Why Women Pick Weak Men

Transcript

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Today we’re gonna be talking about why some women

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pick weak men.

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And um, if you’re thinking I don’t end up with weak men,

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I end up with men who are controlling and dominant.

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Ladies, you need to listen

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because men act that way because they’re weak.

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So everybody actually really needs to listen to this today.

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Um, and so before we jump into the content

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and what I wanna teach you today, uh,

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I just wanna introduce myself

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’cause we have a lot of, a lot of new women here.

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Um, so for those of you who don’t yet know me

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and you just stumbled your way into our group,

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I’m Hilary Silver and I am a 20 year therapist turned coach.

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I’m CEO of a multimillion dollar company

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that is completely dedicated

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and devoted to women’s empowerment,

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women’s profound wellbeing,

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and I really help women get whatever they want.

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And for those of you who are here, you’re looking for love.

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I also have a program for women entrepreneurs helping them

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grow their businesses, um, using all kinds of psychology

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and mindset and stuff like that.

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So today what we’re gonna be doing is talking about why

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some women end up with weak men, women who you wouldn’t

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think would end up with weak men.

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Like they look on the outside,

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like they’ve got their s**t together,

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they’re powerful at work, they are confident in other areas

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of their life, and they always end up with these men who

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need them, who are, I call it dating down or beneath you.

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Um, and so they need your help,

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they need your financial support, your emotional support.

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They need to sleep on your couch for a while

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because they’re in between things like that kind of thing.

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But also they’re emotionally weak,

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they’re not fully secure in themselves,

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and they end up kind of showing up

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almost like passive in the relationship.

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Um, and so

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what woman in their right mind would pick a man like that?

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Nobody who wants to be like with somebody like that, right?

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It’s not sexy, it’s not attractive.

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Um, yet it happens all the time. So, hi Kim.

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What I wanna say is that this is not a conscious choice.

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So right off the bat, you’re, you’re kind

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of feeling like, no, that’s not me.

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I don’t do that. I don’t do it on purpose.

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I’m not picking them. It just kind of happens that way.

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That’s really what I’m talking about though,

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because it’s not a conscious decision.

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A lot of what we do is not conscious.

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We actually are only like, we’re not even aware of 95%

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of the thoughts that we have on a daily basis.

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If you’re only aware of 5% of what you’re thinking about,

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95% of the things that you are, are, are thinking,

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um, are unaware to you.

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And it’s guiding all of your behavior, all

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of your decisions, all of your choices.

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Um, so a lot of the work that I actually do

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with my clients is helping them tap into their subconscious

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so they’re more aware of what they’re thinking,

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they’re more in control of what they’re thinking, um, so

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that it’s more overt

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and in their consciousness so

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that they can clearly make decisions

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that are in their best interest instead

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of just living from the neck up

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and not knowing what’s going on deep

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in their, in their core.

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Um, but this is gonna be fun because I made a list.

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I have my list here so I don’t forget any of them

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’cause I wanna go through the long list of, of kind of the

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benefits of ending up with a man who’s kind

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of weaker than you.

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Hi Lauren. Um,

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and this isn’t like something that you consciously want,

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but that you actually kind of want.

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So, um, I’m just gonna go through them,

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but I’m gonna put my glasses on so that I can read.

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Oh my gosh, they’re so dirty.

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I don’t know if I can read with my glasses on.

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Um, okay, so I’m just gonna go through the list.

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Here are some hidden benefits.

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Hold on, I gotta get my glasses. Um, there we go. Sorry.

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Some hidden benefits of ending up with men who are weak.

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Okay? You’ll never feel inadequate

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since comparatively speaking.

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You’ll always be two steps ahead of him. Okay?

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So this is important because, and it goes with the next one.

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It’s very similar but stated a different way.

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So I’m gonna say both of them

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together and then kind of break it down.

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You will never be discovered

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as not good enough or not enough.

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When you are with somebody who’s less than you.

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When you are, when you know that you’re better than him

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or more than him, you’ll never be discovered

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that you’re not enough, which is at,

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at your subconscious core.

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Your biggest fear is that you’re not enough.

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And so, doesn’t that make sense ladies?

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You’ll never feel inadequate and you’ll never be discovered

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or feel not good enough when you’re with somebody

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who you deem in your mind as not as as good as you.

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Okay? If he’s not as smart as you,

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you’ll never be discovered that you’re dumb.

