Why Your Nurturing and Giving Ways Destroy Your Chances At Love

Transcript

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Hey everybody.

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How’s it going? Hilary Silver here.

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Today we’re gonna talk about how your nurturing, loving,

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supportive, understanding, giving

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nature is actually destroying your chances

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of having a healthy, happy, hot, lasting,

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loving relationship with a true partner who is your equal.

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Um, we’re gonna dive into that in just a second,

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but I quickly wanna share this over to my group.

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Um, and if you are new to me

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and you don’t know who I am,

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let me just quick introduce myself.

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Hi, Lisa. I’m Hilary Silver.

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I’m a relationship and intimacy expert.

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I am a renowned mentor

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and coach for women who are successful in every area

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of their life except in their love lives.

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And so they’ve got everything that they could want or need.

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They got a great career. They’re financially independent,

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their kids are doing well.

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They got the house and the car, everything

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that they could ever want.

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It’s pretty go, pretty much going really well for them.

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And yet when it comes to love, they really struggle to have,

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uh, um, have a successful loving relationship.

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And so what I do is I teach them how to be more effective,

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how to have more self-awareness, how to have a better,

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healthy way of thinking about love and men

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and relationships and intimacy.

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And, and then they end up, they do end up in the arms

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of amazing men having healthy, happy, lasting relationships.

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I have plenty of success stories, um,

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that I could share with you.

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Um, but today what I wanna talk about is something

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that I’ve been meaning to talk about in a long,

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for a long, long time.

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Um, let me just quickly share this over to the group.

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If you know anybody who’s,

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who it sounds like I just described,

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please share it out on your personal profile so

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that we can share this message, um, and get it out.

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So, um, one more share real quick, and then we’ll get going.

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Thanks for your patience.

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So I hope you guys had a good holiday.

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Everybody’s here, um, at home with me, so I kind

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of feel like I’m not really working today, but I am.

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Anyway. So what we’re gonna talk about

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today is something that I hear.

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I, my team and I talked about 50 women every week

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who have this problem

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and they don’t know why they have this problem.

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And it, and love continues to elude them.

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And a lot of the things

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that we hear are very similar from woman to woman to woman.

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And one of those themes is, I am a great catch

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because not only am I financially independent

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and have a great career, and my kids are good,

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and I take care of myself and I’m physically fit

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and I’m pretty, and all these things,

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I’m actually also loving and giving and nurturing

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and caring, and I’m a supportive partner.

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And so raise your hand if that sounds like you,

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and raise your hand if you think that’s a good thing.

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Of course, you’re not gonna do that today

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’cause you know, I’m gonna tell you it’s wrong, okay?

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Nobody’s gonna admit to it.

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So let me tell you why this is a problem.

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And so what happens is when you are identifying

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with a woman who is a supportive, loving, caring,

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nurturing woman, and you end up in relationships

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with men, what do you end up doing with them?

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You end up nurturing them, carrying on them, giving to them,

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supporting them, helping them.

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And who are the men that need that?

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The men who are broken, who are struggling,

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who are not able to function at the level

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that you wanna function at.

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So these women end up with alcoholics,

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with narcissistic men, with men

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who are needing, fixing, helping.

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They’re in between jobs or they’re not quite divorced yet,

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or they’re financially downtrodden,

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like they end up these high performing successful women end

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up with men who need them because, and, and,

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and it seems like such a frustrating trap to get stuck in.

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And it may seem like his fault. It’s all men.

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They just use me, they take advantage of me.

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And then these women don’t feel supported.

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They don’t feel important, they don’t feel cared for,

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they feel used, they feel taken advantage of.

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They don’t feel like they’ve ever really been loved for

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who they are because they are the ones leading

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with this trait.

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They, what I want you guys

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to understand is if this is you in any way, shape

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or form, you’ll continue to end up with men

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who need your support, who need your emotional help.

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They need your financial help.

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You’ll end up paying for him to go back to college

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or so giving him money to pay his rent in between

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jobs while he is waiting on a bonus

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or helping him launch his business.

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If you keep ending up with men who are in this situation,

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the good news is

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that this is something you’re doing and you can change it.

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And, and here’s why.

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You, this is an entirely 100000% about your

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need to be needed.

