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So you’ve decided this is your season to find love.
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You’re finally ready to make finding someone a priority.
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You’re on the apps, making yourself available,
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going on dates, maybe you’ve even hired a matchmaker.
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But there’s a very important distinction
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that most women don’t think about wanting a relationship
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and thinking that you’re ready for it
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because you want it doesn’t mean you’re actually really
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ready for love, and it doesn’t mean that you know how
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to do it either.
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So wanting love and having the skills
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and the know-how to actually create a relationship are two
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very different things.
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So today we are talking about one of the variables
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involved in launching yourself into a healthy relationship
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that most women get wrong in those early tender stages
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of dating, pacing if you fall fast, catch feelings early,
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and then end up in a cycle of hot, fast
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and furious, followed by fade
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and fizzle out being disappointed over and over again.
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Today’s episode is for you.
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We are talking about the anxious dating behaviors
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that are pushing love away,
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and five real ways
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that you can start showing up from a place of confidence so
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that you’re finally ready for the kind of love that lasts.
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Welcome back, and if you’re new here, I’m Hilary Silver,
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former clinical therapist turned master coach.
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For the last 25 years, I’ve helped high achieving women
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transform every area of their lives, especially the one
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that they always struggle with the most love.
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I’m the founder of Ready for Love,
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and since 2017, we’ve helped thousands
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of women attract the kind
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of relationship they never thought was possible.
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Not by changing who they are,
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but by reconnecting to who they’ve always been.
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Because the only relationship you actually have control over
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is the one that you have with yourself.
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This is the self-centered approach, not selfish,
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not self-absorbed, just deeply anchored in your own value
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so you can stop performing and start receiving.
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If that sounds good, make sure
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to subscribe so you never miss a video.
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Here’s the thing, being emotionally available isn’t about
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how much you want love.
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It’s about how grounded, patient
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and secure you can be When things are uncertain in those
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early days when things are hot and sexy and scary
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and exciting and anxiety provoking all at the same time.
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In those early critical days, feelings can be so intense
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and can often hijack your rational mind.
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So it’s absolutely critical to be able to regulate yourself
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and stay grounded and true
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to yourself when mutual feelings aren’t
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instant or guaranteed.
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So does this sound familiar?
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You go on one great date, he’s charming and smart,
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and you feel chemistry.
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Maybe you even have that long, effortless conversation
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that makes you think, wow, finally,
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and you leave the date feeling high and hopeful
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and you’re thinking maybe this is the one.
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And then the crazy making begins.
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You refresh your phone
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and you’re wondering if he’s gonna text you
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and you’re overanalyzing what you said and what did he mean?
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And if you were cool enough or interesting enough
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or just enough
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and then you skip Pilates to squeeze in time with him,
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or you cancel plans with your friends,
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you make yourself super available in case he
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asks you out again.
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And by date three, you’re emotionally all in.
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But here’s the problem, and you do already know this
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rationally, but the rationality goes out the
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window in those early moments.
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You don’t know him, you are not in love, you are love
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with the idea of him,
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and you’re addicted to how you feel in these moments.
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It’s titillating. But this all in mentality is the wrong
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vibe for sure.
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It feels like pressure, it feels like desperation.
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It’s a whole lot of need
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and eagerness, which is not consistent with
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who you are on paper.
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This energy does not add up.
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It’s incongruent with the other parts of you
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and how you show up in all the other areas of your life
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and it does not feel good
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to a healthy emotionally available men.
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Chasing love from a place of urgency isn’t the same thing
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as being emotionally mature.
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In fact, it’s the opposite
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because emotional maturity means you can sit in the
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discomfort of not knowing.
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It means you can be patient and navigate the pacing
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and the unfolding of whatever it may be,
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and you can go on a great date and not spiral
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or get ahead of yourself and you can feel the spark
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and enjoy that feeling,
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but you’re not immediately planning your future
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and you can allow yourself to care about someone little
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by little and do it without losing your balance,
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abandoning your schedule,
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or deciding that you want a relationship with him
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before you even know if he’s qualified for the position.
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So if your dating life feels like a cycle of intensity
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or hope followed by disappointment
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and let down, this might be why.
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So let’s get into the five specific ways
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that you can start showing up differently
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in these early tender stages when you’re dating
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so you can stay in your power
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and build connection from a place
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of real emotional security.
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So number one, stay focused on your own life. I get it.
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You have a lot of love to give
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and when you love, you love hard.
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So I know how it feels when you meet someone new
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and exciting and just how tempting it is
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to rearrange your whole schedule just
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to squeeze in more time.
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But doing that too early sends the message
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that you don’t have a life of your own.
