1
00:00:00.200 –> 00:00:04.080
Women are amazing. Let’s just give ourselves credit for a minute and
2
00:00:04.180 –> 00:00:07.400
celebrate us. We raise families, build
3
00:00:07.580 –> 00:00:11.370
businesses, crush goals, and hold it all together for
4
00:00:11.420 –> 00:00:15.280
everyone we love. If you wanted to, you could go out and make a
5
00:00:15.320 –> 00:00:19.220
million dollars, you could climb Mount Everest or run a marathon, even jump
6
00:00:19.300 –> 00:00:22.400
out of an airplane because you are unstoppable.
7
00:00:22.420 –> 00:00:26.220
But there’s one thing, no matter how much effort you put in, no
8
00:00:26.260 –> 00:00:29.610
matter how brilliant, beautiful, or capable you are, no matter how hard you
9
00:00:29.640 –> 00:00:33.040
try, there is one thing you cannot do.
10
00:00:33.100 –> 00:00:37.080
You cannot make someone love you. It’s the one thing
11
00:00:37.160 –> 00:00:40.120
humans want the most. It’s the one thing we want more than
12
00:00:40.200 –> 00:00:43.560
anything, but we just cannot make it happen.
13
00:00:44.040 –> 00:00:47.880
And when you are interested in someone or even love them, that is
14
00:00:47.920 –> 00:00:51.840
just one of the hardest things to deal with and to feel.
15
00:00:51.880 –> 00:00:55.820
So today, we are talking about unrequited love, the risk
16
00:00:55.860 –> 00:00:59.740
that we take in getting into a relationship, and the fear of
17
00:00:59.780 –> 00:01:03.720
letting ourselves love someone knowing they may not love us
18
00:01:03.760 –> 00:01:04.050
back.
19
00:01:04.080 –> 00:01:09.050
(upbeat music)
20
00:01:09.050 –> 00:01:12.580
There’s a particular kind of pain that comes with unrequited
21
00:01:12.640 –> 00:01:16.400
love, a punch in the stomach that knocks the wind out of you
22
00:01:16.840 –> 00:01:20.700
and makes it hard to breathe. A hollow, aching pain that sits in your
23
00:01:20.820 –> 00:01:24.700
chest and burns. You can’t eat. You can’t sleep.
24
00:01:24.760 –> 00:01:28.540
Your life is on hold and it’s been hijacked by all the drama and trauma
25
00:01:29.140 –> 00:01:33.060
of a rejection. You love them. You see them, you feel
26
00:01:33.120 –> 00:01:36.980
them, and you want them, and they don’t want you back.
27
00:01:37.040 –> 00:01:40.740
It is one of the most devastating feelings in the world to
28
00:01:40.860 –> 00:01:44.670
offer your heart to someone so vulnerably and have them
29
00:01:44.720 –> 00:01:48.460
look right past it, to feel invisible to the one
30
00:01:48.500 –> 00:01:51.660
person you want to be seen by the most.
31
00:01:51.700 –> 00:01:55.520
And when that happens, something primal kicks in, a
32
00:01:55.680 –> 00:01:59.580
desperate human instinct that says, “If I just try
33
00:01:59.640 –> 00:02:03.620
harder, if I just become more, if I just fix whatever’s wrong
34
00:02:03.660 –> 00:02:07.540
with me, maybe they’ll love me back.” So you question yourself,
35
00:02:07.550 –> 00:02:09.769
“What’s wrong with me? Why don’t they want me?
36
00:02:09.820 –> 00:02:12.570
Am I not pretty enough, interesting enough, smart enough?
37
00:02:12.620 –> 00:02:16.460
Am I not worthy enough?” And then because the pain is so
38
00:02:16.520 –> 00:02:19.440
unbearable, you start trying. You start
39
00:02:19.520 –> 00:02:23.020
performing, shapeshifting. You abandon yourself to
40
00:02:23.100 –> 00:02:26.180
become who you think they want you to be.
41
00:02:26.240 –> 00:02:30.080
You go into convince mode, chase mode, trying to
42
00:02:30.180 –> 00:02:33.620
cajole and control what they think of you.
