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I once had a woman tell me that her boyfriend
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of six months broke up with her claiming
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it feels like we’ve been on 201st dates.
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Let that sink in. 201st dates with the same person.
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No thank you. That says a lot about the way they
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were interacting, doesn’t it?
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Sure first dates can be fun and flirty and sexy,
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but they’re also awkward and polished
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and carefully filtered.
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If it still feels like that six months in it’s a problem,
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the connection isn’t deepening and that’s a sign that one
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or both people are emotionally unavailable.
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Women love to talk about
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how men are emotionally unavailable,
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as if it’s a trait unique to men,
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but relationships are a mirror.
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If you keep attracting emotionally unavailable men,
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it’s not just about them, it’s about you too.
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And for high functioning women especially,
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this is a major blind spot.
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So today I’m breaking it all down.
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What emotional unavailability really is, why you’re drawn
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to it, and how to finally break the pattern.
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Hey, welcome back and if you’re new here, I’m Hilary Silver,
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former therapist turned master, coach of 25 years,
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and the founder of Ready For Love.
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I help amazing,
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high achieving women create the extraordinary love
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and life that they deserve
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by focusing on the relationship they have
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with themselves first,
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because getting everything
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that you want always starts with you.
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If you’re single and looking for love, the best place
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to find out more is to watch my free masterclass.
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You’re gonna learn exactly what we do that is
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so radically different and why it actually works.
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The link is in the description below.
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When we talk about emotional availability,
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what we are really talking about is intimacy,
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the willingness, the desire, and the ability to be intimate
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and connect with someone emotionally.
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It’s letting yourself be seen as you really are
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revealing your true full self.
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Meaning. It’s not just sharing what you did today,
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but how you were feeling when you were doing it, sharing
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what it was like to be you,
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your experience being you in this life.
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It’s not, I went to dinner with a friend, it’s, I felt
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so connected with her.
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It reminded me how much I’ve missed real conversations,
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and I realized how I’ve been so focused on work lately.
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I’ve been kind of lonely and I didn’t even realize it.
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I really wanna change my priorities
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so I have more friendships like that in my life.
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It’s that kind of sharing that is how you allow yourself
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to be seen, letting someone into your inner world
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and being with you in this way
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that is sharing your emotional self.
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And there are two main reasons people can’t
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or won’t allow it.
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First, this kind of intimacy is hot and sexy and authentic
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and raw and real, and it’s way too intense
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and scary for so many people
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because what’s at stake when you are willing
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to be seen in this super vulnerable way?
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That’s right, that you might get hurt.
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Vulnerability by definition is the willingness to get hurt,
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something most people are not willing to risk.
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In fact, when I ask women what’s their biggest fear about
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letting down their wall and being vulnerable
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and letting someone in, 95%
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of the 7,000 women I’ve spoken with in the last eight years
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say rejection.
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If I let him see the real me, he won’t like what he sees
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and he will leave.
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And then I ask, what does it mean if, if this happens,
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what does it mean if he leaves and you get rejected?
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And more often than not, they say,
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it means I’m not good enough.
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We make rejection mean. I’m not lovable.
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Something’s wrong with me or I’m not enough.
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This is a primal fear, so powerful
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that it prevents some people from ever taking that risk.
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This is what’s lurking
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behind the emotionally unavailable wall.
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Ironically, moving around in the world with this armor
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of protection in place actually creates the very rejection
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you are so desperately trying to avoid.
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The second reason you may be emotionally unavailable is
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because you simply don’t know how to interact
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and engage like this.
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Believe it or not, it is a skill when you just
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never acquired along the way.
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Maybe sharing and expressing feelings wasn’t modeled
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for you in the home growing up.
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Maybe feelings weren’t allowed
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or it wasn’t safe to express your feelings.
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Maybe no one was asking you about your feelings
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so you didn’t learn how to notice or process
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or express this within yourself in this way.
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Or maybe it’s just a part of your brain
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that isn’t as developed.
