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Today we’re talking about something.
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A lot of people do something that is incredibly damaging
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to themselves and to their relationships,
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but it’s very subtle.
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In fact, many of you listening right now could be doing this
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to some degree and don’t even realize it.
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Or maybe you do realize it,
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but you don’t know how to stop doing it,
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or you even think that it’s a strength
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that helps you navigate the world.
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But I’m going to tell you,
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doing this is actually destroying your ability
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to experience real love
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and real connection in all of your relationships.
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So let’s get into it.
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Okay, So what am I talking about?
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On the surface, it’s caring what other people think
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of you wanting to be liked
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and accepted to the degree that you perform or edit yourself
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and act like a chameleon, a shapeshifter, as I call it.
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So you meet a man you’re interested in
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and he has a real potential.
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So you get a spark of excitement and hope
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and you’re on a first date or a few dates in,
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and you’re turning on the charm.
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You’re agreeing with him even if you don’t actually agree,
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you’re downplaying parts of yourself
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that you think might be too much
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and wonder what he likes in a woman I once had a client ask
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me, I wonder what kind of woman that guy likes?
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Or maybe you’re in a relationship and you care take
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or you accommodate his family to keep the peace
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or win them over.
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And this looks like doing things you don’t really wanna do.
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Going out of your way to impress them with generosity
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or being thoughtful or even carefully curating
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what you say and how you say.
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Or maybe it’s with groups of women, his friends’ wives,
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your book club, meeting new women.
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Maybe you don’t fully trust them
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or you want to fit in and belong.
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So you bend or dilute yourself.
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If you’re thinking, oh, that’s not me,
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I’m just being considerate.
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I’m just reading the room. Stick with me.
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Because what you are thinking as being slow to warm up,
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as some women say, might actually be one of the worst forms
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of self betrayal.
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Here’s what I want you to understand.
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There is a difference between social intelligence
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and completely abandoning yourself to win favor.
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One is an art and a skill,
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and the other is destroying your relationships
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from the inside out.
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So let’s go behind the scenes into the psychology
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of why you do this, or some people do this
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because there are deep subconscious patterns
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that drive this behavior.
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And then most importantly,
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I’m giving you the real talk truth that you need to hear
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to finally stop performing
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and start being yourself all the time no matter who you’re
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with because that’s the only way real love
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and true genuine connection is possible.
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So what’s really going on here?
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Why do smart, successful, amazing women do this?
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From a psychological perspective,
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this behavior stems from a core wound
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around worthiness and belonging.
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Usually in childhood, you learned that love
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and acceptance were conditional, that you had
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to be a certain way, say certain things,
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perform in a certain manner to be worthy of love.
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Maybe you had a volatile parent
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and you learned to read their moods
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and become whoever you needed to be to fly under the radar.
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You made yourself small or invisible to stay safe.
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Maybe you had a critical parent
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and you learned that only the good
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or successful parts of you were acceptable
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and worthy of acknowledging maybe you experienced rejection,
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abandonment, or neglect,
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and you internalized the message
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that the real you wasn’t enough
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or deserving of love or attention.
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This can come from moving around a lot
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and needing to make new friends.
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In those critical teen years, those kinds
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of early experiences inform us
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and teach us who to be, how to be what to be.
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And it becomes deeply embedded in our beliefs
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and our narratives about who we are.
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It’s our identity.
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And so you developed this survival strategy
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and it goes something like this.
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Figure out what they want, become that,
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get approval and stay safe.
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And it worked. You survived, right?
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As a kid, it kept you safe.
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It helped you navigate unpredictable or unsafe environments.
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It helped you get your needs met at the time.
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But now, as an adult,
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that same strategy is no longer serving you
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and it’s actually sabotaging your relationships.
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What you’re doing is seeking external validation
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to fill an internal void.
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You are trying to get other people to confirm
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that you’re worthy enough and acceptable,
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but of course, this never works to actually fill the void
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because even when they do approve of you,
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even when they do like you, you know deep down
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that they don’t actually know the real you.
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So the approval that you’re getting doesn’t even count.
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It doesn’t land, it doesn’t satisfy.
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It’s that itch deep down that just cannot be scratched,
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A thirst that cannot be quenched.
