1
00:00:00.135 –> 00:00:01.285
Let’s talk about the list.
2
00:00:01.505 –> 00:00:04.365
You know you have one all the criteria of
3
00:00:04.365 –> 00:00:05.885
what you want in a partner.
4
00:00:05.985 –> 00:00:08.045
Having this list means you know
5
00:00:08.045 –> 00:00:09.605
what you want and you won’t settle.
6
00:00:09.985 –> 00:00:12.365
You have standards and you’re proud of it, except
7
00:00:12.365 –> 00:00:15.485
that somehow having that list hasn’t really served you
8
00:00:15.715 –> 00:00:18.845
because here you are still single, either staying
9
00:00:19.075 –> 00:00:23.125
with the wrong men despite the list, or eliminating all men
10
00:00:23.125 –> 00:00:24.405
because of the list.
11
00:00:24.505 –> 00:00:26.645
So today we are talking all about the list.
12
00:00:27.125 –> 00:00:29.405
’cause what good is it if it’s not really helping?
13
00:00:34.885 –> 00:00:37.165
I know you’ve been told to make a list of the qualities
14
00:00:37.165 –> 00:00:39.565
and traits that you are looking for in a partner.
15
00:00:39.755 –> 00:00:40.885
It’s age old advice,
16
00:00:41.305 –> 00:00:43.685
and in theory it sounds like a great idea.
17
00:00:43.995 –> 00:00:45.485
It’s like having a grocery list
18
00:00:45.485 –> 00:00:48.125
before you go shopping so you don’t forget anything
19
00:00:48.125 –> 00:00:49.685
that you need or want at the store.
20
00:00:50.345 –> 00:00:53.525
So you’re man shopping and you have your list.
21
00:00:53.825 –> 00:00:57.205
It keeps you honest and on track, not overlooking things
22
00:00:57.265 –> 00:00:59.645
or forgetting things that are important to you.
23
00:00:59.865 –> 00:01:01.125
That’s all fine and good.
24
00:01:01.505 –> 00:01:02.685
It feels empowering,
25
00:01:02.685 –> 00:01:04.445
like you’re taking control of your love life.
26
00:01:04.585 –> 00:01:07.005
You’re being intentional about your next partner,
27
00:01:07.145 –> 00:01:08.885
except here’s what’s actually happening.
28
00:01:09.155 –> 00:01:10.925
Your list isn’t protecting you.
29
00:01:11.355 –> 00:01:13.165
It’s probably sabotaging you
30
00:01:13.195 –> 00:01:16.645
because despite the list, you keep ending up with men
31
00:01:16.665 –> 00:01:20.085
who don’t measure up making concessions or settling
32
00:01:20.745 –> 00:01:23.685
or it’s been three years or five years or longer,
33
00:01:24.105 –> 00:01:26.325
and you’re still all alone not getting
34
00:01:26.325 –> 00:01:28.645
what you want in a partner or in a relationship.
35
00:01:28.705 –> 00:01:32.765
So here are three reasons why the list has become part
36
00:01:32.765 –> 00:01:35.525
of the problem and the micro adjustments
37
00:01:35.525 –> 00:01:37.205
that will help make a big impact.
38
00:01:37.375 –> 00:01:40.165
First, you’re checking surface level boxes
39
00:01:40.705 –> 00:01:43.445
and completely missing what actually matters.
40
00:01:43.745 –> 00:01:44.765
Here’s what I mean by that.
41
00:01:44.875 –> 00:01:46.965
It’s that you’re not making a distinction between
42
00:01:46.965 –> 00:01:51.405
what I call gatekeeping criteria versus character criteria.
43
00:01:51.595 –> 00:01:55.485
Gatekeeping criteria are the basic logistics that have
44
00:01:55.485 –> 00:01:58.085
to work before you even go on a date.
45
00:01:58.395 –> 00:01:59.685
Does he live close enough
46
00:01:59.795 –> 00:02:01.285
that we can actually date each other?
47
00:02:01.805 –> 00:02:04.245
I don’t believe in LDRs long distance relationships.
