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Have you ever been in a relationship
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with a man who’s half in
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and half out in enough to keep you there
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but not in enough to actually be committed to you?
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It’s amazing when you’re together,
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but then he’s flaky about seeing you again,
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or he says all the right things,
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but his actions don’t line up.
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So one minute you’re high on the connection
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and the next you’re left empty handed, confused,
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wanting more and wondering how can it feel so good to you,
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but apparently not good enough for him to be all in?
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I know it sucks. So today I’m going to help you get out
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of this situation
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or ensure that you never find yourself in it ever again.
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Yes, really.
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When you’re together, it feels so good
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and the potential is so high.
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But then there’s this, the distance
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that you feel when you’re apart, the excuses that he makes,
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the lack of consistency.
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It makes total sense why you obsess about it.
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Why won’t he commit what’s going on in his head?
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What is he thinking? Does he have issues?
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Is it another woman? What’s wrong with me
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that he doesn’t want more?
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What’s wrong with him? And I get it.
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His words and actions are sending you mixed signals.
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So of course you’re spinning.
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Of course you’re hanging on hoping that maybe this week,
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this date, maybe this time he’ll realize how amazing I am
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or how amazing we are to together and just be in.
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It’s like a drug. You are hooked, addicted to the highs
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and lows, and it creates intrusive thoughts
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distracting you from daily life.
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Intrusive meaning intruding into your daily life
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and keeping you from being present at work
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or with your family or with your friends.
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So where everyone else gets this wrong is trying
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to figure him out to read his mind,
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understand his intentions, decode his actions
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and diagnosing him with avoidant attachment
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and all the things he has mommy issues where he feels
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so much, but then he gets afraid, blah, blah, blah.
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So listen, none of that matters. So just stop.
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Stop trying to figure him out.
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Whether you realize this
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or not, this isn’t actually about him at all,
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which we will be talking about in just a minute.
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Making excuses for his behavior, being an armchair therapist
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and projecting your interpretation of his behavior
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as his deep, subconscious,
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psychological traumas is misplaced.
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Empathy, all of that is a way to soften the feeling
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of rejection that his behavior is triggering in you.
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The truth is you will never really know,
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even if he tells you,
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he’ll say It’s not you and that it’s me.
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He’ll tell you that You’re so great,
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but I’m not ready for a relationship.
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You’ll waste time, energy, and your emotional bandwidth
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and you’ll burn yourself out.
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You’ll burn out your nervous system
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and your adrenals with all the rollercoaster of ups
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and downs and trying to figure out this mystery
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of why he won’t commit to you.
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So just stop. And if you ever find yourself in this
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situation, catch yourself doing it.
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This is giving away all of your power.
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It leaves you hanging like your hand is in the air trying
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to do a high five with someone who already walked away.
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It’s standing on the tennis court
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and you just keep hitting the ball back to him, waiting
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for him to send it back to you, but he never does.
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He just holds it and holds it
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or sitting in his waiting room while he decides if you’re
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good enough or if you are the one for him.
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And f**k that ladies. That is just a big fat, no.
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So here’s what I want you to know.
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First of all, it is none of your business
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what he is thinking and what is going on with him
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and who cares anyway.
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All you really need to know is this one thing.
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This isn’t it. You don’t like this.
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It doesn’t feel good to you.
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It’s not what you want or how you want to feel
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or how you want to be treated by someone
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that you’re in a relationship with.
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This is not what you want, right?
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You like how you feel when you’re together, but guess what?
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You don’t like how you feel when you’re not together?
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This is all information for you about what it’s like
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to be in a relationship with this man.
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And so this is not it.
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You can’t gauge a relationship only based on
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how you feel when you’re together.
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It’s how you feel when you are not together too.
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It’s how you feel overall in this relationship with him.
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And this puts the power back into your own hands.
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It shifts the dynamic entirely. Can you feel that?
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It’s a leaning back. This is who you are.
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Remember that you decide not him,
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how this relationship will go.
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If you want commitment, then it’s all or nothing.
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And if he’s not in, then he’s out, says you.
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You might really, really like him a lot.
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Maybe you even think that you love him. So I get that.
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It would be really hard to walk away from that.
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But if you love you more,
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then it’s actually not that hard to do.
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Second, all this, sitting around and waiting and hoping
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and praying and dreaming and hanging on.
