1
00:00:00.060 –> 00:00:04.059
If it seems like everyone you’re attracting is a narcissist, or
2
00:00:04.140 –> 00:00:08.119
you have a pattern of falling for men who turn out to be selfish,
3
00:00:08.160 –> 00:00:12.040
manipulative, or emotionally unhealthy, this episode
4
00:00:12.200 –> 00:00:16.180
is a must listen because I’m going to tell you something no one else in your life
5
00:00:16.219 –> 00:00:19.740
is willing to say and it’s the one thing that you need to hear
6
00:00:19.860 –> 00:00:23.780
most. This isn’t another list of red flags or tricks to spot
7
00:00:23.790 –> 00:00:26.280
the next narcissist. You’ve already done all of that.
8
00:00:26.340 –> 00:00:29.880
Instead, I’m going to tell you the truth about why these men keep
9
00:00:29.960 –> 00:00:33.560
finding you and how you’ve been unknowingly
10
00:00:33.660 –> 00:00:37.200
attracting them. In fact, you’ve been a magnet for them
11
00:00:37.640 –> 00:00:41.540
and don’t even know it. So today’s episode will set you free and
12
00:00:41.620 –> 00:00:45.240
help you eliminate this exhausting, painful pattern
13
00:00:45.360 –> 00:00:46.320
once and for all.
14
00:00:46.330 –> 00:00:51.220
(upbeat music)
15
00:00:51.240 –> 00:00:54.840
So let’s start with what you’re actually dealing with here.
16
00:00:54.880 –> 00:00:58.460
There are a lot of different kinds of narcissists, believe it or not.
17
00:00:58.480 –> 00:01:01.960
The covert ones, the charming ones, the grandiose, the wounded, the
18
00:01:02.060 –> 00:01:05.360
manipulative. And each type engages in relationships
19
00:01:05.400 –> 00:01:08.710
differently, so the nuances are ever so slightly
20
00:01:08.720 –> 00:01:12.580
different, but we’re not gonna get that granular today because
21
00:01:12.660 –> 00:01:16.600
trying to decode or diagnose them is not going to help you
22
00:01:16.720 –> 00:01:20.560
steer clear of them. In fact, the whole point of our conversation
23
00:01:20.600 –> 00:01:24.580
today is that it’s not about them at all because
24
00:01:24.740 –> 00:01:28.530
studying their psychology, trying to figure them out only
25
00:01:28.680 –> 00:01:32.620
sucks you further into their world and continues to have you
26
00:01:32.660 –> 00:01:36.270
focusing on them. Haven’t we all just had about enough of that
27
00:01:36.320 –> 00:01:40.150
already? Yes, we have. It is time to focus on you.
28
00:01:40.200 –> 00:01:44.080
So first, let’s talk about what it feels like to be in a relationship with a
29
00:01:44.140 –> 00:01:47.940
narcissist. It’s very unpleasant, but for those of you
30
00:01:47.980 –> 00:01:51.900
who’ve not experienced it, you need to understand how soul sucking it
31
00:01:52.000 –> 00:01:55.840
is. And for those of you who have been in it, it will just help you
32
00:01:55.880 –> 00:01:59.300
feel validated. So in the beginning, it can feel
33
00:01:59.340 –> 00:02:02.600
magical. He comes in fast and intense and
34
00:02:02.660 –> 00:02:06.160
confident, and he mirrors your energy and says all the right
35
00:02:06.200 –> 00:02:09.960
things. So maybe he’s charming and well liked by many people
36
00:02:10.460 –> 00:02:13.180
so you feel seen and chosen and special and
37
00:02:13.240 –> 00:02:17.180
understood. It feels like a connection that you’ve been waiting for your
38
00:02:17.220 –> 00:02:19.890
entire life, and that’s how they hook you.
39
00:02:19.890 –> 00:02:23.210
And then, little by little, something shifts.
