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If you’re a smart, successful, high achieving woman,
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but you keep attracting, dating
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or ending up with men who are just not at your level,
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this conversation is for you.
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I see this all the time.
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Women who have their lives together,
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crushing it in their careers, making great money,
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and yet they’re dating men who are unemployed,
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financially unstable, emotionally unavailable,
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or just who have issues.
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It’s not because there aren’t amazing men out there, it’s
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because something deeper is going on, something inside
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of you that’s keeping you stuck in these patterns.
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So today I’m going to give you seven brutally honest reasons
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why successful women date down
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and more importantly, how to stop.
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Welcome Back, lovelies,
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and if you’re new here, I’m Hilary Silver.
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I’m a former clinical psychotherapist turned master coach
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of 25 years, and I’m the founder of Ready For Love.
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We’ve been helping high achieving women create the loving,
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supportive relationships they’ve been dreaming
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of since 2017, all by focusing on the relationship
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that they have with themselves.
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And my approach is radically different
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because it’s not man centered, it’s woman centered,
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it’s self-centered
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because getting everything
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that you want always starts with you.
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If you wanna know more about Ready for Love,
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you can watch my free masterclass to learn more about
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what we do and see if we can help you too.
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I’ll put the link in the description below.
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Dating Down is a term that I created
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and use with my clients who have amazing careers.
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They’ve lived an accomplished life
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and are stable, ambitious, and financially independent.
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Yet the men that they attract
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and often end up with don’t share
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that same level of success.
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They find themselves dating men who are struggling,
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who are financially or emotionally unstable, underemployed
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or unemployed, don’t have the savings
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and retirement that you do all the way to men
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who have problems that you are really good at fixing,
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like addiction issues
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or problems with their ex, that kind of stuff.
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Men who are projects instead of partners
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and ladies, projects are for landscaping.
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Your backyard projects are for work.
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They are not for your love life. Okay?
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So ultimately this means there is an imbalance
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to the mental, emotional
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and financial contribution to the relationship,
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and you, the woman end up doing everything, paying
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for things, being what I call the stabilizer for someone
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who needs stability and it’s exhausting and depleting.
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So let’s dive into the seven real reasons
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behind this pattern, which believe it
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or not, are rooted in your own subconscious beliefs
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and unresolved issues.
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Let’s face it, if you keep attracting
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and choosing partners who bring you down,
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you are the common denominator here, right?
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If there’s a pattern, then you are the common denominator.
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There is something inside of you drawing you to
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that dynamic, and until you are willing
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to have a look at what’s going on,
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your pattern will only continue to repeat.
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So let’s get into it.
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Reason number one, deep down, you don’t feel good enough
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for the good guys in your rational mind intellectually,
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you know you’re amazing and deser and deserving
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and you’re a great catch, but deep in your subconscious
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where things don’t always make sense, there’s
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that little voice whispering that kind of man won’t like you
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where you see him out
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and your initial reaction is, what kind
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of woman would I have to be to get that kind of man?
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So when a high quality, confident, successful man shows up,
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the kind of man that you say you want to be
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with, you shrink.
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You second guess yourself, you get awkward,
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you self-sabotage, you put him on a pedestal
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and see yourself as less than whether you realize it or not.
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That energy pushes him away.
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I know that if I saw you walking down the pier at a boat
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marina, I’d think, Ooh,
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that woman’s getting into the yacht at the end of the dock
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just because of how you look
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and how you move and how you carry yourself.
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But when you get to the end of the dock,
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you look at the yacht and instead turn
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and get into the little dinghy,
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the little fishing boat next door.
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Internally, there is a part of you that doesn’t feel worthy
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or deserving to be in the yacht.
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You internally feel less than or inferior
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because deep down part
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of you feels like you just don’t deserve the yacht.
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Even though you look like you belong on it,
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you don’t feel it inside.
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One woman once told me, I’ll get on the yacht,
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but then once I’m on, I go hang out with all the wait staff.
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That’s the kind of self-concept we’re talking about.
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So if you don’t feel like you deserve to be with
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that caliber of man, even if you are his equal,
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you won’t allow it to happen.
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You will sabotage it.
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He will walk up to you and you clam up, or you get awkward
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or you get insecure or you get nervous or you push him away,
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or you say things that aren’t true for you.
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You turn into somebody that you’re not.
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You’re just not yourself.
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You’re trying to be somebody better than you are
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because you think that’s who you need to be
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or that who you are isn’t enough internally,
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you shy away from those men because of how it triggers you
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and makes you feel not enough.
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And so you go for the men who aren’t at your level,
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they’re not intimidating.
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I know it sounds crazy and none of this is conscious,
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but it is real.
