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Situationship, it’s such a fun word to say, right?
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It’s trendy and hip and and almost cool.
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Saying that you’re in one means
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that you’re modern and evolved.
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You’re too secure to need a label too independent
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to care about definitions.
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But as a therapist, master coach,
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and relationship expert of 25 years, I have
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to call b******t.
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When I hear a woman say she’s in her situationship,
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I hear something completely different and my heart sinks
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because I know what it actually means
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and it is not cool at all.
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So today I’m sharing four reasons, the truth about
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what a situationship really is
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and why staying in one is costing you
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way more than you realize.
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Most of us know what a situationship is,
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and if not, you can kind of just deduce it from the name.
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It’s something romantic or sexual,
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but not quite a real relationship.
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It’s not formal or established.
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It’s not official committed
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or even public in some cases it can be anything from a
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secret affair to an on, again, off again, half in,
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half out thing to a friends with benefits situation
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or what I like to call an fb, whatever it is.
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The common thread is that the terms
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and conditions are undefined and unclear either
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because you haven’t actually discussed it.
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No real conversation has actually happened.
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One or both people are avoiding the topic on purpose
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because it’s uncomfortable or scary
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or they just don’t know how
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to have this kind of conversation.
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They are look lacking clarity on what they want
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or the skills to handle it, whatever it is.
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The common thread is that the terms
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and conditions are undefined and unclear, and that’s
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because of a couple different reasons, either
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because you haven’t actually discussed it.
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No real conversation has happened about it.
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And I’ll we’ll get to the next one in a second.
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But this is because one
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or both people are avoiding the topic on purpose.
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It can be uncomfortable or scary
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or they just don’t know how to have this kind of kind
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of conversation or they’re just lacking clarity on
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what they want or they don’t have the skills
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to handle the situation at all.
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So common examples are dating someone for three months
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and then you just start having sex,
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but never really talk about exclusivity
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and being in a relationship.
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And then you find out that the guy’s dating another woman at
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the same time or this one you’ve known each other
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or have been friends for a long time
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and you just kind of slide into a sexual relationship
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without ever really talking about your feelings
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or what’s happening between you
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or you’re in a relationship with somebody sort of,
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but his ex or his kids
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or his situation just keeps you from being fully integrated
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into his life or his ex or his kids
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or some other reason he’s unable
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to integrate you into his life publicly.
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You don’t even know what is going on,
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but you keep going anyway.
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Or the other reason you did discuss your relationship status
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and it was decided to keep it unlabeled and undefined.
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A kind of just, let’s just see
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where this goes kind of situation.
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So here are my reasons, my take on all of this crap
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that is not even cool in the least reason.
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Number one, the word situationship makes you think
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that you’re not in a relationship, but you are.
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Here’s what I want you to understand.
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Having a cute word for something doesn’t make it cute.
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Calling it a situationship doesn’t change
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what it actually is.
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You are in a relationship. Make no mistake about it.
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You are in a real relationship, just a really bad one.
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And the word situationship lets you pretend that you’re not.
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It’s like lipstick on a pig.
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It lets you tell yourself, well,
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it’s not a real relationship.
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So the normal rules don’t apply, but that’s a lie.
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You are romantically involved with someone, you’re sleeping
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with them, you have feelings for them.
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They take up space in your life, your time, your mental
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and emotional energy.
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See, that is a relationship.
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I have a relationship with my male carrier.
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I have a relationship with my neighbor.
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These are all relationships and they have boundaries
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and expectations and parameters, okay?
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And what you are in it is a relationship too with someone
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that you are intimate with, someone
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who affects you emotionally.
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But calling it a situationship creates this illusion
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that it’s something other than a relationship,
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something undefined, something fluid, something that exists
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outside the normal rules of
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how we treat people that we care about.
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And that’s dangerous
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because once you convince yourself it’s not a real
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relationship, you tolerate things
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that you would never tolerate in a real relationship.
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No commitment, fine. It’s just a situation she no clarity.
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Sure, that’s okay. We’re keeping it casual.
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He’s dating other people.
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Well, we never defined it, so I guess it’s okay.
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But here’s the truth. If you were in a relationship,
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a real relationship in your mind,
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and he was doing these things, you’d see it for what it is.
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You’d see it as disrespectful, as unacceptable,
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as a relationship that doesn’t honor you.
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But the word itself legitimizes all of that unofficial crap
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and makes an off the record
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or even toxic relationship sound like a lifestyle choice.
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And it has you staying way longer than you should
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because you keep telling yourself it’s
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not a real relationship.
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Anyway. So again, listen to me. It is real.
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The feelings are real. The time you are investing is real.
