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Have you ever noticed in your relationships
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that you’re not just the girlfriend or the wife,
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but you’re also the therapist, the business coach,
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the personal assistant, the social planner, the cheerleader,
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and the organizer of all things?
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If you’re nodding your head right now, you are not alone.
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There’s actually a new name for this.
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The New York Times recently ran a piece about
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what they called man keeping the invisible labor
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and role that women take on to keep their relationships
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and honestly their men afloat.
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It’s everything from planning the date nights
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to remembering the birthdays, to being the one
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who is a safe space.
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For him to vent and cry to carrying the mental, emotional,
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social, and even physical load of his life on top
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of your own is exhausting.
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And quite frankly, it’s a turnoff
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and it’s why so many women are opting out
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of relationships right now.
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But rather than just complain about it
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and feed into all the drama
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and hysteria, we need to be asking a very simple
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but important question, how do we fix this issue?
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And so that is what we are going to be talking about today.
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Let’s be honest, when you’re scheduling his doctor’s
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appointments, making sure that he gets his work done,
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managing his moods and holding all the calendar things
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together, you don’t feel like his equal.
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You feel like his mom an ew.
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That is not sexy for either of you.
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Nothing kills attraction faster than mothering a man.
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This dynamic and so-called man keeping doesn’t
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just drain your energy.
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It changes the entire vibe of the relationship.
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You can’t feel adored, cherished,
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or desired when you’re basically parenting him
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and he can’t show up as your partner or your lover.
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With this masculine
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and feminine energy dynamic all distorted between you,
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the passion dies and suddenly you’re not.
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Two equals building a life together,
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you are running a daycare and the relationship becomes
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filled with resentment, power, struggle,
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and is void of the intimacy
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and connection from two whole
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individuals choosing to share their lives.
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It might seem like you just have two choices behind door.
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Number one, suffer these burdensome unfulfilling
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relationships behind dorm number two, f**k it,
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just stay single because who wants all of that?
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But the truth is there is a door number three, one
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where you single handedly get to break these patterns.
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And it’s not by changing all the deeply entrenched
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generational social and emotional problems of men,
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because of course that’s impossible.
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You do this by changing yourself.
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It’s really tempting to just pile it on and blame men.
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That’s honestly what most people are doing, saying
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that men are just big kids and they never grow up
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and complaining that they always lean on us for everything
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and what would they do without us?
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But the bitter pill, the hard truth is this is happening
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because not only are you allowing it,
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but you are potentially even inviting it, encouraging it.
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You swoop in and act like Mighty Mouse.
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Here I come to save the day.
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All the talk right now is on how men are falling
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behind and struggling.
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And it’s hard to pity
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or have empathy for men when this entire system
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and infrastructure of our world has been built by men
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for their own advantage.
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But if they fall, we all go down with them.
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And despite all the frustration,
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we are wired for connection.
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We are relational beings
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and most of us do want a partner to share our lives with.
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So the only solution is to stop complaining and blaming
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and just f*****g fix it.
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The only way that we can, which is to take responsibility
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for how we women are showing up.
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Yes, the men need to do their own work.
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And it starts with the early conditioning of boys
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around emotional intelligence and self-esteem
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and healthy masculinity
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and a whole new paradigm of partnership
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that most midlife men were not exposed
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to when they were young.
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But yes, same is true for us.
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We were conditioned to be the glue, to be the wonder woman,
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to do all the things for all people and put ourselves last,
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and that we are somehow noble for being selfless
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and that our worth comes from helping people
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and being of service and it’s feminine to be a caretaker
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and all that other b******t.
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So in essence, the real truth is that we are doing this
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to ourselves because even if the men in our lives are
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leaning on us too much, we sign up.
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We are the load bearing pillar that they lean on.
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We too quickly step in
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and fill the gap rather than just leaving the vacant space
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so he can fill it himself.
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When you pick up all the slack instead
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of holding a boundary when you keep rescuing him
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because it feels easier than watching him struggle
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or wondering if something will get done at all.
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And when it feels good to be needed and when your worth
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and value comes from giving and helping
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and rescuing, you sign up for this
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and are complicit in creating this dynamic.
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You are getting something out of it and then you resent him.
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And so here’s the thing, you are robbing him
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of the opportunity to do it himself and to do it for you.
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And over time he just becomes the fat cat having everything
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handed to him on a platter.
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You give him a great life
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and he doesn’t really do anything to contribute.
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But the real kicker here is it may seem great
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to men at first to have all of this handed to him,
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but over time it erodes his own self-worth even more
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because we all need to contribute.
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You are filling in this space that he needs to be taking up.
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You are taking away the opportunity for him to step in
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and step up and then it becomes about your win.
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Or if things don’t go well, you take responsibility
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for the fall, but you also then get to control things
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and have things done your way and on your own timeline.
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So there’s something in it for you being this way.
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You are the hero rescuing him.
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But that’s when man keeping becomes in reality,
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woman allowing.
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So how do you stop it? Here’s the magic pill.
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The moment that you stop over-functioning, the dynamic
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changes the moment that you let him carry his own weight,
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the energy shifts.
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He has to be his own hero first
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and then he can actually be become your hero
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rather than the other way around as it has been.
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When you set clear boundaries and say what you will
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and will not do, you reclaim your power.
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This isn’t about being cold
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or withholding love, it’s about showing up
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as your full self,
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not the water down overworked version of you.
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To be honest, it’s the martyr version inside of all of us.