40
00:02:23.260 –> 00:02:27.190
He says something critical of you, he twists your words into something
41
00:02:27.240 –> 00:02:30.560
you didn’t mean, or he uses something that you shared with
42
00:02:30.640 –> 00:02:34.590
him against you later. He says one thing one day and
43
00:02:34.640 –> 00:02:38.080
another opposite thing the next. He’ll do something
44
00:02:38.140 –> 00:02:41.700
hurtful and then tell you it didn’t happen or that you misunderstood
45
00:02:42.080 –> 00:02:43.660
or that you’re just too sensitive.
46
00:02:43.720 –> 00:02:47.500
At first, you might just kinda overlook some of these things because it
47
00:02:47.540 –> 00:02:51.500
doesn’t seem like a big deal. Maybe you were mistaken or confused.
48
00:02:51.520 –> 00:02:55.280
Maybe you did misunderstand. But then it happens more often and it
49
00:02:55.400 –> 00:02:59.280
always seems to be your fault. You apologize and bend over
50
00:02:59.320 –> 00:03:03.280
backwards to keep the peace, just in case maybe he’s right and you did cause
51
00:03:03.340 –> 00:03:06.740
the problem. Then he’s sad because of something you
52
00:03:06.840 –> 00:03:10.580
did. He’s angry because you pushed him there, so you find
53
00:03:10.620 –> 00:03:14.350
yourself caretaking his feelings and tiptoeing around his
54
00:03:14.380 –> 00:03:17.820
moods trying to manage his reactions before they even
55
00:03:17.860 –> 00:03:21.320
happen. Slowly, you start losing your grip on
56
00:03:21.360 –> 00:03:24.880
reality. You begin to question yourself, your
57
00:03:24.920 –> 00:03:27.900
memory, your judgment, and your worth.
58
00:03:27.920 –> 00:03:31.180
And without even realizing it, you’ve all but disappeared.
59
00:03:31.640 –> 00:03:35.240
The relationship becomes all about him, his moods, his
60
00:03:35.300 –> 00:03:38.200
needs, his problems, his timeline.
61
00:03:38.320 –> 00:03:42.140
You have all but disappeared in this relationship and you really no
62
00:03:42.220 –> 00:03:44.240
longer recognize yourself at all.
63
00:03:44.280 –> 00:03:48.250
The woman that you were at the beginning is now anxious, walking
64
00:03:48.320 –> 00:03:52.140
on eggshells, and constantly second guessing everything she says
65
00:03:52.280 –> 00:03:55.210
and does, a hollowed out version of herself.
66
00:03:55.300 –> 00:03:58.440
I know that sounds like a lot, but I am not exaggerating.
67
00:03:58.480 –> 00:04:01.600
It is literally like getting sucked into a vortex.
68
00:04:01.640 –> 00:04:05.420
Breaking away from a relationship like this is hard
69
00:04:05.480 –> 00:04:09.260
because it happens so slowly and suddenly that by the time you realize what’s going
70
00:04:09.300 –> 00:04:13.120
on, you’ve already lost pieces of yourself and
71
00:04:13.640 –> 00:04:15.760
so you’re not as strong as you used to be.
72
00:04:15.820 –> 00:04:18.880
So when it ends, you’re not just heartbroken, you’re
73
00:04:18.899 –> 00:04:21.920
disoriented. You don’t even trust yourself.
74
00:04:21.940 –> 00:04:24.200
You don’t even know what’s real anymore.
75
00:04:24.220 –> 00:04:28.180
And it can take time to really recover from a relationship like this
76
00:04:28.220 –> 00:04:32.130
and to settle yourself and to find your sense of reality and normal
77
00:04:32.130 –> 00:04:35.640
again. Here’s the most unfathomable part.
78
00:04:35.700 –> 00:04:39.510
You’d think that going through that kind of experience would keep you from
79
00:04:39.580 –> 00:04:42.740
ever falling forward again, but it doesn’t.
80
00:04:42.800 –> 00:04:45.860
It happens all the time. We’ve done over
81
00:04:45.900 –> 00:04:49.480
15,000 consultations with women looking for our
82
00:04:49.500 –> 00:04:52.620
help and ready for love, and I’ve heard it all.
