Where Are All The Good Men? (Why Some Women Find Them & You Don’t)

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You’re beautiful, successful, self-aware,

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and are doing your best to put yourself out there.

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But the men you’re meeting are either not at your level,

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professionally, intellectually, or financially,

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or they have problems

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or issues that make them unable to commit, unavailable

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or incapable of being a true equal partner for you.

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If he does check some of your boxes,

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you’re either not attracted to him,

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or when you do finally find someone

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that you’re excited about,

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he doesn’t pursue you and disappears.

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I know this is so frustrating, disheartening,

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and exhausting,

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and it leaves you thinking there are no good men left.

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Where are all the good men?

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If this sounds like you or someone that you know

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because who doesn’t have a friend who’s out there dating in

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their forties, fifties, and sixties,

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this episode is for you.

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I’m gonna help you see that there are plenty of good men

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who want the same thing that you do

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and why you’re not meeting them, so

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that you can quickly shift your approach

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and be amazed when all the great men start coming your way.

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Welcome back, and if you’re new here, I’m Hillary Silver,

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former clinical therapist turned master coach of 25 years.

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I closed my practice in 2017

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and launched Ready for Love, which is one of the most sought

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after and successful love coaching programs in the world

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for high achieving women, women who have tried everything

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and nothing has worked.

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If you’re ready to learn more, check out my free masterclass

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where I share our proven four step method

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that has helped over 3000 women with a 98% success rate.

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The link is in the description.

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You’re not wrong for wanting a partner at your level.

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You want someone who gets you, who you’re actually attracted

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to, someone who has his life together like you do,

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and someone who can take care of you as much

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as you take care of him.

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It’s not too much to ask.

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You don’t wanna settle, but you’re starting

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to question if you’re being unreasonable or too picky.

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You’ve got friends in great relationships,

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so clearly some women are finding these great guys,

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so why aren’t you getting so lucky?

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Every time you hear of another woman who met a great guy?

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It’s more evidence that it just isn’t happening for you.

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I know it may feel like there’s a super secret hiding place

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like an underground speakeasy

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that only certain special people know about that you’ve not

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yet discovered or been invited to,

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that you’re not in the know.

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This is why women are sucked into getting a matchmaker.

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Just let someone else find him for you.

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I know you want the answer to be that simple.

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Just tell me where to go to find these men.

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Where are they hiding out? Hillary?

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For the love of God, just tell me where to find them.

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I get it. I honestly do and I feel it for you.

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But here’s the thing, my loves.

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I’m not gonna tell you what you wanna hear.

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I’m going to tell you what you need to hear.

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The truth that no one else in your life will tell you,

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not your friends, not your family, or even your therapist.

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Actually, you may not like it and you may resist it

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because you want the easy fix.

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You want the quick fix.

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You want the answer to be that they are just a click away

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or they’re just hiding out in the one place

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that once you discover it,

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it will be like the land of milk and honey.

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But I hope that you will really hear what I have

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to say today because it will open up everything

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for you if you are willing to just take it in.

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The truth is healthy masculine men are everywhere hiding in

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plain sight, living among us, and if you do listen to me

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and really take it in, you’re going

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to start experiencing good men all around you.

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When dating like all things in life, there is

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what you are doing and there is

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who you are when you’re doing it, doing and being.

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I know you’re going through all the motions

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and putting yourself out there, but here are three reasons.

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You are not attracting the good men first, you’re dating

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with limiting beliefs and stuck mindsets.

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You can’t want to meet an amazing man

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and simultaneously be thinking

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that all the good men are taken

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and you can’t want to have love

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and believe that it’s only a matter of time

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before it ends waiting for the disappointment

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and for the other shoe to drop.

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And you can’t want a truly equal partner

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and think that all men are intimidated

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by your strength and success.

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In other words, you get what you expect

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and dating while you have these thoughts in your head

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and these beliefs deep down in your subconscious is like

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playing defense against yourself.

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You’re not open to it at all.

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It’s like you’re walking around with the closed

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for business sign over your head, wanting men

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to approach you, but also simultaneously sending the message

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that if they do approach you, you’ll scratch their eyes out.

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It’s a vibe for sure.

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No one signs up for a marathon knowing

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that they’re not gonna finish

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and no one buys a lottery ticket thinking

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that they’re not gonna win.

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You’re done before you’ve even started.

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So you might as well just stop dating completely

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until you are ready to work on your mindset,

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reprogram your beliefs around this,

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or you’ll only just continue to create the evidence

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that all of this is true.

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Second, you say you want love,

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but you’re also afraid of intimacy and getting close.

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And some of you are gonna nod your head with what I’m about

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to say and others will deny this,

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but fear is a driving force here.

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So just hear me out.

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I have asked this question

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to nearly 8,000 women in the last eight years,

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from executives to neurosurgeons, to educators.

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When you think about the dream man that you wanna be with,

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he climbs out of his nice car.

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He’s dressed just the way that you like him to look.

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He’s handsome, he’s strong and secure and healthy,

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and he has his life together like you do.

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This is a man who doesn’t need anything from you.

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He just wants to be with you

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and you have to let him in all the way in.

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You have to drop your wall

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and let him see all of you, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

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What is your biggest fear about being vulnerable like that?

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99% of the women have said some variation of this statement.

