over a decade now of coaching thousands of women into the next version of themselves. The most successful people among us. The ones who get exactly what they want in love, in business, and life.They operate in a very specific way that sets them apart, how they think about themselves, how they manage their emotions and engage with the world.
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It’s a way of being that is just super high vibe that they can’t help but achieve greatness. And there is one particular thing these winners do that is so underrated because nobody’s really talking about it. It is not confidence, it is not work ethic and hustle, it’s not even mindset or a morning routine.And I’m sorry, but I’m not going to name it just yet because I don’t want you to hear it and then think that you know what I’m going to say and click out of this episode because you don’t know what I’m going to say and you need to hear this so you can truly, truly get it. So just trust me. I’m very proud to say that I operate this way, and I’m sharing three specific moments from my own life in the last 10 years and how it’s actually changed the entire trajectory of my life.
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The last one is tied directly to how I built Ready for Love into an eight-figure company, and it might surprise you.Before I tell you what this trait is, I want to talk about the opposite of it, because I promise you know someone who has this problem. Maybe it’s even you sometimes. So it’s getting defensive the second someone points something out. Do you have a whole speech ready for why it’s not your fault? Why you or your situation is so unique and different? We call that the special snowflake syndrome. Why the person giving you the feedback just doesn’t get it? Do you shut down or put up a wall the moment somebody suggests you might do something differently? Most people think that kind of reaction is just who they are, a personality thing.
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I’ve always been sensitive to criticism or I’ve always needed to figure things out my own way. Well, here’s the problem with believing that. If it’s just who you are, you are stuck with it forever. No future version of you gets to be any different. But that reaction isn’t who you are. It’s just old programming. It’s the little girl who got the answer wrong in front of the whole class and felt every single eye turn towards her and wanted to disappear. It’s the kid who got shamed for the mistake instead of being guided through it. You should have known better. You should already get this, right? Those early experiences.Somewhere along the way, a lot of us learned that not knowing or getting something wrong meant we’d be judged or rejected.
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or not liked, or not good enough. So we built an entire home defense system around never getting caught not knowing ever again. That armor, that defense mechanism has a name, and it’s called the ego. We all know the ego. An ego isn’t a character flaw. That’s the thing. We treat it like it is, but it’s doing exactly the job that it was built for, which is protecting a child who genuinely needed protecting a long time ago. Here’s what matters though. Anything that got wired way back when can get rewired. Neurons that fire together, wire together, and that goes bothsame brain that learned to armor up at seven years old can learn something new at 47, 57, or even 67. This way of being that I’m about to share with you is a perspective shift.
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I want to give you a light bulb moment, and then I’m offering you a skill. I’m going to show you how to do it. It’s called being coachable. And here are the steps to embrace your own coachability. So first, you need to let go of needing to already have the answer. I learned this one by accident years ago, back when I was still sitting in the therapist’s chair.I used to feel like just because I was the one in that chair, I… my clients an answer for every single thing they brought me. Like that seat came with an obligation to be all knowing. And let me tell you, that is so much pressure. Nobody can carry that. Nobody on this earth has the answer to everything, no matter what letters come after their name.
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So one day I just decided to accept that I don’t have to know everything. I remember the moment I said it out loud to myself. I don’t have to know everything. And it was such a relief.And it may sound obvious or super simple, but when you have a… belief that people are counting on you, or you have to be perfect to be loved, or you can’t let people down, those types of beliefs, it is not that simple until it is. You do not have to be the person with all the answers to be excellent at what you do. And here’s the thing we all know, but kind of forget when it’s us being this way. Nobody likes a know-it-all. Nobody. Nobody likes a know-it-all.
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Think about the most insufferable person you’ve ever worked with. It’s the one who can never say, I don’t know. The one who always has to be right in every single meeting.That is not… expertise, everybody. That is insecurity dressed up in a really nice outfit. Acknowledging that you don’t know and even letting yourself be a learner, or even this one, how about asking for help? Especially if you’re in a position of power or leadership in any way, it can feel super uncomfortable, but it is the most freeing thing ever. what a gift you can give yourself to just say, I don’t have to know everything. Admitting when I didn’t know is what catapulted me further than pretending I did ever could have.
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Every time I’ve grown in any area of my life, it started with dropping the performance of having it all figured out and being willing to put myself in a position to learn, to receive and be guided or coached. So the first thing is to admit that you don’t have to know it all or to acknowledge you don’t have to have all the answers. Second, you let being coached raise your status, not lower it. A while back, I was working with my own personal coach, and we got into a conversation about how we work together. And I asked her point blank, am I being too difficult? Am I being too resistant?And she looked at me and said, Hillary, coaching you is like coaching me. coaching an Olympic athlete.