43
00:02:33.680 –> 00:02:37.520
You give more, do more, be more, and betray the most
44
00:02:37.540 –> 00:02:41.500
important person in your life, yourself, all
45
00:02:41.560 –> 00:02:45.200
in that desperate hope that maybe, just maybe if you
46
00:02:45.240 –> 00:02:48.100
become someone else, they’ll love you back.
47
00:02:48.140 –> 00:02:51.760
But here’s the brutal truth: you cannot make
48
00:02:51.820 –> 00:02:55.420
someone love you. And the harder you try, the worse it gets
49
00:02:55.800 –> 00:02:59.710
because now you’re not just dealing with the heartache, grief, and
50
00:02:59.740 –> 00:03:03.600
loss of something ending or failing to launch; you’re
51
00:03:03.640 –> 00:03:07.580
dealing with the pain of your own self-abandonment and your own
52
00:03:07.620 –> 00:03:11.060
self-betrayal. The person who should have your back,
53
00:03:11.160 –> 00:03:14.720
you, has turned on you too, and that is the
54
00:03:14.760 –> 00:03:18.060
deepest wound of all. Really think about this.
55
00:03:18.260 –> 00:03:21.980
If they don’t love you, why would you love them?
56
00:03:22.020 –> 00:03:25.390
Why love someone who doesn’t love who you are?
57
00:03:25.420 –> 00:03:29.340
When you deeply love yourself, when you know your worth,
58
00:03:29.380 –> 00:03:32.530
when you honor your value, anyone who doesn’t
59
00:03:32.580 –> 00:03:36.300
appreciate all that you are and love you back is
60
00:03:36.400 –> 00:03:40.320
simply not your person. It’s a mismatch in values,
61
00:03:40.420 –> 00:03:44.100
in vision, in what you hold in common, and
62
00:03:44.220 –> 00:03:47.600
yet we make it mean so much more than that.
63
00:03:47.640 –> 00:03:51.140
We make it mean we’re not enough. And I can tell you this for
64
00:03:51.260 –> 00:03:54.800
sure, after 15,000 in-depth
65
00:03:54.920 –> 00:03:58.810
conversations with women, and that does not include all the clients that I’ve
66
00:03:58.840 –> 00:04:02.580
worked with over the years, the number one fear in
67
00:04:02.620 –> 00:04:05.760
human relationships is rejection.
68
00:04:05.780 –> 00:04:09.600
And that is because if we get rejected, we make it
69
00:04:09.640 –> 00:04:13.390
mean we’re not lovable, not worthy, not worth it,
70
00:04:13.440 –> 00:04:17.279
not good enough to be loved. This is the story we tell
71
00:04:17.380 –> 00:04:21.220
ourselves. This is the meaning that we assign when
72
00:04:21.300 –> 00:04:24.820
someone doesn’t love us back. And it’s self-inflicted pain
73
00:04:25.280 –> 00:04:28.940
compounding the heartbreak. Yes, it hurts when
74
00:04:29.000 –> 00:04:32.180
someone doesn’t choose you. Of course it does.
75
00:04:32.240 –> 00:04:35.650
You cared about them. You wanted to be with them.
76
00:04:35.700 –> 00:04:39.580
That is loss, that is grief, and that is heartbreak.
77
00:04:39.620 –> 00:04:43.520
But we make it mean so much more and we make
78
00:04:43.560 –> 00:04:47.200
it so much worse by compounding the pain.
79
00:04:47.240 –> 00:04:50.720
We take a painful situation and turn it to, into
80
00:04:50.840 –> 00:04:54.600
evidence of our unworthiness. We take one person’s
81
00:04:54.660 –> 00:04:58.420
inability to see us and turn it into proof that no one
82
00:04:58.500 –> 00:05:02.260
ever will. And that fear, that deep, visceral
83
00:05:02.400 –> 00:05:06.340
fear that we’re fundamentally unlovable can create
84
00:05:06.460 –> 00:05:10.380
paralysis. If I’m not lovable, it’s only a matter of
85
00:05:10.480 –> 00:05:13.620
time before the next guy discovers that too.