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I hear it every single day from smart women
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who are neurosurgeons and lawyers
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and executives who say they look 10 years younger than they
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are and they have all the great friends in a fabulous life.
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It’s not at all what we would think is actually happening
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inside of her head within themselves,
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but it is so reason number two,
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you don’t value yourself enough.
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If you don’t inherently feel valuable just for who you are,
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then you’ll try to create value
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by turning yourself into a commodity,
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by being someone he needs.
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Women have told me, what value do I bring if I’m not
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doing something for him?
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Dating below your level gives you a role
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or a purpose, someone to help fix, rescue support
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or save, because deep down,
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you don’t feel like just being yourself is enough.
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So instead, you make yourself indispensable,
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you earn your place in the relationship by
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what you do for him.
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Women turn themselves into a therapist, a case manager,
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the business coach, the ATM or the nurse.
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One of my clients gave her boyfriend at the time $80,000
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to help him catch up on his child support.
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And when she no longer wanted to be with him,
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she felt like she had to stay with him
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until he paid her back.
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I could not make this up if I tried. Here’s the thing.
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At first it might feel fulfilling.
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You feel important, you feel needed,
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but over time you don’t feel loved for who you are.
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You feel used, taken for granted, unappreciated,
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taken advantage of, and that’s
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because the entire relationship is built on
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what you can provide, what you can do
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for him rather than just for who you are.
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It’s transactional.
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And deep down, you’ve internalized the belief that love has
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to be earned through service, sacrifice and caretaking.
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It’s a vicious trap.
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But the important thing here is to see
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that you’re doing this to yourself
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and remember that this is what we want.
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We want you to be the problem.
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We want your unhealthy patterns, whatever they are to be
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of your own doing because then you can commit
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to figuring it out and get a different result, right?
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Reason number three, you pick men who need you
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so they won’t leave.
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This is a big one, and while it might sort of seem similar
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to the last, it’s actually different.
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If you have a fear of abandonment,
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you may subconsciously pick men who rely on you financially,
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emotionally, logistically
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because you believe that if he needs you,
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he won’t leave you.
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You are somehow protecting yourself against being abandoned.
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This is when I hear women end up taking care of his kids
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or having him live with her because he’s in between jobs
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or hasn’t settled into something stable
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for himself since a divorce.
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Maybe not having him even pitch in towards the mortgage.
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It’s tough to hear, but if there’s any part of you
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that’s afraid of being rejected
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because you’re not good enough, then dating a man
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who depends on you feels like a guarantee that he’ll stay.
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But here’s the heartbreaking truth.
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These men still leave,
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and even when they don’t, they drain you.
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They take advantage of your generosity
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and they make you feel less loved, less lovable, not more,
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because when someone stays out of need rather than by choice
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out of a place of love, it never truly feels safe
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or secure anyway.
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This too is a transactional relationship
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and it’s a setup for both of you
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to constantly be disappointed.
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He feels he’s never good enough and can’t measure up
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and constantly disappoints you, and he feels emasculated
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and you feel he just can’t give you what you want
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and may even treat you poorly
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because of how he feels about himself.
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Either way, you’re left empty handed.
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Reason number four, your afraid of being found out. Okay?
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This is a really sneaky subconscious one here.
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If way deep down you feel like you’re not good enough,
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then when you are with somebody
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who you think is less than you, it will never be discovered
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that you are the one who’s not enough.
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It’s not a conscious decision. It is completely unconscious.
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It feels safe because he can’t reject you
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for not being good enough.
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Make sense? So subconsciously,
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you’re dating at your own internal level.
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If you think that he’ll somehow discover
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that you’re not worthy or you’re not good enough
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or that you are broken, you won’t date somebody
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who has the power to hurt you by discovering
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that and leaving.
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So you will date somebody quote unquote beneath you
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because you will always be more than him.
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You’ll always be the one with the upper hand.
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You’ll always be more than him, you, he’s less than you.
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And that means you never have to face the scary possibility
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that someone could truly see your flaws
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and all of the things that make you not enough and
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and then ultimately decide
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that you’re not good enough for him.
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I know it’s really tricky,
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but again, it is super subconscious
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and happening beneath the surface.
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Reason number five, you’re actually afraid of getting
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what it is that you want.
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You say that you want love
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and you think that you want a committed,
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healthy relationship with intimacy and passion and trust
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and deep connection emotionally,
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but deep down it terrifies you
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because real intimacy means being vulnerable.
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It means being seen, letting someone in,
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and that is so much scarier than dating someone who’s
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emotionally unavailable because if you never really have
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to let love in, you can’t get hurt.
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This is why some women repeatedly choose men
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who aren’t capable of deep connection,
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if he’s emotionally unavailable.
