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I know because you’re listening to me that you are smart
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and more than capable in so many areas of your life.
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And if at the same time your love life is disappointing,
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unfulfilling or non-existent,
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today’s episode will help you see where you are stuck.
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Whether you’re in a relationship
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or looking for love, I’m walking you through an exercise
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that will help you get clear at what stage
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of relationships you’re having the most trouble so
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that you can see clearly what’s been holding you back,
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and to know exactly what to do to finally create the loving,
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fulfilling relationship you desire.
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And make sure to stay till the very end
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because I’m giving you the ultimate solution for all women
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to get exactly what they want in their loving relationships.
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Okay, so this exercise I’m about to walk you
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through is a very oversimplified breakdown of three stages
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of relationships, just to make it easy for us to see
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what is the hardest part for you,
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where your obvious obstacles are
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and where your blind spots are too.
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This is about awareness and is not to make you feel bad
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or to create a problem where there isn’t one.
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It’s just simply a way to consider all the many things
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that are going on and happening as you are in the process
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of getting into the kind of loving, supportive relationship
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that you want with the kind of partner that you want.
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Yes, there are lots of other things to consider
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besides what we’re gonna go over today,
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but this is gonna help so much
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in seeing the obvious troubles
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and obstacles as well as revealing the blind spots,
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as I said, because blind spots are very dangerous.
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This is when you are thinking
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that you’re good at something when you’re actually not,
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and that means that you’re just going to keep doing it,
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but it’s not really having the effect that you’re hoping
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that it will, and it could even be causing trouble.
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And that’s when women really get in their own way
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and don’t even realize
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that they are actually their own biggest obstacle.
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And by the way, that is one of the biggest benefits
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of having a coach for any area of your life, someone
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who actually cares enough about you,
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that they will point out the things
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that either no one else can see
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or who are just not willing to tell you.
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Feeling better is temporary, but being better
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and doing better is actually what creates
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real permanent change.
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So as we go through these, just really reflect on
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what I’m saying and be honest with yourself.
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Maybe you’re just having trouble in one of these stages,
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and maybe it’s a little bit of all three.
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So here we go. The first stage is the picking.
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How confident are you that you can trust your picker?
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Do you have crystal clear criteria for your ideal man
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that is, do you know your requirements, your must haves
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and your deal breakers?
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And this is more than just a list on paper.
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It’s actually recognizing it in real life when he’s standing
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right in front of you.
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Things don’t always look
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and feel like what is written on paper.
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It’s kind of like when the GPS is telling you to turn right,
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but as you’re driving, there is no place to turn right?
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It’s kind of like that. Lists don’t always translate
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to real life presence or behavior.
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And these criteria cannot just be
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that you wanna have the same lifestyle,
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that you like the same things.
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It’s so much more than that.
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It’s values-based criteria that actually really matters.
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Also, part of the picking, do you see the red in the yellow
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flags and walk away, or do you ignore them and minimize them
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and rationalize them?
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Sometimes people see the red flags and they go, I’m in.
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Jump right into the arms of a man who is a walking red flag.
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Do your tell yourself nobody’s perfect.
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Maybe I’m just being too picky. I’ll just give him a chance.
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So you end up giving him the benefit
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of the doubt while you doubt yourself.
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So can you trust your intuition
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and trust your gut that if something seems off
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you actually listen?
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And don’t bypass the warning indicator signs despite
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what he looks like on paper
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or if he checks some of your boxes, but not all of them.
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Do you refuse to settle for less than what you want,
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no matter how much you want a relationship?
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Or do you negotiate with yourself, lower your standards
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and make excuses for why he’s good enough?
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So here are three things that I see all the time.
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First, women who ignore red flags
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because they like the idea
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of the relationship rather than seeing it for what it is,
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or they like the idea of him rather than seeing him
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for all of who he is.
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They want so badly for this to be the one
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because on paper things seem great or there’s chemistry
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or they just don’t wanna start all over again
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and they can finally just not have to date anymore.
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I also see women who settle
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because they’re afraid that they won’t find anyone better
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and think maybe this is just as good as it gets.
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I see women who doubt themselves.
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They think maybe I’m just too critical.
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Maybe I’m being too picky.
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Maybe I should just give him more time.
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Second, I see women push men away too soon.
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They’re scouting out
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and creating red flags where maybe there aren’t any
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because you’re on the lookout, you’ve been there,
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you’ve done that, and you are not doing it again.
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So you’re hypervigilant.
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You think that you can prevent disappointment
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or disaster by scoping out all the potential
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problems early on.
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So the first sign of something, you’re out, you cut and run,
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or finally, you are not even picking at all for two reasons.
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The first you’re letting him do all the picking
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and you’re just passively going along
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with whoever shows interest in you,
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meaning you’re interested in him only
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because of his interest in you.