86
00:05:13.660 –> 00:05:17.320
It’s inevitable I’ll feel this pain again, so why would I even
87
00:05:17.400 –> 00:05:20.690
try? And just like that, we become our own
88
00:05:20.740 –> 00:05:24.380
obstacle. We prevent the very intimacy that we
89
00:05:24.420 –> 00:05:28.400
long for, that we crave. We become invulnerable, and we
90
00:05:28.440 –> 00:05:31.740
close that door and lock it from the inside,
91
00:05:31.780 –> 00:05:34.900
protecting our tender hearts behind a heavily guarded
92
00:05:34.940 –> 00:05:38.900
fortress where it can’t be hurt ever again, all
93
00:05:38.940 –> 00:05:42.740
because we made one person’s no
94
00:05:42.760 –> 00:05:45.700
mean something about us that simply isn’t true.
95
00:05:45.740 –> 00:05:49.560
So here’s what I want you to understand: It is not a
96
00:05:49.600 –> 00:05:52.550
rejection when it is just not a fit.
97
00:05:52.980 –> 00:05:56.040
It is just that, not a fit. You may feel
98
00:05:56.100 –> 00:05:59.720
rejected and therefore see it as a rejection,
99
00:06:00.140 –> 00:06:03.800
but actually, I don’t believe there is such a thing as
100
00:06:03.840 –> 00:06:07.420
rejection. If someone isn’t wanting you back or
101
00:06:07.520 –> 00:06:11.210
loving you back or feeling the same feelings that you feel towards
102
00:06:11.260 –> 00:06:15.180
them, it is not a rejection if you choose not to
103
00:06:15.260 –> 00:06:19.090
see it as such. If you see it as it is simply not
104
00:06:19.120 –> 00:06:23.116
a fit…It changes everything. So I want to quick tell you
105
00:06:23.176 –> 00:06:26.965
a short story. I was watching a show recently where people
106
00:06:27.135 –> 00:06:30.496
went to a meet-up event, and the icebreaker activity was
107
00:06:30.536 –> 00:06:34.336
brilliant. They gave half the room a key and the other
108
00:06:34.436 –> 00:06:38.416
half a padlock, and everyone just had to move around the room trying
109
00:06:38.456 –> 00:06:42.396
to find their match, the key that fit their lock and the lock
110
00:06:42.406 –> 00:06:46.325
that fit their key. And as I was watching this sitcom, I
111
00:06:46.336 –> 00:06:50.276
watched the people moving around, trying the keys and trying the locks, and
112
00:06:50.356 –> 00:06:54.216
moving on when it didn’t work and just trying another, and I
113
00:06:54.256 –> 00:06:57.836
thought, “Yes, this, this is how we
114
00:06:57.976 –> 00:07:01.395
want dating to be,” because it really is no
115
00:07:01.556 –> 00:07:05.416
different. You are looking for the lock that fits your
116
00:07:05.476 –> 00:07:08.866
key and the key that fits your lock, and when it doesn’t
117
00:07:08.895 –> 00:07:12.176
fit, it’s not a rejection. It’s just
118
00:07:12.256 –> 00:07:15.656
information. It’s not a match, so you move on.
119
00:07:15.716 –> 00:07:19.576
No drama. No spiraling. No making it mean
120
00:07:19.736 –> 00:07:22.836
you’re not broken or lovable or not enough.
121
00:07:22.916 –> 00:07:26.395
Just, “This isn’t my person. Next.
122
00:07:26.476 –> 00:07:30.436
Next.” But we don’t do that, do we? Instead, we
123
00:07:30.456 –> 00:07:34.316
take the key that doesn’t fit, and we try to force it, and we jam
124
00:07:34.376 –> 00:07:38.336
it, and we twist it, and we file ourselves down trying to make it work
125
00:07:38.656 –> 00:07:42.645
and trying to make it fit, and then when it still doesn’t fit,
126
00:07:42.676 –> 00:07:46.226
we collapse in a heap and decide we must be the problem.
