1
00:00:00.305 –> 00:00:03.505
I can already anticipate all the hate I’m going to get
2
00:00:03.525 –> 00:00:07.185
for today’s episode, but it’s A-P-S-A-I have to give
3
00:00:07.375 –> 00:00:10.865
because that is how strongly I feel about our topic today.
4
00:00:11.105 –> 00:00:13.305
I was a therapist for 14 years,
5
00:00:13.705 –> 00:00:16.665
a licensed clinical social worker in private practice,
6
00:00:17.105 –> 00:00:18.145
hundreds of clients.
7
00:00:18.785 –> 00:00:21.145
I even had other therapists working for me.
8
00:00:21.645 –> 00:00:26.265
And in 2017, I closed my practice and walked away, not
9
00:00:26.265 –> 00:00:28.945
because I burned out or because I needed a break, but
10
00:00:28.945 –> 00:00:31.585
because I stopped believing in the model.
11
00:00:31.765 –> 00:00:34.465
So today I’m telling you why I’m an outspoken
12
00:00:34.485 –> 00:00:35.505
critic of therapy.
13
00:00:36.205 –> 00:00:38.105
The truth about what’s broken
14
00:00:38.565 –> 00:00:40.865
and what actually works instead.
15
00:00:45.805 –> 00:00:46.825
So Let me be clear,
16
00:00:47.105 –> 00:00:49.385
I am not anti therapy across the board.
17
00:00:49.835 –> 00:00:51.585
There are good therapists out there
18
00:00:51.925 –> 00:00:54.185
and there are people who genuinely need therapy.
19
00:00:54.925 –> 00:00:56.385
And there are certain situations
20
00:00:56.545 –> 00:00:58.785
where therapy is absolutely the right answer,
21
00:00:59.085 –> 00:01:00.385
and here are two of them.
22
00:01:00.795 –> 00:01:04.105
First, therapy is meant for treating mental
23
00:01:04.285 –> 00:01:05.625
and emotional illness,
24
00:01:06.455 –> 00:01:09.625
real diagnosable conditions like clinical depression,
25
00:01:09.775 –> 00:01:14.025
chronic debilitating anxiety, OCD trauma, things like that.
26
00:01:14.985 –> 00:01:19.105
Anything that is impacting your ability to live, love work
27
00:01:19.525 –> 00:01:22.905
and to get by in daily life because you’re just not well.
28
00:01:23.485 –> 00:01:26.825
And then second, therapy is appropriate when you’re feeling
29
00:01:26.975 –> 00:01:30.865
disoriented or destabilized due to a major life event,
30
00:01:30.865 –> 00:01:34.425
something like a huge transition such as divorce,
31
00:01:35.345 –> 00:01:37.865
discovering infidelity, which can feel like trauma
32
00:01:38.365 –> 00:01:40.185
or losing someone that you love.
33
00:01:40.885 –> 00:01:43.785
And because really in those situations you
34
00:01:43.785 –> 00:01:44.905
are just not well.
35
00:01:45.245 –> 00:01:47.865
You’re not yourself in those difficult times.
36
00:01:48.665 –> 00:01:50.665
I like to put it this way. You go
37
00:01:50.665 –> 00:01:52.945
to therapy when you’re deep in a hole
38
00:01:53.285 –> 00:01:56.305
and you need help finding the surface, again, just
39
00:01:56.365 –> 00:01:59.505
to regain your stability and your sanity.
40
00:01:59.605 –> 00:02:03.105
So therapy in those circumstances is highly effective
41
00:02:03.325 –> 00:02:05.905
and is the best option for getting well.
42
00:02:05.965 –> 00:02:08.385
But I’m going to give you five reasons why I think the
43
00:02:08.385 –> 00:02:11.505
therapy profession is messed up and the model is broken.
44
00:02:11.725 –> 00:02:14.785
So reason number one that I’m anti therapy is
45
00:02:14.785 –> 00:02:16.665
because it’s being misused.
46
00:02:17.135 –> 00:02:19.305
It’s the wrong tool for the job
47
00:02:19.535 –> 00:02:21.665
because the vast majority of people
48
00:02:21.685 –> 00:02:24.145
who are sitting in therapist office every week are not
49
00:02:24.425 –> 00:02:28.025
mentally ill or in crisis, they’re highly functioning adults
50
00:02:28.085 –> 00:02:31.345
who want to improve their lives, fix their relationships,
51
00:02:31.685 –> 00:02:34.465
or figure out just how to be happier and more fulfilled.
52
00:02:35.005 –> 00:02:37.465
And so therapy is not the right tool for that.
53
00:02:37.495 –> 00:02:40.105
Like I said, therapy is designed to help you get out
54
00:02:40.105 –> 00:02:44.225
of the hole, to stabilize, to get back to functioning mode
55
00:02:44.225 –> 00:02:45.625
after being in a crisis.
56
00:02:46.135 –> 00:02:47.665
It’s designed for that.
57
00:02:48.325 –> 00:02:50.665
And when you’re in a hole, that is not the time
58
00:02:50.765 –> 00:02:54.945
to be doing higher level advanced personal growth work.
59
00:02:55.285 –> 00:02:58.305
You’re just getting back to status quo, business as usual.
60
00:02:58.565 –> 00:03:01.565
And so it’s really not going to help you grow and evolve
61
00:03:01.945 –> 00:03:04.365
and become a better version of yourself for
62
00:03:04.365 –> 00:03:05.405
that kind of growth.
63
00:03:05.505 –> 00:03:06.885
You need a different tool.