48
00:02:04.825 –> 00:02:06.525
Is he at a compatible life stage?
49
00:02:06.705 –> 00:02:08.365
If you’re 60 with grown kids, you
50
00:02:08.925 –> 00:02:11.925
probably don’t want someone who had kids later in life
51
00:02:11.985 –> 00:02:13.085
and still has toddlers.
52
00:02:13.185 –> 00:02:15.285
Are there major lifestyle deal breakers?
53
00:02:15.465 –> 00:02:17.565
You’re retired and ready to travel the world.
54
00:02:17.955 –> 00:02:19.645
He’s building a brick and mortar business
55
00:02:19.645 –> 00:02:22.805
and won’t be free for a nomad life for many years to come.
56
00:02:23.135 –> 00:02:25.925
These are just examples of gatekeeping criteria.
57
00:02:26.415 –> 00:02:28.285
These are legitimate filters.
58
00:02:28.435 –> 00:02:31.125
They’re practical and they’re quick decisions.
59
00:02:31.225 –> 00:02:32.845
If he lives three states away
60
00:02:33.185 –> 00:02:36.765
or has five kids under 10, when you’re done with that stage
61
00:02:36.765 –> 00:02:39.605
of life, you just don’t go on a date with this person.
62
00:02:39.835 –> 00:02:42.605
It’s very simple. But here’s where women get into trouble.
63
00:02:42.715 –> 00:02:45.045
When those basic boxes are checked,
64
00:02:45.355 –> 00:02:47.965
they think they found someone promising
65
00:02:48.065 –> 00:02:50.565
and they get excited about the potential.
66
00:02:51.025 –> 00:02:53.005
Wow. Finally, a man with a high level job
67
00:02:53.025 –> 00:02:55.845
who has older kids like me, he’s tall, successful, went
68
00:02:55.845 –> 00:02:57.685
to a good school and shares my religion.
69
00:02:58.035 –> 00:02:59.405
This could really be something.
70
00:02:59.545 –> 00:03:02.485
And now they’re invested in the idea of him
71
00:03:02.865 –> 00:03:05.885
before they’ve actually evaluated who he is.
72
00:03:05.955 –> 00:03:07.885
They’ve checked the surface level boxes
73
00:03:08.145 –> 00:03:11.875
and this feel like evidence that this is going somewhere.
74
00:03:12.135 –> 00:03:13.475
So they overlook red flags.
75
00:03:13.475 –> 00:03:16.155
They excuse behaviors they wouldn’t tolerate otherwise,
76
00:03:16.775 –> 00:03:18.635
and they stay longer than they should
77
00:03:18.635 –> 00:03:21.915
because on paper he’s everything I wanted.
78
00:03:22.415 –> 00:03:26.035
But all of those surface level criteria tell you absolutely
79
00:03:26.035 –> 00:03:28.675
nothing about who he is as a person.
80
00:03:29.375 –> 00:03:32.635
His character, yes, he has a high level job,
81
00:03:32.735 –> 00:03:33.835
but does he have integrity?
82
00:03:34.135 –> 00:03:36.715
Yes, he’s educated, but is he kind?
83
00:03:37.175 –> 00:03:40.435
Yes, he’s the right height. Is he emotionally available?
84
00:03:41.015 –> 00:03:42.675
Yes, he goes to your church.
85
00:03:42.905 –> 00:03:45.155
Does he take responsibility for his actions?
86
00:03:45.415 –> 00:03:48.475
You need to be looking for values based criteria,
87
00:03:48.985 –> 00:03:51.515
character traits, who he actually is.
88
00:03:51.695 –> 00:03:53.995
And here’s the thing about values versus
89
00:03:54.595 –> 00:03:55.995
interests or circumstances.
90
00:03:56.835 –> 00:03:59.195
People’s interests change over time.
91
00:03:59.565 –> 00:04:03.435
Their circumstances change, but their values rarely do.
92
00:04:03.575 –> 00:04:05.355
You both might love hiking right now,
93
00:04:05.375 –> 00:04:06.675
but in five years, one
94
00:04:06.675 –> 00:04:08.355
of you gets injured or loses interest.