127
00:07:46.236 –> 00:07:49.956
But what if the problem isn’t you? What if the problem is that you’re
128
00:07:49.996 –> 00:07:53.536
trying to fit into a lock that just isn’t meant for
129
00:07:53.596 –> 00:07:57.316
you? And here’s the thing. You, you already know, but I just want to say
130
00:07:57.376 –> 00:08:01.195
it. When you deeply love yourself, you don’t
131
00:08:01.256 –> 00:08:04.536
chase after someone trying to get them to love
132
00:08:04.635 –> 00:08:08.476
you, to convince them that you are lovable and that you
133
00:08:08.496 –> 00:08:11.846
are the one for them. They either will or they
134
00:08:11.876 –> 00:08:15.765
won’t, but you remain lovable no matter what.
135
00:08:15.796 –> 00:08:19.616
Let me say that again. You remain lovable no
136
00:08:19.656 –> 00:08:23.515
matter what. That stays with you inside
137
00:08:23.556 –> 00:08:26.976
of you, and it is not contingent upon what someone else
138
00:08:27.015 –> 00:08:30.916
sees in you or feels about you. And when you
139
00:08:30.956 –> 00:08:34.496
deeply love yourself, you don’t chase. You don’t force it.
140
00:08:34.536 –> 00:08:37.675
You don’t abandon yourself for anyone else.
141
00:08:37.736 –> 00:08:41.126
You simply cannot make someone else love you
142
00:08:41.536 –> 00:08:44.866
nor should you ever try. You will
143
00:08:44.896 –> 00:08:48.565
find one of the ones who is the right fit for you, and
144
00:08:48.576 –> 00:08:52.496
notice, I didn’t say, “You will find the one.” I said, “You will
145
00:08:52.596 –> 00:08:56.516
find one of the ones,” because there are many ones for
146
00:08:56.616 –> 00:08:59.966
all of us. It’s just a matter of who you meet and when,
147
00:09:00.616 –> 00:09:04.376
and when you do find this person who loves you for who you
148
00:09:04.476 –> 00:09:08.266
are, when it’s the right fit, you will know it, not
149
00:09:08.276 –> 00:09:12.056
because they made you feel worthy, but because you aren’t questioning
150
00:09:12.096 –> 00:09:15.456
yourself or them for that matter. You’re just at
151
00:09:15.596 –> 00:09:19.136
peace. It just fits easily,
152
00:09:19.216 –> 00:09:22.456
naturally, like the key sliding into the lock.
153
00:09:22.496 –> 00:09:25.096
So stop trying to make someone love you.
154
00:09:25.156 –> 00:09:28.946
Stop filing yourself down to fit where you don’t belong and
155
00:09:29.036 –> 00:09:32.836
start asking yourself, “Do I even want to be with someone who
156
00:09:32.935 –> 00:09:36.656
doesn’t see my value and love me?” Because the answer should
157
00:09:36.696 –> 00:09:40.636
be a resounding no, a resounding “Fuck no.” When
158
00:09:40.696 –> 00:09:43.935
clients ask me, “Hillary, what did you do to attract your
159
00:09:43.996 –> 00:09:47.896
partner?” I always tell them, “It wasn’t what I did.
160
00:09:47.956 –> 00:09:51.736
It was what I stopped doing that changed everything.” So I’m
161
00:09:51.776 –> 00:09:55.386
gonna share seven things I quit and what
162
00:09:55.456 –> 00:09:59.136
happened when I did, when I was single that allowed me to attract
163
00:09:59.276 –> 00:10:03.216
my lock-and-key match. So the first thing that I quit
164
00:10:03.736 –> 00:10:07.675
was auditioning for love. I used to show up on dates ready
165
00:10:07.776 –> 00:10:10.976
to prove I was worth choosing. I’d have my
166
00:10:11.396 –> 00:10:14.986
resume ready, all the reasons why I’m a catch and all the
167
00:10:15.076 –> 00:10:18.536
ways that I’m so easy to love, but that’s not love.