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You are too available and all
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of a sudden your whole world revolves around him.
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That is not high value. Ladies, stay in the present.
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Be right where you are. Do not get ahead of yourself
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and be committed to your own life.
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Keep your appointments.
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Go to your dinner dates with friends
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and let him earn a place in your life.
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Don’t automatically hand it over because the vibes were good
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and the potential is high in those first couple of dates.
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An emotionally available man does not want you
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to abandon your life for him.
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He wants to be invited into a life that’s already full.
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This is what you want.
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So why would it be any different for the kind of man
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that you want to be with?
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Number two, keep those early dates short and intentional.
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I know it’s super tempting to extend those first couple
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of dates into those romantic marathons,
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but those all day hangouts create a false sense of intimacy.
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The longer that you linger, the easier it is
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to start building fantasies in your head.
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So keep early dates short, like two hours max.
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Give yourself time to reflect and see how you feel
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and to stay grounded when you keep things paced,
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it helps you stay in the reality of the moment
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and in the present rather than projecting into the future.
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This is true emotional availability.
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Number three, match his effort, not his potential.
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I know you want to believe the best in people
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and see the best in people.
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You see the spark and the charm and the possibility.
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But dating based on potential is a fast track to heartbreak.
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Start paying attention to how he shows up, not
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how you hope he might.
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Is he following through? Is he consistent?
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Is he curious about you?
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If not, stop investing more energy than he’s giving secure.
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Women don’t chase. They don’t over function.
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They mirror the energy
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and they let the man reveal themselves over time.
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I know it’s really hard when you like him
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and you want him to pursue you,
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but you have to resist the temptation
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and the urge to take control and do the pursuing yourself.
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Lean back ladies, and remember step one,
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just focus on your own amazing life
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that doesn’t go out the window just
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because you met someone that you like.
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Number four, delay physical intimacy, period.
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I know it is so hard to do when the chemistry is hot,
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and especially if it’s been a long time since you felt
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that hot, sexy friction and since you have felt desired,
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and maybe it’s been a while since you’ve had sex,
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but most women get anxious and detached after sex.
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And if you think that isn’t the case
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for you, let me ask you this.
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Do you have any expectations of him afterwards?
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Because if your expectations of him change at all
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after you’ve been physically intimate, then yes,
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sex does change things for you.
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Even a thought like he should at least call me the next day,
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is an expectation I actually give already for love clients,
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a very specific set of guidelines around sex
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and physical intimacy
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because it’s something that most
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of us never learn from anyone along the way,
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and we have done completely wrong most of our lives.
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Sex changes everything.
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So be very strategic about when you start the physical part
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of your relationship and take care of yourself here
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and make sure that the connection that you have
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with him overall is commensurate with the the level
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of physical intimacy
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or it becomes a sexual relationship only.
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Or if you wait too long, the flame fizzles
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and you end up in the friend zone.
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Timing is everything when it comes to sex.
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And number five, don’t build a bond over text.
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You’re not in a relationship yet, so don’t act like you are
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and go into deep sharing mode via text
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or even a three hour phone conversation.
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Texting and phone calls are a tool to make plans and flirt,
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but not a place to divulge your deepest emotions.
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People do and say all kinds
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of things hiding behind their phones.
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So don’t allow yourself to fall for someone
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who is playing a role.
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It’s like an actor in a movie.
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And don’t overshare or defend your feelings
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or manage the dynamic of this connection through your phone.
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Let the connection build in real life in person.
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And if you feel the urge to explain or justify
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or over clarify via text, pause and check in
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and ask yourself, am I trying to be understood?
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Am I trying to control how he sees me?
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Because trying to manage perception is usually rooted in
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fear, and fear is not where love grows at all.
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So here’s the bottom line.
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The very things that you think are helping you feel secure
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might actually be pushing love away.
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Emotionally available.
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Men who are healthy are drawn to confidence
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and balance and calm.
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They are repelled by eagerness
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or the constant need for reassurance
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or the energy of trying to force the connection.
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When you date from security, you naturally turn off the men
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who are not ready and attract the ones who are,
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and that is the energy that makes you truly ready for love.
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If you’re tired of falling too fast, giving too much
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and ending up with crumbs, it’s time to learn
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how to date differently.
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So watch my free masterclass.
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How High Achieving Women Attract the love
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of their Lives Without Wasting Time
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dating all the wrong men?
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You’ll find the link at Ready for Love inc.com/masterclass.
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Or if you’ve already done that, you can apply
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for a free breakthrough call with my team at Ready
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for love inc.com/apply.
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Thanks for being here. Make sure to subscribe
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and I’ll see you next time.