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The regret that you have when you realize
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how much time you spent in it is real,
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and the hurt that you are going
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to feel when it falls apart, that’s real too.
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So stop lying to yourself.
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Stop using a word
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that makes something unhealthy, sound acceptable.
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Call it what it actually is.
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You are in a relationship and it’s not a good one
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because once you call it that,
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and once you stop hiding behind the cute word,
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you’ll see it clearly for what it actually is.
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And then you can decide, is this a relationship
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or a situation I want to be in?
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The answer is probably no Reason. Number two, situation.
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Ships create anxiety and someone always gets hurt.
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So here’s what happens when you’re in a situation ship,
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you don’t know where you stand,
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you’re living in a constant state of uncertainty
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and that causes anxiety.
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Real, physical, exhausting, anxiety,
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dating is already full of unknowns.
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It’s already vulnerable and scary as it is,
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but refusing to just define the relationship
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makes it exponentially worse
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because now you’re always wondering, always guessing,
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always reading into things and making assumptions.
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What’s he thinking? When will I hear from him?
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What is he doing when we’re not together?
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Should I reach out or wait?
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Should I go out with someone else? Or is that cheating?
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Is he going out with someone else?
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Should I stay or should I go? Am I in or am I out?
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You’re waiting for him to decide, waiting
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for the other shoe to drop.
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It’s pure crazy making. And here’s the reality.
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Just because you’re sleeping with someone doesn’t mean
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that they’re not allowed to sleep with someone else
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unless you make that rule.
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But in a situationship, there are no rules. What?
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That’s the whole point of it, right?
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You’re keeping it loose and undefined.
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So you have expectations, but no agreement.
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You have assumptions, but no clarity.
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And that gap is where people get hurt.
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You’re setting yourselves up for hurt.
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Think about it this way, imagine that you’re playing a sport
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and there’s no rules, no boundaries,
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no agreement on what’s allowed.
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It would be chaos. It would strip away the entire
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purpose of the game.
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No one would even know if they’re winning or losing.
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No one would know what’s fair or foul.
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And that’s exactly what a situationship is.
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Chaos disguised as freedom.
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Someone always gets hurt because someone always cares more.
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Someone always ends up wanting more.
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And without a container, without clear terms
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and mutual agreement, you’re just waiting
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for the inevitable crash.
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And in the meantime, living in this limbo land
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is excruciating.
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This constant state of uncertainty means
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that your nervous system never gets to be calm and relaxed.
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You never feel safe, and you never feel secure.
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And that is just not love,
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that is not connection, it’s torture.
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It is not a healthy relationship at all.
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So everyone just needs to stop pretending.
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Undefined is the same as free. It’s not.
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It is just a setup for heartbreak.
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Reason number three, situation ships.
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It’s really just self betrayal and deep down, you know it.
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So here’s the question I want you to ask yourself.
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Is this really what you want?
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Or is this just what you are accepting?
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Because there’s a massive difference.
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Wanting something casual, something undefined, something
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with no strings is a choice.
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And if that’s genuinely what you want, great, own it.
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But here’s what I see most of the time, women
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who want commitment, but settle for ambiguity
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because they’re afraid if they ask for more,
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he’ll leave women who want a relationship
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but accept a situationship
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because they think it’s better than nothing.
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Women who want to be chosen
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but stay in limbo hoping he’ll eventually decide they’re
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worth committing to and he’ll pick her.
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That is not a choice. That is self betrayal.
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And I know that deep down you know it
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and you can definitely feel it.
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You know you want more, you know you deserve more.
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You know this is not what you signed up for,
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but you’re staying anyway because you’re afraid.
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Afraid of being alone, afraid of losing him, afraid
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that if you ask for what you actually want,
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you end up with nothing at all.
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So you tell yourself these stories that I’m being cool
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and chill and I’m going with the flow.
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I don’t wanna put pressure on him.
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Maybe if I’m patient, he’ll get ready
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and he’ll be ready eventually.
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But let me tell you this,
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what’s really happening is you are abandoning yourself
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and betraying yourself
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and your choosing his comfort over your needs.
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You’re hoping that he’ll just change his mind.
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You’re waiting for him to be ready.
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You’re giving him time to decide if you’re worth it.
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And in the meantime, you’re just sacrificing
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what you actually want.
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Your peace, your security, your self-respect
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and your dignity, that is not love.
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That’s not even close.
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It’s settling and it’s costing you everything.
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Every day that you stay in a situationship is a day you are
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telling yourself you are not worth more.
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Every time you accept less than what you want,
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you reinforce the belief that this is all you can get
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and it’s all you deserve.
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Every moment you spend waiting for him to choose you,
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you are choosing him over yourself.
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And when you’re all tangled up in a situationship,
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you are not open for something real to come into your life.
