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If you’re smart, capable, emotionally literate,
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and yet still confused, frustrated,
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or exhausted by dating, it’s
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because you’ve probably absorbed years of terrible advice,
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advice that teaches you to strategize, manage, decode,
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and predict men to soften, shrink,
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and twist yourself into a pretzel all while being careful
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not to scare him off.
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The entire dating ecosystem is built around teaching women
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how to win someone else’s approval rather than how
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to choose themselves.
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And the result is women who are anxious, confused,
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over functioning and completely disconnected
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from their intuition.
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So today I’m pulling apart the most common pieces
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of deeply unhelpful advice that keep women stuck.
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And I’m giving you what actually works.
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Instead,
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Here’s what I see every single day.
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Women crowdsourcing opinions from friends, Googling
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what does it mean when he
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fill in the blank polling group chats, consuming,
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endless dating content, trying to figure out
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what he’s thinking, what he wants,
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and what will make him stay, or what did I do wrong?
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And in the process, their own intuition just becomes
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background noise.
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Most dating advice is completely centered around men,
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what they want, what they fear, what they respond to, IE,
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what they find sexy and to turn on.
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Ew. And almost none of it has anything to do with you.
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When dating advice requires you to abandon your own needs,
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override your intuition, dilute your personality,
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or manipulate your own behavior,
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that is not a dating strategy, it’s self betrayal.
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So today we’re breaking down the five worst pieces
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of dating advice women need to stop following,
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and the five pieces
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of genuinely good advice you should start internalizing
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instead because if you’re serious about preparing yourself
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for real love, not performative dating, not anxious waiting,
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not clinging to men who can’t meet you,
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but actual emotional partnership,
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this is what you need to hear.
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Let’s start with the biggest offenders in the dating
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industrial complex,
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and that is number one, understand men, find love.
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Take a look at any of the top YouTube channels
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and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about here,
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what men find irresistible.
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Three things men need to fall in love,
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what he’s really thinking when he does this, things
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that turn him off.
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This is what I call man-centered dating advice.
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It puts the focus on his psychology, his desire,
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his needs, his behavior.
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It’s all about him. Maybe you never notice this until now,
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but you will start to see it everywhere.
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What he wants, what he’s thinking, what he likes,
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and how to understand men.
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None of this advice encourages you to examine what you want,
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what you think, what you feel,
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what you need, what you desire.
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It doesn’t encourage you to tune into yourself to discover
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what you like or how to understand yourself at all.
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You are no longer self-centered.
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You’re him centered,
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and that is a very disorienting feeling
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that can leave you completely unmoored when attention is on
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him and not on you.
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So you slowly disconnect from yourself and lose your center.
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You’re not grounded in yourself anymore,
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and then you stop trusting your own instincts.
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It’s no wonder women lose themselves in relationships.
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We’ve been conditioned
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to think this way since we were in seventh grade.
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Man-centered dating advice turns into man-centered
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relationships, and then you wake up one day wondering
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who you even are anymore.
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It’s a big problem. So number two, here’s how
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to make him want you.
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Anything begins with how to get him to is not guidance,
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it’s manipulation, marketed as empowerment.
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It tells women that men must be handled and managed
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and maneuvered into desire.
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But if a connection begins with performance,
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it can never really evolve into a meaningful partnership.
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Wanting to be wanted is human,
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but engineering a persona
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to extract someone’s attention is something else entirely.
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And here’s what women forget the moment you start contorting
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yourself to generate his interest, you guarantee
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that you’ll be contorting yourself to maintain it.
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You can’t build a real relationship on pretending
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to be someone you’re not.
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Number three, be chill. Don’t be too much.
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This one trains women to suppress their needs instead
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of communicating them, it encourages you
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to ignore your discomfort, silence your intuition,
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bite your tongue and pretend to be unaffected
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by inconsistency or ambiguity.