83
00:04:52.660 –> 00:04:56.600
Women will go through the terrible acrimonious process of
84
00:04:56.640 –> 00:05:00.620
divorcing or leaving a narcissist only to date or get into
85
00:05:00.660 –> 00:05:04.040
another relationship with yet another narcissist.
86
00:05:04.060 –> 00:05:04.600
And so
87
00:05:05.420 –> 00:05:09.160
this is where so many women are let down by the very
88
00:05:09.260 –> 00:05:13.140
people they rely on and trust, people who are supposed to help them
89
00:05:13.300 –> 00:05:17.240
heal, therapists, coaches, especially
90
00:05:17.280 –> 00:05:20.880
those who call themselves narcissistic abuse helpers.
91
00:05:20.890 –> 00:05:24.380
They all point to the narcissist as the scary, big, bad
92
00:05:24.460 –> 00:05:27.900
wolf, and here’s why. They all say the same thing.
93
00:05:27.910 –> 00:05:31.080
“He’s such a narcissist. He’s crazy. He’s toxic.
94
00:05:31.120 –> 00:05:35.080
You poor thing. You didn’t deserve that.” And while all of that
95
00:05:35.120 –> 00:05:39.000
might be true, none of that will actually
96
00:05:39.060 –> 00:05:42.920
help you. They say that because all that you’ve been through is so
97
00:05:42.980 –> 00:05:46.790
utterly traumatic and abusive. They don’t wanna make you feel bad.
98
00:05:46.820 –> 00:05:49.150
They don’t wanna make things worse for you.
99
00:05:49.160 –> 00:05:53.140
They wanna put their arms around you and hold you and hug you and help you and
100
00:05:53.180 –> 00:05:56.900
make you feel better, but none of that will actually help
101
00:05:56.980 –> 00:06:00.470
you be better. Pointing the finger at him-…
102
00:06:00.520 –> 00:06:04.060
keeps the entire conversation centered on
103
00:06:04.140 –> 00:06:07.760
him, what he did to you, and how awful he is.
104
00:06:07.800 –> 00:06:11.060
They are trying to be supportive and helpful, I know.
105
00:06:11.080 –> 00:06:14.400
Most people aren’t going to turn that finger back at you
106
00:06:14.960 –> 00:06:18.920
after all that you’ve been through because that would be perceived as blaming the
107
00:06:18.960 –> 00:06:22.770
victim, right? No one in their right mind would dare do
108
00:06:22.800 –> 00:06:26.400
that. So the real question that goes unasked and
109
00:06:26.460 –> 00:06:30.220
unanswered, but it’s the one question that will actually
110
00:06:30.290 –> 00:06:34.140
set you free and keep you from ever getting involved with another
111
00:06:34.180 –> 00:06:38.040
narcissist ever again, that question is this, but what
112
00:06:38.100 –> 00:06:41.220
about you? (laughs) What did you
113
00:06:41.240 –> 00:06:44.560
do? What’s your role here? What’s your
114
00:06:44.620 –> 00:06:48.480
contribution to this dynamic? What’s going on inside of
115
00:06:48.580 –> 00:06:51.720
you that made this dynamic possible in the first
116
00:06:51.760 –> 00:06:55.389
place? What was going on with you before you met this
117
00:06:55.440 –> 00:06:59.080
person that made it possible for him to come
118
00:06:59.140 –> 00:07:02.800
along and do this with you? That is the part
119
00:07:03.180 –> 00:07:06.540
no one wants to touch. So listen, the
120
00:07:06.640 –> 00:07:10.420
narcissist and all the chaos they bring, yeah,
121
00:07:10.500 –> 00:07:14.260
they are a big fucking problem, a massive problem, but that is
122
00:07:14.320 –> 00:07:17.760
not your problem. You are your own
123
00:07:17.820 –> 00:07:21.660
problem. (laughs) We all are, always.
124
00:07:21.820 –> 00:07:25.610
There is something that you are thinking, feeling, believing, or doing.