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So stop lying to yourself.
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Stop calling it going with the flow.
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When you’re actually drowning, stop pretending
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that you’re okay with this when you’re not.
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You want commitment, you want clarity.
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You want someone who’s sure about you.
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And if he’s not that, if he’s not willing to give you
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what you need, then he’s not your person.
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And staying will not change that. So one more time.
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Is this what you really want
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or are you just afraid of what happens if you walk away?
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And finally, reason number four, which is kind
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of the most eye-opening and disruptive of them all,
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and I love this situation.
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Ships are a hiding place for you.
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This is the part nobody talks about.
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Sometimes you’re not in a situation ship
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because he won’t commit.
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You are in a situation ship because you won’t
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or can’t, not consciously at least.
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But deep down, because here’s what situation,
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ships give you an excuse not to go all in, an excuse not
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to be vulnerable, an excuse not to risk real intimacy.
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You get to keep one foot out the door.
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You get to protect yourself.
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You get to avoid the terrifying reality
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of actually being seen, chosen, and loved.
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And when it inevitably falls apart, you get
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to tell yourself it wasn’t real anyway.
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It was just a situationship.
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I wasn’t that invested, but you were, and you know it.
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And to deny it is emotional bypassing
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and completely dismissive of yourself.
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So here’s what I’ve learned.
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After 25 years of working with women, the women
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who end up in situation ships aren’t just victims
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of emotionally available men.
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Often they’re emotionally unavailable themselves.
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They are afraid of intimacy.
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They are afraid of losing themselves, afraid of getting
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what they actually want,
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because being that vulnerable is terrifying.
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Maybe you watched your parents’ marriage fall apart.
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Maybe you’ve been hurt or betrayed before.
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Maybe you don’t actually believe that you’re worthy of love.
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So you hide out in situation Chip, you tell yourself
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that you want commitment, but you choose
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men who can’t give it to you.
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You say that you’re ready for a relationship,
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but you stay with someone who keeps you at arms length
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because that’s safer.
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It’s safer to be with someone who won’t fully let you in
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because then you don’t have to fully let them in either.
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It’s safer to stay in ambiguity
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because then you never have to face the fear
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of true intimacy.
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It’s safer to settle for crumbs
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because then you never have
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to risk being rejected When you ask for the whole meal.
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Ships aren’t just about what he won’t give you.
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They’re about what you won’t give yourself permission
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to want it to ask for to require.
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So ask yourself this.
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Are you really upset that he won’t commit?
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Or are you relieved?
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Are you really waiting for him to be ready?
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Or are you hiding behind this unavailability
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so you don’t have to face your own?
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Are you really in this situationship because of him or
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because it protects you from having
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to show up fully yourself?
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That’s the hard truth. It’s easy
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to point the finger at the men being the problem,
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but we attract who we are, like attracts like,
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and you are getting something out of this, my friend,
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something that is not in your own best interest,
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and until you’re willing to see it, you’re going
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to keep ending up in the same place.
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Situation. Ships aren’t just bad relationships.
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They’re hiding places,
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and you can’t build real love from a place of hiding.
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So stop blaming him for not stepping up
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and start asking yourself why you are
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not stepping up either.
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That is the real work for you.
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You in this situation are your own biggest obstacle.
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Here you are your own worst enemy blocking what it is
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that you do really want.
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Deep down the moment that you’re ready to be fully seen
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and fully vulnerable
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and all in, you won’t tolerate a situation ship anymore.
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You will require real commitment, real clarity,
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real partnership, and you’ll be willing
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to walk away from anything less.
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That’s when everything changes.
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That is my honest take on situation.
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Ships literally stop using the word because it isn’t cute.
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It is self-deception
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and to not be in one at all, no matter your issues,
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it’s just not good for you in any way.
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This is not how a high value,
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high vibe woman operates in her life.
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You’re either in or you’re out.
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Know who you are, know what you want,
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and never, ever settle for anything less.
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You’re either all in or just get the f**k out.
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You can always count on me to tell you the truth
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and say what needs to be said.
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No one wants to be lied to. I’ve got your back, sister.
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Thanks for listening.
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If this hit home, share it
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with someone who needs to hear it.
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And if you’re ready to stop hiding, stop settling
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and start building the kind of real committed,
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00:15:43.555 –> 00:15:45.485
healthy relationship that you actually want,
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we can help Check out what we do at Ready for love inc.com.
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We have everything from self-study courses to high touch,
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00:15:52.655 –> 00:15:54.165
elite level coaching programs
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to support you at whatever level you
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need or want for yourself.
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I hope you’ll let us help you.
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You don’t have to figure this out on your own.
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See you next time.