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The result is women dating men
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who cannot meet them emotionally, then blame themselves
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for feeling anxious or insecure.
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But here’s the thing, and I know you know this,
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you cannot chill your way to compatibility.
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The cool girl never wins, never wins.
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The unaffected woman comes off as indifferent
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or lacking self-worth and boundaries
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and suppressing your needs never eliminates them.
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It just delays the moment when your truth
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erupts in conflict, resentment and heartbreak.
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How many times have you held it all in
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and then exploded when you just can’t take it anymore?
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This of course makes you feel and look like the bad guy,
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and it’s definitely not being your best self if you have
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to pretend you don’t have needs to keep him around.
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He is not your person.
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Number four, if he wanted to, he would
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otherwise known as the let them approach.
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This is a biggie and it’s damaging because it’s very subtle
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and insidious masquerading as definitive and empowering
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because it collapses the complexity of human behavior
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into a very popular slogan.
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It implies that desire alone dictates action
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when in reality the gap between wanting
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and doing is often filled with emotional limitations,
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unresolved trauma, immaturity,
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or just a plain lack of capacity.
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A man can genuinely like you
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and still be unable to show up in a way that feels steady,
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safe, or reciprocal for you.
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And women are conditioned to interpret this as rejection.
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To assume it means that we weren’t wanted enough,
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but most of the time the explanation is behavioral,
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developmental, or simply incompatible, not personal.
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And this is where the Mel Robbins let them theory has poured
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gasoline on the confusion.
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What began as an invitation to stop controlling other people
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has mutated into a dating strategy built on passivity.
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Women are now being told that if someone disappoints them,
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the enlightened response is to sit quietly
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and let them, let them pull away.
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Let them be inconsistent.
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Let them fail to show up
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because eventually their true nature will reveal itself.
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Now, yes, the full theory includes Let me,
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which is response, right?
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Let me decide what I’m going
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to do once I let them do what they’re going to do.
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But here’s what I see happening.
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Women stop at let them,
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they sit in his waiting room while he decides
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if they’re the one or not.
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He needs space. They give it to him.
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He needs time to figure out what he wants.
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They give him time. He has issues holding him back.
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They wait while he works through them.
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No, absolutely not, ladies.
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No, I tell my clients you don’t let him have
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time to figure it out.
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You don’t sit in his waiting room while he decides if you
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are the one you want someone who is sure about you, someone
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who doesn’t have issues holding him back from going
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after what he wants.
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Because here’s the thing,
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his inconsistency doesn’t automatically mean he doesn’t care
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and his interest doesn’t guarantee he’s ready for the kind
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of relationship you want.
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And when a relationship requires you to dim your needs
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or stall your life in hopes
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that someone else will eventually be ready,
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you are abandoning yourself,
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sitting on the sidelines and waiting.
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You’re not cultivating real love and you’re teaching him
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and sending a message to the universe
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that you’ll accept less than you deserve.
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So he and they will continue giving you less.
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But here’s what is most important about this distinction.
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The reasons behind his behavior don’t matter.
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Let me say that again. The reasons
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behind his behavior don’t matter.
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No excuses. That is none of your business
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and it is not your problem.
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The impact his behavior has on you is all
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you need to understand.
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That is the only information that you need
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to consider when you are deciding what you will do.
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If the dynamic leaves you anxious, confused,
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or questioning your worth, you don’t need to wait
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and see what he does.
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If it doesn’t feel good being with this person,
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that is enough information for you
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to make your own decision about him.
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Let them is not a dating strategy
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and neither is sitting around waiting to see who he becomes.
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The work is in noticing how you feel
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and who you become around him.
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A dynamic that requires you to mute your needs
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or pretend to be unbothered is already a
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dynamic you’ve outgrown.
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So rather than asking whether he wants you enough,
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ask a better, more self-centered question.
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Does this relationship bring out the best in me, a version
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of me I want to live with?