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If you’re a sy mathy, smarty pants kind of woman like that,
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it just may not be something
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that you’re naturally good at it,
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but it is a skill Anyone can learn if you wish to do so,
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and you aren’t willing to let fear keep you from it.
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And listen, this part is really important.
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Some women think they’re being emotionally available
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and open because they’re talkative or warm
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or flirty and engaging.
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They know how to connect on the surface,
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but often they’re sharing
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around their emotions not from them.
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You intellectualize your emotions talking about
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what you feel, almost like reporting it,
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but you don’t feel it in real time.
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You explain, analyze and narrate,
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but you don’t sit with the discomfort
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or express this from the heart.
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So it’s polished and charming and performing.
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It’s not actually intimacy.
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And then what happens the moment things get real, the moment
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that she catches feelings, the moment she wants him
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to like her, when she becomes invested,
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that’s when things start to go sideways.
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That’s when you suddenly lose the interest
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of someone you were actually excited about.
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It’s these moments, these emotional turning points when the
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good ones get away.
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Just like the story I mentioned earlier,
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that man wanted more from her,
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but 201st dates was no longer enough.
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The bottom line is this.
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And whether it’s fear
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or simply a lack of skill, the result is the same.
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You’re not letting people in
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and when no one can really reach you emotionally,
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that’s when the pain shows up.
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You can be in a relationship
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and still feel completely alone, sleeping next to someone,
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sharing meals, making plans,
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but never really being truly known.
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It’s the loneliest relationship.
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There is feeling like a stranger in your own relationship
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because you never really show your full
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self and they don’t either.
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And over time, that surface level connection starts
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to feel empty.
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And this is when people cheat
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or it’s when they walk away almost out of the blue,
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feeling blindsided by a breakup, not
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because the relationship was bad or broken, but really
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because it lacked the one thing we all deeply crave.
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True intimacy, maybe believing they will
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find it in someone else.
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Going from relationship to relationship
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and not realizing that the problem
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and the solution are not found in someone else
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but inside of themselves instead.
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And if you’re single, this shows up in a different way.
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You go on dates, maybe even lots of them,
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but you don’t get past the first few dates
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or the first few months.
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The ones that you really like don’t pursue you.
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And if it does last longer, it never deepens.
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You say something’s missing
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or he’s emotionally unavailable, and maybe that’s true.
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But if you’re honest, there’s also a part of you
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that’s withholding, that’s guarded, that’s performing
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or pleasing or trying to control the image that they have
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of you instead of being real.
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The truth is emotionally unavailable.
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People are attracted to emotionally unavailable people.
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And two people can stay in collusion in a relationship
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for years comfortably avoiding true intimacy
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and even functioning well
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as teammates and lifestyle buddies.
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But it feels empty.
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And eventually one or both will feel starved for more.
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A deep longing and ache in the bones.
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The only way to break the pattern is
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to stop focusing on them
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and to start becoming emotionally available yourself.
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Because once you are,
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you feel it immediately when someone else isn’t,
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and you don’t waste your time trying to pull it out of them.
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You don’t question your worth.
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You just simply move on because it’s not enough for you.
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Because you’ve learned what real connection feels like,
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and anything less just doesn’t cut it anymore.
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So if you want love that’s real love, that’s deep
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and nourishing and safe, and you want to be seen,
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and to have someone actually bear witness
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to your existence in this most profound way, you have
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to be willing to go first, to take the risk,
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to learn this skill, to be the version
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of you who’s no longer hiding behind the wall,
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and to expand your capacity for emotional connection.
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It’s not easy, but you can do it. And it’s everything.
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It’s just everything.
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So if you’re ready to stop attracting emotionally
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unavailable men and
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to start creating true emotional connection in your life,
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watch my free masterclass.
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It’s specifically designed for high achieving women
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who already have everything else in life except love
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and are really ready to make that change.
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The link is in the description and in the show notes.
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I will see you there. And if this resonated,
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let me know in the comments like and subscribe
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and make sure that you check out the rest
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of the Summer of Love series.
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We’re only just getting started.
