How Women Feel Inadequate For Love

Transcript

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So today’s topic is about

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how women feel inadequate for love.

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And it may not be something that is in the top of your mind

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that you automatically are aware of.

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Um, but if you are really honest with yourself,

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you have moments where you do feel that way.

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And what I want you to know is

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that it is an epidemic among women.

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Um, even high achieving successful women who seem

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to have it all deeply inside, have this feeling

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of inadequacy if they’re single

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and not having success in their love life.

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And that’s what we’re gonna talk about today, okay?

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So I know a lot of you here

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like to think about yourself as successful, capable,

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competent, and you are intellectually, you know,

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you’re a great catch, right?

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I hear this every day. I take great care of myself.

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I have a great job. I’m independent. I don’t need a man.

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I just want someone to share my life with.

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So intellectually you understand that you’re a great catch

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and that you deserve love.

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But underneath it all, there is an epidemic.

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And I know this because I’ve spoken

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with in just the last three years alone,

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since I left my practice

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and have been online, I’ve spoken with 4,000 women,

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4,000 women in just the last three plus years alone.

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It’s an epidemic that if you honestly get down to the root

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of everything, and you’re in a moment

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where you’ve been ghosted

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or you’re having a moment where

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you thought the date went really well,

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and then he doesn’t ask you out again,

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or you never hear from him again.

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If you immediately go to that place, what did I do wrong?

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I’m not enough. Or of course this happened,

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or, you know, he was too good for me.

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Of course he didn’t like me.

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If you go to any place like that, then you are struggling

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with this, okay?

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And it’s okay, but I’m here to help you pass that.

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And, um, the epidemic is really that.

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You’re feeling like a failure.

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You’re feeling disappointment.

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You’re feeling, um, like something’s wrong with you,

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that you’re inadequate and you can’t have love.

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And especially if you’ve not really been successful in your

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life, having this, right?

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Um, you’re, and that’s

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because there’s a belief, there is a universal

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notion that love should come naturally,

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that relationships and love should be easy.

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It shouldn’t have to be this hard. I shouldn’t have to try.

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And let me ask, is there any other area in your life

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where you go try to do

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Something and do it successfully,

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but you’ve not been taught, you don’t have skills,

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you don’t have tools, you haven’t had a model for it,

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you haven’t been trained, right?

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You haven’t been educated. Is there any other, hi, Debbie.

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Is there any other area in your life besides love

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and relationships where you are expected to go be successful

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and to do something really well with the amount of training

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and education and mentoring

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that you’ve had with your love life?

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There is not. There’s not, okay.

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Um, well, maybe, maybe I take that back.

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Maybe we aren’t really taught very well in this country,

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at least about how to do finances.

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We’re not, I mean, I don’t remember

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learning about investments and budgeting

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and not living beyond my means and all that stuff.

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So potentially finances,

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but maybe that’s why Americans are so in debt.

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And also, we’re not taught about nutrition

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the way we should be.

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We’re not taught about mental health the way we should be

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in school too, right?

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If we were all taught basic mental health skills

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and tools, like how to hear your thinking and,

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and how to dis distinguish between a thought

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that you’re having and what’s real

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or how to, to understand that your,

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your emotional state is connected to your thinking.

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If we had those kinds of, uh, training programs in school,

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our mental health as a collective society would be better.

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And if we were taught about nutrition and portion

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and whole foods and not fast foods

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and making choices of convenience versus choices of,

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of health, maybe we wouldn’t be such an

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obese country either.

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So I, I changed my mind.

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There are lots of other things that we are not trained at,

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but the evidence supports what I was saying anyway, which is

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that we are failures in these areas

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where we’ve not been trained.

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And I’m saying this because if you have a belief

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and you are living by this notion that doing love

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and relationships should be easy,

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that it should come natural,

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and that you are entitled to it,

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and that it is your birthright and everyone gets this.

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When it’s not happening for you, you’re going

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to feel like something is wrong with you, right?

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If it’s so easy, but

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yet you are not doing it, you are a failure.

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Something’s wrong with you. Doesn’t that make sense?

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And that’s going to make you feel like s**t.

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It’s going to make you feel like you can’t have something

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that everyone else gets.