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If he’s not as, um, successful as you, you always get

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to remain in that secure spot of being more,

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being more successful, being happier, being more outgoing,

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being more in control, being more, more, more.

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Okay? When you’re with less than you’re by default,

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more than, and that is something that’s keeping you safe.

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Okay? Number three, he’ll never leave you

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because he needs you.

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Okay? If he needs you emotionally, hi Kathy.

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If he needs you and your stability, if he needs you

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and the structure that you provide him in

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your life because you’re a

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Woman with your s**t together.

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If he needs you financially because he’s in between jobs

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or he gave all his ex-wife all his money

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and he’s starting from zero

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and you’re the one paying for vacations,

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or you’re the one giving him a home to live in

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or whatever, you’re the one paying for the dates, then,

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then, then this subconscious benefit that you get

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by being with somebody who needs you is

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that he won’t leave you.

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Okay? Um, I’m gonna stop and check in.

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How is this sounding, ladies?

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Am I getting close to hitting a nerve?

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I wanna hear from you. Let’s make this a dialogue.

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Let’s make this a conversation and I’m gonna just look

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and check something while I’m waiting to hear from you.

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I want some comments, okay?

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I’m gonna move on while I’m waiting for some conversation.

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Um, this kind of goes with that last one.

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It’s safe to be with somebody who’s weaker than you

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because you don’t have to fear rejection

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or abandonment for two reasons.

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He’ll need you more than you need him.

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And if he does leave, it won’t be so, so crushing.

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It won’t be so devastating to you if he does leave,

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because you didn’t really respect him or admire him

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or love him or care about him that much.

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You weren’t as invested

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or he just wasn’t like your heartthrob.

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Um, and so if he does,

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you’re protecting yourself against being crushed

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against heartbreak.

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So he won’t leave

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because he needs you more than you need him.

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Or if he does leave, eh, no big deal.

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Didn’t, not that, you know, not that devastating.

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Um, how about this one?

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You don’t have to give in as much

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or fear engulfment since your voice will

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be heard and accommodated most of the time.

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So you’re most likely to get what you want.

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You feel safe and powerful asking for what you need.

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You’re the commander, you’re the general.

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You are heard by this person

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because he’s going to acquiesce to you most of the time,

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and please you.

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Okay? Um, a lot of women, as powerful

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as they might be in other areas of their life,

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when they get together with a man,

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they have trouble speaking them for speaking their truth,

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speaking up for themselves, expressing themselves, asking

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for what they need because they’re afraid

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of rocking the boat, giving them him a reason to leave, um,

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that you’ll be too different

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and he won’t wanna be with you anymore, um, or whatever.

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And so you just don’t speak up

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and you end up being engulfed.

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You get lost in the relationship, you lose yourself,

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you lose your independence, your sense of certainty,

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and you get controlled.

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So by picking somebody who’s weaker than you

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or pleasing in nature, you are avoiding this

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and it’s all subconscious. Remember,

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You’re not actively saying,

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I have trouble expressing myself

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and asking for what I need, so

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therefore I’m gonna pick a loser

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who I could just push around.

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That’s not what you’re doing,

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but it’s what you’re doing without realizing it.

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Um, number six, you don’t have

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to step into a deep sense of vulnerability

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since he won’t expect it of you,

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or he won’t even know how to powerfully deal

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with vulnerability.

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So when you, this is

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that emotional unavailable ness when you pick somebody

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who is not at your level, intellectually, spiritually,

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socially or whatever, um, you’re, you’re setting yourself up

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for a relationship with that’s lacking that deep connection.

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And so by doing that,

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you’re keeping yourself safe from having to experience that.

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Maybe you, you want it, but you don’t know how to do it

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or you want it that deep, intimate connection with somebody,

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but it scares the s**t outta you.

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So by picking somebody who can’t do that with you, you get

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to avoid the whole thing and it kind

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of looks like he’s the problem.

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But you’re both the problem just telling you.

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Um, I think we already talked about

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this one, but I’m gonna say it again.

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You can boss him around a little bit

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or a lot again, which seems like something

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that you might want, but it’s actually not

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what you want at all because you don’t respect him

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or admire him, and that is a turnoff.

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Okay? So I remember on one of my first dates

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with my husband, he came over for dinner,

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it was like a month in or something like that,

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and he was saying, you’re just so perfect, oh my God,

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and la la la and I was like, don’t do that to me.