168
00:10:18.546 –> 00:10:22.336
That’s a job interview. So I stopped, and I decided, “I’m
169
00:10:22.356 –> 00:10:25.856
gonna show up as the real me and let them discover me.” If
170
00:10:25.976 –> 00:10:29.756
authenticity costs the connection, it wasn’t the right connection, and
171
00:10:29.836 –> 00:10:33.796
here’s what I learned. When you stop trying to be lovable, you
172
00:10:33.856 –> 00:10:37.836
start radiating love, and that’s what actually draws
173
00:10:37.846 –> 00:10:40.976
the right person in. The second thing I quit:
174
00:10:41.016 –> 00:10:44.556
initiating and engineering everything.
175
00:10:44.616 –> 00:10:48.536
So what that means is no more circling back or no more just
176
00:10:48.616 –> 00:10:52.435
checking in, no more carrying dead conversations.
177
00:10:52.496 –> 00:10:56.296
So I used to do all of the work: suggest the date, offer my number,
178
00:10:56.356 –> 00:11:00.256
make it easy for him to show up with minimal effort, but chasing flips
179
00:11:00.266 –> 00:11:04.036
the polarity, and the more that you pursue, prompt, and
180
00:11:04.116 –> 00:11:07.836
prove, the less he has to decide. Your effort
181
00:11:07.956 –> 00:11:11.616
doesn’t inspire commitment. It teaches him he can invest
182
00:11:11.876 –> 00:11:14.816
the bare minimum and still have access to you.
183
00:11:14.876 –> 00:11:18.256
So I made a very important declaration, and that
184
00:11:18.336 –> 00:11:21.856
is, if he doesn’t ask me for my number, then he doesn’t get
185
00:11:21.915 –> 00:11:25.896
it, and if he can’t ask me out on a date, then he doesn’t get to go
186
00:11:25.976 –> 00:11:29.806
out with me. Too bad, so sad, his loss, and I’m not
187
00:11:29.896 –> 00:11:33.336
exaggerating this. The next man, the very next man that I met
188
00:11:33.816 –> 00:11:37.675
is now my husband, and in our very first conversation,
189
00:11:37.716 –> 00:11:41.276
he asked me, “Are you dating anyone?” And when I said, “No,” he
190
00:11:41.376 –> 00:11:44.915
smiled in his real cute mischievous way, and he said, “Well, you should date
191
00:11:44.956 –> 00:11:48.396
me,” and it was like electricity went through my body.
192
00:11:48.576 –> 00:11:52.556
I had just decided and declared to myself that I was going to
193
00:11:52.716 –> 00:11:54.976
stop doing the work that wasn’t mine to
194
00:11:55.056 –> 00:11:58.849
do.High-value men are decisive. They
195
00:11:58.900 –> 00:12:02.750
step forward when there is space to do so and when you’re
196
00:12:02.820 –> 00:12:06.740
not doing their part and yours. So instead of initiating
197
00:12:06.860 –> 00:12:10.820
everything, I learned to lean back and create space and just
198
00:12:10.900 –> 00:12:13.460
match effort, not manufacture it.
199
00:12:13.540 –> 00:12:16.100
If he follows through, you reciprocate.
200
00:12:16.110 –> 00:12:19.880
If he stalls, you stop, because the truth is,
201
00:12:19.939 –> 00:12:23.500
he’s not the only one standing in line for time
202
00:12:23.540 –> 00:12:27.260
with you. If he’s not doing it, next, the
203
00:12:27.320 –> 00:12:30.610
next one will follow suit right in line behind him.
204
00:12:30.640 –> 00:12:34.230
The third thing I quit was making myself overly
205
00:12:34.260 –> 00:12:37.760
available. I used to bend my life around a
206
00:12:37.800 –> 00:12:41.649
maybe, cancel plans with friends, skip my workout, rearrange my
207
00:12:41.740 –> 00:12:45.660
schedule, afraid that if I said no to him, he would walk
208
00:12:45.680 –> 00:12:49.000
away. That was just pure anxiety in those initial
209
00:12:49.060 –> 00:12:52.000
stages, but that reads as, “I am
210
00:12:52.040 –> 00:12:54.860
negotiable. My life isn’t that important.