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If the answer is no, it is not your job to wait
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for him to fix himself.
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It’s your job to choose yourself
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and walk away towards something better.
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And number five, this is such a fun one to poke fun at.
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Just be more feminine.
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This is the most alluring
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and intriguing advice for go-getter,
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high-achieving driven women, it’s seductive
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because it plays on women’s fears and insecurities that
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because they’re successful
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and strong, they somehow are deficient in their femininity
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and oh no, who wants that to not be woman enough?
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So it pulls women in and then it has them feigning softness
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and pretending to need help.
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Wear more dresses, let him open doors,
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act like a damel in distress, be nurturing, be softer.
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If you want to a masculine man, you have
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to be more feminine.
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But here’s the thing, you can’t fake femininity
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and expect it to work out.
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There are reasons women show up in their masculine energy
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and not addressing the deep
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embedded root causes and core issues.
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Driving this masculine energy is like
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putting lipstick on a pig.
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Women who are go-getters type a high achieving don’t know
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how to be more in their feminine or what that even means.
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So they become awkward. They try to act soft.
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When they’re naturally direct,
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they pretend they can’t do things they’re
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perfectly capable of doing.
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They force themselves to be less so he can be more
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and feel needed and important.
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And it feels wrong because it is wrong.
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Here’s what I say, we want strong, powerful, driven,
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decisive women to continue being who they are.
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The cure for over-functioning in relationships isn’t
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pretending to be someone.
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You’re not pretending to be more feminine.
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It’s not about performing femininity, it’s about learning
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how to be taken care of, about how to receive the attention,
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affection and care you long for learning.
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How to receive is a wound that needs healing.
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It’s not a costume that you can put on it’s inner work.
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It’s really healing the root cause
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of why you’re over-functioning in the first place.
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So now that you know all of this,
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you’re gonna start seeing it everywhere
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and you’ll be, you will be all the wiser for it.
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And now we’re gonna talk about what actually works.
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The five pieces of advice you should follow instead at the
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core of every healthy relationship is emotional
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responsibility, self-trust, and internal steadiness.
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These aren’t abstract ideas.
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They are skills that you have to practice.
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So here are the five principles
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that actually create clarity, calm and genuine connection.
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First, start with the only person you can control you.
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Every dating struggle points back to your relationship
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with yourself, not in a blaming way,
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but in a profoundly empowering one.
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You cannot control how men behave, how quickly they move,
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whether they text back or whether they choose you.
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But you can control what you tolerate,
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what meaning you make from his behavior,
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how you communicate your needs
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and how you respond when something isn’t working.
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That’s the foundation of emotional maturity.
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So the action step with this is
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to look back at your last few dating situations
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and identify the moment you abandoned yourself.
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When did you rationalize a red flag?
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When did you soften a truth?
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When did you minimize a need or excuse a pattern
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or something that you’re seeing?
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And when did you allow something
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that made you uncomfortable?
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Your dating life changes the moment you stop
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negotiating with yourself.
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Number two, trust your intuition.
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More than any expert algorithm
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or friend group, most women have spent years outsourcing
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their judgment, asking their friends, their family,
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their dad, crowdsourcing opinions, googling analysis,
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polling group chats, consuming endless dating content,
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asking their friends and family,
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what do you think about him?
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And intuition just slowly becomes background
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noise as I stated earlier.
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But your intuition is your most accurate guidance system.
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It knows when something feels off long
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before the story in your mind even catches up.
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It’s a felt sense that you have inside of you
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that you have learned to turn away from.
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The goal at Ready for Love is not for women to do what
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I say, but for them to learn how to do
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what they think is best for themselves.
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It’s cultivating that rock solid relationship with yourself
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so that you can become a woman who leads herself.
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So the action step here is when you feel activated
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or confused, pause before responding.
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Ask yourself, if I trusted myself completely,
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what would I choose right now?
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The more you practice this, the clearer dating becomes.