125
00:07:25.660 –> 00:07:29.560
Your way of showing up in your love life is making you a magnet
126
00:07:29.600 –> 00:07:33.220
for these men. And the problem with narcissistic abuse recovery
127
00:07:33.820 –> 00:07:37.720
is that the entire focus is on what they did to you,
128
00:07:37.760 –> 00:07:41.510
which means you never look at what was going on with you
129
00:07:41.840 –> 00:07:44.620
before he showed up, the things about you that made you
130
00:07:44.720 –> 00:07:48.580
susceptible to attracting and being sucked in by someone
131
00:07:48.620 –> 00:07:52.200
like this in the first place. These are you
132
00:07:52.280 –> 00:07:55.920
issues. And if you only focus on what he did to
133
00:07:56.120 –> 00:07:59.760
you, you don’t learn where you went wrong.
134
00:07:59.840 –> 00:08:03.040
You don’t heal those parts of you that existed before he came
135
00:08:03.080 –> 00:08:06.800
along. And guess what? That is exactly how it happens
136
00:08:06.860 –> 00:08:10.620
again. If you don’t change, then your reality
137
00:08:10.660 –> 00:08:13.460
doesn’t change, your story doesn’t change.
138
00:08:13.540 –> 00:08:17.520
You just repeat the patterns over and over again, but
139
00:08:17.560 –> 00:08:21.400
continue to blame the narcissist and gather an
140
00:08:21.460 –> 00:08:24.780
army of supporters around you pointing to him as the
141
00:08:24.820 –> 00:08:28.810
problem and so on and so on. So while it
142
00:08:28.900 –> 00:08:32.620
is hard to own up to being part of the problem when they have been
143
00:08:32.640 –> 00:08:36.520
so incredibly abusive and toxic and harmful, it
144
00:08:36.620 –> 00:08:39.809
is the only way to ensure it never happens
145
00:08:39.840 –> 00:08:43.780
again. You can make sure of it. It makes perfect sense when
146
00:08:43.860 –> 00:08:47.680
I say it like that, right? And let’s be honest, you’ve probably asked
147
00:08:47.720 –> 00:08:51.380
yourself, “What is it with me? Why does this keep happening to me?
148
00:08:51.440 –> 00:08:55.360
How did I not see it?” You’re asking yourself those questions, so
149
00:08:55.420 –> 00:08:58.720
let’s answer them now. I’m going to tell you the truth right now
150
00:08:59.220 –> 00:09:03.040
without shame or blame, what no one else is willing to say to you
151
00:09:03.540 –> 00:09:07.379
that makes you a sitting duck, that makes you easy prey
152
00:09:07.440 –> 00:09:11.140
for these types in your life so that you can safeguard yourself from
153
00:09:11.180 –> 00:09:15.100
it. First, stop focusing on how he hurt
154
00:09:15.200 –> 00:09:18.440
you and be willing to see how you hurt
155
00:09:18.500 –> 00:09:22.420
you. Let me say that again. Stop focusing on
156
00:09:22.480 –> 00:09:26.080
how he hurt you and be willing to look at how
157
00:09:26.200 –> 00:09:29.800
you hurt you. It’s a perspective shift for sure
158
00:09:30.340 –> 00:09:33.700
because when you overlook or allow bad behavior,
159
00:09:33.800 –> 00:09:37.460
minimize their hurtful comments, make excuses for him,
160
00:09:37.580 –> 00:09:41.120
doubt yourself, compromise your boundaries, and put your worth
161
00:09:41.640 –> 00:09:45.580
in his hands, this is self-betrayal and self-abandonment, and
162
00:09:45.640 –> 00:09:48.920
that is the worst kind because you’ve done it to yourself.
163
00:09:48.940 –> 00:09:52.740
This is about your relationship with yourself, and if you
164
00:09:52.780 –> 00:09:56.540
refuse to own it, you’ll continue to do this with the next guy and the
165
00:09:56.580 –> 00:09:59.580
next. It’s a you problem, not a him
166
00:09:59.600 –> 00:10:03.560
problem. And being like this is 100% what makes
167
00:10:03.600 –> 00:10:07.150
you attractive to a narcissist. As I said, we all
168
00:10:07.180 –> 00:10:09.690
contribute to the dynamics we’re in.