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Take that in. That means that you end up taking
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what you’re getting rather than getting what you want.
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Or the second reason you’re not picking at all is
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because you’ve just opted out completely.
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You’re taking a break from dating and relationships,
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or you’re just giving up on it all together trying to accept
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that maybe just love is impossible for you
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and that you can have all the other things in life like work
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and friends and and a great lifestyle,
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but the love thing, it’s just not not the
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part of the plan for you.
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And so you convince yourself that you’re just too busy
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or you’re too content on your own.
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You just don’t need a man. That’s a lot.
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I know it’s a lot to consider and it’s a lot to take in,
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and I suggest you actually go back and re-listen
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and re-watch that just so you can absorb it.
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All those are all picker problems.
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And if you can’t trust yourself to choose the right man
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for you, you’re going to keep ending up with the wrong men
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or no men at all.
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So again, I ask, how confident are you
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that you can trust your picker?
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If you’re not a entirely like a hell yeah,
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I can trust myself, then you have some work to do.
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Okay, so the next stage is the early tender stages in those
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first six months or so, sometimes longer,
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but this is when it’s exciting and scary and sexy
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and anxiety provoking all at the same time.
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We all know this feeling, it’s intense and fun
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and titillating, but it can also bring out the
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crazy in all of us.
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So how confident are you in these early stages
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that you can just show up easy, breezy,
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comfortable in your own skin.
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You are completely authentic being your true full self.
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You’re not guarded with a wall up in protection mode.
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You’re not waiting for the other shoe to drop.
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You’re also not pleasing or accommodating and overgiving
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or bending, trying
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to be whatever you think he wants you to be.
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So you’re remaining true to yourself the entire time.
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You’re also not anxious and overthinking every text.
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You’re not performing and contorting yourself
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and sharing only your best parts of yourself.
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And as you are your real relaxed self,
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you can easily navigate the texting and the messaging
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and the flirting and the pacing.
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And as things start to become real,
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you can keep the attention of the really quality men
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that you’re excited about just by being your real self
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and quickly exit when it’s the wrong guy without feeling bad
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about it or second guessing yourself at all.
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Or do you get anxious? Do you start spiraling?
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Do you lose yourself trying to make him like you?
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This is honestly where things go sideways.
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For so many women, it’s easy
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to be confident when you don’t like him, right?
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Who cares? And it’s the men you don’t like
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who end up pursuing you Take this in.
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The men that you don’t like end up pursuing you.
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It’s not so easy when you do like him
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and when you get excited about him
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and you want him to like you, it’s not
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so comfortable when things go beyond the first date
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and things start to get real.
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When you are invested in this working out,
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when you catch feelings
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and you want ’em to like you, when you get this part wrong,
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this is where the pattern happens of only the men
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that you’re not interested in pursue you,
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but the men that you are interested in don’t.
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It’s super frustrating and disheartening,
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and it’s when you get a few weeks in or a few months in
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and it fades, it fizzles or he just outright ghosts.
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So here’s what happens for most women in this stage.
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They start performing.
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They bend themselves into a pretzel trying
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to be the woman they think he wants.
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They bite their tongue, they go with the flow,
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they hide their needs
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because they don’t want to scare him off.
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They overanalyze everything.
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They crowdsource opinions from their friends
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and their therapist and their dad.
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They Google. What does it mean when he trying
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to decode his behavior?
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They get attached too quickly.
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They start imagining a future together after one good date,
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or they go in the opposite direction and they shut down
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and they put up their walls
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and they protect themselves so that he can’t get close.
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And either way, the women are just not being themselves.
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They’re operating from fear, from insecurity,
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from a desperate need to be chosen, and men can feel it.
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So again, that was a lot.
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How confident are you on a scale of one
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to 10 in those early stages?
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There’s a lot going on there.
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If you’re not a hundred percent confident,
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then you definitely have more work to do.
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And finally, the last stage, how confident are you
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that you have what it takes to create an adult healthy,
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mature, loving relationship
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and make it last for the long term?
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You feel both worthy of this kind of love,
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which means you know how to receive it
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and you feel capable of it.
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Having the tools, the skills, the knowledge, the awareness
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to actually do it.
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Do you know how to be vulnerable?
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Do you know how to communicate your needs?
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How to navigate conflict?
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How to fully express yourself, how
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to maintain intimacy and passion over time.
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How to navigate issues around power
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and control, how to trust someone and really let him in.
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Do you know how to stay true
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to yourself while you’re also in a
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partnership with someone else?
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Or are you afraid of messing it up again
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or ending up in another relationship just like those in your
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past, repeating patterns of disfunction and disappointment.
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Here’s what I hear from women all the time.
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I’d like to think I could do this. I’m reasonable.