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And as long as you have a need to be needed,

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you will pick men who need you.

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And it’s not that like they’re attracted to you, it’s

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that you are attracted to them.

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You can’t resist a guy who needs your help.

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And here’s this is, there’s so many layers to this,

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I’m just gonna spit it out.

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Your need to be needed goes way back to your childhood.

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Um, some kind of thing happened way back when,

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and we’re not gonna get into it

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because it’s not important to be honest,

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but it is a part of your identity.

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It is a part of, of your role.

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And you feel in some way without realizing it deep down in

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your subconscious that you have to be this way

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to have value, that you have to give and nurture and support

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and help and serve in order to have value

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and to be loved instead of understanding

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that you are inherently lovable

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and innately love, like loved.

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Okay? So you are trading what you can do for people to feel

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that you are worthy of being loved,

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you’re making yourself a commodity.

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And until you stop doing that, you will continue

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to end up repeating these patterns with men

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who are alcoholics and who need you and who are broken

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and want your support and your money and your whatever.

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And, and so not only is it about your need to be needed,

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it’s about your need to be in control.

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Because when you are with somebody who’s down

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and out, who has the power you do,

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and that is something that you need, you need

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to feel in control.

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And until you’re ready to let go of that and to surrender

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and be vulnerable and to not feel in control of everything,

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you’re gonna keep picking men who you, you feel

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that you are in control of because you are taken care of.

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And here’s the other thing,

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not only do you end up feeling like unimportant and used

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and not cared for and taken advantage of,

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you turned yourself into his mother

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or his fairy godmother, not his lover.

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And that is not sexy at all, is it?

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No, it’s not. And then your resentment is not sexy either.

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So there, that’s why like it’s not,

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you don’t deserve a blue ribbon or a gold star

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or a badge of honor to be a nurturer ladies,

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and most women are feminine traits.

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Our feminine energy is to be that way.

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But when you do this out of a place of need for validation

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or out of need to be accepted

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or a need to be loved, it’s not coming from a healthy place.

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And so you are the unhealthy one here. Hi ladies.

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I see you all. I see you, I see you, I see you.

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I love you all. Good morning. I’m so happy that you’re here.

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Um, I hope this is making sense.

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No one in your life is going to tell you this, so I will,

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because I care and I want you to have love

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and I want you to knock this s**t off,

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and I want you to stop it so that you can get past it.

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The problem is this stuff, this behavior pattern, this way

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of thinking, this frame of thinking, your psychology

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and your mindset and these limiting beliefs about yourself

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go way back.

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And you can’t just change them

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because I’m telling you this, there’s a long process

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and a way of reframing and rewiring

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and reprogramming all of that

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that you just can’t do on your own.

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And so I’m here to help you.

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I’m helping all these lovely ladies who are here today, um,

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with all of that changing so

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that when you see this man who’s like mysteriously, um,

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kind of broken in some way,

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you don’t see him as a challenge.

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You see him for who he is, and you run for the hills.

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Like there’s a way to do that instead

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of being magnetized to these

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Men who are not functioning at your level, who you need

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to support and help because it scratches your own itch.

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It gi it like it, it meets your own need to be needed.

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We need to help you fix this within you

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and then change your behavior patterns

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and who you’re choosing to be in relationship with so

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that you don’t continue to end up in these patterns with men

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who can’t give you what you need

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and want so that you don’t feel really loved

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and valued for who you are.

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You’ve, you only feel valued for the commodity

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that you’ve made yourself by what you can do for him,

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the emotional support, taking care of his kids.

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Like you guys, I hear crazy stories every day.

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You know, clients of mine have literally dated somebody

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for a month and then he’s moving,

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and while he’s mo while he, while he’s outta town

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for a weekend, she does all the moving.

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She’s, she’s, she moves him or she takes care of his kids

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and raises his kids because he’s a single

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dad and he’s working.

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Well. Single moms do that s**t all the time.

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So your need to be needed will continue

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to be the biggest obstacle

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for you getting the love that you want.

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And, um, if you’re, if you identify with this,

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you’re not alone, like almost all women do in some way, um,

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but don’t make yourself his mother or his fairy godmother.

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Don’t become his, um, his checkbook, his sugar mama,

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don’t take care of his kids.