169
00:10:09.720 –> 00:10:13.380
If you refuse to see your role in it, you will only just
170
00:10:13.440 –> 00:10:17.300
repeat it over and over again. Who were you
171
00:10:17.340 –> 00:10:21.160
before he came along? This is the work you need to
172
00:10:21.240 –> 00:10:24.860
do on yourself, not the healing from what he did, but
173
00:10:24.940 –> 00:10:28.410
healing from something prior to that relationship.
174
00:10:28.460 –> 00:10:31.680
Second, stop focusing on how to avoid the
175
00:10:31.700 –> 00:10:35.540
narcissist. I know you never want this to happen again,
176
00:10:35.600 –> 00:10:39.480
so you’re hyper-vigilant now. You have your binoculars out and your microscope
177
00:10:39.560 –> 00:10:42.079
out so you can scout out all the red flags.
178
00:10:42.150 –> 00:10:45.800
You’re scrutinizing and dissecting and looking for all the
179
00:10:45.860 –> 00:10:49.800
signs that this next guy might be a narcissist all so you
180
00:10:49.840 –> 00:10:53.470
can avoid it. This is like going on a scavenger hunt where you’re looking for the
181
00:10:53.540 –> 00:10:57.420
thing that you want to find. But if you keep operating this way, you
182
00:10:57.460 –> 00:11:00.600
will only get more of them in your life.
183
00:11:00.660 –> 00:11:04.500
That is how it works because it- you get what you expect.
184
00:11:04.510 –> 00:11:07.590
The universe gives you what you focus on.
185
00:11:07.640 –> 00:11:11.180
So stop focusing on what you don’t want and
186
00:11:11.240 –> 00:11:14.780
instead focus on what you do want and learn to
187
00:11:14.900 –> 00:11:18.640
trust yourself. Get to a point where you know that if
188
00:11:19.280 –> 00:11:22.880
this guy ever crosses your path, you can handle it
189
00:11:23.380 –> 00:11:26.630
because you know what works for you and what doesn’t.
190
00:11:26.660 –> 00:11:30.069
Again, it’s about you. Stay in your own lane,
191
00:11:30.100 –> 00:11:33.740
fearlessly putting yourself out there, free and clear to let love
192
00:11:33.860 –> 00:11:37.560
in. Now you are showing up relaxed, light,
193
00:11:37.620 –> 00:11:41.470
fun, and your best self, knowing you will always get your own back.
194
00:11:41.500 –> 00:11:45.060
Here’s the truth: You don’t stop attracting a narcissist
195
00:11:45.400 –> 00:11:49.360
by becoming an expert on them. You stop by becoming
196
00:11:49.460 –> 00:11:53.411
deeply loyal to you. And third-You need to know
197
00:11:53.432 –> 00:11:57.252
the magnet traits that make you a target so you
198
00:11:57.312 –> 00:12:01.212
can flip them. These are the patterns that make you easy access
199
00:12:01.252 –> 00:12:04.612
for takers, and none of these mean that you’re broken.
200
00:12:04.632 –> 00:12:07.391
They just signal where you’ve been abandoning yourself.
201
00:12:07.432 –> 00:12:09.092
So we’re gonna go through the list now.
202
00:12:09.132 –> 00:12:11.672
The first magnet trait is people-pleasing.
203
00:12:11.732 –> 00:12:15.372
You perform to be liked, loved, and accepted, which teaches
204
00:12:15.552 –> 00:12:17.911
others that your needs are optional.
205
00:12:17.952 –> 00:12:21.552
You train people that you don’t matter, which is perfect for a narcissist, right?
206
00:12:21.572 –> 00:12:23.692
Because then they can take up all the space.
207
00:12:23.752 –> 00:12:27.592
Second, conflict avoidance. You bite your tongue to keep the
208
00:12:27.632 –> 00:12:31.271
peace, but meanwhile allow your boundaries to be crossed.
209
00:12:31.332 –> 00:12:34.452
You ghost yourself before he even can.
210
00:12:34.492 –> 00:12:38.361
Third, you’re starving for attention and you’re hungry for
211
00:12:38.472 –> 00:12:42.291
love, so any hit of interest feels like oxygen.