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I’m loving. I make a great partner.
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Of course I can do this or I want this.
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So yes, I’m ready for it.
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But I want to push on this a little bit
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because this is where most women have big blind spots.
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For most of us, the reality is we learned
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what we don’t want from our parents.
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Maybe your model really sucked.
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And even if you were lucky enough to have parents
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with a great relationship,
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I guarantee you they were not teaching you
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how they were doing it.
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They weren’t saying, see kids.
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Did you see how he just handled this conflict
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and mom apologized and dad did this?
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No, that’s not happening.
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Even in the best hou houses with the best model
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of relationships, and we don’t learn this anywhere in school
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or therapy or religious institutions along the way,
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and likely you’ve just not been successful at it in the
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past, or you wouldn’t be watching this video
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or listening to this episode.
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Even if you have had a long-term relationship in the past,
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it doesn’t necessarily mean you can do this confidently,
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because if you show up in your next relationship the same
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way that you were in the last one, you’re going
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to get more of the same.
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You were part of that dynamic that didn’t work before.
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You can’t show up in the same way in your next relationship
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and expect to have a different experience.
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And having long-term friendships is not the same.
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Do not be fooled. So here’s the thing, wanting love
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and having the skills
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and the know-how to do love are not the same thing.
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So all of this to say it makes perfect sense.
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If this is hard or scary for you, of course you are scared.
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Of course you doubt yourself.
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Of course, you wonder if you’re gonna mess it up again.
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Here’s what usually happens. Women end up overfunctioning.
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They take care of everything. They manage his emotions.
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They lose themselves trying
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to keep the relationship afloat, or they shut down.
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They can’t be vulnerable, they can’t let him in,
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so they protect themselves
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because that’s so, that intimacy is just so intense
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and makes it impossible to experience it,
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or they sabotage it.
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They pick fights, they pick him apart and find faults.
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They pull away. They unconsciously push him away
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because deep down, they don’t believe they deserve
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to be loved and they are scared of it.
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So here’s the question again.
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How confident are you that you feel fully equipped
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to have a healthy long-term relationship and make it last?
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If you’re not a hundred percent sure that you can do this,
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you have work to do.
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So remember, this exercise isn’t about making you feel bad.
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It’s designed to help you see
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where you are having the most trouble so
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that you can get the support that you need.
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This is ultimately about being able to trust yourself, to
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navigate each stage of a relationship, knowing what is best
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for you, and doing it even when you really like him,
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even when you’re scared,
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and even when you really want it to work out.
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Most women don’t trust themselves when it comes to love
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and relationships because they’ve never learned the skills
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and they’ve never been taught the skills.
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They’ve never practiced the tools.
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They’ve never seen themselves successfully navigate a
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long-term healthy relationship.
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So they’re trying to do something
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with their eyes blindfolded
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and their hands tied behind their back,
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something they don’t know how to do,
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hoping they’ll just figure it out as they go.
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And it’s scary when you don’t know what you’re doing
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and so much is at stake, your heart, your safety,
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your sanity, your wellbeing,
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sometimes even your livelihood when you start thinking about
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merging your lives together.
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But you can’t build self-trust by winging it.
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You build trust by learning the skills, practicing them
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and witnessing yourself doing it.
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And above all by knowing you will always do what’s best
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for you, even when it’s hard.
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That’s when everything changes.
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When you trust yourself at every stage of the relationship,
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when you trust your picker, trust yourself
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to just show up authentically all the time, no matter what,
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and you trust yourself to build something real.
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You stop repeating these painful patterns.
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You stop attracting the wrong men,
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and you stop sabotaging the good ones,
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and you start showing up with clarity and certainty, free
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and clear to just let love in.
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And that’s when you finally attract the extraordinary
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partner that you’ve been waiting for and longing for.
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So the work isn’t about finding him, because even if Mr.
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Wonderful came knocking on your door right now,
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if you don’t fully trust yourself at each
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stage, it’s not gonna work.
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It just won’t. And it’s not about being perfect either.
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It’s about stepping into the version of you
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who feels 100% worthy of the kind of love that you want
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and capable of making it happen.
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That is your relationship with you.
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It always starts with you.
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I do wanna say ready
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for love really is the absolute best in the world
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for helping women with all of this, the deep psychology
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and the relationship skills.
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So if this episode resonated with you, apply to speak
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with us at Ready for love inc.com/apply.
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We’ll have a deep conversation with you to assess exactly
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where you’re struggling and give you a clear
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roadmap for what to do next.
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Or check out our online classes at Ready
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for love inc.com/courses.
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Thanks for listening and see you next time.
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And if you are watching on
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YouTube, please leave some comments.
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Let me know what stage you’re struggling with the most.
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I’d love to hear from you.