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Number three, treat your needs as your filter, not as flaws.
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Women have conditioned to treat their needs
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as inconveniences rather than essential information.
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We downplay, we ignore, we minimize, we make excuses.
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We apologize for our needs
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and we most certainly do not assert them
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and ask for them to be met.
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But your needs are the roadmap to compatibility.
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That is a really powerful statement.
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But first of all, about needs.
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No one can meet your needs if they
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don’t even know what they are.
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So expecting mind reading is a trap in a
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total setup for failure.
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And a man who cannot meet your needs isn’t a bad man.
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He’s just simply not your man.
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He’s not your partner,
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and this has nothing to do with your worth, worthiness
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or your needs being too much.
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So action step here is to get clear on your non-negotiables
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and your requirements.
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These are your filters, not your flaws.
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And as I like to say, dare to be difficult, ladies,
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stop trying to be so easy.
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Number four, authenticity must be your dating strategy.
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Any action you take
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to elicit a particular reaction from him, such as waiting
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to text him back, pretending you’re unbothered,
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hiding your needs, mirroring his ambivalence is
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manipulation, disguised as confidence.
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It erodes both connection and self-respect.
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You cannot build intimacy on tactics.
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Authenticity might feel riskier in the moment,
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but it’s actually the most self-loving, self-respecting,
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and dignified way to be,
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and it’s the only path that leads to genuine partnership
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and internal peace.
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So action step here.
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Before you speak or respond, ask yourself,
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am I expressing myself
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or am I trying to manage his perception of me?
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If it’s the latter, pause
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and recenter yourself, you have to lead with truth,
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not pretense or performance.
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And five, become the woman who is ready for love,
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not the woman trying to earn it.
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At the heart of everything I teach is this,
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to find the right partner,
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you must first become the right partner to yourself.
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This isn’t about perfection,
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it’s about cultivating self-trust, boundaries,
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emotional wholeness,
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and the courage to walk away from what doesn’t honor you.
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The women who struggle most in dating aren’t
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struggling because of men.
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It’s true. They’re struggling
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because they repeatedly abandoned themselves in pursuit
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of love and connection.
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When you stop doing that, everything changes.
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So action step here is when you catch yourself spiraling
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about a man, why he hasn’t texted what he meant,
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whether he’s losing interest, you have
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to redirect yourself inward
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and ask yourself, do I even like
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how I feel when I’m with him?
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Do I even like how I feel when we’re not together?
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This single reframe shifts your dating life from reactive
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to grounded and centered in yourself.
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So here’s the bottom line.
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The worst relationship advice teaches women
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to contort themselves around men.
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And the best relationship advice teaches women
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to come home to themselves.
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Dating becomes dramatically simpler when you stop trying
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to get a man to choose you,
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and instead you choose yourself every single time, clearly,
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consistently, and unapologetically.
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That is the moment. Love stops feeling like a battlefield
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and starts feeling like alignment
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and it actually becomes so much easier
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and a whole lot more fun.
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If you’re tired of crowdsourcing,
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terrible dating advice from friends, family,
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and the internet, and you’re ready
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to actually change your patterns for good,
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you are in the right place.
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Stick around and be part of the ready for love solution.
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We have so many options for women at all levels.
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Obviously this podcast is a free resource.
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I have a relatively new substack
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where I post weekly articles.
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We also just launched the Ready for Love coaching app,
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which is so exciting.
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We have a handful of self-study courses
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and of course our flagship coaching program
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that you can apply to join at ready for love inc.com/apply.
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Wherever you go within my, within my ecosystem here,
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my promise to you is that I’m teaching you the real work.
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How to stop abandoning yourself, stop taking b******t advice
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and start showing up as the woman who creates the love
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and the life she wants.
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Thanks for listening.
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If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review.
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It helps other women find us.
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And if you know someone who really needs to hear this,
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please share it with them too.
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See you next time.