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This is an energy and it is part of the problem here.
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Yes, this is Pick me please energy, I’ll wait
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for you hanging on behavior.
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It’s a vibe and it’s just backfiring.
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Listen, he’s in with you because you are so great.
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You’re fun and sexy and charming and loving and giving,
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and you’re a great listener.
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You’re all the things, but then you betray yourself
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and allow this kind of s**t.
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It tips your hand and reveals your deep lack of self-worth.
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It shows him what you will tolerate and put up with that.
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You want something so badly that you’re willing to abandon
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and betray yourself to get it Uhuh.
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No. And over time, you accommodate and bend to his wishes
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and his ambivalence and you settle for his crumbs
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and you put his needs before your own.
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This is not powerful.
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It’s weak and it’s not the best version of you.
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And that is partly why he’s having trouble
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being all in with you.
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It’s not consistent with all the other parts of you
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that he stays for.
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Can you see that? So you are contributing
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to the wishy-washy hot
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and cold when you are allowing all of this.
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And then there’s this, if you act like you’re fine
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with the casual because you don’t wanna lose him,
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you continue to throw yourself under the bus.
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You want more, but you play it cool.
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You let the no label, no pressure thing drag on
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because you think it’ll make him want you more.
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But your nonchalant vibe tells him it’s fine
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to keep it light and undefined.
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Maybe you accept friends with benefits
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because that’s what he wants
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and what he’s capable of at the moment.
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But you really want commitment.
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I’ve heard many women tell me that they’ve tried polyamory
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because that’s how he rolls
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and that’s the way he likes to do things when in fact
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that is not at all who she is.
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And let’s take this one step further.
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Perhaps it was actually this way from the start
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because maybe you invited this non-committal dynamic in the
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first place, like attracts like.
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So you just have to ask yourself, am I the avoidant,
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non-committal one, if you are ambivalent about getting into
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relationship, you have fear about being vulnerable
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and you don’t know how to do real intimacy,
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or you are afraid of losing yourself in a relationship again
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or of getting stuck in something that you can’t get out of.
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It’s you my love who is attracting non-committal men
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because you yourself are non-committal.
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And then together you’re stuck in this game of cat
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and mouse, a dance of avoiding the thing
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that you really want but are so also afraid
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of getting at the very same time.
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So on the outside you’re there,
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but on the inside you’ve got walls up.
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You’re scared of letting him see the real you
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because if he doesn’t like what he sees,
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he might leave and you’ll be crushed.
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So you keep him at arms length,
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you are emotionally half in and half out.
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But when you don’t see this in yourself,
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it looks like he’s the problem over and over
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and over again creating this pattern.
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So let’s put this all together.
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If you find yourself in a painful cycle of non-committal
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situation ships where you get some of what you want,
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but not all of it where he or both of you are, half in
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and half out, the only way
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to really interrupt this pattern is to look at
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how you are contributing.
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How are you showing up? Are you also non-committal?
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Are you afraid of getting into
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something that you can’t get out of?
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Are you afraid of picking the wrong man again
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and making another mistake?
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Are you afraid of getting your heart broken and being hurt
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or disappointed again?
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Are you holding back some of the parts of you
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behind the wall of protection
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and only letting him see the carefully curated parts
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of yourself that you like and accept
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and that you think he will like?
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Are you allowing him to come and go as he pleases
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because something is better than nothing?
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I know this is all very hard to hear,
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but it is the ticket out of limbo land.
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I promise you, you can have what you want in love, someone
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who will adore you and make you a priority,
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who will be all in with you and be your ride
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or die, not going anywhere, even when things are hard,
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partner in all things in your life.
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But this isn’t about him.
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So please stop focusing on him, what he’s doing
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or not doing, and instead accept that it is about you,
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how you are showing up and what you are allowing, period.
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And then that means that you can very quickly make a few key
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and critical shifts in your approach, and it won’t take long
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before you start having a dramatically different
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experience in love.
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Thanks for listening today.
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If you enjoyed our show, please rate and review us.
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It really helps other people find us.
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And if you know someone who needs to hear this,
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please share it with them.
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We have grown so very much in the first year,
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and that is thanks to all of you listeners,
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helping get the word out.
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So let’s make sure that women who need
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to hear these messages are able to find us
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and join the movement of women who are done settling.
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See you next time.