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I am not perfect. I am totally imperfect

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and one of the things that I will do is try

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to tell you what to do.

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I’m like, don’t let me get my own way. Okay?

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I’m gonna always try to get my own way. Don’t let me.

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I told him that right off the bat.

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20 years later, almost 21 years later,

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we still laugh about it and joke about it

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because I still try to do it and he doesn’t let me.

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And that’s why it works. That’s why it works. Okay?

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Um, number eight, this is, again,

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a little bit similar, but say, stated in a different way.

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Some, uh, you don’t have to fear losing your independence

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because you’ll be in charge

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and will always have some sense of being in control.

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Okay? So women pick weaker men

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because it makes you feel like you’re in control of things.

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That, that you’re, when you pick a man who needs you,

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you are in control, perceived control, okay?

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Um, again,

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because not only do you get to say what you wanna say

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and do what you wanna do and get your needs met

242
00:11:46.985 –> 00:11:49.765
and you feel comfortable that he’s not gonna reject you

243
00:11:49.765 –> 00:11:51.725
or leave you, that’s all sense of control.

244
00:11:52.385 –> 00:11:53.605
Um, okay?

245
00:11:54.185 –> 00:11:57.405
And when you’re in control, you think that you are, um,

246
00:11:58.575 –> 00:12:00.845
preventing that rejection

247
00:12:02.115 –> 00:12:04.015
and abandonment that you’re trying to avoid.

248
00:12:05.385 –> 00:12:08.035
Okay? Um, this is a good one.

249
00:12:08.345 –> 00:12:10.995
When you are with a weak man or a pleasing man

250
00:12:11.935 –> 00:12:15.515
or accommodating man, you don’t have to learn how

251
00:12:15.515 –> 00:12:19.635
to set boundaries with strength and love and femininity

252
00:12:19.855 –> 00:12:21.275
and firmness, okay?

253
00:12:22.025 –> 00:12:23.595
Because boundaries are nothing.

254
00:12:23.865 –> 00:12:25.115
When you’re with somebody like that,

255
00:12:25.115 –> 00:12:26.515
there’s no such thing as boundaries.

256
00:12:27.055 –> 00:12:30.425
Um, you end up in emerged state,

257
00:12:30.585 –> 00:12:32.905
this becomes a very codependent relationship.

258
00:12:33.005 –> 00:12:34.945
You know, I don’t like to use psychobabble.

259
00:12:35.225 –> 00:12:38.545
I am a highly trained, skilled therapist in all kinds

260
00:12:38.545 –> 00:12:40.705
of modalities, but I really try to stay

261
00:12:41.375 –> 00:12:45.105
away from pathological language and all of that.

262
00:12:45.765 –> 00:12:48.545
But for those of you who like that stuff, it is

263
00:12:49.285 –> 00:12:52.065
so codependent when you pick somebody who needs you,

264
00:12:52.255 –> 00:12:55.905
because codependency is about losing independence

265
00:12:56.285 –> 00:12:57.545
and becoming merged.

266
00:12:58.005 –> 00:13:01.505
You are now like a symbiotic relationship.

267
00:13:01.775 –> 00:13:03.745
He’s getting something out of you being the way you are,

268
00:13:03.745 –> 00:13:05.985
and you’re getting something out of him being the way he is.

269
00:13:06.725 –> 00:13:10.865
And, and you need both parts for it to work, right?

270
00:13:10.865 –> 00:13:13.865
Like that symbiotic relationship that exists in nature

271
00:13:13.895 –> 00:13:16.785
between a host and a parasite, I hate to put it this way,

272
00:13:16.845 –> 00:13:20.145
but it’s true, is the host needs this, this parasite

273
00:13:20.845 –> 00:13:23.505
for its function, and the parasite needs

274
00:13:23.505 –> 00:13:24.625
the host for something.

275
00:13:25.125 –> 00:13:26.785
And so that’s kind of what it is.

276
00:13:26.975 –> 00:13:28.945
Like if we’re gonna get sciencey about it,

277
00:13:29.325 –> 00:13:30.425
that’s really what it is.

278
00:13:31.285 –> 00:13:33.825
Um, and so there’s no such thing

279
00:13:33.825 –> 00:13:36.265
as boundaries when you’re in a totally enmeshed

280
00:13:36.325 –> 00:13:37.425
and merged state

281
00:13:37.675 –> 00:13:40.705
where you’re both getting these deep needs met,

282
00:13:40.705 –> 00:13:43.665
these unhealthy needs met, okay?