64
00:03:06.945 –> 00:03:09.085
You need coaching and mentorship,
65
00:03:09.465 –> 00:03:11.485
but most people don’t even know that.
66
00:03:11.575 –> 00:03:12.965
Therapists don’t even know it.
67
00:03:13.445 –> 00:03:16.285
I didn’t know it when I was practicing as a therapist.
68
00:03:16.405 –> 00:03:18.205
I hadn’t even heard of coaching before.
69
00:03:19.045 –> 00:03:20.685
Coaching was my style of helping.
70
00:03:21.325 –> 00:03:24.605
I had a very coachy approach to working with my clients,
71
00:03:24.905 –> 00:03:26.645
but I didn’t even know I was doing it.
72
00:03:26.865 –> 00:03:28.885
So you stay and you stay
73
00:03:28.945 –> 00:03:31.525
and you stay hoping to get to your next level,
74
00:03:31.625 –> 00:03:32.885
but you’re really not getting there.
75
00:03:32.885 –> 00:03:35.205
And that’s where the second problem begins.
76
00:03:35.385 –> 00:03:36.565
Reason number two,
77
00:03:37.145 –> 00:03:39.445
it creates dependence on your therapist
78
00:03:39.875 –> 00:03:41.245
instead of on yourself.
79
00:03:41.625 –> 00:03:44.525
You build a relationship with this person so you stay
80
00:03:44.585 –> 00:03:46.285
and you stay and you stay and you stay
81
00:03:46.635 –> 00:03:48.645
because therapy is relational.
82
00:03:48.825 –> 00:03:52.725
It is a relationship, a real intimate relationship
83
00:03:52.725 –> 00:03:55.285
that happens between therapist and client.
84
00:03:55.825 –> 00:03:58.805
You share yourself in the most vulnerable, raw way.
85
00:03:59.305 –> 00:04:02.525
You are witnessed by another human often in ways
86
00:04:02.525 –> 00:04:05.765
that you can’t experience anywhere else in your real life.
87
00:04:05.865 –> 00:04:07.525
And it feels really good.
88
00:04:07.625 –> 00:04:09.965
You feel seen and understood and accepted
89
00:04:10.025 –> 00:04:12.125
and supported unconditionally.
90
00:04:12.305 –> 00:04:15.645
And so even after you’re out of the hole, even
91
00:04:15.735 –> 00:04:18.165
after you’re stabilized, you keep going.
92
00:04:18.865 –> 00:04:21.045
Not because you still need treatment, but
93
00:04:21.045 –> 00:04:23.245
because the relationship feels good,
94
00:04:23.665 –> 00:04:25.565
the relationship becomes the thing
95
00:04:25.565 –> 00:04:26.845
that you’re going back for.
96
00:04:27.225 –> 00:04:29.725
It feels good to have someone in your life like this,
97
00:04:30.025 –> 00:04:32.325
but that’s where it becomes dangerous,
98
00:04:32.735 –> 00:04:35.965
especially when you go into therapy, when you’re in the hole
99
00:04:36.265 –> 00:04:37.285
and you’re vulnerable
100
00:04:37.345 –> 00:04:39.605
and you really need this person in your life
101
00:04:39.605 –> 00:04:42.885
because over time you become attached to them
102
00:04:43.265 –> 00:04:45.325
and you become dependent upon them.
103
00:04:45.795 –> 00:04:48.525
This isn’t a real relationship though, really.
104
00:04:48.595 –> 00:04:51.285
It’s contrived. You’re paying for it.
105
00:04:51.865 –> 00:04:55.365
You are paying this professional someone to listen to you
106
00:04:55.425 –> 00:04:56.525
and to care about you
107
00:04:56.905 –> 00:04:59.805
and to be your sounding board, your confidant, your mentor,
108
00:05:00.155 –> 00:05:01.565
your chosen mother figure.
109
00:05:01.655 –> 00:05:04.925
Those are roles that you are paying someone to fill,
110
00:05:05.625 –> 00:05:06.965
not real relationships
111
00:05:06.965 –> 00:05:10.765
that exist in your actual real life organically.
112
00:05:11.345 –> 00:05:12.605
And here’s the crazy part.
113
00:05:12.655 –> 00:05:13.765
Therapists are taught
114
00:05:13.765 –> 00:05:16.965
that the relationship itself is the most therapeutic
115
00:05:17.075 –> 00:05:18.325
part I’m quoting.
116
00:05:18.345 –> 00:05:21.285
Now, the therapy relationship accounts
117
00:05:21.285 –> 00:05:22.805
for why clients improve
118
00:05:22.905 –> 00:05:25.645
or fail to improve at least as much
119
00:05:26.185 –> 00:05:29.005
as the particular treatment method to build
120
00:05:29.005 –> 00:05:32.565
and maintain a strong therapeutic relationship is the core
121
00:05:32.625 –> 00:05:35.205
of your work as a therapist, end quote.
122
00:05:35.585 –> 00:05:38.725
So yes, feeling safe and understood is important.
123
00:05:39.185 –> 00:05:41.165
You wanna have a good fit with your therapist,
124
00:05:41.425 –> 00:05:43.845
but that relationship should be temporary.
125
00:05:44.325 –> 00:05:46.645
I think of it as scaffolding you.
126
00:05:46.835 –> 00:05:49.725
It’s there to hold you up until you’re strong enough
127
00:05:49.725 –> 00:05:50.885
to stand on your own,
128
00:05:51.105 –> 00:05:53.365
but instead it becomes a permanent fixture.
129
00:05:53.665 –> 00:05:55.285
And you become dependent.
130
00:05:55.355 –> 00:05:56.805
Have a problem, call your
131
00:05:56.885 –> 00:05:58.645
therapist, need to make a decision.