95
00:04:08.455 –> 00:04:09.555
That’s not a deal breaker.
96
00:04:09.615 –> 00:04:11.115
If you share core values,
97
00:04:11.615 –> 00:04:14.075
you might both have demanding careers right now,
98
00:04:14.135 –> 00:04:17.435
but careers shift priorities change and life happens.
99
00:04:17.945 –> 00:04:21.555
What matters is do you both value integrity, respect,
100
00:04:21.745 –> 00:04:23.275
partnership and communication?
101
00:04:23.445 –> 00:04:24.835
Those things don’t change.
102
00:04:25.155 –> 00:04:27.715
A man who takes responsibility today will take
103
00:04:27.715 –> 00:04:29.195
responsibility in five years.
104
00:04:29.715 –> 00:04:32.875
A man who’s kind to waiters now will be kind
105
00:04:32.935 –> 00:04:34.155
to waiters in 10 years.
106
00:04:34.595 –> 00:04:37.115
A man who is generous now will more than likely
107
00:04:37.635 –> 00:04:38.795
continue to be generous.
108
00:04:39.065 –> 00:04:40.835
That is what you should be evaluating.
109
00:04:41.375 –> 00:04:44.635
Not whether he checks boxes on height, income, education,
110
00:04:44.655 –> 00:04:48.035
and hobbies, but most women spend way more time excited
111
00:04:48.365 –> 00:04:51.395
about the surface level stuff than they do actually
112
00:04:51.395 –> 00:04:52.555
assessing character
113
00:04:52.655 –> 00:04:55.355
and then ending up in relationships with the wrong men
114
00:04:55.575 –> 00:04:58.155
and staying too long trying to make it work.
115
00:04:58.375 –> 00:05:01.555
So you’re checking these somewhat arbitrary boxes on your
116
00:05:01.555 –> 00:05:03.835
list and making decisions about him
117
00:05:04.015 –> 00:05:06.195
and your potential based on credentials
118
00:05:06.225 –> 00:05:07.355
instead of character.
119
00:05:07.375 –> 00:05:11.355
The second reason, even if you have the right things on your
120
00:05:11.355 –> 00:05:12.395
list, quality
121
00:05:12.535 –> 00:05:15.235
and values-based criteria like emotional
122
00:05:15.235 –> 00:05:16.995
availability, kindness, integrity.
123
00:05:17.585 –> 00:05:20.595
That doesn’t mean that you can actually recognize
124
00:05:20.985 –> 00:05:23.315
what those things look like in real life,
125
00:05:23.815 –> 00:05:26.835
or more importantly, recognize when someone is faking it.
126
00:05:26.985 –> 00:05:29.795
Most women say they want an emotionally available man,
127
00:05:29.965 –> 00:05:31.355
great, that’s on the list.
128
00:05:31.495 –> 00:05:33.395
But what does that actually mean?
129
00:05:33.625 –> 00:05:37.035
What does that look like in real life when he’s standing
130
00:05:37.035 –> 00:05:38.035
right in front of you?
131
00:05:38.495 –> 00:05:40.595
Is it sharing a personal story about your
132
00:05:40.595 –> 00:05:41.715
childhood on the second date?
133
00:05:42.055 –> 00:05:44.115
Is it saying, I’ve done a lot of therapy
134
00:05:44.695 –> 00:05:47.355
or using words like emotional regulation
135
00:05:47.375 –> 00:05:48.435
and attachment style?
136
00:05:48.615 –> 00:05:49.795
Is it crying at a movie
137
00:05:49.895 –> 00:05:52.555
or telling you he’s in touch with his feelings?
138
00:05:52.845 –> 00:05:54.835
Maybe, but maybe not.
139
00:05:55.065 –> 00:05:57.870
Just because you have emotionally available written on your
140
00:05:57.870 –> 00:06:00.285
list doesn’t mean you can tell the difference
141
00:06:00.285 –> 00:06:02.325
between a man who’s genuinely open
142
00:06:02.825 –> 00:06:06.005
and vulnerable versus a man who’s learned the language
143
00:06:06.065 –> 00:06:07.885
and is using it to hook you in.