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Um, okay.

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And so the, the truth is, most of us learn

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what we don’t want in a relationship from our

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upbringing, okay?

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Most of us see, you know, in our generation,

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like I’m 48, like I said, so those of you who are between 40

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and 60 or over

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or just a little under, we saw an old model

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that is antiquated and doesn’t work.

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And we saw, uh, a lot of dysfunction

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and a lot of, um, business arrangements as marriages.

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We saw bickering, fighting, arguing, abuse.

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Maybe we saw tiptoeing around

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and sweeping things under the rug

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and not talking about things and not fighting.

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And for those of you who did see a great model,

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yet you’re struggling.

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That’s even harder because you’re probably thinking,

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why am I so f****d up?

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I had a great childhood, my parents had a great marriage,

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which by the way is there’s always something.

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’cause nothing’s perfect. My husband

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and I have an amazing relationship, but it’s not perfect.

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And my kids are gonna go have to figure out

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how we f****d them up someday when they’re older.

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So nothing’s perfect. So you were given this model.

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You were, you know, groomed and conditioned

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and programmed in this household.

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Whatever you saw, whether it was your parents

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or grandparents or caregivers

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or whatever, you didn’t learn this in church or temple

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or synagogue or therapy or school anywhere along the way.

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And if you’re like, most of the women I’ve talked to,

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you haven’t been successful doing it yourself along the way.

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So how could you be successful

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at this thing called love and intimacy and relationships

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and to do this well when you don’t know what you’re doing?

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Okay? If you were as unsure of yourself

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at at work as you are with men,

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would you be successful at work?

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No. But at work, you’ve gotten your degree,

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you’ve been trained, you’ve had certifications,

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jobs give you training.

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Even if you’re educated

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and to the hilt, you still start a new job

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and HR will train you on things.

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Okay? We get mentoring at,

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at jobs in our careers.

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We get mentors, and that’s okay

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and expected executive coaching people do it all the time.

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So when it comes to love,

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and I’m not here to sell anything today, I’m here

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to make you feel better today, I want you to understand

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that if you are struggling

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with feeling like something’s wrong with you,

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that you’re inadequate, that you’re incapable,

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that you’re broken, that you’re deficient,

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that there’s something about you

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that disqualifies you from love

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because you’ve not been successful.

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It’s because you have a belief

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and so does our society as a whole, that love

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and relationships happens naturally,

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and it should come easy.

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And so I want to propose an alternative concept

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or just plant a new seed of thought in your head.

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Okay? What if the idea

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of love, what if the feeling of love,

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What if the deservability of love is not the same thing

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as the skill of love, of knowing how

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to do love?

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That’s different. I believe we are all entitled to

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and deserving of being happy and having love,

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but when we’re not getting something that we want,

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living on that premise

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and not doing something proactive to get what you need

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to be successful means you’re going

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to keep doing what’s not working

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and then continue to believe that something’s wrong

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with you, that you’re not getting love.

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And so just like if you were having trouble losing weight,

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you would do some kind of a program, go to the gym,

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go get a fitness trainer, work

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with a nutritionist, try a diet plan.

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You would do something to lose the weight.

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Um, if you were having trouble in your career,

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you would get a career coach

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or you would take a new certification,

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or you would invest in yourself to get to that next level.

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Okay? Hi, Maya.

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Um, so I’m proposing this new

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idea that I really want you to hold onto, which is

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you’re not deficient, you are not inadequate,

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you are not broken or undeserving of love simply

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because you’ve not been successful at it.

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You’ve just been operating on the premise that I don’t have

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to teach myself how to do love and relationships.

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Well, I, it should be something that I know how

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to do, but you don’t.

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And that’s okay. But you have to decide you’re going

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to learn so that you can be successful.

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Because the problem is, um,

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if you continue to insist on continuing to do

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what you’ve always done, you’ll con,

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you’ll just dig in deeper

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and to the belief that you’re broken.

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And slowly over time, it will decimate your soul,

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it will destroy you, and you won’t have the love

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because you’ll be so wounded from a lifetime of believing

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that you’re not enough, that you won’t be able to have love.