132
00:05:59.345 –> 00:06:02.485
Ask your therapist what they think upset about something.
133
00:06:02.785 –> 00:06:04.525
Go process it with your therapist.
134
00:06:05.265 –> 00:06:08.605
You depend on your therapist to tell you what to think, how
135
00:06:08.605 –> 00:06:09.805
to feel, what to do.
136
00:06:10.025 –> 00:06:12.965
And over time you stop trusting yourself.
137
00:06:13.225 –> 00:06:16.325
You don’t even ever really learn how to trust yourself.
138
00:06:16.505 –> 00:06:19.245
You don’t learn how to be your own sounding board
139
00:06:19.505 –> 00:06:23.365
to solve your own problems or become fully self-reliant
140
00:06:23.585 –> 00:06:25.125
and centered in yourself.
141
00:06:25.515 –> 00:06:28.125
Instead, you depend on your therapist to tell you all
142
00:06:28.125 –> 00:06:31.645
of these things, outsourcing your answers, your certainty
143
00:06:31.905 –> 00:06:35.965
and your guidance to someone else that is not empowerment,
144
00:06:36.235 –> 00:06:37.485
that is codependence.
145
00:06:37.625 –> 00:06:40.325
And then your big wins in life are owed to them
146
00:06:40.865 –> 00:06:43.325
rather than you being able to take credit for it.
147
00:06:43.385 –> 00:06:46.325
You give them credit and maybe they even take credit
148
00:06:46.655 –> 00:06:48.725
themselves for the amazing things
149
00:06:48.725 –> 00:06:50.205
that are happening in your life.
150
00:06:50.595 –> 00:06:52.125
They become your hero
151
00:06:52.705 –> 00:06:55.285
rather than you becoming your own hero.
152
00:06:55.545 –> 00:06:58.445
And here’s the insidious part. The model rewards this.
153
00:06:58.785 –> 00:07:00.365
If you learn to trust yourself,
154
00:07:00.825 –> 00:07:02.165
you won’t need therapy anymore.
155
00:07:02.705 –> 00:07:05.165
But if you depend on your therapist, you’ll keep going.
156
00:07:05.345 –> 00:07:06.725
You’ll go back indefinitely.
157
00:07:07.025 –> 00:07:10.845
The goal is to become healed, whole, healthy,
158
00:07:11.545 –> 00:07:14.885
and able to trust yourself so you can be fully
159
00:07:15.685 –> 00:07:17.205
self-led in your life.
160
00:07:17.305 –> 00:07:18.565
And sadly, I just know
161
00:07:18.565 –> 00:07:21.485
because I hear it every single day, that is not
162
00:07:21.485 –> 00:07:24.805
what is happening for most people inside the therapy office.
163
00:07:24.985 –> 00:07:26.285
And that leads me to the next problem.
164
00:07:26.305 –> 00:07:30.445
Reason number three, therapists often won’t challenge you.
165
00:07:30.825 –> 00:07:32.805
So you never really see your part.
166
00:07:33.055 –> 00:07:35.325
Therapists aren’t gonna tell you that you are the problem.
167
00:07:35.905 –> 00:07:40.125
The entire model is built upon validation and empathy
168
00:07:40.225 –> 00:07:43.205
and support and healing and being on your side.
169
00:07:43.345 –> 00:07:44.445
If you’ve been through trauma
170
00:07:44.705 –> 00:07:46.965
or you’ve experienced infidelity, for example,
171
00:07:47.675 –> 00:07:50.245
most therapists aren’t going to ask you, so
172
00:07:50.245 –> 00:07:52.245
what was your role in the dysfunctional marriage?
173
00:07:52.695 –> 00:07:55.085
Right? They don’t wanna hurt you or upset you.
174
00:07:55.435 –> 00:07:57.405
They are just gonna tell you how great you are
175
00:07:57.465 –> 00:07:59.045
and what a great job you’re doing,
176
00:07:59.065 –> 00:08:00.485
and they’re gonna validate you.
177
00:08:00.985 –> 00:08:02.365
But really this is enabling.
178
00:08:02.385 –> 00:08:05.405
It is totally enabling when you are going
179
00:08:05.745 –> 00:08:07.365
for life improvement.
180
00:08:07.465 –> 00:08:09.445
So you feel like someone is on your side
181
00:08:09.785 –> 00:08:12.005
and you don’t feel so alone in your struggles.
182
00:08:12.265 –> 00:08:15.045
And this helps you feel better temporarily,
183
00:08:15.705 –> 00:08:19.165
but it certainly will not help you be better or do better.
184
00:08:19.665 –> 00:08:22.685
So when you go to therapy with a problem like your boss
185
00:08:22.745 –> 00:08:25.285
or your mother or your relationship
186
00:08:25.465 –> 00:08:28.885
or your job, your therapist helps you solve that problem
187
00:08:29.395 –> 00:08:33.445
with that person and that situation, and they validate you
188
00:08:33.585 –> 00:08:34.725
and they agree with you
189
00:08:34.785 –> 00:08:36.565
and they point the finger at the other person
190
00:08:36.665 –> 00:08:39.885
or the difficult situation and help you deal with that.
191
00:08:40.555 –> 00:08:44.445
Your boss being unreasonable, your mother is toxic,
192
00:08:45.155 –> 00:08:46.565
he’s emotionally unavailable.
193
00:08:46.935 –> 00:08:48.445
Let’s get you through this divorce.