144
00:06:08.525 –> 00:06:11.085
A man who knows he’s supposed to act a certain way,
145
00:06:11.105 –> 00:06:14.685
can do it once or a few times or for a short period of time,
146
00:06:15.145 –> 00:06:18.085
but if it’s not real, it’s not consistent
147
00:06:18.265 –> 00:06:20.925
and it’s not sustainable, he can’t keep it up
148
00:06:20.925 –> 00:06:23.085
because it’s just not genuine for him.
149
00:06:23.185 –> 00:06:25.445
And when you’re busy checking the box on your list,
150
00:06:25.475 –> 00:06:27.645
because yes, he’s gone to therapy
151
00:06:28.145 –> 00:06:30.285
and he is worked on himself, you don’t learn
152
00:06:30.285 –> 00:06:32.765
to feel it in your body.
153
00:06:32.825 –> 00:06:34.765
You’re not in your own senses.
154
00:06:35.025 –> 00:06:38.165
You’re not actually feeling whether this is real
155
00:06:38.265 –> 00:06:39.725
or whether it’s a performance.
156
00:06:40.275 –> 00:06:43.045
Your intuition is a felt sense.
157
00:06:43.475 –> 00:06:46.845
It’s telling you and alerting you when something is off,
158
00:06:47.105 –> 00:06:49.925
but you can’t access your intuition when you’re in your
159
00:06:49.925 –> 00:06:51.645
head, busy checking boxes.
160
00:06:52.155 –> 00:06:55.245
Your intuition definitely doesn’t care about
161
00:06:55.285 –> 00:06:56.365
a list on paper.
162
00:06:56.915 –> 00:07:00.805
Knowing and feeling the difference is discernment.
163
00:07:01.225 –> 00:07:03.725
The ability to feel when something is off,
164
00:07:04.075 –> 00:07:06.045
even if you can’t articulate why.
165
00:07:06.475 –> 00:07:09.805
It’s the ability to recognize when someone is performing
166
00:07:10.105 –> 00:07:12.045
versus when they’re being real.
167
00:07:12.185 –> 00:07:15.525
The ability to trust your gut over a checked box.
168
00:07:16.075 –> 00:07:18.565
This discernment happens in your body,
169
00:07:19.065 –> 00:07:21.365
the tightness in your chest when he says something
170
00:07:21.365 –> 00:07:23.645
that sounds good but feels wrong.
171
00:07:24.115 –> 00:07:25.205
It’s the sense of ease
172
00:07:25.225 –> 00:07:26.365
and safety that you feel
173
00:07:26.595 –> 00:07:29.645
with someone who’s genuinely present and healthy.
174
00:07:30.075 –> 00:07:31.965
It’s noticing that you’re performing
175
00:07:32.305 –> 00:07:35.765
and on guard instead of relaxed and just being yourself.
176
00:07:36.235 –> 00:07:39.245
It’s your nervous system telling you, yes, this is right,
177
00:07:39.385 –> 00:07:41.325
or no, something is off here.
178
00:07:41.465 –> 00:07:44.565
So you can have the perfect list every single thing on.
179
00:07:44.565 –> 00:07:47.805
It could be a legitimate character trait or a value,
180
00:07:48.505 –> 00:07:51.805
but if you don’t know what a true expression of
181
00:07:51.805 –> 00:07:54.925
that trait looks like, how to feel the difference
182
00:07:54.925 –> 00:07:58.445
between real and fake, the list is worse than useless.
183
00:07:58.635 –> 00:08:00.805
It’s dangerous because it’s giving you a
184
00:08:00.805 –> 00:08:01.965
false sense of security.
185
00:08:02.065 –> 00:08:03.925
And now I’m going to flip this for a second
186
00:08:04.075 –> 00:08:07.125
because it’s not just you doing this to him.
187
00:08:07.615 –> 00:08:10.285
Women get way more caught up in the list on
188
00:08:10.285 –> 00:08:11.765
paper than men do.