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That might be the very best compliment I have ever received in my life because what she was telling me is that being open, looking for the growth edge, embracing what needs to be learned, taking an adjustment and actually using it, that’s not a weakness. That’s elite. That is what the highest performers do every single time. Think about Serena Williams, the best of the best ever, and she still has a coach. She’s looking for the 1% edge that will help her be the champion.And if her coach ever stopped giving her real feedback, stopped telling her the truth about her serve or her footwork or whatever needed adjusting, Serena would just fire her on the spot, no hesitation. That’s what I’m talking about. So allowing being coached to elevate your status.
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That’s the reframe that you want to take with you today. Being coachable is not the thing that you do until you’re finally good enough to not need it anymore. It’s what the people at the very top do more of, not less. The higher you go, the more coachable you should be, not the other way around. So success doesn’t graduate you out of needing feedback. It just raises the stakes on getting it.So for example, many of our Ready for Love clients graduate our program and love it so much that they want to come and work for us and be a part of our mission. And one of my favorite… success stories is Adriel. When she first signed up for the program, she said she was embarrassed to tell people that she made such an investment in herself and that she was working on herself in this way.
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And by the time she was done in the program, she was proud of making that move for herself. And it became something to brag about in a good way, of course.And then because she embraced the status upgrade that the coaching provided her, she then began signing up for other kinds of leadership coaching experiences. And now she is on the leadership team at Ready for Love. So thinking about investing in coaching and being coachable as raising your status because it does. So that’s two. We have two more to go. I’ve learned that taking care of yourself isn’t about doing one thing well. It’s about raising your standards everywhere that matters. We think about what we eat, how we move our bodies, and what products we use, but we rarely think about the air we’re breathing for hours every single day.
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For me, paying attention to the air in my home became part of that standard.That’s what led me to Air Doctor, and it’s the only air purifier I use in my home. It gives me peace of mind knowing we’re breathing cleaner air. I’ve noticed fewer odors, less congestion, and our home just feels cleaner, safer, and healthier. Air Doctor’s powerful three-stage filtration captures particles about 100 times smaller than what typical air purifiers can remove. It captures airborne contaminants you don’t want to be breathing in, like dust, pollen, mold spores, pet dander, wildfire smoke, bacteria, viruses, odors, ozone, and VOCs. It runs whisper quiet, keeps the air optimized 24-7 with auto mode. and reminds you when it’s time to change the filter. It’s no surprise Air Doctor won Newsweek’s Reader’s Choice Award for Best Air Purifier.
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Head to airdoctorpro.com and use promo code READY and get up to $300 off any of their select Air Doctor models. Plus, you will get a three-year warranty absolutely free. All Air Doctor purifiers come with a 30-day money-back guarantee. Get this exclusive podcast-only offer now at airdoctorpro.com, A-I-R-D-O-C-T-O-R-P-R-O.com using promo code READY. That’s promo code R-E-A-D-Y. So number three, you actually apply the feedback on repeat. So you apply what you’re told, not just once or not when it’s convenient. or when you just happen to think about it, but intentionally you apply it over and over and over again. So here’s my second example.
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I just hit my one-year pickleball anniversary, and I know that sounds silly or small or stupid, but it has genuinely become a big deal in my life. This last year has been life-changing. To have something that I loved so much, and it has really just expanded me in so many ways. It’s given me a new community. I’ve met so many great people, and some of them have become new friends. I get to enjoy a new physical activity that my body has never done before. I play four or five days a week, about 12 hours on average, and I look forward. to it. It made the year just fly by with so much fun.I think about it, and I even dream about it.
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And if you pickle, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. And if not, maybe you have something that you feel similarly about. The point is, I love playing so much, I just wanted to get good at it. So I first started with group classes, which were fun, but then I got more serious. about getting better and I hired a coach. Coach Karen, she’s the very best. And the thing that she tells me over and over is how coachable I am. She’ll give me a strategy or an adjustment to my form, some tiny technical fix. And I don’t just nod along and go back to my old way of doing things.I actually apply it. And then I apply it again and again until it’s not even a correction anymore.
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It’s now just integrated and it’s how I play. She comes to me with suggestions for things that I should be working on. And I don’t take that as an insult. I eagerly lean in and I come to her with problems that I want to solve or things that I want to learn, seeking growth and not being an obstacle to it.And going back to the very first thing that I mentioned, it is super vulnerable to be in a position where you don’t know what you’re doing, where you make mistakes and even look silly or stupid sometimes, and to just embrace that and to allow someone to be a part of your growing experience. That is such a gift for both of you.
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As a mentor and coach for women, I feel so blessed and privileged and grateful to be part of that growth journey for my clients. So yes, the coaching is worth it in every way because while you’re being coached on whatever that thing is that you want, whether it’s pickleball, business coaching, or personal growth and love like we do. ready for love.There is what you are learning and there is the process of learning it. Observing yourself as a learner provides self-awareness like a never before. In one year, I went from a newbie who didn’t even know the rules to a very strong high intermediate player who feels super confident I often end up playing in the advanced open play with all men and I can hold my own.