194
00:08:48.905 –> 00:08:51.365
And all of that might be true and okay
195
00:08:51.505 –> 00:08:53.845
and helpful for the short term,
196
00:08:54.265 –> 00:08:57.965
but it’s not helping you grow into your next level
197
00:08:58.155 –> 00:09:00.365
because you’re focusing on them,
198
00:09:00.945 –> 00:09:03.045
the external problem, the other person.
199
00:09:03.585 –> 00:09:05.885
And when you focus on what everyone else is doing,
200
00:09:05.985 –> 00:09:08.005
you never have to look at what you are doing.
201
00:09:08.225 –> 00:09:09.925
You never end up taking responsibility
202
00:09:10.145 –> 00:09:11.605
and you never really end up growing.
203
00:09:11.985 –> 00:09:14.445
You can’t see your patterns or your blind spots
204
00:09:14.745 –> 00:09:17.605
or your role in part in creating a dynamic
205
00:09:18.065 –> 00:09:20.405
or in the problems that are going on in your life.
206
00:09:20.465 –> 00:09:24.365
So they just keep repeating different boss, same conflict,
207
00:09:24.365 –> 00:09:27.085
different partner, same dynamic, different job,
208
00:09:27.595 –> 00:09:30.565
same frustration, because you haven’t changed.
209
00:09:30.875 –> 00:09:34.285
Therapy is not designed to help you achieve this.
210
00:09:34.435 –> 00:09:37.325
What you need is someone who will love you enough
211
00:09:37.705 –> 00:09:39.845
to be honest with you and to hold up a mirror
212
00:09:40.105 –> 00:09:42.365
and show you how you are creating these
213
00:09:42.415 –> 00:09:43.765
situations in your life.
214
00:09:43.915 –> 00:09:46.925
Someone who will challenge you, who will call you out,
215
00:09:47.145 –> 00:09:49.205
and who will help you be accountable.
216
00:09:49.385 –> 00:09:51.645
But again, therapists aren’t trained to do this.
217
00:09:51.675 –> 00:09:54.565
They are really leaning on their relationship with you,
218
00:09:54.975 –> 00:09:56.805
being there for you in perpetuity.
219
00:09:57.275 –> 00:10:00.005
They enable you. They just do. They keep you comfortable.
220
00:10:00.385 –> 00:10:02.485
And unfortunately, this keeps you stuck.
221
00:10:02.545 –> 00:10:04.245
And so that brings us to the next problem.
222
00:10:04.385 –> 00:10:05.405
Reason number four,
223
00:10:05.865 –> 00:10:10.085
it keeps you looking backward when you need to move forward.
224
00:10:10.545 –> 00:10:13.965
The traditional therapy model is obsessed with the past.
225
00:10:14.425 –> 00:10:17.485
Why am I the way I am? What happened to me as a child?
226
00:10:17.785 –> 00:10:19.325
How did my parents mess me up?
227
00:10:19.465 –> 00:10:20.725
I’m sure you’ve heard of the type
228
00:10:20.725 –> 00:10:22.405
of therapy called psychoanalysis.
229
00:10:22.475 –> 00:10:25.685
It’s the quintessential Freudian lay on the couch
230
00:10:26.185 –> 00:10:28.885
and relive your past approach with that.
231
00:10:28.885 –> 00:10:32.285
People go multiple times a week for years.
232
00:10:32.865 –> 00:10:35.405
And if you ask me, it’s quite narcissistic.
233
00:10:35.475 –> 00:10:38.405
Look, understanding your past can be very valuable.
234
00:10:38.505 –> 00:10:40.965
I’m not saying it’s irrelevant, but here’s the problem.
235
00:10:40.965 –> 00:10:44.365
Therapy becomes an endless retelling of old stories.
236
00:10:44.745 –> 00:10:48.165
You relive the trauma, you re-experience the pain,
237
00:10:48.505 –> 00:10:53.125
you analyze it from every angle, and every time you tell
238
00:10:53.225 –> 00:10:54.685
and retell that story,
239
00:10:55.185 –> 00:10:57.685
it only cements it deeper into your
240
00:10:57.685 –> 00:10:59.445
subconscious and your identity.
241
00:10:59.585 –> 00:11:01.125
You become the girl whose dad left,
242
00:11:01.385 –> 00:11:03.165
the woman whose mother was narcissistic,
243
00:11:03.345 –> 00:11:05.645
or the person who was bullied in middle school.
244
00:11:05.865 –> 00:11:08.285
And you may even start wearing it like a badge of honor,
245
00:11:08.415 –> 00:11:09.805
which I see all the time now.
246
00:11:09.885 –> 00:11:10.885
I have abandonment issues,
247
00:11:11.065 –> 00:11:13.445
I’m anxiously attached, I have daddy issues.
248
00:11:13.945 –> 00:11:16.085
And when you over identify with a problem,
249
00:11:16.305 –> 00:11:18.605
you don’t solve it because you become it.
250
00:11:18.675 –> 00:11:21.605
I’ve spoken to women in their sixties and seventies,
251
00:11:22.065 –> 00:11:25.005
and when I ask them the question, what’s,
252
00:11:25.035 –> 00:11:27.725
what do you think is the real problem underneath everything
253
00:11:27.725 –> 00:11:30.445
that you’ve been experiencing in your love life,
254
00:11:30.865 –> 00:11:33.805
the first thing they will say is, well, my parents,
255
00:11:33.945 –> 00:11:36.885
or, oh, well, my in my childhood or my dad.
256
00:11:36.945 –> 00:11:38.525
Or they refer to something that happened
257
00:11:38.525 –> 00:11:40.965
to them when they were growing up still in their sixties
258
00:11:41.065 –> 00:11:43.845
and seventies, pointing the finger backwards,
259
00:11:44.015 –> 00:11:45.965
still blaming after decades.