211
00:12:54.920 –> 00:12:58.700
You can have me whenever you’re ready and whenever you want me.” So I
212
00:12:58.800 –> 00:13:02.300
stopped. I started calendaring my life first,
213
00:13:02.380 –> 00:13:06.360
workouts, work, friends, downtime, things that are important to
214
00:13:06.400 –> 00:13:10.260
me. Invitations from him fit around my life.
215
00:13:10.319 –> 00:13:13.260
Availability became a gift, not my identity.
216
00:13:13.270 –> 00:13:16.000
And you know what? The right man didn’t mind.
217
00:13:16.010 –> 00:13:19.980
He worked around my schedule, and he planned ahead, and he
218
00:13:20.000 –> 00:13:23.520
made it easy, because a man who values you values your
219
00:13:23.640 –> 00:13:27.520
time, and he wants a woman who has a solid, amazing
220
00:13:27.560 –> 00:13:31.550
life of her own that he gets to become a part of, not
221
00:13:31.580 –> 00:13:35.270
the center of. The fourth thing that I quit, taking
222
00:13:35.340 –> 00:13:38.900
crumbs and calling it chemistry. Big words/small
223
00:13:38.980 –> 00:13:42.860
actions had me hooked for years. “I’m so into you,” but never
224
00:13:42.900 –> 00:13:46.580
makes plans. “You’re so amazing,” but doesn’t follow through.
225
00:13:46.600 –> 00:13:49.560
“Let’s get together soon,” but never picks a date.
226
00:13:49.660 –> 00:13:53.160
I was mistaking adrenaline spikes and excitement for
227
00:13:53.260 –> 00:13:57.130
connection, so I stopped. I learned to consider only
228
00:13:57.160 –> 00:14:01.030
what actually clears, so calls that were kept, plans that
229
00:14:01.040 –> 00:14:03.900
were honored, consistency over time,
230
00:14:04.380 –> 00:14:08.180
follow-through. Real chemistry isn’t butterflies and
231
00:14:08.220 –> 00:14:12.000
excitement. It’s consistency and compatibility.
232
00:14:12.060 –> 00:14:15.920
It’s words matching actions. It’s him showing up,
233
00:14:15.940 –> 00:14:19.600
not just showing interest. The fifth thing I quit,
234
00:14:19.660 –> 00:14:23.600
people-pleasing and soft boundaries, so laughing off
235
00:14:23.760 –> 00:14:27.680
jokes that really just didn’t land, doing all the driving,
236
00:14:27.720 –> 00:14:31.429
accepting last-minute changes without saying anything, not
237
00:14:31.520 –> 00:14:34.600
speaking up when I didn’t like something that he was doing.
238
00:14:35.200 –> 00:14:38.869
I was so afraid of being difficult or too much that I made
239
00:14:38.940 –> 00:14:42.340
myself agreeable and easy, so I stopped.
240
00:14:42.520 –> 00:14:46.380
I learned that boundaries aren’t walls, they’re standards, and
241
00:14:46.420 –> 00:14:50.220
they are the rules of engagement for being in a relationship with me.
242
00:14:50.260 –> 00:14:54.220
That’s exactly what I teach in Ready for Love, that your boundaries are considered
243
00:14:54.280 –> 00:14:57.700
your rules of engagement for how to be in a
244
00:14:57.760 –> 00:15:01.440
relationship with you. And I decided that being difficult is
245
00:15:01.520 –> 00:15:05.120
more authentic and interesting than being easygoing and
246
00:15:05.200 –> 00:15:08.480
diluted, and the right man respects that,
247
00:15:08.880 –> 00:15:12.780
finds that certainty and confidence sexy and next-level,
248
00:15:12.850 –> 00:15:16.700
and he’ll appreciate knowing where you stand on things, and
249
00:15:16.760 –> 00:15:20.680
that tells him where he stands with you, and the right
250
00:15:20.760 –> 00:15:24.620
kind of men, the kind of man that you want to be with, does not
251
00:15:24.680 –> 00:15:28.500
want a doormat. He wants you, a woman who knows
252
00:15:28.540 –> 00:15:32.060
her worth. The sixth thing I quit, outsourcing my
253
00:15:32.100 –> 00:15:35.280
certainty to him, so fishing for
254
00:15:35.319 –> 00:15:39.250
reassurance, decoding mixed signals, asking,
255
00:15:39.250 –> 00:15:42.300
“Where is this going?” just so that I could feel safe.