189
00:08:12.385 –> 00:08:15.765
Men don’t evaluate a potential partner based on her job,
190
00:08:16.225 –> 00:08:18.445
her life stage, or her income, the same way
191
00:08:18.445 –> 00:08:19.725
that women evaluate men.
192
00:08:20.145 –> 00:08:22.325
So what I see all the time, especially
193
00:08:22.675 –> 00:08:25.885
with high achieving women, is that all the focus
194
00:08:26.065 –> 00:08:30.205
for her goes into being on that list of checked boxes.
195
00:08:30.905 –> 00:08:32.965
She has the great career and lifestyle.
196
00:08:33.335 –> 00:08:36.485
She’s fit and good looking. She takes care of herself.
197
00:08:36.545 –> 00:08:38.605
She has the achievements and the credentials,
198
00:08:39.185 –> 00:08:42.485
and then she will show up on dates as if she’s auditioning
199
00:08:42.485 –> 00:08:47.005
for a part or interviewing for a job emotionally detached,
200
00:08:47.565 –> 00:08:51.765
unavailable, not being authentic, real or vulnerable.
201
00:08:52.275 –> 00:08:55.445
It’s performing. So you want to check his boxes
202
00:08:55.985 –> 00:08:57.685
rather than just being yourself
203
00:08:57.685 –> 00:08:59.725
and then letting the chips fall where they may.
204
00:09:00.065 –> 00:09:02.685
You can’t create intimacy, chemistry
205
00:09:02.785 –> 00:09:04.965
and real connection from a place
206
00:09:04.965 –> 00:09:06.965
of evaluation and performance.
207
00:09:07.345 –> 00:09:10.325
You have to actually be present, be yourself,
208
00:09:10.945 –> 00:09:14.205
be a vulnerable enough to let someone see you
209
00:09:14.665 –> 00:09:17.685
and curious enough to actually see them.
210
00:09:18.185 –> 00:09:21.005
But the checklist keeps you trapped in your head on both
211
00:09:21.005 –> 00:09:22.005
sides of the equation.
212
00:09:22.545 –> 00:09:25.565
You’re evaluating him, you’re performing for him,
213
00:09:26.025 –> 00:09:28.165
and then neither one of you is actually there.
214
00:09:28.385 –> 00:09:30.965
And one more very important thing
215
00:09:30.965 –> 00:09:32.645
before we get to the final reason
216
00:09:32.995 –> 00:09:35.525
that the list is doing you wrong, I need
217
00:09:35.525 –> 00:09:37.285
to call out one specific box
218
00:09:37.475 –> 00:09:40.165
that perfectly illustrates this whole problem.
219
00:09:41.125 –> 00:09:42.885
Religion. This is one of the most
220
00:09:43.485 –> 00:09:44.885
dangerous boxes on your list
221
00:09:44.885 –> 00:09:47.205
because it feels like you’re being discerning
222
00:09:47.425 –> 00:09:48.845
and having standards
223
00:09:48.985 –> 00:09:52.205
and making a conscious choice when actually you end up
224
00:09:52.205 –> 00:09:53.845
making a lot of assumptions.
225
00:09:54.145 –> 00:09:55.205
If you are religious
226
00:09:55.305 –> 00:09:58.405
or deeply faithful, doesn’t matter what it is, Christian,
227
00:09:58.405 –> 00:10:00.565
Jewish, Muslim, spiritual, whatever,
228
00:10:01.025 –> 00:10:03.405
and you meet someone who shares your faith,
229
00:10:03.465 –> 00:10:06.805
you’ll make all kinds of judgements about him instantly.
230
00:10:07.305 –> 00:10:10.685
We are all biased in our own favor in this way.
231
00:10:11.105 –> 00:10:13.325
You think, oh, good, he’s Christian like me.
232
00:10:13.385 –> 00:10:15.725
He must be a good man, or he’s Jewish.
233
00:10:15.905 –> 00:10:19.645
We we definitely share the same values. Or he’s spiritual.
234
00:10:19.785 –> 00:10:21.405
He must be conscious and evolved.
235
00:10:21.675 –> 00:10:25.365
Then you actually stop paying attention to who he is.