260
00:11:46.355 –> 00:11:47.525
That is not healing.
261
00:11:47.905 –> 00:11:49.685
That’s being stuck in a story
262
00:11:50.065 –> 00:11:51.965
and having it be your identity.
263
00:11:52.505 –> 00:11:55.565
Here’s the the truth. Insight does not create change.
264
00:11:55.565 –> 00:11:57.245
Knowing why you do what you do
265
00:11:57.265 –> 00:12:00.805
and where it all comes from doesn’t help you know what to do
266
00:12:01.225 –> 00:12:04.165
and how to do it so that you can just move forward
267
00:12:04.265 –> 00:12:06.725
and actually be happier and healthier
268
00:12:06.745 –> 00:12:08.045
and get more out of this life.
269
00:12:08.045 –> 00:12:10.405
Understanding where it all started doesn’t tell you
270
00:12:10.405 –> 00:12:11.485
how to stop it.
271
00:12:11.955 –> 00:12:15.165
What you actually need are tools, skills,
272
00:12:15.585 –> 00:12:20.125
and a roadmap for what to do differently, not more analysis
273
00:12:20.225 –> 00:12:24.325
of the past, not more understanding why you can spend the
274
00:12:24.325 –> 00:12:25.725
rest of your life asking why.
275
00:12:25.745 –> 00:12:27.245
And you may never figure it out.
276
00:12:27.835 –> 00:12:31.205
That is not gonna help you be the woman that you want to be
277
00:12:31.505 –> 00:12:33.125
and have the life that you want to have.
278
00:12:33.345 –> 00:12:35.325
And so here’s where therapy is the problem.
279
00:12:35.985 –> 00:12:38.885
You need to stop languishing in old stories
280
00:12:38.885 –> 00:12:39.965
that don’t serve you
281
00:12:40.265 –> 00:12:43.725
and start writing a new story to chart a new path forward
282
00:12:44.105 –> 00:12:45.725
and build skills for the future.
283
00:12:46.595 –> 00:12:49.605
Insight without action is just spinning your wheels.
284
00:12:50.025 –> 00:12:51.925
And that brings us to the final problem.
285
00:12:52.305 –> 00:12:56.125
Reason number five, there’s no clear endpoint
286
00:12:56.425 –> 00:12:58.925
so it can just go on forever and ever.
287
00:12:59.545 –> 00:13:02.645
So here’s the fundamental flaw in the therapy model.
288
00:13:02.855 –> 00:13:05.725
There is no contract to solve the specific problem.
289
00:13:05.725 –> 00:13:09.205
There’s no timeline, no structured treatment plan,
290
00:13:09.745 –> 00:13:11.165
no clear endpoint.
291
00:13:11.395 –> 00:13:14.725
Instead, it becomes aimless and endless.
292
00:13:15.105 –> 00:13:17.845
You show up every week, the therapist says, so
293
00:13:17.845 –> 00:13:19.245
what are we talking about today?
294
00:13:19.385 –> 00:13:21.165
How many of you have heard that question when you go
295
00:13:21.165 –> 00:13:24.405
to therapy, that puts the onus on you
296
00:13:25.025 –> 00:13:28.885
to guide the work when it should be the therapist leading
297
00:13:28.945 –> 00:13:30.285
you towards the solution.
298
00:13:30.865 –> 00:13:33.205
You don’t know what you need, but they should
299
00:13:33.545 –> 00:13:37.125
and they should lead you step by step toward the solution
300
00:13:37.125 –> 00:13:38.525
that you’ve identified together.
301
00:13:38.785 –> 00:13:42.765
But session after session, you talk, maybe you feel better
302
00:13:42.795 –> 00:13:45.965
because you’ve vented or because you’ve been validated,
303
00:13:46.225 –> 00:13:48.885
but you’re not actually solving anything.
304
00:13:48.885 –> 00:13:52.005
You’re not getting to the root, you’re just talking.
305
00:13:52.545 –> 00:13:55.125
And without accountability to get to an end,
306
00:13:55.265 –> 00:13:57.205
it can just go on indefinitely.
307
00:13:57.425 –> 00:14:00.085
And one of the reasons it goes on indefinitely is
308
00:14:00.085 –> 00:14:01.925
because of how therapy is designed.
309
00:14:02.365 –> 00:14:06.165
Visiting your therapist in session should be a check-in for
310
00:14:06.185 –> 00:14:08.565
how you’ve been implementing, integrating
311
00:14:08.565 –> 00:14:11.445
and applying the growth in your real life,
312
00:14:11.905 –> 00:14:14.165
and then getting additional feedback for how
313
00:14:14.165 –> 00:14:15.365
to continue that growth.
314
00:14:15.465 –> 00:14:18.125
But the therapy session becomes the work itself.
315
00:14:18.675 –> 00:14:22.325
Just talking about it, going to therapy is just doing time.
316
00:14:22.905 –> 00:14:26.125
If there’s no accountability in between sessions
317
00:14:26.145 –> 00:14:28.365
and they’re in and the just by nature
318
00:14:28.425 –> 00:14:30.845
of the model itself going to session
319
00:14:30.895 –> 00:14:34.085
after session, there’s no way for the therapist
320
00:14:34.105 –> 00:14:38.445
to provide support and accountability in between sessions.
321
00:14:38.705 –> 00:14:42.165
You’re paying for the hour, not for their time
322
00:14:42.505 –> 00:14:44.125
to support you in between.