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I was able to do this by allowing myself to be a learner and I witnessed myself as a learner. This meta learning, this meta awareness, which is being aware of what you are aware of. That is the power of being coachable, because not all people who coached are coachable.There is a big difference between hearing feedback and being coachable. Hearing it is passive. Being coachable is what you do with it, applying it over and over again until it is fully integrated, both the skills and the things that you’re getting coached on and the awareness that you gain by being coached. And the fourth thing. this is the one I want you to really sit with. You go all in, no cherry picking, which means you’re not yeah butting. Yeah, but.
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So I’ll be honest with you. I did not always have this one. On my way up building this business, I hired coach after coach. I did program after program.I sat in the room and I nodded and I took notes and then I went and found a reason that I didn’t need certain pieces of the feedback that landed on me. So meaning I found reasons or excuses why this didn’t apply to my situation and why that strategy wouldn’t work for my business specifically. Why the timing was off or my clients were different or my team wasn’t ready. And you know what that got me? stuck. It got me stuck for a long, long time, paying for coaching that I was refusing to actually use. So here’s what I want you to notice about the yeah buts.
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It is always looking for how something doesn’t work for you.Coachable women flip that completely and they go looking for how it does. me say that again. Not being coachable is looking for how it doesn’t apply. Being coachable is looking for how it does apply. It’s the same piece of feedback, same instruction. One woman will spend her energy proving why it can’t possibly apply to her, and the other spends that exact same energy figuring out how it can. So if something doesn’t feel quite right, you don’t take your ball and go home. You ask, what doesn’t feel right about this? And what does feel right instead? It’s what am I learning from this experience? What growth edge am I bumping up against right now?
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What is this next developmental stage of myself that is being presented to me right now. When I finally landed on the right coach for this business, I did something I hadn’t done before. I went all in and I did exactly what I was told to do. And that is exactly why I broke through finally and hit the big success that I had been working so hard for, for four years. No cherry picking the parts I liked and… skipping the rest. So yes, Ready for Love is now in its ninth year as of recording this, and it’s an eight-figure company today. But the personal growth that I got during the business coaching was the biggest surprise and delight for me of all.That is what being coachable is all about. Now.
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I want to make this real for you because coachability doesn’t just live on a pickleball court or in a business that I built from scratch. It shows up in every single area of your life where someone is offering you the chance to grow. It’s at work when your manager or a colleague gives you feedback. And the first thing that shows up is that hot, prickly feeling of I’m not good enough, or now they think I’m a fraud or something like that. It’s that moment. Your body wants to defend, explain, and justify. Coachable women, take a breath, take the information, and leave the imposter story behind. It’s not a verdict on your worth.It is just data. And data doesn’t get to decide who you are. are.
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And you still get to decide what, if anything, you’re going to do with that feedback. That’s up to you. You’re in control of that. But being willing to hear it and consider it is the goal. In your own personal growth work, being coachable is actually a requirement for us when inviting a woman into Ready for Love, for example. We tell our clients the truth, not what feels good, but what’s true. Friends and family, sometimes even your therapist will just validate you all day long and tell you it’s your ex or the apps, or it’s just how men are these days.And some of that might have a piece of truth in it, but you also had a hand in creating your life every single time. So the back their part to them, they transform fast.
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The ones who can’t hear it are not a fit for us because we can only help a woman who wants to be helped. And if you’re in business, if you’re building anything or growing a team, trying to get out of your own way, I want to share this with you. I hire people constantly who know things that I don’t. I am coachable with my own staff and my own team. I want people around me who speak up and challenge my thinking.That doesn’t mean that every idea gets implemented, but we experiment and we try things because a room full of yes women who will nod along and tell me exactly what I want to hear is never going to get me to the next level.
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best leaders that I know are the most coachable people in the room, not the least. So here’s what I want to leave you with. Investing in a coach, a real one, someone who will actually tell you the truth, and then being coachable enough to let her change you in the best possible way is one of the greatest acts of self-devotion there. is. It is not money spent.It is money you are putting directly back into your own pocket and it will pay you back in dividends the rest of your life in so many ways, not just financially, but in your growth and who you get to become. Every time that you grow yourself, you get to keep her, this new version of you. You are her forever and nobody can take that back from you.
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So quick recap. Being coachable means you let go of needing to already have the answer. You let being coach raise your status, not lower it. You actually apply what you’re told again and again on repeat, and then you go all in. making excuses or finding reasons it doesn’t work for you. No yeah buts.Coachability is the trait that every winner has in common. And now it is yours too, the moment you decide that you want it. So to find out more about Ready for Love, go to readyforloveinc.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, please share it with someone who needs to hear it. follow the show, subscribe on YouTube, and drop a comment telling me one place in your life you’re going to practice being coachable this week. Thanks for listening, and I’ll see you next time.
