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Here we are again, another holiday season.
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Thanksgiving dinners where someone asks if you’re seeing anyone, office parties
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where everyone brings their spouse, and New Year’s Eve where you’re the one
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without someone to kiss at midnight.
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I know some of you listening promised yourself that 2025
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was going to be your year, the year that you finally found love, the year
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everything clicked into place. But here we are, almost at the end
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of another year, and maybe nothing’s changed.
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So today, we’re talking about something that might be hard to hear, but you
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need to hear it. How long are you going to tolerate
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being single? Because the truth is, you’ve gotten comfortable with
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it. You’ve normalized it. You’ve made peace with the heartburn.
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And as long as you tolerate it, nothing changes.
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So if you’re tired of being alone, tired of watching everyone else find
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love while you’re still waiting, tired of making excuses for why it
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hasn’t happened yet, or tired even just thinking about
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it, singleness is taking up mental space in your life, then this
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episode is your wake-up
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call.
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(instrumental music) Maybe you’re thinking, “Well, I’ve been busy with
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work,” or, “I just haven’t met the right person yet.
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The timing hasn’t been right.” On the surface, your life looks
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amazing. You’ve got the career, the friends, the vacations, the
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full life. People look at you and think you have it all.
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But privately, there’s something missing, a hole,
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an ache. I call it living with heartburn.
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When you have heartburn, no one knows that you have it ’cause you’re not doubled
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over in pain. You can still function and still show up.
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You can smile at the holiday party.
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But there’s this constant burning in your chest.
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It’s a low-grade discomfort that never goes away, and it does
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distract you. It keeps you from being fully present, enjoying your
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fullest life. Because the truth is, being single when you don’t
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want to be is painful, and it’s not
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just during the holidays. It’s every vacation that you take
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alone, every wedding where you’re the solo guest, every
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plus-one event where you show up minus one.
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It’s waking up alone. It’s making every decision alone,
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about the insurance, the house, the, the car.
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It’s having no one to share your wins with or your struggles with.
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It’s having no one to go home to at the end of the day who’s eagerly
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awaiting to hear how your big event went, to share
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your big celebrations and wins with, somebody who’s invested in
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what happens to you, and not having somebody share your struggles
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with, to debrief about how to handle certain things.
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It’s not having a thought partner in this life.
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And it’s scrolling through social media and seeing everyone else’s
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relationship highlight reel while you’re still waiting for your story to
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begin. And what happens is, the years keep passing
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by. 40 became 45, 45 became 50,
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and maybe even 55 or 60, and you could still be in the very same
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place because you’ve gotten used to it.
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It’s become your normal, your identity even.
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“I’m the single friend. I’m independent. I don’t need anyone.
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I’m always working on myself.” Maybe your friends have stopped asking you about
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your love life, and maybe you’ve stopped bringing it up.
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You’ve just gotten comfortable with the discomfort.
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You’ve identified with the struggle.
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But here’s the thing, this isn’t your fault. You’re not broken.
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You’re not unlovable. You’re not too picky or too much or too old or
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too much of anything. You’ve been trying.
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You’ve been putting yourself out there. You’ve been working on yourself.
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You’re doing your best with what you know.
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But here’s what I need you to hear, my loves.
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You’re tolerating being single. You’ve made peace with
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it, and you’ve settled into it. You’ve accepted it as your
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reality. And as long as you tolerate it, nothing
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changes. We get used to what we’re used to, and we call it
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fine, even when fine isn’t actually fine,
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even when fine is painful. We accept what’s
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familiar. We accept what we know. Our comfort
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zone becomes very comfortable, even when it’s uncomfortable.
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I call it the confinement zone, because at least it’s
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predictable. At least we know what to expect.
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But dealing with this issue is like finally having that
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surgery to alleviate back pain that you got used to living with for so
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long, and then you wonder why you waited so long to have the
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surgery, because that’s how life-changing the relief is.
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So here’s the truth that no one else is gonna tell you, you are
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the reason that you are single. Not because there’s something wrong with
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you, and not because you just haven’t met the right person yet, either,
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but because you’re not disrupting your status quo.
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You’re tolerating the hole in your life and the hole in your
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soul. You’re tolerating the truth that you’ve never been truly
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loved for all of who you are. You’re tolerating that.