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If I let him in

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and see all of who I am, he won’t like

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what he sees and he will leave.

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It’s a fear of rejection or abandonment,

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and what we make that mean is I’m not good enough.

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I’m not lovable, I’m not worthy or deserving.

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If you believe that you are not good enough

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for the good guys, then who do you think you will attract,

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engage with and ultimately pick?

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That’s right. The guys who are not at your level,

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who don’t have the power to actually hurt you if they leave

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those who won’t challenge you out of your comfort zone

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and make you feel so uncomfortable and scared.

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Some women say fear of losing myself, fear of engulfment.

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And some women say they fear it will never happen,

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but the majority of women are afraid of being too much

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or not enough, which are as actually just too sides

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of the same coin, that something is wrong with me as I am,

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that I’m not lovable.

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Can you see how this deep subconscious

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stuff can get in the way?

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This makes you your own biggest obstacle?

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And if you’re not willing to get close to somebody,

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you’ll hold them out at a distance.

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Be aloof, be guarded, be people pleasing.

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It just creates all kind of behavior

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that subconsciously protects you from being hurt.

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But this is what repels the good men that you want

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because those men, the good men that you want, want a woman

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who isn’t afraid of being vulnerable

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and who actually knows

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that she is good enough just the way she is.

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And finally, the third way that you are repelling,

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the good guys is super sneaky.

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You’ve done an amazing job working on

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yourself on the outside.

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Most women we talk to say, I take good care of myself

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and I look 10 years younger than I am.

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I’m super active and I don’t act my age,

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and they’ve also climbed the ladder

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and they invest in nice clothes or the Manny’s and petties

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or all the aesthetics, all that external stuff.

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But internally, it’s another story.

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Your inner world can be a very unkind

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and harsh place the way you talk to yourself.

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Okay, so maybe you’re hard on yourself,

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maybe you have a mean inner critic

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and you can’t give yourself a damn break.

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You’re very critical of yourself,

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and nothing you do is actually good enough for you.

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You doubt yourself, question yourself

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or second guess yourself

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and criticize yourself to know end, okay,

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and you don’t trust yourself, which causes anxiety

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and overthinking and overanalyzing and overwhelm

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and caring too much about what other people think of you.

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So while you look the part of a high value woman on the

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outside, you’re not actually being a high value woman,

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not on the inside,

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because this is not how a high value woman treats herself

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and talks to herself and feels this way about herself.

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So take that in for just a minute,

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and here is where it matters.

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When you’re dating like attracts like.

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Our relationships are a mirror for us reflecting back

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to us who we are.

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So as long as you have this dysfunctional relationship

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with yourself, it’s actually quite toxic

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and abusive to be honest.

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As long as you have these thoughts in your head

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and feel this way about yourself, you will attract men

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who also feel this way about themselves.

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It looks like what it does for you in all of these ways,

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and it looks like what it does

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for the men in all of their ways.

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You just can’t fake it, and you cannot bypass this.

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The only way to the other side is straight through.

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So here’s the bottom line.

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It doesn’t matter who you are meeting as much as it matters

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who you are being.

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You think it’s about finding the right man,

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but it’s about becoming the woman who’s

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ready to receive him.

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And right now, you might think there are only two options.

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Door number one, keep repeating the painful

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patterns with the wrong men.

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Experiencing the disappointment and not getting anywhere.

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Door number two, opt out completely give up on the whole

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thing and stay safely single.

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But there is a door.

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Number three, it’s the one that opens when you open.

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It’s the one where you feel confident and whole

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and emotionally safe and good enough to let love in.

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It’s the door that leads to the kind of love

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and life you’ve been craving, but can’t seem to find.

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Most women don’t believe that door exists.

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Even if it opened in front of them,

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they wouldn’t recognize it because they’re not ready.

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And honestly, we don’t want your dream man to show up

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before you’re ready, because right now you’ll sabotage it,

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you’ll misread it, you’ll shrink or second guess

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or run right back into the arms of what’s familiar.

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So if he hasn’t come yet, it’s not

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because he doesn’t exist, it’s because you’re not ready.

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Not yet, but when you are, the shift is undeniable.

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You become magnetic, you become visible.

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You start attracting the healthy, aligned, grounded,

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emotionally available men you’ve always wanted

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because you’ve finally become the woman who can receive him.

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I know this to be true because I witness

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it every single day.

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My ready for love. Clients tell me they are getting

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approached by men at the same gym that they have been going

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to for years at the upscale grocery

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market in their neighborhood.

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When you are open and you’re ready to receive the love

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and attention that you say you want,

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it does start coming into your life.

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You have to become a woman who believes that there’s a door.

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Number three, you have to feel worthy of door number three,

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and you have to be able to believe that you are capable

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of living the life that you want that’s on the other side

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of door number three, or it will not happen.

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It will not appear to you.

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The focus has to be on you, not on him.

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Stop looking for all the good men

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and focus on how you’re showing up in your love life.

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I promise you, this is gonna unlock everything for you.

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If you’re ready to take the next step, apply

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for a free breakthrough call with my team

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so we can talk about your love life specifically

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and see if we are a fit to help you.

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Finally, let love in. Go to hillary silver.com/apply.

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Thanks for listening, and I’ll see you next time.