323
00:14:44.345 –> 00:14:47.845
And there’s also no time for the therapist to provide you
324
00:14:47.845 –> 00:14:50.565
with information or the lessons
325
00:14:50.745 –> 00:14:54.445
or the teachings that you need to have to ground the work
326
00:14:54.445 –> 00:14:55.485
that you’re doing together.
327
00:14:56.075 –> 00:15:00.045
Most therapists do not have a programmed, structured,
328
00:15:00.565 –> 00:15:04.725
step-by-step plan or method to guide you to an end point.
329
00:15:04.835 –> 00:15:07.725
What needs to happen, which isn’t happening is
330
00:15:07.725 –> 00:15:09.565
that when you start with a therapist,
331
00:15:09.945 –> 00:15:12.645
you are not sitting down and you’re identifying a very clear
332
00:15:12.645 –> 00:15:13.725
problem that you’re solving.
333
00:15:14.425 –> 00:15:17.565
Here’s the goal we’re working on, here’s the plan, here’s
334
00:15:17.565 –> 00:15:19.445
how long I estimate this will take,
335
00:15:19.905 –> 00:15:21.965
and here’s how we know we will be done.
336
00:15:22.545 –> 00:15:24.205
Has a therapist ever done that for you?
337
00:15:24.705 –> 00:15:25.805
No one ever did that for me.
338
00:15:26.185 –> 00:15:28.085
And I know it has not been done
339
00:15:28.305 –> 00:15:31.285
for the more than 12,000 women I’ve spoken
340
00:15:31.345 –> 00:15:33.045
to in the last eight years alone.
341
00:15:33.335 –> 00:15:37.725
About 80% of these women have been in therapy, sometimes on
342
00:15:37.725 –> 00:15:41.765
and off for years, sometimes even with the same therapist
343
00:15:41.945 –> 00:15:43.205
for years, even decades.
344
00:15:43.825 –> 00:15:46.925
And they’re still struggling with the same issues.
345
00:15:47.265 –> 00:15:48.645
One woman had been seeing the same
346
00:15:48.645 –> 00:15:50.045
therapist for two decades.
347
00:15:50.585 –> 00:15:52.365
She called it Wednesdays with Ruth
348
00:15:52.505 –> 00:15:55.525
and another woman I spoke to 10 years with a therapist
349
00:15:55.585 –> 00:15:59.205
who she said was re-parenting her 10 years.
350
00:15:59.585 –> 00:16:03.045
The therapist should not be re-parenting you for a decade.
351
00:16:03.405 –> 00:16:07.085
A therapist should be showing you how to reparent yourself
352
00:16:07.425 –> 00:16:09.205
so you can move on with your life
353
00:16:09.265 –> 00:16:12.565
and just go live it outside of the therapy room
354
00:16:12.745 –> 00:16:15.125
and not needing this relationship in
355
00:16:15.125 –> 00:16:16.725
perpetuity the rest of your life.
356
00:16:17.065 –> 00:16:18.965
So you could just happily go live your life
357
00:16:19.035 –> 00:16:20.525
with the problem resolved.
358
00:16:20.665 –> 00:16:23.845
Bottom line here, if a therapist can’t help you make
359
00:16:23.875 –> 00:16:27.365
significant progress in a reasonable amount of time,
360
00:16:27.595 –> 00:16:29.765
they’re not going to be able to help you period.
361
00:16:30.345 –> 00:16:32.765
And ethically, they should refer you out,
362
00:16:32.785 –> 00:16:33.925
but they usually don’t.
363
00:16:33.985 –> 00:16:36.445
And why we’re having this conversation today is
364
00:16:36.445 –> 00:16:37.845
because you can recognize
365
00:16:37.915 –> 00:16:39.765
that you’re not really making progress.
366
00:16:40.345 –> 00:16:41.925
You don’t have to suffer and struggle
367
00:16:42.155 –> 00:16:43.605
with a problem your whole life.
368
00:16:44.065 –> 00:16:47.325
You can actually solve it, but that rarely happens
369
00:16:47.555 –> 00:16:48.645
because it’s easier
370
00:16:48.785 –> 00:16:51.325
and more profitable to just keep you scheduling
371
00:16:51.545 –> 00:16:54.405
for next Wednesday as long as you are willing to keep going.
372
00:16:54.585 –> 00:16:56.845
We get used to having therapy in our lives.
373
00:16:57.105 –> 00:16:59.725
We identify with being a lifetime therapy goer
374
00:16:59.785 –> 00:17:01.405
or a self-help junkie.
375
00:17:01.465 –> 00:17:03.205
But when you have a built-in cheerleader
376
00:17:03.705 –> 00:17:06.005
or somebody that actually you feel cares about you
377
00:17:06.465 –> 00:17:09.325
and maybe they really do, why would you wanna stop going?
378
00:17:09.465 –> 00:17:11.245
But the truth is this, going
379
00:17:11.305 –> 00:17:14.645
to therapy in perpetuity is a waste of time and money.
380
00:17:15.035 –> 00:17:18.845
Stop spending your time and money to not solve a problem.
381
00:17:19.185 –> 00:17:21.285
So before I tell you what to do instead,
382
00:17:21.805 –> 00:17:23.445
I do wanna address one other thing
383
00:17:23.445 –> 00:17:25.245
that’s happening in our culture right now.
384
00:17:25.375 –> 00:17:27.805
We’ve done a complete 180 as a society.
385
00:17:28.225 –> 00:17:30.645
We went from therapy as private and taboo,
386
00:17:30.945 –> 00:17:34.285
and there’s a stigma around it to everyone has trauma
387
00:17:34.505 –> 00:17:37.045
and everyone wears their attachment style, like a badge
388
00:17:37.045 –> 00:17:39.325
of honor for, for younger people especially,
389
00:17:39.435 –> 00:17:41.285
it’s almost cool to be disaffected.