236
00:10:26.075 –> 00:10:27.325
Just because he goes
237
00:10:27.445 –> 00:10:30.005
to your church does not mean he’s a good man.
238
00:10:30.625 –> 00:10:33.925
Men who go to church also lie, cheat, manipulate,
239
00:10:33.925 –> 00:10:36.485
have addictions, have narcissistic tendencies
240
00:10:36.485 –> 00:10:39.565
and can be emotionally abusive just like any other man.
241
00:10:39.705 –> 00:10:43.325
In fact, and this might make some of you uncomfortable, some
242
00:10:43.325 –> 00:10:46.965
of the most toxic men that I’ve encountered in 25 years
243
00:10:47.065 –> 00:10:49.205
of practice hide behind religion.
244
00:10:49.635 –> 00:10:51.085
They use it as a shield.
245
00:10:51.315 –> 00:10:52.725
They go to church every Sunday,
246
00:10:53.105 –> 00:10:56.365
but they treat their partners terribly behind closed doors.
247
00:10:56.795 –> 00:10:58.685
They quote scripture and they cheat.
248
00:10:58.955 –> 00:11:00.565
They lead Bible study groups
249
00:11:00.625 –> 00:11:02.405
and are controlling and manipulative.
250
00:11:02.405 –> 00:11:04.565
Women have said, oh, I thought, you know,
251
00:11:04.765 –> 00:11:06.565
he comes from a Jewish or a Muslim family.
252
00:11:06.705 –> 00:11:09.245
So we’re already aligned in so many things.
253
00:11:09.675 –> 00:11:13.005
They made so many assumptions about this, this man,
254
00:11:13.345 –> 00:11:16.365
and he turned out to be a horrible person.
255
00:11:16.575 –> 00:11:20.005
Women miss all the signs and cues because shared faith
256
00:11:20.005 –> 00:11:21.765
and religion becomes a checked box
257
00:11:22.035 –> 00:11:23.525
that makes them feel safe.
258
00:11:23.945 –> 00:11:26.645
Shared faith is one piece of information.
259
00:11:27.185 –> 00:11:29.525
It can matter for lifestyle compatibility
260
00:11:29.905 –> 00:11:32.725
for raising children, shared spiritual values,
261
00:11:32.865 –> 00:11:36.205
but it does not tell you about his character.
262
00:11:36.505 –> 00:11:39.285
It does not guarantee he is emotionally healthy,
263
00:11:39.515 –> 00:11:42.045
that he’s a good person or a good partner,
264
00:11:42.385 –> 00:11:43.765
and that he will treat you well.
265
00:11:44.215 –> 00:11:45.525
Being of the same religion
266
00:11:45.545 –> 00:11:48.885
or faith is just simply that and that alone.
267
00:11:49.265 –> 00:11:51.885
And when you assume it means more, you are blind
268
00:11:51.985 –> 00:11:53.525
to everything else he can be,
269
00:11:53.585 –> 00:11:55.485
and your list becomes dangerous.
270
00:11:55.625 –> 00:11:57.245
So I hope that you will take that to heart.
271
00:11:57.345 –> 00:12:01.965
So the last reason, the list keeps you safe from ever having
272
00:12:02.025 –> 00:12:03.285
to choose anyone.
273
00:12:03.755 –> 00:12:04.805
It’s sabotage.
274
00:12:05.145 –> 00:12:07.805
You’re using it to narrow the field so much
275
00:12:08.075 –> 00:12:09.965
that no one can actually get through.
276
00:12:10.305 –> 00:12:12.965
Now, you didn’t consciously create it for that purpose.
277
00:12:13.545 –> 00:12:16.365
You genuinely think that you’re maintaining standards.
278
00:12:16.745 –> 00:12:18.605
But if we’re really being honest,
279
00:12:19.065 –> 00:12:22.805
the checklist serves a very important subconscious function.
280
00:12:23.225 –> 00:12:25.685
It protects you from having to be vulnerable.