256
00:15:42.380 –> 00:15:46.079
Needing that reassurance meant that I was deferring to
257
00:15:46.180 –> 00:15:49.360
him to decide the state of our relationship.
258
00:15:49.400 –> 00:15:53.290
I want to say that again, deferring to him to decide what
259
00:15:53.340 –> 00:15:56.420
is our relationship. Why is that up to him?
260
00:15:56.480 –> 00:15:59.740
It is not all up to him to decide that.
261
00:15:59.819 –> 00:16:03.680
I was outsourcing my peace and acquiescing my direction
262
00:16:03.780 –> 00:16:07.720
to someone else’s whim, so I stopped and I learned to get
263
00:16:07.800 –> 00:16:11.740
certainty from myself. If it’s not moving forward, that’s
264
00:16:11.800 –> 00:16:15.720
my answer. If it doesn’t feel good in any way, it’s a no,
265
00:16:16.100 –> 00:16:19.920
and so I decide with grace. You don’t need him
266
00:16:20.000 –> 00:16:23.660
to tell you where it’s going. You can decide for yourself, and
267
00:16:23.740 –> 00:16:27.460
actually, if he’s the right one for you, you two will
268
00:16:27.480 –> 00:16:30.740
decide where the relationship is headed together.
269
00:16:30.750 –> 00:16:34.040
And the seventh thing that I quit, and I love talking about this
270
00:16:34.100 –> 00:16:36.640
one, trying to win the
271
00:16:36.720 –> 00:16:40.280
uninterested. I used to treat unavailable as a
272
00:16:40.319 –> 00:16:42.640
challenge, as something to overcome.
273
00:16:42.660 –> 00:16:46.600
For years, I chased after the troubled, emotionally unavailable
274
00:16:46.740 –> 00:16:50.579
player types, subconsciously thinking that taming the wild
275
00:16:50.660 –> 00:16:54.300
one and converting the noncommittal man into a
276
00:16:54.339 –> 00:16:58.200
committed man by picking me was somehow proof
277
00:16:58.260 –> 00:17:00.560
that I am actually good enough and worthy.
278
00:17:00.620 –> 00:17:04.360
Yeah, crazy, I know. So I stopped, and whoo,
279
00:17:04.420 –> 00:17:08.119
what self-abuse that was. That was a total
280
00:17:08.139 –> 00:17:11.180
setup, and so changing that was completely
281
00:17:11.740 –> 00:17:15.170
life-changing for me, and it brings me back to the start of this
282
00:17:15.220 –> 00:17:19.099
conversation. If he doesn’t love you, he
283
00:17:19.440 –> 00:17:23.280
doesn’t love you. That’s it. And yes, I know that hurts,
284
00:17:23.319 –> 00:17:27.099
but that does not mean you are not lovable.
285
00:17:27.200 –> 00:17:30.220
No one else has the authority to decide that for
286
00:17:30.400 –> 00:17:34.320
you. You were born lovable and worthy, and
287
00:17:34.440 –> 00:17:38.420
nothing has changed. No matter what has happened to you in this life, your
288
00:17:38.460 –> 00:17:42.300
worthiness, your lovability is innate, inherent,
289
00:17:42.360 –> 00:17:45.820
inside of you. It is yours whether anyone else
290
00:17:45.840 –> 00:17:49.500
recognizes it or not. And when you finally believe
291
00:17:49.510 –> 00:17:53.400
that, not as a concept but as a truth that you know
292
00:17:53.560 –> 00:17:57.400
deep in your being, you no longer chase, prove, or
293
00:17:57.540 –> 00:18:01.500
perform. Real love isn’t something that