283
00:13:43.845 –> 00:13:46.945
It is just a totally toxic relationship,

284
00:13:47.205 –> 00:13:49.185
and it looks like he’s the problem.

285
00:13:50.255 –> 00:13:53.705
Okay? Now, those are all the perceived benefits.

286
00:13:53.805 –> 00:13:56.545
Now we get to talk about how and why it’s pretty f****d up

287
00:13:56.685 –> 00:13:57.705
and why it doesn’t work,

288
00:13:57.765 –> 00:13:59.865
and why I don’t want you to do this anymore, okay?

289
00:14:00.805 –> 00:14:04.745
Number one, you won’t ever feel fulfilled.

290
00:14:05.755 –> 00:14:09.895
You won’t feel seen, you won’t feel appreciated the way

291
00:14:09.895 –> 00:14:13.455
that you crave because he’s not ever going to be able

292
00:14:13.455 –> 00:14:17.375
to get you, you’re operating in a whole different sphere,

293
00:14:17.435 –> 00:14:18.855
and he can’t live in that space.

294
00:14:18.915 –> 00:14:19.935
He either doesn’t get it

295
00:14:19.935 –> 00:14:23.335
because you’re white collar, he’s blue collar, you are

296
00:14:23.895 –> 00:14:26.455
a CEO, he is a carpenter.

297
00:14:27.075 –> 00:14:29.575
Um, and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that.

298
00:14:29.715 –> 00:14:31.695
You just live in two very different worlds,

299
00:14:31.795 –> 00:14:35.615
or you are deeply spiritual and into yoga and meditation,

300
00:14:35.755 –> 00:14:37.135
and he is not.

301
00:14:38.395 –> 00:14:42.055
Or you know, you’ve got all the money in the bank

302
00:14:42.155 –> 00:14:43.375
and you’ve got your s**t together,

303
00:14:43.435 –> 00:14:44.935
and you’re a high functioning woman,

304
00:14:45.475 –> 00:14:46.855
and he’s just not at that level.

305
00:14:47.115 –> 00:14:49.455
And so he can’t appreciate you if it’s not

306
00:14:49.455 –> 00:14:50.735
something, if it’s foreign to him,

307
00:14:51.385 –> 00:14:52.925
And you’re not having this vulnerability

308
00:14:52.985 –> 00:14:54.445
and intimacy and connection.

309
00:14:55.345 –> 00:14:58.405
And so he’s never gonna get to know you

310
00:14:59.185 –> 00:15:01.935
and you, you know,

311
00:15:02.035 –> 00:15:04.815
so you won’t really feel fulfilled by this.

312
00:15:04.915 –> 00:15:06.695
It will be feeling like you’re passing time.

313
00:15:07.955 –> 00:15:09.305
It’ll be feeling like you’re settling

314
00:15:10.045 –> 00:15:12.105
and just doing time together.

315
00:15:12.325 –> 00:15:16.025
It won’t feel purposeful. It won’t feel meaningful.

316
00:15:16.565 –> 00:15:19.985
Um, number two, you absolutely will not feel a sense

317
00:15:19.985 –> 00:15:22.665
of admiration or respect for him,

318
00:15:23.205 –> 00:15:25.785
and you won’t feel self-respect for yourself.

319
00:15:26.485 –> 00:15:29.225
And because you’re picking somebody who’s

320
00:15:29.885 –> 00:15:33.265
in your eyes less than, you’re gonna feel bad about yourself

321
00:15:33.265 –> 00:15:34.545
for doing that, really.

322
00:15:35.245 –> 00:15:37.265
And you will never respect him.

323
00:15:37.685 –> 00:15:40.545
So you’re always gonna be frustrated that he can’t be more,

324
00:15:40.965 –> 00:15:43.065
and he’s always gonna feel like he’s letting you down

325
00:15:43.065 –> 00:15:44.225
and he’s not good enough for you.

326
00:15:44.805 –> 00:15:47.625
And that is the worst dynamic to be stuck in, right?

327
00:15:47.655 –> 00:15:49.145
Like, why can’t you just be more like this?

328
00:15:49.165 –> 00:15:50.545
Or why can’t you just be more like this?