281
00:12:25.935 –> 00:12:30.605
Think about it. If your list has 12, 15, 20 requirements,
282
00:12:31.105 –> 00:12:33.685
he must be this tall, make this much money, have this kind
283
00:12:33.685 –> 00:12:36.005
of degree, live within a radius, have kids this age
284
00:12:36.005 –> 00:12:38.805
or no kids at all, share your faith, work out regularly,
285
00:12:39.075 –> 00:12:40.125
have a close relationship
286
00:12:40.125 –> 00:12:41.805
with his family, but not too close.
287
00:12:42.075 –> 00:12:44.045
Want kids, but within a specific timeframe
288
00:12:44.265 –> 00:12:46.165
and be emotionally intelligent and masculine
289
00:12:46.165 –> 00:12:47.845
and ambitious, but also present.
290
00:12:48.665 –> 00:12:53.095
You get the idea. No one is going to check every single box.
291
00:12:53.635 –> 00:12:56.455
No real human being is going to meet all
292
00:12:56.455 –> 00:12:57.575
of those requirements.
293
00:12:57.715 –> 00:12:58.735
And that’s the point,
294
00:12:58.925 –> 00:13:02.335
because if no one ever meets all of your criteria,
295
00:13:02.955 –> 00:13:05.295
you never have to actually choose anyone.
296
00:13:05.635 –> 00:13:09.215
You get to stay safe sitting on the bench, opting out.
297
00:13:09.515 –> 00:13:11.095
You get to keep dating and dating.
298
00:13:11.285 –> 00:13:14.455
Finding fault with everyone saying, I just can’t find anyone
299
00:13:14.885 –> 00:13:16.015
that I’m interested in,
300
00:13:16.155 –> 00:13:18.175
or no one measures up to my standards.
301
00:13:18.275 –> 00:13:21.215
But the truth is, you’re finding fault on purpose,
302
00:13:21.555 –> 00:13:23.495
subconsciously on purpose.
303
00:13:23.805 –> 00:13:26.575
It’s kind of like you’re backing yourself into a corner
304
00:13:26.945 –> 00:13:28.575
where no one is ever good enough.
305
00:13:28.915 –> 00:13:31.615
And from that corner, you’re safe and protected.
306
00:13:31.955 –> 00:13:33.735
You don’t have to risk getting close.
307
00:13:34.195 –> 00:13:35.735
You don’t have to be vulnerable.
308
00:13:35.795 –> 00:13:37.535
You don’t have to face the possibility
309
00:13:37.875 –> 00:13:39.295
of getting hurt again.
310
00:13:39.475 –> 00:13:40.935
And here’s what you’re really afraid of,
311
00:13:41.315 –> 00:13:45.415
making the wrong choice again, being disappointed again,
312
00:13:45.885 –> 00:13:48.695
investing in someone who doesn’t work out, again,
313
00:13:48.935 –> 00:13:50.055
trusting your judgment
314
00:13:50.185 –> 00:13:52.655
after being wrong so many times before.
315
00:13:52.795 –> 00:13:55.695
And underneath all of that is being afraid
316
00:13:55.695 –> 00:13:57.135
of intimacy itself.
317
00:13:57.445 –> 00:14:01.135
Getting close to someone means they might see the real you.
318
00:14:01.595 –> 00:14:04.295
The parts that you think are unlovable,
319
00:14:04.475 –> 00:14:06.655
the parts you think aren’t perfect.
320
00:14:07.085 –> 00:14:10.775
Getting close to someone means you might get hurt, rejected,
321
00:14:10.965 –> 00:14:13.095
abandoned, let down, betrayed.
322
00:14:13.405 –> 00:14:16.295
Getting close to someone means you have to trust them.
323
00:14:16.675 –> 00:14:18.735
And trusting feels terrifying when
324
00:14:18.735 –> 00:14:19.975
you’ve been let down before.
325
00:14:20.195 –> 00:14:21.855
So you create these obstacles
326
00:14:22.195 –> 00:14:24.255
and the checklist becomes your excuse
327
00:14:24.355 –> 00:14:27.615
and your shield, your reason why you can’t find
328
00:14:27.755 –> 00:14:29.415
anyone, it’s not me.
329
00:14:29.885 –> 00:14:32.535
It’s just I have high standards and no one meets them.