390
00:17:41.465 –> 00:17:43.605
And thanks to social media, anyone
391
00:17:43.605 –> 00:17:45.925
with a microphone can become an expert.
392
00:17:46.885 –> 00:17:50.125
Everyone is throwing around terms like narcissist and toxic
393
00:17:50.505 –> 00:17:52.925
and trauma bonding and codependence,
394
00:17:53.305 –> 00:17:55.805
but most of these people aren’t trained professionals.
395
00:17:55.955 –> 00:17:59.005
They’re armchair experts and wannabe psychologists.
396
00:17:59.105 –> 00:18:03.205
So the misinformation and misguided advice is rampant.
397
00:18:03.305 –> 00:18:07.005
So now we’re an over therapized culture to aware
398
00:18:07.305 –> 00:18:10.725
of every little thing, seeking labels for everything,
399
00:18:10.945 –> 00:18:13.565
and people can end up building their entire identity
400
00:18:13.585 –> 00:18:16.005
around being an anxious attached person.
401
00:18:16.375 –> 00:18:17.605
Maybe you’ve noticed it,
402
00:18:17.705 –> 00:18:21.085
but people are now kind of overly identifying
403
00:18:21.085 –> 00:18:22.205
with their attachment style.
404
00:18:22.345 –> 00:18:25.645
I’m an avoidant, I’m anxiously attached, or I have trauma.
405
00:18:25.945 –> 00:18:27.965
And when you over identify with a problem,
406
00:18:28.225 –> 00:18:30.245
you don’t solve it, you become it.
407
00:18:30.675 –> 00:18:33.765
This isn’t healing everybody. This isn’t growth.
408
00:18:34.035 –> 00:18:37.365
It’s the opposite. So here’s what you should do instead.
409
00:18:37.545 –> 00:18:39.765
If you’re genuinely struggling to function,
410
00:18:39.985 –> 00:18:42.205
if you’re dealing with a major mental illness
411
00:18:42.305 –> 00:18:45.525
or an acute trauma or a major life transition
412
00:18:45.985 –> 00:18:49.805
and you don’t feel well, like you don’t feel like yourself,
413
00:18:50.395 –> 00:18:51.685
just like physical therapy,
414
00:18:52.155 –> 00:18:55.125
psychotherapy can absolutely help you stabilize.
415
00:18:55.625 –> 00:18:58.165
But once you’re on the surface and you’re functioning
416
00:18:58.165 –> 00:19:01.605
and you feel better and you want more, that is not therapy,
417
00:19:02.275 –> 00:19:03.805
that is coaching.
418
00:19:03.975 –> 00:19:06.965
Think about it. Serena Williams didn’t hire a
419
00:19:06.965 –> 00:19:08.765
therapist to become a champion.
420
00:19:09.265 –> 00:19:13.965
She hired a coach aiming for the 1% edge to be a champion,
421
00:19:14.435 –> 00:19:17.325
because coaching isn’t about digging into pathology,
422
00:19:17.675 –> 00:19:20.405
it’s about growth, it improvement, evolution.
423
00:19:20.595 –> 00:19:23.605
It’s about becoming the next level version of yourself.
424
00:19:23.785 –> 00:19:25.285
But here’s the critical part.
425
00:19:25.865 –> 00:19:28.165
Not all coaches are created equal.
426
00:19:28.965 –> 00:19:31.205
Coaching isn’t a regulated industry like therapy.
427
00:19:31.705 –> 00:19:34.165
And as I said, anyone can call themselves a coach.
428
00:19:34.595 –> 00:19:36.245
Just because someone achieved a goal
429
00:19:36.245 –> 00:19:38.485
for themselves doesn’t make them an expert
430
00:19:38.485 –> 00:19:39.685
at helping others.
431
00:19:40.065 –> 00:19:42.765
And just because they took a six week coaching program
432
00:19:42.905 –> 00:19:45.045
and got a certificate doesn’t mean
433
00:19:45.235 –> 00:19:46.485
they know how to help you.
434
00:19:46.745 –> 00:19:49.165
And also, I should say, just
435
00:19:49.165 –> 00:19:51.645
because they’re good at making a two to three minute video
436
00:19:51.825 –> 00:19:54.805
for social media also does not make them an expert.
437
00:19:54.905 –> 00:19:55.925
So here’s what you’re looking
438
00:19:55.985 –> 00:19:57.925
for when you’re looking for help.
439
00:19:58.785 –> 00:20:02.725
Number one, the person is living what it is you are seeking
440
00:20:02.785 –> 00:20:03.965
to achieve for yourself.
441
00:20:04.025 –> 00:20:05.565
If you want a thriving relationship,
442
00:20:05.895 –> 00:20:07.885
don’t hire a coach who’s divorced three times
443
00:20:08.185 –> 00:20:10.005
and has a s**t show of a love life.
444
00:20:10.425 –> 00:20:11.725
If you want financial freedom,
445
00:20:12.055 –> 00:20:13.725
don’t hire someone drowning in debt.
446
00:20:13.885 –> 00:20:16.765
I personally would never hire a financial advisor
447
00:20:16.905 –> 00:20:18.445
who isn’t a millionaire.
448
00:20:18.555 –> 00:20:21.885
Find someone who’s actually living the life that you want.
449
00:20:21.985 –> 00:20:24.325
Number two, look for proof.