329
00:15:50.565 –> 00:15:52.665
Or your disappointment oozes out of you

330
00:15:53.245 –> 00:15:54.305
and, and comes across?

331
00:15:54.365 –> 00:15:56.745
Or if you are paying for things or doing more things

332
00:15:56.845 –> 00:15:59.305
or helping him, maybe you get resentful

333
00:15:59.305 –> 00:16:01.585
that you’re stuck in this caregiving nurturing role

334
00:16:02.045 –> 00:16:03.305
and that oozes outta you.

335
00:16:03.305 –> 00:16:04.585
So you’re not your best self

336
00:16:04.585 –> 00:16:06.505
because you’re not treating him very well,

337
00:16:06.505 –> 00:16:07.745
you’re not treating him the way

338
00:16:07.745 –> 00:16:08.785
that he deserves to be treated.

339
00:16:09.645 –> 00:16:11.905
And that’s because you really just don’t respect him very

340
00:16:11.905 –> 00:16:14.225
much, and that doesn’t feel good for either of you.

341
00:16:15.525 –> 00:16:18.865
Um, you won’t be able to relax and let go

342
00:16:18.935 –> 00:16:20.385
because you’re carrying the weight

343
00:16:20.385 –> 00:16:21.505
of the world on your shoulders.

344
00:16:21.505 –> 00:16:22.745
Like you all just say,

345
00:16:22.905 –> 00:16:25.465
I want an equal partner, somebody who’s gonna help me.

346
00:16:25.775 –> 00:16:28.865
It’s get my own, get my back, do things for me

347
00:16:28.925 –> 00:16:30.985
so I don’t have to do everything all the time.

348
00:16:31.455 –> 00:16:34.225
Well, you keep picking men who can’t meet you at that level

349
00:16:36.095 –> 00:16:38.305
because you wanna stay in a sense of control.

350
00:16:38.805 –> 00:16:40.145
You have to choose one or the other.

351
00:16:40.285 –> 00:16:42.665
Do you want to let go of control

352
00:16:43.245 –> 00:16:45.105
and make room for a man in your life

353
00:16:45.285 –> 00:16:48.585
who has his own opinions and needs and desires and wants?

354
00:16:49.085 –> 00:16:50.985
Who can give you what you need and want?

355
00:16:51.125 –> 00:16:53.945
Who can support you, who can call you out,

356
00:16:54.525 –> 00:16:56.225
that’s a higher level relationship?

357
00:16:56.365 –> 00:16:58.745
Do you want that? Because if you do, you’re gonna have

358
00:16:58.745 –> 00:17:00.145
to let go of these things.

359
00:17:00.335 –> 00:17:02.345
This need this sense of control.

360
00:17:03.165 –> 00:17:06.785
Um, so you will feel the weight

361
00:17:06.785 –> 00:17:08.425
of the world on your shoulders,

362
00:17:08.565 –> 00:17:09.905
and you’ll always feel the weight

363
00:17:09.905 –> 00:17:11.585
of someone on your coattails.

364
00:17:12.245 –> 00:17:14.425
Um, like no one is ever there to get your back.

365
00:17:14.425 –> 00:17:16.305
Like I said, it’s exhausting to do it all.

366
00:17:16.965 –> 00:17:20.465
And women just want somebody to help out get their back,

367
00:17:20.605 –> 00:17:22.785
you know, take care of them for a change.

368
00:17:23.485 –> 00:17:28.305
And you picking men who are like this, you’ll never be able

369
00:17:28.305 –> 00:17:29.385
to know what that feels like.

370
00:17:30.825 –> 00:17:32.125
Um, and that’s foreign to you.

371
00:17:32.185 –> 00:17:34.525
So maybe you don’t even know how to do that.

372
00:17:34.525 –> 00:17:36.445
That’s too vulnerable and scary.

373
00:17:37.425 –> 00:17:40.205
It feels needy or weak to receive.

374
00:17:40.305 –> 00:17:41.965
And so you pick somebody you can’t give

375
00:17:42.305 –> 00:17:43.445
or you won’t let him give.

376
00:17:44.225 –> 00:17:46.285
Um, I already mentioned this,

377
00:17:46.285 –> 00:17:48.725
but you’ll always feel just a little bit resentful

378
00:17:48.745 –> 00:17:51.325
Or taken advantage of or unappreciated

379
00:17:51.635 –> 00:17:53.605
because you’re carrying this heavy load.