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You cannot be the rescuer,
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the over-functioning version of you.
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And yes, maybe he will resist at first.
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He may be uncomfortable and he may not like this at all,
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but a man who truly values himself
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and you will rise to meet the occasion.
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And if he doesn’t, he’s telling you everything that you need
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to know about whether he’s even capable of partnership.
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So what does this look like in practice?
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It looks like saying, I’d love
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for you to plan our next date.
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I want to feel taken care of too.
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Or if he asks, where should we go?
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You could just say, I really trust you
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to pick something wonderful for us.
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You know what I like and you know
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what we like, so go for it.
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It looks like letting him sit with his stress instead
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of stepping in as his unpaid therapist.
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It looks like allowing him to experience the discomfort
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of having to figure things out without you rushing
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in to save the day.
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And it looks like you finally having the energy, the clarity
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and the joy to be in a relationship where your partners
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not all those other roles, you get to lean back
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and receive what he’s offering you
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and what he is giving to you.
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And that’s because there is space for him to do it.
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So here’s an example, a real tangible,
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practical example from my own relationship
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that you may be able to relate to
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early on in our relationship.
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My husband probably then boyfriend would say things like,
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we should do this or we should do that.
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And then I would just take it upon myself to do it.
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I’m a make it happen kind of person anyway. I’m a doer.
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But after a while it occurred to me
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that we should meant you should as in me, Hillary
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at first I interpreted it as he intended this
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to mean I should do it.
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But the important thing here is this,
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where everyone else gets hung up on these things,
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it really doesn’t matter what he may
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or may not have intended, whether he meant
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that I should do it or not.
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It’s what I heard and
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therefore my actions that followed, I interpreted it the way
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that I did over the years, 25 years of them to be exact.
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I have learned to stop doing this
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and my response now to that we should statement is simply
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great, great idea.
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I love it. Go for it. Let me know if you need help.
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I refuse to take it on myself.
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If it’s something he thinks that should be done,
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he can do it because I have my own long list
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of things I think should be done and I’m already doing them.
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We still have a shared should list that we both do together.
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And when the shoulds are something that we both value,
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it’s a discussion about who will take it on.
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But it is 100% no longer a default assumption
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that it’s my job to do it.
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It’s so simple and powerful at the same time.
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Now, I know that some
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of you are already hearing the objections in your own head,
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but what if he doesn’t ask me out?
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Can I ask him or?
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But what if he doesn’t do that thing that’s
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so important and it affects me?
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Or what if he’s struggling? It doesn’t matter.
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Swooping in to save the day means he
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doesn’t get to save himself.
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He doesn’t get to rise to the occasion and learn and grow.
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He needs to rescue himself
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to accomplish these things himself,
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to experience the consequences
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or the triumphs of his own actions.
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And you stepping in to manage him and be the buffer
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or the safety net not only delays his own growth,
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it completely inhibits it.
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Will there be consequences?
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Yes, maybe it means that you don’t get to go out
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with him if he can’t ask you out,
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but that is good information for you about who he is.
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My personal mantra when I was single was,
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if he doesn’t ask me for my number, he can’t have it.
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And if he doesn’t ask me out on a date, then he doesn’t get
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to go out with me.
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It really helped me stop stepping in.
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Try that because it does work.
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Wouldn’t you rather know the truth about who you’re
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with than to carry or invite a dynamic that drains you?
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Hearing this might mean that some
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of you are getting triggered and you feel well selfish
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or guilty thinking like isn’t love
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about being there for each other?
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Nobody’s perfect. We all need help sometimes.
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And yes, that’s true, but mutually love is about partnership
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and reciprocity, not parenting.
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You can be supportive and loving and nurturing
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and stand with him without carrying him.
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So here’s the takeaway that I want you to leave with today.
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Projects are for landscaping your backyard, ladies,
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not for your love life.
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And you are not a therapy center.
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You are not a personal assistant, you are not a daycare.
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You are a woman who deserves partnership.
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And partnership means both of you showing up fully,
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emotionally, socially, practically
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to create something balanced and alive.
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And it starts with you owning this tendency to step in
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and start leaning back with healthy boundaries for yourself.
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So this week I want you to pick one place
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where you’ve been over-functioning,
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and I promise there probably is at least
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one step stepping in.
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Experiment with leaning back.
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Say no, let something go undone. Let him take it on.
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And then notice what happens.
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Notice the relief in your body.
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Notice the energy
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that comes back when you stop carrying someone else’s load.
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Notice how much more space there is for actual connection,
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for intimacy, for attraction.
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When you’re not over-functioning in the relationship,
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just be his date.
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Just be his lover, his partner.
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Stop taking on all these roles that are not part
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of a healthy romantic relationship.
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This is our part of the problem
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that we can fix whether he does anything or not.
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You can single handedly change this dynamic
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by owning your responsibility, your role,
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and your contribution to it.
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And if you’re listening to this
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and realizing, yep, this is me.
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I’ve been mothering, managing and man keeping for years
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and I don’t know how to stop, that is the work that we do
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inside of Ready for Love.
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We help you break free from all
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of these deeply embedded patterns, reclaim your boundaries,
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and create the kind of love where you are cherished
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as the woman that you are, not
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as the mom he never grew out of needing.
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If you’re ready for that shift, book a call with my team.
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The link is in the show notes,
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or you can go to ready for love inc.com/apply.
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And if this episode resonated with you, please share it
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with a friend who needs to hear it.
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Leave a review and hit subscribe
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so you never miss what’s coming next.