212
00:12:42.332 –> 00:12:44.911
You accept crumbs and call it connection.
213
00:12:44.972 –> 00:12:47.992
Fourth, chasing external validation.
214
00:12:48.012 –> 00:12:51.291
When his approval provides your worth, you’d do
215
00:12:51.312 –> 00:12:55.291
anything, including putting yourself at risk or sacrificing
216
00:12:55.352 –> 00:12:58.972
yourself to get it. Fifth, needing to be needed.
217
00:12:59.031 –> 00:13:02.791
So the rescuer, helper, fixer empath types, that’s who I’m talking
218
00:13:02.832 –> 00:13:06.692
about right now. You over-give and over-function to feel
219
00:13:06.852 –> 00:13:10.592
valuable and in control, inviting takers to plug
220
00:13:10.632 –> 00:13:14.472
into your endless power source at your own expense.
221
00:13:14.512 –> 00:13:18.172
What all of these have in common is that they are all a
222
00:13:18.291 –> 00:13:22.172
low vibrational frequency. In fact, it’s the lowest
223
00:13:22.412 –> 00:13:25.641
that you can vibrate at, this victim-martyr energy.
224
00:13:25.651 –> 00:13:29.192
And here’s what happens. Like attracts like, so you
225
00:13:29.252 –> 00:13:32.872
attract the men who also don’t feel good about themselves.
226
00:13:32.932 –> 00:13:36.771
It presents differently for each of you, but like a puzzle piece, you fit
227
00:13:36.832 –> 00:13:40.492
together. There is no shame in loving hard and loving
228
00:13:40.612 –> 00:13:44.592
fully. Your giving, nurturing, big-hearted, lots of love to
229
00:13:44.712 –> 00:13:48.372
give empathy is not the problem, but doing
230
00:13:48.452 –> 00:13:51.932
that without an internalized sense of worth
231
00:13:52.692 –> 00:13:56.002
and without discernment is a problem.
232
00:13:56.051 –> 00:13:59.972
When you are willing to see how you have contributed to and
233
00:14:00.072 –> 00:14:03.192
co-created the dynamics that you’ve been experiencing in
234
00:14:03.211 –> 00:14:07.192
relationships, you can then do your own healing work
235
00:14:07.612 –> 00:14:11.412
and raise your frequency so you’re no longer available for
236
00:14:11.512 –> 00:14:14.551
any relationship that requires you to abandon
237
00:14:14.592 –> 00:14:18.312
yourself. This is the only way to assure
238
00:14:18.391 –> 00:14:22.072
yourself. Do promise yourself that you will never let it
239
00:14:22.151 –> 00:14:26.031
happen again. You must fully own your role
240
00:14:26.112 –> 00:14:30.012
in the dynamic of attracting a narcissist because until
241
00:14:30.072 –> 00:14:33.182
you do, nothing’s gonna change for you.
242
00:14:33.212 –> 00:14:36.602
You will get back out there and do it again and again and again and
243
00:14:36.651 –> 00:14:40.632
again. That is the trap. So please, please hear my words
244
00:14:40.672 –> 00:14:44.472
today. No shame. No blame. We’re just solving a
245
00:14:44.512 –> 00:14:48.382
problem that is totally solvable because I’m willing to tell you, and you’re
246
00:14:48.412 –> 00:14:51.852
hopefully willing to hear, how you are creating this for yourself.
247
00:14:51.862 –> 00:14:55.352
This is the only way to assure yourself, do promise
248
00:14:55.412 –> 00:14:58.852
yourself that you will never ever let it happen again.
249
00:14:58.872 –> 00:15:01.672
Thanks for being here. Thanks for hearing my tough love.
250
00:15:01.791 –> 00:15:04.031
I hope you enjoyed our conversation.
251
00:15:04.072 –> 00:15:07.432
Please share it with someone who needs to hear it so you don’t have to be the one
252
00:15:07.442 –> 00:15:08.771
saying it. I’ll see you next
253
00:15:08.812 –> 00:15:19.051
time.