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You never have to face your own fears of intimacy,
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rejection, or abandonment.
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So you intellectually think, I want this amazing love.
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I want the fairytale. I want the romance.
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I want this amazing partnership.
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I want to be seen and witnessed and valued.
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I want my true equal.
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I want love in all the ways I wanna be seen and adored
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and cherished and valued.
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But in order to have that, you have to let someone see all
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of you, and that actually scares the s**t out of you.
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So when you pick men who aren’t capable of adult, mature,
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healthy intimacy, then by default you don’t have
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to be vulnerable yourself.
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You’re avoiding a situation where you’re required
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to be transparent and visible and face potential hurt.
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And here’s the truth about this.
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You may be picking men who are emotionally unavailable,
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but you are also emotionally unavailable,
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avoiding emotional intimacy and connection,
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but it looks like he’s the problem and all of your friends
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and family and social media,
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and even your therapist will tell you he is the problem.
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So I’m really glad we’re here today having
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this honest conversation.
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Reason number six, you want to feel safe and in control.
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Dating down can make you feel powerful and in control.
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If you are with someone who needs you, you feel
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that you hold all the cards,
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but really it’s an illusion of control.
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You deep down think that dating someone who’s not at your
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level means you can just relax
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because you think you won’t be judged
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or you can’t get controlled
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by him if your hand is on the button.
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So it could be that you have a pattern
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of shrinking yourself, losing your autonomy, giving in,
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allowing someone else’s needs or opinions or wishes
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or their agenda to eclipse your own.
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And by being with someone not at your level, you,
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you subconsciously aim to prevent this from happening.
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Or it could be that you only feel like you can be your true
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self with a man who isn’t your equal
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because he won’t judge you or reject you.
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And if he does, it just doesn’t matter as much.
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When you don’t admire
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or respect this person, when you don’t have high regard
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for them, you’ve got nothing
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to lose when you really don’t care so much, right?
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Whereas a man at your level will trigger all
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of your naugh enoughness
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and you don’t feel like you can just be your true self.
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If you have a belief that you have to be perfect
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to be loved, then picking a man
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who is clearly not perfect means, ah, I can relax
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and I don’t have to be perfect either.
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But here’s what actually happens.
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You end up wasting years on the wrong men, feeling unseen,
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unfulfilled, and even living with your own truth,
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that you are lukewarm.
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You’re just half in and half out emotionally.
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You’re not all in
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because you know deep inside he’s just not your person.
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You know he’s not your guy, and that you’re settling.
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Finally, the last super subconscious reason that you end up
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with men who are not at your level.
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You are lonely. You are starved for love and attention.
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You’ve been in a love desert, deprived and parched.
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Deep down you have low self-esteem.
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And so you’re easily flattered that this man who’s handsome
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or you have chemistry with or who compliments you
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or gives you just the right amount of whatever it is
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that you’re needing has you sucked in.
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This is when you become not just a magnet for love bombers,
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but a target, a sitting duck.
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You are blood in the water for the sharks.
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This state of being is a vibe.
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So you end up taking what you’re getting
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rather than getting what you want.
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You’re not actually doing the picking at all he is,
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and he picks you so you go along with it.
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You’re only interested in him
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because of his interest in you.
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And of course he’s interested in you.
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You’re amazing, even if you don’t fully
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acknowledge this deep in your soul,
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and at first all this attention makes you feel so good,
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but then it doesn’t.
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And once you’re in and you do care about him and
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or he’s come to rely on you, it can be very hard to leave.
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So the bottom line, our relationships are a mirror
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and like attracts like,
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and the universe does not give us what we want.
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It gives us who we are.
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So if you are dating men who are not at your level,
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it is a reflection of something deeper inside of you
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that this is how you feel about yourself deep inside,
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despite all your outward success, you are the problem here.
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And that is the best news I can give you.
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Because if you are the problem,
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that also means you are the solution.
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The only way to stop all of this stuff, all these patterns,
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is to work on this relationship with yourself, to change
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what you think and believe about yourself, to relate
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to yourself in a whole new way at the deepest subconscious
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level so you can show up with a new energy and vibe,
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and then make better choices for yourself.
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Identity work is the gateway to everything that you want.
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It always starts with you.
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This is what we do in the Ready for Love program.
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We are the leading longest running and most successful
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and sought after programs in the world
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for high achieving women who are ready
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to change their patterns for good, who are committed
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to doing the work, investing in themselves,
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and finally getting the love they deserve.
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I’ll put the links in the description
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so you can check it out.
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And if you like this video, please give it a thumbs up
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and share your thoughts with me.
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Thanks for being here. I’ll see you next time.