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You’re tolerating that you’ve never been made a priority by
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somebody. You’re tolerating that you’ve never had someone fully get your
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back, someone you can rely on, your ride-or-die, someone who
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loves you even when you’re being an asshole, and someone who’s not going anywhere
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just because you had a bad fight. You’re tolerating living without
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that. And I get it, because it’s easier to tolerate than face
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the fear of going after it and possibly failing
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again, admitting that this is something that you want and it not
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happening. It’s easier to stay in your comfort zone, even
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if that zone is lonely, than to risk being
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rejected, disappointed, or hurt again.
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It’s easier to keep yourself busy with work and friends and hobbies
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and tell yourself that you’re fine. But you’re not fine, are you?
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It’s easier to put all your focus on the things that you’re good at in your life,
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the th- put your attention and your focus on what makes you feel significant
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and where you have mastery. Who wants to go do something that you don’t feel like
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you’re good at? Because let’s face it, when you haven’t dated in a long time or
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you’ve not been in an intimate relationship in a very long time, or
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ever, it’s not only scary to do so, but you probably just don’t
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even know how to do it.So, why would you put yourself in that
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situation? If you were fine, you wouldn’t be listening to this
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right now. Now, before you start spiraling into self-blame, or
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even get mad at me, hear me out. The fact
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that you are the problem here is the best news that I
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can give you, ’cause you know my favorite thing to say is, “If you’re the problem,
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then that also means you’re the solution.” You have the power to change
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this, right now, today. It does not have
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to be this way. This is a choice. You are your
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own biggest obstacle right now. You don’t have to
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spend another holiday season alone, another year watching everyone else
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find love while you’re still waiting for your turn.
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But it starts with you deciding to stop tolerating.
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Enough is enough. Stop normalizing it.
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Stop being fine with it when you’re not fine.
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Stop identifying as the single one or the, um, independent woman who doesn’t
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need anyone. Stop being comfortable with the dull ache in your
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chest, the distraction, the intrusive churning thoughts when
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you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and can’t fall back to sleep.
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“What’s wrong with me? Am I not lovable? What am I doing wrong?
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Maybe I should just give up. When will be- when will it be my turn?”
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All of those thoughts that keep you from falling back to sleep at night.
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Let me explain what I mean by this. All of this points to
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identity. You have now identified
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as the single woman, the woman who doesn’t get love, the
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woman who gets everything but love.
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You identify as a woman who’s always working on herself.
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You identify as a self-help junkie.
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You identify as a lifetime therapy goer.
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You identify as the fifth wheel. You identify as, “This is my
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lot in life. This is just the way it is for me.” This is
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identity, and the only way this is going to change for
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you is if you start doing identity work to change the way that you think
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about yourself, what you believe is possible for you, what you can
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expect for yourself, to start seeing yourself differently, as a
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woman who knows how to have a relationship, who believes it’s possible for
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her, who can have that in her life if she wants it.
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It’s a big deal to change your identity in this way.
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I’m going to give you a concrete example of identity and what this
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actually sounds like for somebody.
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Back when I had a therapy practice, I did psych evals for people who were about to
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have bariatric surgery,
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and people would get the okay, they would have the surgery.
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They would lose 100 pounds or more, and they would have a dramatic weight
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loss, a dramatic physical transformation.
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Sometimes, I didn’t even recognize them.
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But when they would come back to see me, you know what they would say?
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Things like, “I still feel like the fat girl in the room,
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Hillary.” That is identity. It’s
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not, uh, what you look like. It’s not what you’ve accomplished.
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It’s not your resume. It’s not your bank account.
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It’s not how you’ve put your life together on the outside.
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It’s not your FICO score or your Social Security number.
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Identity is how you think of yourself and
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how you feel about yourself. It’s your self-concept.
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And here’s the thing about identity.
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It has an upper limit built into it.
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You can only go so high in life before you bump
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up against your own ceiling, the ceiling you created
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based on what you believe is possible for you.
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If you want to go beyond that ceiling and achieve your next level of
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success or have some kind of goal or something new for
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yourself, you have to go first.
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You have to expand your capacity for
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more. You have to become the version of yourself who is
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capable of living outside of that comfort zone, of
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living an expanded life. Here’s a personal
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example. For four years, I tried to leave my therapy practice
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behind and go fully online, and I had some wins along the
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way, like being on The Steve Harvey Show as a relationship expert.
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I sold some programs, got featured in the media, but nothing was really
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sustainable enough for me to close the practice.
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So, I hired coaches. I joined programs.
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I tried every strategy. I did all the work.
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I did all the things I was supposed to be doing.
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I was hustling and grinding and working my ass off because I wanted it so
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badly, but nothing was working, and you know
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why? Because the problem wasn’t out there.
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It wasn’t the strategy or the market.