380
00:17:53.605 –> 00:17:55.805
You’re paying for everything or you’re doing everything.

381
00:17:55.985 –> 00:17:59.325
And, um, and he’s not in a position to give that way.

382
00:18:00.385 –> 00:18:03.445
Um, you’ll most likely feel like something is missing

383
00:18:03.445 –> 00:18:05.645
because in your core, you know, you’ve settled.

384
00:18:06.675 –> 00:18:09.965
Okay? And that kills desire and passion

385
00:18:09.965 –> 00:18:13.645
because nobody wants to be with a man who

386
00:18:14.225 –> 00:18:15.685
you just don’t respect and admire.

387
00:18:15.685 –> 00:18:17.085
That’s not sexy and hot.

388
00:18:17.585 –> 00:18:22.085
Um, so I, I hope this was helpful, ladies,

389
00:18:22.085 –> 00:18:26.005
because what I’m here to do is help you gain more awareness

390
00:18:26.235 –> 00:18:29.405
that of what the problem is so that you can fix it.

391
00:18:29.705 –> 00:18:33.205
Um, but what I want you to know is that this type

392
00:18:33.205 –> 00:18:35.925
of pattern, if you find yourself stuck in it,

393
00:18:36.025 –> 00:18:37.525
is entirely a you problem.

394
00:18:38.355 –> 00:18:40.605
It’s not him. He, there’s nothing wrong with him.

395
00:18:40.715 –> 00:18:42.285
He’s just fine the way he is.

396
00:18:43.075 –> 00:18:46.245
It’s you and I say that with love, but it’s you.

397
00:18:47.025 –> 00:18:49.885
And until you figure out why you’re doing this,

398
00:18:50.075 –> 00:18:51.205
what is it at your core

399
00:18:51.205 –> 00:18:52.965
that’s causing you to operate this way?

400
00:18:53.425 –> 00:18:54.885
You’ll always be disappointed.

401
00:18:55.305 –> 00:18:59.285
You’ll always be let down and, and you want more than that,

402
00:18:59.385 –> 00:19:00.885
and you should have more than that.

403
00:19:00.885 –> 00:19:02.365
And you can have more than that.

404
00:19:02.385 –> 00:19:04.485
But you don’t know how to break out of this

405
00:19:04.945 –> 00:19:07.285
and you don’t know how to change those patterns.

406
00:19:07.285 –> 00:19:10.245
This is in your DNA, it goes way back for you.

407
00:19:10.315 –> 00:19:13.045
It’s in your brain. We need to retrain your brain.

408
00:19:13.865 –> 00:19:15.765
And that’s a lot of what we do in the program.

409
00:19:16.665 –> 00:19:19.805
Um, so it can be turned around

410
00:19:19.905 –> 00:19:21.285
and turned around pretty quickly.

411
00:19:21.865 –> 00:19:23.765
You just have to decide that you’re ready for that.

412
00:19:24.425 –> 00:19:28.245
Um, or alternatively, you could say

413
00:19:28.425 –> 00:19:29.645
to yourself, I’m good.

414
00:19:29.755 –> 00:19:32.125
This is comfortable for me. I know how to do this.

415
00:19:32.285 –> 00:19:35.605
I know how to do disappointment. I know how to do let down.

416
00:19:35.725 –> 00:19:37.005
I know how to do resentful.

417
00:19:37.085 –> 00:19:40.005
I know how to do martyrdom and never get my needs met.

418
00:19:40.205 –> 00:19:41.245
And it’s always about them.

419
00:19:42.065 –> 00:19:46.565
I’m totally comfortable sacrificing my emotional safety

420
00:19:46.905 –> 00:19:49.565
and never getting rejected or hurt and risking that.

421
00:19:50.105 –> 00:19:54.445
And I’m gonna just, you know, stay in my little comfort zone

422
00:19:54.665 –> 00:19:56.845
and keep doing what I’m doing because I know how to do this.

423
00:19:56.865 –> 00:19:58.325
And if you know what, that is fine.

424
00:19:58.505 –> 00:20:00.005
You get to do what you wanna do.

425
00:20:00.345 –> 00:20:02.085
But for those of you who want something different

426
00:20:02.085 –> 00:20:03.925
and you don’t know how to break outta that, that’s

427
00:20:03.925 –> 00:20:04.405
what I’m here for.

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