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You are still starving no matter
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how much you feed the emptiness from the outside
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and you’re left feeling lonely even when you’re surrounded
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by people, you’re not good enough despite all outward
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appearances of success.
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Because in your desperate search for external validation,
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for acceptance, for approval, for belonging,
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you abandoned yourself in the process.
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You literally leave yourself behind just to fit in.
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So I have a visual for you. Imagine this scene.
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The real you is standing there on the street
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and this other version of you, the performed.
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You walks away from the real you to be part of the in crowd,
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leaving you standing there betrayed and left behind.
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You are doing that to yourself.
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You are choosing the approval of others over being loyal
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to yourself, being true to you, and getting your own back.
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You’re seeking their approval over your
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own approval of yourself.
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All the external validation in the world
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won’t satiate that hunger.
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Only you can do that for yourself.
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And when you do, when you finally give yourself the
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acceptance and the belonging
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that you’ve been seeking from everyone else,
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the starvation ceases to exist.
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The scavenging for scraps and crumbs from others ends.
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So listen to me right now. You already belong.
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You always have because you belong to yourself.
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You belong anywhere you want to be
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because it is inside of you
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and all that you seek is already inside of you.
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You just have to claim it, choose it and declare it.
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It just has to be done by you or the chasing will never end.
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And if all of that isn’t enough to motivate you
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to work on changing this pattern, maybe the fallout
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and the consequences will,
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because the costs of doing this are very high.
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First, it causes profound loneliness.
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Loneliness at the soul level.
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You can be surrounded by a room full of people
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who are your friends or people that think know you.
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But when you’ve never been truly witnessed
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or seen for who you really are,
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that is a soul level loneliness.
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You’re never seen for who you really are,
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only the false projected you, the you, you want everyone
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to see because that version of you is the one
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that they like and accept.
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You might have relationships
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and you might be surrounded by the people,
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but you’re still lonely
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because no one actually knows the real you.
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Second, it causes anxiety
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because you can’t possibly know
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what everyone wants from you all the time.
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So you’re always guessing
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and worrying about who you need to be at any given moment
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to please each different person in your life
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or whoever crosses your path.
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This means you have no certainty or calm in your life
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because you’re always on alert trying to figure out what
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to do or how to be.
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Third, it’s a distraction.
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You can’t just be present and just be yourself
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because you’re constantly in your head analyzing
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and thinking about who you need
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to be rather than just being.
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You’re not able to be just fully engaged in the moment.
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You’re not fully there
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because you’re too busy trying
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to figure it out and performing.
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Fourth, your relationships are built on a facade,
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a faulty foundation that is the lie of
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who you’ve misrepresented yourself to be.
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I know that’s a big pill to swallow, but it’s true.
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It’s only a matter of time before it all crumbles
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and comes crashing to the ground
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because how long can you keep that up?
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The foundation is full of cracks.
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And even when someone says they love you,
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you don’t fully trust it
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because you know they don’t actually know you.
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They love the version you’ve shown them, not the real you.
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So you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop,
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always worried that if they saw the real you, they’d leave.
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Fifth, you actually end up creating the very rejection you
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are so desperately trying to avoid
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because most people can sniff out this inauthenticity.
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And when you have something to hide,
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you won’t let anyone close for fear that they’ll see.
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You’re not who you’re pretending to be.
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I know that’s a mouthful, but take that in.
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So you keep people at arms length
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and you never let them in fully,
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and that distance contributes to unfulfilling relationships,
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and that leads to affairs
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and all kinds of other problems in relationships,
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including their demise.
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So do you see the irony, the thing that you’re doing
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to protect yourself from rejection is the very thing
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that’s guaranteeing it.
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Here’s something most people don’t realize
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that they’re doing mind reading.
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You think you can read minds, you walk into a situation,
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a date, a family dinner, a group of women,
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and you immediately start assessing
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what do they want from me?
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What will they approve of?
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What will they reject, what do they like?
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And then you adjust accordingly.
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When I say it like that, it makes perfect sense.
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Of course, you’re not actually reading minds,
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you’re just projecting, you’re guessing,
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and you’re making assumptions based on your own fears
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and insecurities.
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And then you’re shape shifting
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based on those assumptions which may not even be accurate.