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It wasn’t the timing. It wasn’t the coach or their- what they were
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teaching me. The problem was in here.
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It was inside of me. I had a belief problem.
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I had an identity problem. Deep down, I
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discovered that I believed everyone else can have this big success,
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but not me. I don’t have what it takes.
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That kind of success isn’t for me, and that belief went all
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the way back to things that I experienced when I was growing up.
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So, who I was being was the problem.
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I was doing everything right on the outside, but I was doing it all with the
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belief that it wasn’t really possible for me.
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It’s like playing soccer and dribbling the ball all the way down the field
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trying to score, only to then play defense against myself
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and kick the ball away at the very last second.
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I was blocking myself. You are blocking
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yourself from the thing that you want.
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The instant I recognized that lingering limiting belief,
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I knew how to fix it because that’s what I do, and I obliterated
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it. And the very next month, I closed my practice for good and
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enrolled 14 women into my program, and we’ve grown month after
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month, year after year, to an eight-figure company that’s
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been able to help thousands of women.
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But none of that could have happened until I became the
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version of me who knew it could happen, who believed
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I was capable of it, and I stopped seeing myself as
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somebody struggling to make it happen.
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I stopped seeing myself as a therapist in private practice,
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and I started seeing myself as an CEO of an
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online…… company coaching women.
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I had to be that version. I had to expand my
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identity first. I had to see it, visualize it,
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expect it, and raise my energetic frequency.
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That’ll, would allow me to attract and manifest what it is that I
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wanted. And this is what’s happening with you and your love life.
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It’s not about doing more. You’ve already done so
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much. It’s about who you are being.
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Who you are being is what’s keeping you stuck.
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And you can go on all the dates, and you can work on yourself, and you can try all
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the strategies and do time with your therapist week after
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week, but if deep down you don’t believe you’re the
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woman who gets to have love, if you don’t see yourself as
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someone who is loved and cherished and adored,
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nothing you do will work because you will sabotage
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it. You will pick the wrong guy. You’ll push the right one away.
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You’ll stay in your comfort zone where it’s safe to be single and, and not
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step out of your turtle shell. You’ll stay in your little cocoon.
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You have to do the identity work on yourself first
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before you’ll be able to let love in.
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You have to become the woman who knows, not hopes, not
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wishes, but knows that love is available to
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her, that she’s worthy of it, and that she can have it,
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and that is an inside job. Here’s what I know after 25 years
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of doing this work, after helping thousands of women just like you.
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The women who find love, they are not lucky.
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They are not in the right place at the right time.
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They’re not better than you, prettier, smarter, more successful, anything
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more than you. They’re the ones who stopped tolerating.
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They made themselves and their love life a priority,
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not someday, not when the kitchen remodel is done or when work slows
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down. They made themselves a priority now, in
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the moment, and they were willing to do the inner work to shift
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their identity. They started seeing themselves as the woman who can have
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this, who does live this life. And that’s exactly
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what we do at Ready for Love. We help high-achieving women like you
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stop tolerating a life with everything but love.
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We help you shift your identity from, “I’m still single.
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I’m the single one who, who doesn’t get to have love,” to,
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“I’m the woman who attracts and keeps extraordinary love.” We help you heal the
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wounds that have you tolerating less than you deserve, and we help you build an
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unshakable relationship with yourself so you can finally
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let someone in. And we help you do it without
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changing who you are, without playing games, and without pretending to be
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someone that you’re not. The right man doesn’t want you to be smaller or
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quieter or less. He wants you, all of you,
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exactly as you are. But you do first have to believe that you are
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worthy of it and capable of it and to stop
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tolerating anything less. So let me ask you,
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how many more holiday seasons are you going to tolerate being
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single? How many more years are you going to let pass by while you wait
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for your life to start? How long are you going to live with this
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burning he- in your chest? Because time doesn’t stop,
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and nothing changes until you change it.
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The new year is coming, another year, another
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chance, but this time please make it different.
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If you’re ready, really ready, to make yourself and your love life
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the priority, watch my free master class.
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I’m sharing the exact four-step method that I’ve been using with thousands of
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women since 2017 to help them attract the love they’ve been dreaming
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of. Go to readyforloveinc.com/masterclass.
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Or if you’re ready to talk about working together, apply for a
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free breakthrough call with my team.
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We will talk about where you are, where you wanna be, and how we can help you
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get there. Go to
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readyforloveinc.com/apply. But
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don’t wait. Whatever you do, don’t wait.
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Do not tolerate another year of this.
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You deserve more, and it’s waiting for you. Thanks for being here.
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I’ll see you next time.