330
00:14:32.795 –> 00:14:35.095
I’m not gonna settle. Don’t ask me to settle.
331
00:14:35.275 –> 00:14:37.335
But what if the real problem is
332
00:14:37.335 –> 00:14:41.255
that you’re using impossibly high standards to avoid having
333
00:14:41.315 –> 00:14:42.935
to actually let someone in.
334
00:14:43.005 –> 00:14:46.895
This is sophisticated, intelligent, well disguised,
335
00:14:47.335 –> 00:14:49.895
sabotage, but sabotage nonetheless.
336
00:14:50.355 –> 00:14:53.965
And the saddest part is that you do actually want love.
337
00:14:54.465 –> 00:14:55.485
You might be lonely
338
00:14:55.825 –> 00:14:58.005
and you might genuinely want partnership,
339
00:14:58.225 –> 00:15:00.805
but underneath that desire is a deeper fear.
340
00:15:01.515 –> 00:15:04.725
That fear of intimacy and vulnerability and being hurt.
341
00:15:05.065 –> 00:15:07.405
And as long as that fear is running the show,
342
00:15:07.945 –> 00:15:10.885
you’ll always find a way to keep everyone out.
343
00:15:11.265 –> 00:15:14.725
The checklist is just the tool that you are using to do it.
344
00:15:14.905 –> 00:15:18.765
So the list is still good advice, but there’s a right way
345
00:15:18.825 –> 00:15:20.645
and a wrong way to use it.
346
00:15:20.905 –> 00:15:23.885
And it will either help you along or it will hold you back.
347
00:15:23.985 –> 00:15:25.445
It helps because when you get it right,
348
00:15:25.445 –> 00:15:28.325
you’ll stop picking the wrong men despite the list.
349
00:15:28.825 –> 00:15:30.845
Or stop eliminating all men
350
00:15:30.845 –> 00:15:33.405
because of the list holding you back
351
00:15:33.405 –> 00:15:35.045
because you’re subconsciously blocking
352
00:15:35.395 –> 00:15:36.845
what you really want the most
353
00:15:36.845 –> 00:15:40.405
because it scares you to open yourself up to the what ifs.
354
00:15:40.425 –> 00:15:43.845
You stop eliminating incredible men for superficial reasons.
355
00:15:44.265 –> 00:15:48.005
You stop staying too long with men who look good on paper,
356
00:15:48.705 –> 00:15:52.325
but feel all wrong and you stop hiding behind requirements
357
00:15:52.705 –> 00:15:54.245
and start actually choosing.
358
00:15:54.505 –> 00:15:57.725
You become a woman who trusts herself, who listens
359
00:15:57.725 –> 00:15:59.725
to herself, who knows what she wants,
360
00:16:00.065 –> 00:16:03.005
and she can recognize it in person in real life.
361
00:16:03.275 –> 00:16:05.725
When she sees it standing in front of her,
362
00:16:06.425 –> 00:16:08.125
you can discern this character.
363
00:16:08.225 –> 00:16:10.565
You can feel the difference between real and fake.
364
00:16:11.025 –> 00:16:13.925
And that’s when it gets fun because it’s effortless,
365
00:16:14.385 –> 00:16:16.845
and this is when it actually will happen for you.
366
00:16:16.865 –> 00:16:17.925
Thanks for listening.
367
00:16:17.995 –> 00:16:20.165
Make sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel so
368
00:16:20.165 –> 00:16:22.765
that you can share your comments on all of our episodes.
369
00:16:23.065 –> 00:16:24.885
And if this resonated with you
370
00:16:24.905 –> 00:16:27.285
and you’re ready to develop real discernment
371
00:16:27.625 –> 00:16:29.205
to stop sabotaging yourself
372
00:16:29.345 –> 00:16:31.045
and become the woman who knows how
373
00:16:31.045 –> 00:16:33.045
to choose the right partner, go to ready
374
00:16:33.045 –> 00:16:37.285
for love inc.com/apply to learn more about working with us.
375
00:16:37.625 –> 00:16:38.245
See you next time.