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Okay? Um, it’s,

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it’s really important to understand

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that if you are not being successful in your love

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life, that it’s, it’s your responsibility

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to go figure out what you need to do

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to change the results that you’re getting. And like

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I teach to my clients,

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whether you’re in my vi they’re in my VIP group

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or in the DIY program, that

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it’s, um, I just lost my train of thought.

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Um, sorry guys. I’m not feeling so well today.

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Um, I guess I’m done.

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I’ve said it. I’m just repeating myself over and over again.

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It’s not your fault that you don’t know

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what you’re doing, okay?

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But if you’re gonna use that as an excuse

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or insist on continuing to do what you always do,

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you’re gonna keep getting what you’ve always gotten.

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I know what I was gonna say. Think about how long

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you’ve been doing what you do with men,

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the way you’re showing up with men.

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Now in your thirties, late thirties, forties, fifties,

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sixties, how far back does that go for you?

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Where did you learn that behavior?

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Were you acting that way when you were a kid? Probably.

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Okay. And I might make the connection.

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Are you doing these behaviors and acting this way

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and feeling this way and thinking this way about yourself

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and doing these things in other areas of your life?

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Are your friendships struggling?

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Are your family relationships struggling?

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Relationships with your kids, your coworkers,

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your colleagues, um, your clients?

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Are you doing any

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of these things in other relationships too?

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What we do, whether it’s comfortable

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or not, is familiar.

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And so you’d keep doing what you always do

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because you know how to do that.

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You know how to do disappointment.

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You know how to do getting rejected.

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You know how to do it never works out for me.

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You know how to do. I’m the single one.

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I’m always the single one. You know how to do these things.

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And so you’re used to it even if it f*****g sucks.

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And it’s time to change your story.

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And it starts with

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understanding what I’m talking about today.

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So, quick little recap. You’re not inadequate.

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There’s an epidemic of women who believe deep down

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that they are inadequate for love,

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despite any outward appearance of success in other areas

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of life, if they’re not having the kind of love

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that they want, and it causes shame and embarrassment

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and then fear of getting out there

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again and messing up again.

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And so the reason you feel inadequate is

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because as a collective society, we believe

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and have this notion that love should be easy.

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It should come natural. And so when it’s not happening

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for you, and you know everybody’s entitled to it,

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but it’s not happening for you,

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there’s something wrong with you.

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And the idea is f****d up.

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It’s not true, not love and relationships don’t

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Come easy. And

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my husband and I work at our relationship

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and we work at it hard because we value it, okay?

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And so if you value your happiness and,

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and being joyful and living your fullest potential

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and having that kind of life that includes sharing that

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with somebody who cares about you and is curious about you

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and wants what you want for yourself, um,

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then you can’t just keep going status quo.

295
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And you can’t keep going on autopilot

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or being a passenger in your life

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and continuing to believe it should happen,

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or the right guy will come along and fix everything.

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The feeling of love and deserving of love is one thing.

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Knowing how to do it is another. Okay?

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So if you can make that distinction within yourself,

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maybe the inadequacy will just shed

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and fall away and melt away.

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And maybe you’ll just realize,

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I need to do something about this.

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I need to learn what I don’t know how to do.

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I didn’t have a good model.

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I didn’t learn the skills and the tools.

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Um, I’ve got some blocks that I need to figure out how

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to get out of my own way.

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Okay? That’s it.

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And there’s no shame in needing help in learning this

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just part of your life.

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There’s just no shame in it.

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I needed help because I was f****d up

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and I got the help that I needed and I’m here now.

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Okay? It didn’t come easily for me.

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It did not happen naturally for me.

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I struggled and I suffered and I was in so much pain.

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I was lonely, I was heartbroken. I felt, I felt broken.

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I felt there was something wrong with me.

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I didn’t know what I was doing. I was clueless.

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And I got the help that I needed.

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And it’s come full circle for me.

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And here I am helping women all around the world.

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So I just want you to do something about it

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and stop suffering, okay?

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Stop stabbing yourself in the heart

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and continuing to set yourself up

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for pain and heartbreak because you’re used to it.

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You know how to do that. Don’t you wanna get used

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to doing something different?

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Yay, Kristen.

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