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You know, you need to fix this within you.

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And then if you don’t believe that you have value

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or that you’re inherently innately lovable just

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because you exist and,

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and that you’re worthy, then you have a lot of work to do

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because you’ll just continue to feed that need

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and seek this out on your own and,

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and that you’ll feel like a victim or a martyr

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because all these men just want you for that.

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But it’s your doing. That’s the thing. It’s your doing.

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And, and that’s the coolest part

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because then you can undo it if you’re willing

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to look in the mirror and do the work.

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So all my ladies are here today who are part of my program,

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um, and they’ll tell you like it’s a good,

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hard long look in the mirror,

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but it’s the most empowering thing that you can do.

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And when you can see where you’ve gone wrong,

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you can change it and you can learn a new better way.

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Both like a new way of thinking and feeling

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and existing inside of yourself,

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and then a new way of behaving and choosing

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and acting outside in your interactive life.

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Not even just with men, but everyone, with colleagues,

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with employees, with friends, with your children,

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with your parents, with your siblings.

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It all change. Well,

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will he still want me if he doesn’t need me?

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Exactly. He will want you,

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but he may not need you, and that’s what you want, right?

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Hi Taylor, I texted you. I hope you got my text.

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Um, make sure that we get you in the,

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in the VIP group, okay?

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Um, so yeah, I hope this message is helpful for you guys

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because as long as you make yourself this commodity

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and you’re trading what you can do for a man, for his love

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and adoration, you’re never gonna get it.

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It’s gonna be empty. So you need to figure out how to fill

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that up for yourself on the inside, work on your own sense

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of self-worth, work on your sense of feeling, the need

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to control things, um, good.

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And, um, and we’ll change this for you inside and out. Okay?

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Um, you don’t need to feel that way.

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You don’t need to do that to yourself.

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And, and if you really want a high quality man who’s your

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true partner, who could meet you at your level financially

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so that you can have a lifestyle that you want

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and you can do the things that you want

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and emotionally so you can have this connection

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and physically so that you can do the things

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that you wanna do together, if you wanna meet your match,

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then you gotta stop being his mom and stop being his nurse

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and stop being his enabler

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and actually like, do that work on yourself so

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that you don’t feel like that’s the only thing you have

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to offer because it’s not.

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Um, so any questions, I’m gonna hop off, um,

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and go hang out with my family today.

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I don’t know how many of you guys are working,

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but my kids are off until January 7th,

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so I’m working intermittently.

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Um, but I still wanted to show up on, on,

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on Facebook and give you guys this.

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Yes, it’s Janice 2019 is going to be amazing,

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yes, filled with success and happiness and love

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because you, my dear, have committed

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to giving that to yourself.

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I look forward to being part

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of your journey for the next year.

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So, um, all right, you guys, here’s the deal.

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If this resonated and you want to take the next step,

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and you know that you can’t get past this on your own

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because you’ve done the counseling,

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you’ve done the coaching, you’ve done the programs,

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you’ve done the YouTube, you’ve done all that stuff,

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and you’re really ready to take the next step

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and you’re committed to figuring this out so

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that you can stop spinning your wheels

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and stop feeling stuck, then let’s do a breakthrough call.

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I call it a breakthrough to love session,

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and we’ll get really clear about where it is

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that you are now, what it is that you want,

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and all the obstacles that are in your way.

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And we’ll come up with a plan for how to get you there fast.

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It happens fast for the clients who are the most committed

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to making this, um, a priority.

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It happens fast, it really does.

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Um, and so I’m gonna put the link here,

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but if you want me to reach out to you, uh, personally

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with an invite, put me in the comments

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and I will, um, personally send you a private message

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and we’ll get you on our calendar.

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Okay? Thanks, Ruth. Thank you, Cher.

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Thank you everybody. So good to see you.

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Um, and I’ll be back soon.

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I don’t think I have anything else to say.

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I think I kind of unloaded on you.

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I’ve been wanting to do this topic for a long time.

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Um, every woman does this to some degree,

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so don’t beat yourself up.

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It just means you got some work to do

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and it’s my zone of genius helping you change these things.

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So I can’t wait to hear from you. Talk to you soon. Bye.

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