450
00:20:24.705 –> 00:20:28.085
Expect to see proof that they’ve done it for many others,
451
00:20:28.585 –> 00:20:29.805
not just for themselves.
452
00:20:30.315 –> 00:20:32.525
Look for success stories, testimonials,
453
00:20:32.685 –> 00:20:33.765
a proven track record.
454
00:20:33.905 –> 00:20:36.725
If they’ve only been able to help themselves,
455
00:20:37.195 –> 00:20:39.685
that doesn’t mean that they are qualified to help you.
456
00:20:39.865 –> 00:20:43.485
Number three, I really truly believe in working with people
457
00:20:43.505 –> 00:20:44.525
who are credentialed.
458
00:20:44.735 –> 00:20:46.925
There must be some kind of credentials.
459
00:20:47.455 –> 00:20:49.645
Don’t work with just anyone who’s a self pro
460
00:20:49.815 –> 00:20:50.925
proclaimed guru.
461
00:20:51.225 –> 00:20:53.725
If they haven’t had extensive training, whether
462
00:20:53.725 –> 00:20:56.765
that is therapy training or lots and lots of coach training
463
00:20:56.785 –> 00:20:58.125
or a specific modality.
464
00:20:58.795 –> 00:21:02.405
Look for somebody who has certifiable credentials.
465
00:21:02.585 –> 00:21:06.045
Number four, they must have a method,
466
00:21:06.645 –> 00:21:10.405
a structured step-by-step curriculum, not just talk,
467
00:21:10.865 –> 00:21:12.685
not just what are we working on today?
468
00:21:13.365 –> 00:21:17.165
A clear roadmap, a proven process, a system
469
00:21:17.555 –> 00:21:18.725
that helps you learn
470
00:21:19.025 –> 00:21:21.685
and integrate new concepts into your life.
471
00:21:21.685 –> 00:21:24.205
That combines education and skill building
472
00:21:24.625 –> 00:21:27.045
and a combination of lots of different techniques.
473
00:21:27.235 –> 00:21:29.205
True growth and change isn’t one
474
00:21:29.205 –> 00:21:30.885
dimensional, it’s a mindset.
475
00:21:31.145 –> 00:21:33.085
And inner work combined with
476
00:21:33.225 –> 00:21:36.525
how tos talk without structure is aimless.
477
00:21:36.625 –> 00:21:40.205
Number five, make sure you have someone who is strong enough
478
00:21:40.205 –> 00:21:41.485
to be honest with you.
479
00:21:42.185 –> 00:21:43.525
No one wants to get lied to,
480
00:21:43.545 –> 00:21:47.005
but it happens all the time with the best intentions.
481
00:21:47.065 –> 00:21:49.805
But still, I have fired coaches when they just tell me I’m
482
00:21:49.805 –> 00:21:52.405
great because I want to grow to my next level.
483
00:21:52.715 –> 00:21:55.685
Challenge me, help me see what I can’t see for myself.
484
00:21:55.735 –> 00:21:57.485
Point it out to me. And here’s the thing,
485
00:21:57.485 –> 00:21:58.805
women who’ve had a lot of struggle,
486
00:21:59.105 –> 00:22:01.645
or they’ve suffered a lot, or they’ve been through trauma,
487
00:22:01.745 –> 00:22:03.725
or they’ve been widowed or they’ve been cheated on,
488
00:22:04.145 –> 00:22:06.845
or also women who have very strong personalities
489
00:22:07.395 –> 00:22:10.725
will po potentially find helpers that just lie to them
490
00:22:10.745 –> 00:22:12.965
and tiptoe around them and don’t wanna upset them
491
00:22:13.585 –> 00:22:14.885
and tell you what you want to hear.
492
00:22:15.145 –> 00:22:16.365
That’s not gonna help you.
493
00:22:16.745 –> 00:22:20.165
And finally, you need to be coachable.
494
00:22:20.945 –> 00:22:22.005
Invite the truth.
495
00:22:22.555 –> 00:22:26.565
Have a growth oriented mindset and embrace honest feedback.
496
00:22:26.905 –> 00:22:28.085
You can’t get offended
497
00:22:28.105 –> 00:22:31.565
or defensive when you know that this person is on your side,
498
00:22:31.575 –> 00:22:34.205
being your champion and giving you the feedback
499
00:22:34.205 –> 00:22:35.765
that will get you to your next level.
500
00:22:35.945 –> 00:22:38.605
It can be hard to hear, but welcome it.
501
00:22:39.265 –> 00:22:41.685
No one can help you if you’re not really
502
00:22:41.755 –> 00:22:42.845
open to being helped.
503
00:22:43.275 –> 00:22:45.245
When we’re inviting women into ready for love,
504
00:22:45.345 –> 00:22:48.845
we require them to be coachable because while we are loving
505
00:22:48.905 –> 00:22:51.125
and compassionate, we are also honest,
506
00:22:51.425 –> 00:22:54.405
and that is critical to achieving any desired outcome.
507
00:22:55.225 –> 00:22:59.325
So if this sounds all too familiar to you, hear me now,
508
00:22:59.665 –> 00:23:02.685
it is okay to end a therapy relationship
509
00:23:02.855 –> 00:23:04.405
outgrowing it is the point.
510
00:23:05.225 –> 00:23:06.525
So thanks for listening.
511
00:23:06.745 –> 00:23:08.485
If this episode resonated with you
512
00:23:08.785 –> 00:23:11.045
or you know someone who’s been in therapy for years
513
00:23:11.065 –> 00:23:13.005
and is still stuck, please share it with them.
514
00:23:13.435 –> 00:23:14.365
I’ll see you next time.