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They’re not even real.
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So now you’re not just being inauthentic.
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You’re being inauthentic based on a story
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that you made up in your own head.
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See how much more troubling
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and destructive this issue is
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so much more than most people realize,
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and it’s why we are talking about it today.
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So let’s knock it off and stop doing this.
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Here is what you need to understand to stop performing
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and start just being yourself.
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One, you cannot control what other people think of you
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and trying to is manipulation.
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I know that’s hard to hear, but it is true.
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When you are carefully curating your words, your opinions,
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your personality to get someone to like you, you are
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actually manipulating them
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and the outcome you’re trying to control, their perception
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of you, and you just simply cannot, nor should you even try.
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People are gonna think what they’re gonna think,
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and the only thing that you can control is who you are
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and how you show up.
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Two, you’re placing more value on their opinion
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of you than on your own.
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Why do you care so much about what his mother thinks of you
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or what those women at book club think?
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Why does their approval matter more than your own
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approval of yourself?
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This is the real issue as we talked about,
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you’ve externalized you sense of worth.
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You’ve made other people the arbiters
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of whether you are good enough.
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But here’s the truth. Your opinion
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of you matters more than anyone else’s opinion of you.
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Let me say that again. Your opinion of you matters
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more than anyone else’s opinion of you.
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In fact, your opinion
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of you is the only one that matters at all.
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Three, when you’re just being yourself,
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not everyone will like you,
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and you have to be okay with that.
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This is the hard truth that a lot of people struggle with,
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and you have to accept this.
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Not everyone is gonna like you.
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And that is not only okay, it’s necessary
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because when you’re trying to appeal to everyone,
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you appeal to no one.
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The people who are meant for you, who resonate
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with the real you, they’ll find you.
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They will love you, and they will choose you
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and the people who don’t.
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Were never your people anyway.
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Four, real love
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and connection is only possible when you’re being yourself.
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I know this sounds very basic and true,
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but it needs to be stated again and again.
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If you want a man to truly love you, he has
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to actually know you, not the performance,
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not the edited version, the real you.
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And if you want his family to accept you, they need
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to see the real you, not the shapeshift perfect version.
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If you want friendships with women, you have
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to show up authentically, not as the chameleon.
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But here’s what’s even scarier.
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Living your entire life, performing for approval
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and never experiencing real love,
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that would be the biggest waste and shame of all five.
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The relationship that you need
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to fix is the one you have with yourself.
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This isn’t actually about other people at all.
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It is about you.
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It’s about the relationship you have with yourself,
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how you think about yourself, how you feel about yourself,
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what you believe about yourself.
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When you truly like and accept yourself.
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When you know your own worth,
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you stop needing external validation and you stop performing
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because you’re no longer trying to prove anything.
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You can just be and that is enough.
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So the work here isn’t about learning how to care less
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what other people think.
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Instead, it’s about learning how to value your own opinion
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of yourself more.
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It’s about healing the core wound
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that says you’re not enough as you are.
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That there’s a different way to be, to be acceptable.
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It’s about building an unshakeable sense of self-worth
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that doesn’t depend on anyone else’s approval.
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That is the real work.
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So what does it actually look like to stop performing
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and start being yourself?
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It looks like going on a date
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and sharing your real opinions,
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even if they’re different from his,
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it looks like meeting his family
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and being your normal, expressive self.
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Even if you’re worried, they will think you are too much.
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Let it all hang out and let the chips fall where they may.
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It looks like walking into a room of women
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and not immediately calculating who you need to be
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to fit into this group.
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It looks like saying, actually, I disagree.
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It looks like not laughing at jokes that aren’t funny.
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It looks like wearing what you wanna wear, not
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what you think they’ll approve of,
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or what’s acceptable to the group.
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It looks like not laughing at jokes that aren’t funny.
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It looks like wearing what you want to wear
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that makes you feel amazing, not
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what you think they will approve of.
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It looks like trusting that the people who are meant
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for you will like you as you are.
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And yes, some people won’t like you
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and some people will even judge you,
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but those are the people that we don’t care about anyway.
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And also some people, the right people will fall
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madly in love with all of who you are.
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Quirks and all, thanks for listening today.
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See you next time.
